Wow, thank you-- I am so, so glad that what I wrote connected with so many of y'all.
That is a part of self-compassion and compassion in general-- and truly, of SI-- knowing that others have experienced and do experience what you are going through. When I was first introduced to concepts of Mindful Self-Compassion, my 'roided-out Inner Critic/Protector was like, "Yeah, SEE. Other people have experienced what you're going through-- you're not special! Suck it up, you wimp!" But of course, reminding yourself that others have gone through what you're going through is actually about reminding yourself "Oh, I'm not alone."
That's so important, because betrayal trauma makes us feel... well, speaking for myself... worthless, and... basically a whole lot of synonyms for worthless.
And DEEPLY alone.
When the person you trusted with your life, the one you committed to, gave everything to, and based all your major life decisions on, treats you so cruelly... well. You are completely alone in the relationship. And you realize you have and had been alone for some time (in my case, in crucial ways, throughout the ENTIRE relationship, from Day One... but I think that applies in at least some way to us all). And this leaves you feeling alone in the world. It's not even a world you recognize. You're alone on an alien planet, without a safe place to go.
That lonely feeling, that worthless feeling... I think it's shame.
But by at least one definition, the opposite of shame is connection.
It's logic-defying, maddening, inconceivably unfair that BETRAYED spouses experience such incredible shame. Why should WE feel shame? But we do.
We feel shame for having "picked the wrong one."
We feel shame and shamed (humiliated) for having been treated like such garbage. And though this is not logical, it "feels" like it is-- if we are garbage to the person we loved the most, then what are we to anyone else? Less than garbage.
We feel shame-- and much of society enforces this in us, for their own fear-based reasons-- for not having seen it coming, for missing the signs, for often being the last one to know.
We feel shame, similarly, for what MUST be our faults, our inadequacies, the way we MUST have contributed to our own mistreatment.
We feel shame even when we know that's not true, because we know we'll be stigmatized by that belief.
We feel shame for "not being able to make a marriage work" and divorcing-- and here's a neat trick:
We feel shame for staying. Don't we have any self-respect at all?
So what's the antidote? Oh, yeah, connection. Hm.
Connection with our WS, when even desired, is often fragmented and minimal in the beginning, maybe forever. And that's if we are even afforded the possibility of any connection-- if we haven't only discovered the infidelity when they left us a Dear John/Jane/Juan/Juanita/Jay/Joey Jo-Jo Junior Shabadoo letter, narcissistically discarding us while they abscond to La-La Land with their AP.
But, still, we need connection. We need it more than anything.
So when we can connect with each other here, well, that's one thing we can do to heal. One thing that WE can do for OURSELVES no matter WHAT our WS does.
And no one can take that away from us.