SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you everyone, this is helping me gain my perspective and understand what I can and cannot control.

The theme I am seeing is that 1) we need to take action, as a team. And b) her husband needs to know.

Part of me really wants to just contact OW myself, but that would be giving her attention. I know that worked for whatisloveanyway, and I am impressed with her bravery and that it worked. I wish it were that easy, but it feels like a gamble for me.

I went through almost a year of pain and milestones and doing things I didn't want to do (confrontation, d-day, divorce lawyer, long-hard discussions) I even told him several times "go be with her, I do not want you anymore" Permission granted! And guess what? He stayed with me and said that was the last thing he wanted and he regrets it all. And so I thought I was over the other side of the hill but we are not. You all helped me to see that HE needs to tell her to go away, and in a cold manner. Hellfire - your language is really strong, thank you.

I guess I am trying to understand how someone who has been rejected and tossed to the side keeps coming back again and again. He must have given her some sense of false hope at some point in the past. I do know that she is now angry with him.

[This message edited by canadianfarmgirl at 1:56 PM, Saturday, February 10th]

What is your plan for contacting the OBS?

If he refuses to write a harsh NC letter, he's letting you know he cares more about allowing the door to stay open to her, than he does about you and the marriage.

NC is the first step in the R process. And one of the most necessary. It doesn't matter how much work he does on himself, how patiently he answers questions, how accountable he becomes. If he won't tell her to never contact him again, none of that matters because he still isn't a safe partner.

If it were me? I'd see an attorney,and have them draw up divorce papers. Then I'd go to him, and demand he write a harsh,never contact me in any way or there will be legal consequences email..and if he doesn't immediately write it,and then show it to you so you approve, then send it...I'd hand him divorce papers.

It's very clear he doesn't think you're going anywhere, so he thinks he can tell you what he won't do,and you will accept it. You need to let him know that is not true.

If he won't send the nc..you have nothing to work with.

I wish I could claim bravery. I wrote that email in shock, out of a fight/territorial instinct, staring my husband down while he stammered excuses over broken NC, continuing to claim they hadn't been together in years. I thought they were just an EA thing, they both convinced me of that until I learned otherwise, way too slowly.

Maybe my later confrontations with her involved a sliver of bravery, but it was more indignation, outrage and me staking a claim to my life until I could figure out what my life even was. I did use my leverage over her to get more of the truth my WH would not admit, and that trickle of truth took multiple contacts over four years, resulting in me begging her for more gory details the last time I broke my own NC rule. I do not recommend stooping to my level, or doing anything beyond a simple declaration of intent to defend your marriage. I am a bit of an alpha female, or maybe just a little too redneck to not fight back when provoked, and I felt really provoked by her.

Your situation is a bit different from mine, and there are others who have had to deal with the unrelenting OW. Chaos springs to mind. Your anxiety and triggering will not go away until the MOW threat does, however you can make it happen. My WH was not brave enough to end the A that was ending anyway, and she was too selfish to let him go. Lucky for me she was way more scared of being outed than winning more sex with him, yours may not be. I never confronted the OBS directly, and I regret it to this day. I still fantasize about doing it but for the wrong reasons. I am reasonably certain he knows and they are trying to R. Who knows what the situation is with your WH's AP and her marriage? But she needs to be gone so you have a chance to rebuild a life you can live with.

Best to you.

Ah sorry to clarify, I have not yet asked for the NC letter from my WH yet....but I am planning to. I suspect he will hesitate because I do believe that he is a concerned she is unhinged - and he does not want to stir up the hornets nest. He has said to me in the past 'I'll do whatever you want me to do' and at the time I said 'no contact', and said that means no letter. So now it is on me to ask for this next level of defense.

[This message edited by canadianfarmgirl at 1:56 PM, Saturday, February 10th]

If what you have heard about the other woman's marriage came from your husband, you must know he has had zero problem lying to you..and he may be lying to you about her marriage, for many reasons.

And,if she did tell him all of that, who knows if it's true? Affair partners lie to each other all the time. Very few say they are in amazing marriages,and their spouse is the best..because that would be a really weird way to start an affair.

You say she's not invested in her marriage because she is messaging your wh still. The same can be said about your husband. If he were truly invested in reconciliation, he would have already been very clear with her,and told her to go away. She's not the problem here. His refusal to take a firm stance..for ANY reason..is the problem.

The ow, in my situation, lied about her marriage, when she and my wh first started their bullshit. She told him her husband had a record for DV. And she was scared of him. (She also came here, and posted the same shit. Ws and BS all felt so sorry for her..so this was kinda her thing). It wasn't true. At all. She is the one with the arrest record..dv, child abuse,and drugs. My point is..they lie. Cheaters lie to themselves, their AP, and their BS.

Most marriages that include infidelity, are rocky. If he knows,but hasn't had proof, all the more reason to provide him with some evidence.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:20 PM, Friday, February 9th]

Honestly, IMO I don't think the NC letter will do any good at this point. It's opening the door to communication with her after several months. Perhaps a letter from an attorney threatening legal action if she doesn't stop the harassment.

You inform her husband without letting your WH know. That might do the trick when he finds out his wife is a cheater and a stalker.

annab - I also do worry that the NC will have zero effect. She is a lot more risk tolerant than I thought. When I first found out, and when she knew that I knew, she was running scared for all of 2 days. Then she was back at my WH with some bull excuse as to why they needed to stay in contact. Legal letter may be the best way to go.

HellFire - I admire your strength. I completely agree. He should have stopped this long ago. I need to force him to man up and be on my team or I have to leave. As for how I know about OW's marriage, I overheard 2 conversations, so I heard her own words. But you are right - she is likely lying, as I know for a fact that he lied to her about me and our marriage.

When I tell the OBS, I am not telling my WH. No way. I am doing it on my own, when I am ready.

[This message edited by canadianfarmgirl at 1:58 PM, Saturday, February 10th]

One reason that your husband could be hesitant to piss off the OW is that she knows something that could be used against him. Perhaps she knows about a previous affair. Perhaps the affair was going on for a lot longer than 8 months, as cheaters will typically only admit to the details they think you can prove. Perhaps he assured her that he was going to divorce you, so she started the process of separating from her husband.

In addition to all the other steps recommended by everyone else (telling OBS, making him send an official NC letter, etc) I would tell him that he has 1 chance-- and 1 chance only-- to tell you everything about this affair and any other affairs he had previously. Tell him that if he tells you everything now, reconciliation will still be a possibility... but any discovery of new information that he hasn't voluntarily disclosed will cause you to immediately file.

Hi bluerthanblue - 100% agree. They actually have known each other for 20+ years, and I am sure he confided in her on various issues (Because he is a trusting moron) and now probably regrets it. I don't think he ever told her he was going to divorce me, b/c I have evidence to the contrary. But there is something that she has that definitely makes him a little nervous to piss her off too much. You have hit the nail on the head - he just wants her to go away peacefully and she won't. But he won't take the hard line (yet) because she is mean and angry in general (he told me so) - and so he is kind if tippy-toeing and hoping it just goes away. Unfortunately, he got involved with someone who he realizes is capable of inflicting damage.

I bet he's leery of the OBS's reaction, too. I'm sure he thinks that if he can just get her to go away without raising a ruckus, maybe he can get away with the OBS never finding out.