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So, I have been through hell in the past year. Married 6 years. Been through D Day. Caught my WH in an EA/PA early in 2023. It had been going on for 8 months. OW is married. I sat on the info for a while as I lined up a divorce lawyer & collected evidence. I was a broken. When he realized I was on to him, he broke it off with AP. Never saw her again.

The problem is, the AP has not let it go. She started messaging him trying to stay in touch. Going on for months. He reluctantly responded, barely. Was trying to avoid her drama. I finally got massively angry and had a huge confrontation with him about all of it. I threatened D and demanded NC. My bag was packed. He apologizes, begged, etc. Reconciliation began. It was after this that he finally went NC with the AP. It has been months of NC from him, although she keeps trying to reach him.

He says he ignores her because ‘that is NC’, but she is not going away. My WH is trying to work on us and has been doing great. Repeatedly shows he is committed to us and only us. His actions match. But does not take a hard line on her. He thinks that any contact will ‘stir things up again’ and he believes that she will ‘eventually go away’. But every time there is something from her, we regress.

[This message edited by canadianfarmgirl at 1:51 PM, Saturday, February 10th]

Call her husband and tell him about the affair. He has the right to know. That will probably be the end of her breaking NC.

Also..your husband could delete his social media. He could change his number, and only give it to people the two of you trust. He can delete old email addresses, and open a new account. He could block her number and email.

Also..you could have an attorney send her an official NC order.

Regardless, neither of you should respond to her at all. She wants attention. Any attention will feed her. But, do call her husband.

Find out who her husband is and contact him without telling your husband.

The best way to end an affair is to shine the light on it.

In any event, her husband deserves to know he is married to a cheater.

When you speak with him or contact him, stick to the facts.

Without a doubt, the contact will end.

BTW, welcome to the best club no one wants to join. So sorry you find yourself here.

Also, no contact means no contact. He should NEVER respond to her under any circumstances. Ever. That's on him.

[This message edited by annb at 8:51 PM, Wednesday, February 7th]

Your H can control what he does, but he can't control his ap. I do not think he's responsible for what his ap does. He picked a bunny-boiler type, and now - and you - have to deal with her.

I, too, think 2 steps are in order:

1) tell her H
2) have your lawyer send a letter.

It may be necessary to get a court order prohibiting from communicating with your H and/or you, but a strongly worded letter from an attorney may be sufficient.

I'm writing because you mention 'rug-sweeping,' and I wonder what you mean by that. If going NC is all your H has done, I think that's insufficient. I think he also needs to take responsibility for cheating and do the work that's necessary for him to change from cheater to good partner. So ...

What is he doing to R beside going NC? What is he doing or not doing that concerns you?

You are under no obligation to answer publicly, but IMO you owe it to yourself to answer those Qs for yourself.

CFG

As has been shared, your husband isn’t accountable for what the AP does – but he is 100% accountable for what HE does.
No action is action. There is some merit to his stance in not responding to her in any way or form.
What he can do is block her and/or avoid the forms she has been using for her attempted contact.
What he can do is have an attorney send a cease-and-desist letter.
What he can do is – if the letter doesn’t work – get a restraining order.

What YOU can do is – as suggested above – is contact her husband and let him know.

Thank you for the very good advice. I have been through hell over the last year. I still have my triggers. We are not out of the woods, this I know. That said, I am trying to give him credit for ending it and for NC.

I fear when he ended things with her he was too nice about it. He did not want her drama. I don't think he would ever want to have an affair with her again, he knows the consequences and had admitted what a huge mess he created.

But, I think he is slightly worried about her in some odd capacity. He has told me that he 'told her it is over - several times'. Months ago. So either she is delusional or he is lying to me. If someone did not respond to me for months, I would take the hint and go away. Yet she keeps sending messages. I know I cannot control her, but this just seems off.

[This message edited by canadianfarmgirl at 1:52 PM, Saturday, February 10th]

TELL
HER
HUSBAND

This is standard advice here on SI. Many suggest this as revenge, to get payback or because it’s the morally right thing to do.
I don’t give an iota about the above reasons. The reason you should tell her husband is because there is no single other thing – or even any combination of other things – that you can do that might end the affair quicker.

I am sorry for what you are going through. Please take care of yourself as you work through your pain. For me, every new data point or piece of evidence, and even touching his phone or computer would cause an adrenaline spike and a heart rate over 120. My triggers started causing panic attacks, which terrified and traumatized me further. Please practice controlled breathing and recognize the pattern if it is happening with your triggers and be kind to yourself.

I'm concerned about the vibes you are getting about how it was ended, and the concern that he did not make the end of their relationship clear and non-negotiable. He may be lying to you both. It's the worst part, not really knowing what is going on in their heads.

Mine is not a popular opinion, but it worked for me, ending a very LTA with a MOW. I got the NC I needed by making her go away on my own. I emailed her with a copy of their latest email and told her if she ever tried to contact my WH in any way, she would face my very best efforts to blow her life to pieces. She has never reached out to him again, which sadly was all he ever needed to break the hold they had on each other. They used so many different emails and platforms to stay in "almost daily contact" and keep the A going, then take it underground and make the bigger fool of me while I was still in shock and traumatized. I had trusted that it was over, but was still looking for proof and got really lucky with that one undeleted email in his sent folder. I snapped and that finally got me to contact her, after knowing who she was for half a year, thinking it was long over. Because I had been so obsessed with her ghostly presence in my life, I had all the intel I needed on her to make good on my threat. I suppose I blackmailed her in a way, and I still have so much power over her to cause humiliation and embarrassment in her life that I almost feel bad about how satisfying that feels. I never planned to go to war like this, but I had to get militant about my boundaries and what I was willing to tolerate from both my WH and the stranger in my marriage. I would have given anything to have my H fight to keep me instead of me fighting to keep him.

The MOW my WH chose was a needy, selfish coward. It took one sentence in an email to make her understand she was trespassing in my life and I would not tolerate any attempt to contact my WH until we were separated or divorced. He has never heard from her again. She paints quite the sweet grandma charade on social media, but she and I know who and what she really is.

I wish you every success reclaiming your life and setting firm boundaries that are respected.

[This message edited by whatisloveanyway at 3:43 PM, Thursday, February 8th]

Wow whatisloveanyway - you 100% get it. I know for a fact they have not seen one another. But like you, even after it ended - there were some underground attempts to stay in touch a while back which he finally stopped. All contact initiated by her.

Everyone is right. I need to tell OWH, but also know that will bring more drama to my life and I don't know if I have the stomach for that. I want to tell her to go away, but I suspect it won't have any effect. Is there a good way to tell the OWH without it impacting my life? Can I ask him to keep me out of it?

[This message edited by canadianfarmgirl at 1:53 PM, Saturday, February 10th]

Showing her husband the respect he deserves means you can make a request when you tell him the truth.

Send a registered letter to his place of business. One that requires his,and only his, signature. Include a copy of all evidence..texts,pics, messages, hotel receipts, etc. Tell him who you are,and who your husband is. Give him the timeline of the affair. Include a copy of all of the repeated attempts she's made to contact him. Keep your feelings about his wife out of it. If you don't, he will feel the need to defend her. Or, she will convince him you're lying,and you've fabricated the evidence. Include your phone number, and tell him you will speak to him if need be. He may have questions, and that's ok. You can ask him to no longer contact you,or your husband. You can ask that he give you that respect, as you are respecting his right to know what she's done.

This doesn't have to bring any drama to your life at all. You can block him,and her,after letting him know. Right now your attempt to reconcile is being hindered by her repeated contact. That's drama.

I also think you should trust your gut. His refusal to harshly tell her to stop..and the way she seems confused by his silence..sounds as if he has left the door open for her. He needs to slam it shut.

Send the letter. Tell her husband if she attempts to contact your husband in any way, it will result in legal action.

Don't tell your husband. Since he's been so careful with her, he may still have feelings for her, and he will warn her that you are telling her husband. By the time he gets your letter, she will have already told him you are crazy,and have been accusing all female acquaintances of your husband,of having an affair with him. She needs to be caught off guard. Also..your husband is supposed to be NC. So,if he says anything about it, you know he's still talking to her.

I encourage you to have him change his number,and email address. Those are very simple ways he can prevent her from reaching out.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:26 PM, Thursday, February 8th]

It seems to me better that a cold NC letter from your WH, one that disavows she ever meant anything to him, is far more effective than anything that could be misread as a jealous wife.

Your WH has hid behind the mr nice guy facade for far too long here. The letting down gently he thinks he was doing is actually far crueller and distinctly cowardly. I suspect she was in some way led, needed, to believe in a star crossed lovers narrative who would be together were it not for a wife your WH was beholden to, trapped with, for other reasons than love. For that reason she needs , in my view, to be told by your WH what a big mistake the A was, how much regrets it and how much he loves you. Others suggest a more neutral cease and desist communication but at this stage, she needs the shock of cold and clear rejection from your WH. Telling the OBS however would be your job, it can be a two-pronged approach, your WH manning up and disavowing the star crossed lovers fantasy she’s harbouring saying he never wants to hear from her again and you in more compassionate terms informing the OBS.

I have to ask re your WH’s distaste of letting her down harshly, where was such distaste at so badly betraying his wife, and continuing to betray her by not instilling a full NC.

If he's tried to be gentle with ow, your H may be a KISA (Knight In Shining Armor). That means he gets some sort of payoff that he likes from helping others, especially a damsel in distress. His ap is not the problem. His problem is being a KISA specifically and needing external validation in general.

I don't know for sure that he's a KISA, but if he is, he needs to learn to validate himself.

I do not recommend contacting ow. If you tell ow 'hands off my H,' she's too likely to want to show you she can get hands on him. The ap is not your problem - your H is. Your H needs to build his boundaries. Good boundaries make him virtually invulnerable to another A. Even if ow accepts your demand, your H is vulnerable to other women unless he builds his boundaries.

And as you know, telling OBS is something you do for OBS's benefit. It's not an asset for blackmailing the ap. That just leaves OBS open to being betrayed again. In fact, not telling OBS is a betrayal in itself.

I can imagine that it's very hard to inform OBS. I can understand not doing it, especially while dealing with the immense stress of dealing with one's own pain. I understand not informing OBS. But lets not make it any less of a disservice to OBS than it is.

I still hold a lot of anger towards OBS for not telling me about the A when he learned of it. That's 13+ years of sending out anger addressed to him.

If he's tried to be gentle with ow, your H may be a KISA (Knight In Shining Armor). That means he gets some sort of payoff that he likes from helping others, especially a damsel in distress. His ap is not the problem. His problem is being a KISA specifically and needing external validation in general.

I 100% agree with everything sisoon said, and I can relate especially to this. My H held onto soft feelings about the OW for over a year. After NC was established, he felt awful about being "mean" to her, and for "leading her on" during the A and then dumping her when we decided to R. We had a huge blowout about him wanting to be able to tell her "Happy birthday" if he passed her in the hall. She was a "nice person" and I "would have liked her had the circumstances been different." He couldn't STAND not being a nice guy to her. What finally helped was being told by our MC that by wanting to be a nice guy to her, he was still betraying me.

AP continued to try to contact him for over a year after NC was established. She'd send him messages; she'd show up where she knew he'd be; she stopped him in the parking lot after work. She was single. I WISH I had someone that I could have ratted her out to. You do. Tell the OBS because he deserves to know, but also because it'll feel good to assert yourself and refuse to tolerate the nonsense any longer.

My goodness, you all are so generous with your advice. I am lucky that you have taken the time, so thank you.

And correct - he does not want to be with her, but he doesn't want an 'enemy out there.' He has said as much to me. Yet he also thinks that I am torturing myself by letting this get to me. Seriously? I told him that he is the one in the wrong and brought this trash into our lives, I never asked for this. In other words, he wants me to be 'normal' and for her to go away. Neither is happening right now.

He can't change his # or email because of work. I know this for a fact. I am on surveillance and have seen no weird ap usage or websites. I believe him when he says he wants to be rid of this. But....like you said, he is afraid to take the hard line with her and has probably lied to me that he did so. I don't believe him on that. It is not adding up, unless she is seriously that crazy. (I have stories about some of the methods she has used to try and reach him and it is unbelievable.)

The two-pronged approach may work. 1) Make him send NC that I can see/witness and 2) I tell the OBS on my own. If we do nothing, she will keep coming back. I just don't want the OBS blowing up my life.

Many bs are hesitant to tell the OBS, because of how they will react.

Please understand, this man has been given zero respect, or consideration, throughout the affair,and every day since dday. By telling him the truth, you will be the only one who treats him as any decent human being should be treated. Therefore, you have every right to ask that he deal with his wife,and let you and your husband deal with your husband's actions.

Right now, if he were to find out, before you tell him, he will feel like a fool..that everyone knew but him..and even the obs didn't seem to think he was worthy of the truth. And he might expose the truth to everyone. By telling, you have a leg to stand on.

Please know that you telling the truth will not be what blows anyone's life up. The affair did that.

Also..your husband may tell you he doesn't want an enemy in this world..but he absolutely chose just that, when he decided to have am affair with another man's wife. He thought it was worth the risk then..

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:04 PM, Thursday, February 8th]

And correct - he does not want to be with her, but he doesn't want an 'enemy out there.' He has said as much to me.

Pick an enemy: Her or you. There's no middle ground. He can't be gentle with her and considerate to you at the same time. She is your enemy, and an enemy of your marriage, and she needs to be treated as such. He needs to be squarely on the same team as you, doing what needs to be done to help the team be successful. Framing it as a team thing really helped my H to understand my mindset.

Part of your H dealing with his stuff is owning that he was part of hurting the AP's husband. Yes, AP was the main culprit in that, and you were your H's primary victim, but he did that man wrong, too. There's no controlling what the OBS will do when he finds out, but getting ahead of it by sending a letter from an attorney could be helpful in curbing potential drama.

In other words, he wants me to be 'normal' and for her to go away. Neither is happening right now.

You aren't going to be normal for a long, long time, and you will never be the same. He needs to really, really understand that what he's done to you is devastating and enormous, and he has a lot of work to do to become a safe partner again. It's easy to make her go away, though.

This is the horrible part of all of this.

He can't change his # or email because of work. I know this for a fact

He can but it comes with consequences. I am the betrayed and one of my wife’s APs emailed me at my work email. I replied and even went to my works HR team to see if they would back me in a legal letter to the AP. I am sure you can imagine how terribly embarrassing that was as a man in today’s society. But this guy was completely threatening and blackmailing my wife at that point. He may have to put aside his ego and humble himself enough to admit what he did to his employer and ask for another email. Or he can quit and accept that as a small part of the consequences of his actions.

It is not your job to protect him or his reputation from the fallout of this. Worry over what the OBS may do is not your responsibility. I am still very hurt by the fact that others knew and chose to keep quiet instead of tell me….

[This message edited by Tobster1911 at 12:32 AM, Friday, February 9th]

He still has a lot of work to do. He knows I do not trust him. He keeps saying his actions are what matters, and I agree, but I have no illusions that this is going to work long-term. I am just trying to deal with the most immediate problem, which is the AP.

I feel like we have made progress. But when she messages, it sets us back. When it happens, he is just trying to avoid all conflict with everyone and put his head in the sand. He did say that if it gets to the point where we need to 'deal with it' then we will, but for now he thinks ignore is the best option. We both agreed on this a while back.

How do you contact the AP's spouse? I don't even know what I would say to open the conversation.

[This message edited by canadianfarmgirl at 1:54 PM, Saturday, February 10th]

Tell him that when he had the affair, it's as if he opened the door, for the ow to come into your home and they beat you with a ball bat. That it was intrusive, and it was destructive to your life,and your marriage. And,now, every time she makes contact, it's as if he is opening the door for her to attack you again.

If he doesn't understand that this needs ylyo be deal with RIGHT now, it's because he cares more about how he appears to her, than your feelings.

Plus, it probably gives him a bit of an ego boost every time she let's him know she still cares.

As to the obs..send him a registered letter that requires his signature. Don't call,and don't message him. She knows you know, so she's probably been waiting on you to attempt to contact her bh. She will intercept any message you send. It's best if you send the letter to his job. Sending it to his house might mean you get a mailman who is familiar with his route,and might just let her sign his name.

You have to outsmart her. Which won't be hard.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:38 PM, Friday, February 9th]

Also..sending a firm NC message to the ap,is one of the very first, most basic steps, when attempting reconciliation.

Ow, do not ever attempt to contact me,or anyone in my family, again. You were a part of the most shameful part of my life. I am working on becoming a good man, and I have zero room for you in my life. You are not welcome. Any further attempts to contact me,in any way, will result in legal action.

Leave us alone.

Wh