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Passive Aggressive?

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 Hippo16 (original poster member #52440) posted at 6:35 PM on Thursday, February 15th, 2024

Are you or have you been judged "Passive Aggressive" and/or your mates? Significant Other?

My SO uses "Fine" when something comes up in a discussion in which we differ on meaning or resolution.

The intonation and timing of using "Fine" can covey passive aggressive attitude. Other times not . . .

How do you work on an issue when the other person "goes passive aggressive?"

Another word used: "Whatever" also can be ok - context is how it's used - usually to end a discussion with which you disagree?

Silent treatment? another way to be passive aggressive?


How about this one: "Can we agree to disagree?"


what am I fishing for? - some insight on how to disarm or stop passive aggressive behavior in a mate and also oneself

Note that some passive aggressive behavior is learned (sad?) or cultural? (Japan)

There's no troubled marriage that can't be made worse with adultery."For a person with integrity, there is no possibility of being unhappy enough in your marriage to have an affair, but not unhappy enough to ask for divorce."

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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 7:36 PM on Thursday, February 15th, 2024

That’s a good question.

My husband is passive aggressive often. It annoys the hell out of me. He doesn’t say fine. He usually says "okay whatever you say"

I think for many years it worked out for him. I would do it his way or agree with him because it triggered me that he might be peeved with me and I used to avoid that at all costs. I used to think what difference does it make, they seemed like small compromises.

Last night he did it and I did what I usually do these days. I calmly made him talk about it. I asked him what he needed. It annoyed the hell out of him, but I find the more I make him use his words the less often I get the passive aggressive responses. After all, I don’t mind to accommodate him if he has a need, but I am no longer willing to default to his way to keep the peace. I explicitly call him on the passive aggressive response and remind him we are a team and we can work together to both get what we want.

He hates it because it was easier before when he did that it was like snapping his fingers and I would comply. Now I use it to practice communication and compromise. Why should I just put up with passive aggressive responses, it’s cool with me if he gets to be the one who is annoyed if it is for a healthier outcome. By the way, he did get his way last night because when he uses his words I understand him far better and feel happier to comply.

7 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled

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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 9:03 PM on Thursday, February 15th, 2024

It took a lot of work with the MC to recognize PA behaviors and to learn how to back up, own my stuff, say "No, wait, that was PA", and then be direct. It can be very difficult and scary to learn how to express oneself in a direct manner. It's part of learning how to be transparent and authentic.

My MIL lived with us for many years and is the queen of PA. Her favorite mode of communication was to tell the dogs what she wanted us to hear. If she thought we should have fed them an hour ago, she'd say "You're hungry, aren't you?" or "I know you're cold." Shit like that. The way I dealt with her being PA was to ignore her when she was being sideways, or call her out on it. "Are you trying to tell me that you think I should feed the dogs?" or "Are you trying to tell me that you're cold?" It doesn't stop HER from continuing to be PA, but it made me feel better for not playing her game.

Sometimes my H will issue a huge sigh, or make some noise that's intended to get me to ask "What's wrong?" I don't bite. I make him initiate with words if he wants to engage me. He does the same with me.

I think that's the only way to deal with a PA person: Call them on it, or ignore them until they're willing to own their shit and be direct. Don't play their games. They say they're fine? Okay, take it at face value. If you're not fine, it's on you to tell me so. I'm going to do my best to not get sucked into the frustrating nonsense.

I've been told that I often come across IRL as disarmingly direct. If I present as PA online, odds are that I've got my petty pants on and I'm doing it on purpose. Recently, I was passive-aggressively called out for being PA, which was rich. laugh (And here I am, wearin' them pants again!) wink

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

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Edie ( member #26133) posted at 10:09 PM on Thursday, February 15th, 2024

Perhaps your SO has not learnt that ‘fine’ generally means ‘fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional’ 😁

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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 10:19 PM on Thursday, February 15th, 2024

Recently, I was passive-aggressively called out for being PA, which was rich. laugh (And here I am, wearin' them pants again!) wink

I understand why you were frustrated but someone else told that poster they were being passive aggressive and it was a whole thing, but they didn’t get a slap on the hand for it. So I felt a little bad for that poster that they did. I think they are already having a hard enough time so hopefully we can all let that go now.

7 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled

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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 10:36 PM on Thursday, February 15th, 2024

someone else told that poster they were being passive aggressive and it was a whole thing, but they didn’t get a slap on the hand for it.

I don't know what this is referring to.

So I felt a little bad for that poster that they did. I think they are already having a hard enough time so hopefully we can all let that go now.

It's not an isolated incident. The member has posted snarky, sideways responses to me from almost day one, and I've been nothing but gracious until now in an attempt to mend fences. It makes no difference.

I don't wish to jack this thread any further. If you would like to PM me, please feel free.

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 10:40 PM on Thursday, February 15th, 2024

Nope, that was all I had to say. I wasn’t trying to call you out, my comment really wasn’t meant to be all that deep.I just made an observation since you brought it up. Mostly I was referring to something that happened earlier in that thread. Agree ending T/J.

[This message edited by hikingout at 10:57 PM, Thursday, February 15th]

7 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled

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emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 11:38 PM on Thursday, February 15th, 2024

Not my spouse, but my mom is skilled in the "art" of passive aggression. She is deeply uncomfortable with/avoidant of overt disagreement, but will often make sideways/backhanded/covert/ambiguous comments. I have known her long enough (and am fluent enough in girl-speak) to know exactly what she's saying when she does this, but her 'criticisms' are incredibly difficult to address or respond to because she's not saying things directly, and she will typically backtrack if I call it out ("I didn't say that, that's not what I meant...") When there is an actual argument she's like a fish out of water and will escalate quickly or jump to the "fine" followed by the silent treatment type technique that you are describing in your wife.

It used to drive me absolutely crazy when I was younger, until I read more about it and gained some more understanding of what was going on. Being able to name/identify the behaviour in the moment (versus feeling attacked/frustrated by little barbs I couldn't respond to) was huge for me in seeing it for what it actually was (her way of voicing a criticism). Literally just naming it prevented it from getting under my skin so much. Understanding it and where it likely came from, also allowed me to have some empathy for her - instead of just lamenting over why she couldn't voice her opinion and "have a discussion like a grown up". (Quote from an actual conversation I had with her once)

I have no idea about your wife, but here is what I have worked out about my mom (in case you see any similarities). She grew up as the youngest child in a pretty chaotic household (father was an alcoholic). There was a lot of tension in the house and I suspect some violence. One of her older siblings was a bit of a 'wild child' and caused a lot of additional disruption, and my mom spent a lot of energy trying to keep the peace amongst everyone by not rocking the boat. Her father was not to be challenged - certainly not by a (female) child - and she eventually learned not to speak up. Because conflict often resulted in hostility, any perceived disagreement became a trigger and set her nervous system on edge and was to be avoided. She also grew up in a larger societal culture where women (and especially girls) were not rewarded for speaking up and having opinions. Quite the opposite - "good girls" were submissive, quiet, passive and kept their heads down. "Loud women" on the other hand, were criticized, chastised, and judged. So my mom, like a lot of women, I think, learned to communicate in more subtle, "socially acceptable" ways.

Fortunately (for me!) my mom didn't completely internalize all of those beliefs, and went on to raise an often-headstrong, super-direct, ENTP/ENTJ type daughter. When I was younger we butted heads because our communications styles were so different. While I know she is proud of who I am and I love her enormously, she's also totally ill-equipped to respond to me as an adult (vs. a child) sometimes. I imagine she is exhausted by me constantly trying to push her out of her comfort zone, and I find myself exhausted having to dance around a bunch of ambiguous comments to encourage her to get to the point.

We had a "blow out" conversation once several years ago during a visit where I calmly pointed out to her how frustrated I was by her passive aggressive comments and was able to provide many receipts/examples when she predictably demurred/backtracked/had "no idea" what I was talking about), and she got emotionally escalated and eventually shut down the conversation, and it obviously didn't feel great in the moment, but I know she respects/loves me and she did go home and spend a bunch of time googling/reading about it when she was less worked up and I think some of it resonated with her. I do my best to stay calm during it and will repeat back to her what I interpret her concern/criticism is in a way that (I hope) makes it feel safe for her to share her opinion. Her first instinct is often to deny/downplay it, but after our conversation she will now sometimes voice the opinion (often in a more watered down way than I received it) and that is progress for us. To be honest, it's so ingrained in her, I truly don't even think she is aware of it, and so the ability for each of us to call it what it is in the moment can be super helpful in avoiding it.

Hippo - it sounds like your wife's particular "brand" of "passive aggressive" is stonewalling. Super difficult to have a productive conversation with someone who does that. Have you read much about it? Gottman writes about it as being one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in relationship communication. Essentially it's a manifestation of the "freeze" reaction to danger, that someone may feel when they are physiologically flooded. Shutting the conversation down allows them to avoid it. My husband tends towards freeze in his reactions to conflict too (and it took me a while to understand that this was a lot less manipulative/deliberate than I was interpreting). That didn't make it acceptable obviously, but it altered my reaction to it. This was the type of thing that I found marriage counselling actually really useful in addressing. Is this something you've tried?

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

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emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 11:50 PM on Thursday, February 15th, 2024

Her favorite mode of communication was to tell the dogs what she wanted us to hear

laugh laugh About a month or so after our first child was born (the one who refused to sleep one minute without being held for the first 6 months of her life), my husband and I (who were both deeply sleep deprived), started to do this to one another. "Oh hey baby, looks like Daddy wasn't as tired as he said he was if he had 20 minutes to scroll Instagram when he was supposed to take a nap...." "Oh hey little girl, it looks like Mommy forgot to take the wet laundry out of the washing machine again and now your clothes are all smelly...") Within a week we were both like, "Um, this sucks. Can we agree we're not going to say shitty things to one another via the baby just because we're tired?" laugh

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 10:03 AM on Friday, February 16th, 2024

Very funny emergent. Our first child was very similar - up every hour to eat at night and I get the sleep deprived situation.

I don’t know if this is considered PA or just not listening. But my H will agree with me on something and then turn around and do the opposite. Or say "I never agreed to that" when he did.

Until the affair I didn’t stand up to him. But since his last affair I hold him accountable on everything.

We once had a two hour "conversation" over Cheerios. Yup stupid cheerios. I told him I thought there were healthier alternatives because of the ingredients in cheerios. He agreed. Week later he buys a box. I reminded him we agreed — he agreed — to find a different cereal to eat. He tried his usual tricks and games but I was not letting it go until he admitted he agreed to stop eating cheerios. He was being called out and didn’t like it.

Anyway I don’t know if he’s PA but if he’s not, I’m calling him out every time when he says one thing and does another.

Prior to his affair I just sucked it up. Not anymore.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 11 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:56 PM on Friday, February 16th, 2024

I was called p-a a lot as a teenager. I wasn't - I was and am ADD. If you talk to me when I'm hyper-focused on something, I'll say anything to get you off my back, but it won't register.

Since d-day, my W has learned to get my attention before asking me to do something. She asks, 'Can we talk now?' I can answer, 'Yes' or 'Not now'. If I answer 'Not now', she can ask 'When?' and I'll give an estimate.

I think you have to look inside to know what to do. If you're not satisfied with someone's response to you, it's up to you to voice your dissatisfaction. If you are satisfied with the what your partner said, that's all you need to let the matter drop.

When I'm uncomfortable with my W's response, I'll sometimes ask if she's really done with a topic or if she really wants to say more.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

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Topic is Sleeping.
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