SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So last night, WW had gone to bed and I was just feeling really pissed about this new information. The juxtaposition is just mind boggling. I knocked on her door and the went in. I tossed a copy of the PI’s report on her bed and said this is who you blew up our marriage and traded me in for. A few minutes later, I heard some pretty intense sobbing. Not my finest moment.

Au contraire my friend, this was a masterstroke. As someone who worked in a 'related' field back in the military, what you did is actually an advanced interrogation technique. You question them, you question them again about facts you already know, and when they are at the peak of their 'I don't know! I can't remember all the details!' phase, you drop a folder of photos in front of them and watch it dawn on them that they have no secrets you don't know about. It's usually at this point that the true consequences of their poor decision making really sets in, as the evidence is tangibly in front of them, and is undeniable. It sets the tone for further discussion.

It has been said before, but if bears mentioning again; 'they always affair down.' And boy, is this guy at the bottom of a barrel of effluent. Five kids in three states? He only sleeps with people he's deeply in love with, evidently!

As @Trdd said, The comfort you can take from this, and I hope you do, is that none of this is about you. Not one iota. There is NOTHING you could have done to stop your wife doing this. She did it because she WANTED to do it, and she did it KNOWING that you are in every facet a better man than AP.

Your WW has just had a nuclear truth bomb dropped on her head.

If you want to get really cunning, I'd also casually drop to her that according to your PI, he's seeing another middle-aged woman as well who has been appearing during the day. That should test whether she's really gone NC with him as she attests as she will no doubt scramble to take him to task.

I'd say enjoy the show, but we all know that is the complete opposite in this case. In saying that, you are handling this like an absolute boss, and you are to be commended for it. Post as often as you need mate, we all know what you are going through.

[This message edited by Hurthalo at 11:39 PM, Wednesday, March 6th]

I couldn't have a happy marriage with a woman who so enthusiastically made herself a notch in another man's belt, particularly a loser like this AP, then went back for more and more while telling him she thought about him while "having" to have sex with me.

JC,
Forgive her for your own peace of mind then divorce and move on with your life. Somewhere out there is a beautiful young woman in her early 30's who would devote herself entirely to you and the children she will be eager to give you. Focus on the happiness you will have again when you find that woman. Think about how the longer you drag this out the longer you are making her wait to start the life she is praying for with you.

Good Luck! Let us know when you find her!

You did very well letting her know you have a PI. She has no idea how much you know. If she insists on engaging in damage control and gives you timeline she will likely give you everything.

My WW met a stranger in a bar and left for a ONS, it turned into a PA, her driving to his house for sex. She also had single friends cheering her on. I only discovered the PA. My WW did not know how much I knew, when she told me "that is all, you know everything" I told her (bluffing) "that is not all you are still lying". That is when I got the truth and wow it was a lot. It was about 12 other men, another ONS, and several EA's / Sexting.

Bottom line there is more to the story.

What she has done is to become a poster child for Ashley Madison and their 'life is short have an affair' tagline.
It seems obvious now that if not for this OM there would have been another random plucked out of a bar. Which is something that her GNO group was out for and this might not be the first time in their group. Having a nice stable man at home was not enough. To quote Esther Perel (sorry SI peeps) "The forbidden creates desire. There is something about bad boys that is forbidden and it creates a certain desire in some women. It stirs something in us. Men have this same turn-on with women. It is just human behavior."

Those with a strong moral sense will resist but others won't and will justify it to themselves with a 'I deserve this' argument. She thought she deserved this - a bad boy to bang and a hubby to raise a family with. Perfect compartmentaliztion on her part. And she is selfish. We know because it's ok for her to have kids but not you. She has denied you that.

There was a meber here, Ahguy, like you a devoted family man. His wife did the same thing but went uncaught for a lot longer time. The OM may not have been a felon in her case but she also discovered that she was not the special woman she thought she was. There were others in his harem too.

Your wife knows now for sure that she picked from the gutter and there is no backup when you leave. I feel you are strong to resist love bombing so no advice except best wishes for you to stay strong and heal from this. You will overcome.

masti

Didn't AHGuy eventually choose to reconcile, after filing for divorce? His WW was a realtor who affaired with a rich OM client. Or am I confusing him with someone else?

Didn't AHGuy eventually choose to reconcile, after filing for divorce? His WW was a realtor who affaired with a rich OM client.

Yes she was a realtor who thought she had bagged a millionaire and then went all religious on being exposed. We don't know what happened to AHGuy. He was leaning towards divorce in his last post. I hope he is well - he was a solid family guy.

Your recent comments undermine your chances of saving your marriage.

Your wife's messages also become meaningful now; This man is someone who encourages his partners to humiliate their husbands, your wife was a willing participant, she obviously enjoyed it.

You might want to check in on what your wife is doing while you're away?

If you continue with the divorce, listen to your lawyer, do not bring the issue of payments to the table, and decide by checking the girls' relationships with you.

Ive been following and reading.....

Things are very heated and emotional right now- understandably

Best advice anyone gave me was not to make decisions while things are so chaotic and new.....even if you are sure you want to divorce, cool things down a bit.....

Obviously your WW needs counseling and a lot of help. Leave her to it- focus on yourself- eating well, exercise, drinking water, breathing....getting your head straight.

I dont agree with other posters who are always being nasty towards the Waywards- we are all healing, we are humans. We dont have to accept being treated badly and this is a huge betrayal ......but walk your path and take care of yourself. Nothing is ever promised / life is challenging and everything changes.

Im so sad you are here :( It is so painful. you can have a wonderful life whatever happens but you have to go through it whether you divorce or not. I hear your pain and have been there. Take good care

JC,
I have been following your situation from your initial post. I am sorry you have found yourself here. You have received great advice by many.

I have noticed recently that some have decided that D is a forgone conclusion. I would just sit for a while and not make rash decisions. I think many of us are envious of how well you have handled your situation and wish we would have had more strength in our own nightmares, IMHO.

Your WW appears to be demonstrating a willingness to meet your requirements. Something that not all of our Waywards do or have done. You both need IC for sure. Your ability to compartmentalize is a protective mechanism and just these short weeks in processing probably isn’t enough.

Anyway, I surely don’t know all the answers I’m still moving through my own journey. But I know this betrayal won’t be the first thing you think about everyday forever. You will survive it because you’re a survivor.

S2D

God, I can’t wait for the weekend and getting some time alone

Ill bet. I hope for your sake you can find a tad bit of peace and start to focus on yourself exclusively. What you now want for the rest of your life.

You said your heart is closing and you are distancing yourself. How could that not be the case?

Yeh, she heinously betrayed you and went dumpster diving to do so, denegrated you horribly to this POS, deceived you, exposed you to possible physical harm. One of the questions you are/will be asking yourself, Im sure, is "How could I ever get past/through/around this and stay with her?"

One of the things that can help you as you wrangle with this is to review "successful" reconciliation stories on this site. What do these accounts have in common? What does "successful reconciliation" look like in this forum (and others)? It is sobering to say the least, but it may help clarify. Then spend some time in the divorce/seperation and new beginnings forums. These are the two bookends to the disaster called infidelity.

The other thing I would recommend you do is invest some time and $ in IC with someone highly versed in betrayal trauma who can also assist you in identifying any lingering family of origins issues that may unduly influence your considerations. I found it to be very helpful although I availed myself of this expertise after much time had passed and further suffering was experienced.

I have since moved on with a wonderful and emotionally mature woman to build a great life together. The baggage of my (and her) betrayal(s) are now a speck in our rearview mirrors but the lessons and scars remain.

Strength and clarity in the days ahead. I wish you well sir.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 4:57 PM, Thursday, March 7th]

paboy:

gr8ful In your response... based on the fact that she has given BS 2 references of IC that she has researched as appropriate. This in the short time that she was confronted. This leads to the probability she has actively researched 'what to do'..

JC demanded her to start IC. Her "researching" potential IC’s is her in panic mode / cya. Sounds like your eyes are desperate to see true remorse in her but it’s FAR FAR FAR too early to make that conclusion. Yes, she could have simply said "fu" and walked away, but she’s got a ton to lose now and from her actions there’s no chance she’s acting out of true remorse for JC, certainly not at this point. This is 100% damage control.

I agree it is far too early to say she is remorseful. She realizes she has messed up, she has hurt OP, but we need to see if she is willing to put OP first in her life for months and years to know if she is a candidate for R. This will take time. JC has done everything right, remarkably so, but we can’t skip to the end of the book here. It will have to play out. I usually root for R when I believe the wayward is contrite. I’m still unsure here. Let’s give her more rope. What she did was truly horrible and if she does recover from her wayward thinking, she will be haunted for the rest of her life. Or, she can continue on with the next guy just like she did with JC. We all have seen it go both ways. I have been surprised in situations where I thought WS had no chance to redeem themselves and vice versa. JC’s instincts are good. I trust he will make the right decision in time.

Well, to echo SatyaMom’s comment, I want to chime in to counter some strong opinions about what the WW is or is not feeling or doing, or what JC should decide in the early days of his life imploding. I’m a BS and can’t believe I’m even advocating for benefit of the doubt for the WW, but I feel like many of these comments contain presumptive or harsh judgements. We can’t know what his WW’s feelings or motivations are, we can only guess or assume, and I am not sure that is the most helpful to him right now. JC’s WW may be crying for any and all the reasons, and I’m guessing all of them. I have not assumed at any stage here that I know what she is feeling, and she’s probably confused and collapsing under the weight of her choices. I don’t know, but I’m not going to tell JC that I do.

I have stayed through some heinous betrayal, and struggled with some strong opinions here that seemed to make me feel like a fool for taking my time to figure out what made sense, and for giving my WH and my M a chance to survive. In the end, I have made the right choice for me, and my life, and could have used more voices of support and moderation, not the other extreme.

I get the indignation and the harsh reality of the uncovered texts and the disgusting AP, and how triggering it must be, especially for male BS’s. My WH and his AP exchanged many texts and emails filled with devastating crap that is seared into my brain, but I believe all that was just fantasy. I try not to fixate on the things they said to each other to fuel their fantasy world, because if I did, I would never be in a healing mindset, and I would not be focused on what I believe the real, important issues are moving forward.

I also get how triggered and invested we can get as a group when one of the JFO stories unfolds in real time, like this one has. I just hope the support here becomes more wholistic and less dump your cheating WW without letting JC work through this in his way and let him make the decision that works for his life. We only know the little pieces we are shown and we are all filtering our responses through the lens of our own experience. JC deserves to figure out his without heavy handed declarations or opinions. The take what you need and leave the rest advice is easier said than done when the chorus is singing so loudly and with such certainty. If I have learned anything here, it is that nothing is certain, and it never was, and that the only opinion that really matters is mine.

If I offended anyone, or thread jacked, it was completely unintended. I just couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling some of the adamant responses have been giving me, and I think JC needs better from us. I believe everyone is trying to help, but I think we have to take more care in the JFO group to offer the best support we can for the newly shattered as they arrive here.

I couldn't agree more though that JC is doing a very good job with his confrontation, and I wish him peace and healing moving forward.

[This message edited by whatisloveanyway at 3:52 PM, Thursday, March 7th]

Jut adding a few more details. Both have done the STD testing and are waiting for results. Hoping the jury doesn’t come back in with a death sentence. I locked down access to all our liquid assets last week. We have some joint CC’s and we each have our own as well. We both have access to all accounts electronically. There’s been nothing out of the ordinary in the past year. Finally, WW says emphatically that AP has not been to our home and he doesn’t know where it is. Based on everything I know, I think this is probably true. Spot checks on the security system haven’t turned up anything. I don’t know if this is normal, but we haven’t really been talking much. I just haven’t wanted to engage much at all.

One of the things that can help you as you wrangle with this is to review "successful" reconciliation stories on this site. What do these accounts have in common? What does "successful reconciliation" look like in this forum (and others)? It is sobering to say the least, but it may help clarify. Then spend some time in the divorce/seperation and new beginnings forums. These are the two bookends to the disaster called infidelity.

I think I mentioned earlier that I’ve been doing this, focusing on betrayed men. The outcomes seem to fall into several broad categories. I’ll note those. There’s no judgement here. We all just do the best we can.

The first group is guys that knew right away that their WW’s A was a deal breaker and moved quickly to D. For those that stayed on here and those that have come back, most all have said it was absolutely the right decision – even though there is almost always some residual pain.

The second group is guys that for whatever reason – kids, finances and other things – decided to eat the shit sandwich and R. What’s frightening, is the number of them that come back years later lamenting their decision. So many of them say they should have left right away, and have wasted many good years. They warn newly betrayed to not do what they’ve done.

The third group is men that say they have successfully R’ed. It seems to have taken years and herculean efforts from both spouses. Even then, there always seems to be dull pain somewhere in the background that surfaces from time to time . The concerning thing here is in comparison to other outcomes, this number is really small.

Finally, there a cases where the guys want R so bad that they literally turn themselves inside out trying to accept what their WW’s have done. They take each crumb their WW gives them and hold it up as evidence of that she gets it, only see later that she hasn’t. The process repeats itself – sometimes for years. This is a horrible way to live and I’m really fearful that I could fall into this trap of falling into endless limbo.

What I hope to do while away for a week is to try overlay the above to my own situation and understand what I want, what I need and what my emotional capabilities are. I know this sounds a little esoteric, but it’s how I make decisions.

Thanks again for your support. It’s pretty much all I have right now.

You are doing great. That analytical mind of yours will be both blessing and curse on this journey. Be patient and kind with yourself as you focus on your healing first. Best to you.

Do any of the GNO participants know about the affair and do they know she was caught? Tell teir husbands what goes on on GNO.

@JustCrushed post #214:

This is a horrible way to live and I’m really fearful that I could fall into this trap of falling into endless limbo.

This is why OP I think it is really important for you to get some sort of longer-term separation from your WW in your living arrangements. If you see her face every morning at the table when you wake up for breakfast, you are that much more likely to get sucked into an R that does not serve you. It is sort of the same principle that it is VERY hard for a WS to stay out of the affair if they see their AP at work. Or even, if say you are trying to cut calories and avoid carbs, but when at work they lay out cookies and pretzels as afternoon snacks and they are right in front of you, it will be hard to stick to your dietary plan. Can't your WW go live with her parents for some time.

And yes, the significant others of your WW's friends who supported her affair, need to know as well. These significant others need to know what their wives or girlfriends have been up to on their GNOs.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:40 PM, Thursday, March 7th]

And...yeah. Your WW needs to tell her parents and daughters of her affair ASAP. This ties into you and your WW's lives drastically changing and everyone already seeing/knowing something serious is going on. Otherwise if they are not notified of the reasons why, in their minds they will fill in their own details and YOU will get at least 50% of the blame.

And if you and your WW do decide to do R, her family can help hold her accountable.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 10:56 PM, Thursday, March 7th]

To add onto that^^..

Kids tend to know more than they let on. Or, they know something is wrong,and they blame themselves.

It sounds like the girls are older. They need to be told the truth in an age appropriate manner. Their family is in jeopardy. They deserve to know why.

Allowing a cheater to hide behind lies, is teaching them its ok to lie to those you love,in some circumstances. A very dangerous lesson to teach a freshly caught cheater.

Yes, I really want you to blow up the lives of the GNO friends. They deserve it for allowing, if not encouraging, your WW to compromise her integrity.

[This message edited by Icedover84 at 6:02 PM, Thursday, March 7th]