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My husband has been recently been diagnosed with depression and maybe ADHD. Last Summer before he found out he was depressed (even though it was obvious he was very ill) and started treatment, rather than talk to me he broke down one night and told my close friend and neighbour on a walk back from the pub (id left earlier with the kids) how unhappy and in pain he was with life, me, work, everything. Id also been confiding in her as my husband as he has grown cold and withdrawn from from me and didnt know what to do. This went on for 4 months and was an emotional affair (nothing at all sexual he said it was comfort only). He said said he never went looking for an 'affair' but she did say she had started to catch feelings to her husband (he found their text message but they didnt stop) and in their secret text messages began to get closer in Dec and blurred lines in these messages (again nothing sexual) but all hidden from me and he still didnt stop it message and meeting (they met up 3 times on a dog walk) even with her 'caught feelings' comment. They were found out again at Xmas when he broke down and told me everything (he has started a couple of therapy sessions by then and started to see what they were doing was wrong -also it was his choice to tell me as the husband said I wont tell your wife)

We are now trying to work on our marriage with marriage therapy and, he is having cbt sessions and things are better but he is still struggling in him and slightly cold. He isnt in contact with her at all although he id meet heron a dog walk and he said he felt awkward but nothing, not sad not happy - just like meeting an old friend. He still doesnt see massively what she did wrong as she was only trying to help him but does see that she has destroyed me.

Im so confused and angry as to WHY these two people could do this to me. Ive found out that this close friend has had multiple affairs in the past so she seems to know exactly what she is doing and by the sounds towards Dec was lining him up to have an affair as she never backed away. He said it was only comfort nothing else to him - but messages did cross the line (such as him saying the 'love' word to her at xmas - he told me he but wasnt at all in love with her, he was in love with the respite and listening she was offering him). He cant remember much about the messages as this stress of it all was causing depersonalisation and Derealisation and the 'love word' was as in a close friend way, as this was the only person he has telling of his pain.

He said he couldnt speak to me as the depression had started to make him hate me and see everything I dont negativel and he thought Id leave him if he told me. Basically she just listened.

Any comforting words would be appreciated as in a 20 year relationship we have had nothing like this, we have always been solid except a few years back we started a business together and I started peri menopause causing some strain and this started the depression as but he never told me anything, he kept it all in (he has never been good with talking about emotions).

Is this normal behavouir for a depressed person? He is very remorseful and is doing everything he can to save our marriage, he totally holds his hands up but still sees her not fully in the wrong as she was a close friend who yes did cross the line. Im just broken and so hurt by the betrayed trust from both of them - I feel violated by her as I told her so much about me and marriage issues only to text my husband at night, I also got PTSD from finding out about them which is now better but I still get these intrustive thoughts which makes me spiral.

Any help or words of support would be welcome. I dont have a how to get over this or understand this. Any success stories too as Im trying so hard to see this from his side also - both of us was at fault here with lack communication and toxic learned behavious (which we are both working hard on to change)

Part of me now just wants to end it, Im terrifed of her potentially coming back on the scene and destroying me again. I also dont know how much he actally loves me due to the coldness iof his depression and if he is just scared to leave the children.

Ive said over and over again he is welcome to leave or welcome to go to her.

Should I stay and work on it or go and start new. So confused as I love him but not this changed person.

Often depression causes people to stray. They are finding a "solution" that gives them immediate positive emotions because they don’t want to do the work that will give them long term benefits buu not immediate.

Welcome to SI. I'm sorry that you have reason to be here, but I'm glad you found us.

both of us was at fault here with lack communication and toxic learned behaviour

First: You are NOT at fault for him choosing to have an emotional affair. That's SurvivingInfidelity 101. The betrayed spouse is never at fault for the choices that the wayward spouse makes. Ever. He's a big boy with his own mind. It doesn't matter how bad the marriage was or wasn't - he could have chosen the path of integrity and he didn't.

If you haven't already done so, the AP needs to be cut out completely, like a cancer. No contact whatsoever. No "accidental" dog walk meet-ups. She IS a cancer to your marriage. Treat her as such.

He still doesn't see massively what she did wrong as she was only trying to help him but does see that she has destroyed me.

His inclination is to protect her, which means that he's still very wayward in his thinking. Your AP was essentially a spy - a double agent. Ask him how he'd feel if you had an A with his BFF and both of you fooled him for months. He wouldn't like it one bit, I'm sure.

I recommend that you do some reading in the healing library. (See the link at the top of the page.) Also, buy yourself a copy of Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

Have you spoken to her husband?

The fact that he wasn't going to tell you,has me wondering if you know the true content of those messages. I'd ask for a copy.

Your husband is protective of her. Which says he thinks he feels more for her than he's let on.

Can you move? It will be very difficult to heal with her right there.

she has destroyed me.

No ma'am. He did that. She couldn't have done anything,without his invitation.

This is all on him. Not you. Not her. She is 100% responsible for her shitty behavior. But he is also 100% responsible for his.

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:04 PM, Wednesday, April 10th]

Thank you so much for your comments

Im at my wits end on what to do, stay and fight or go and start new.

All of you are right, this is on him. He said he has been truthful on everything and this has come through in Couples therapy, nothing has come out extra in 4 months. The messages, he has told me some of them, most were comfort but Dec Im sure they didnt and he said they crossed the line, and this is my issue that Im finding it hard to get over. To be honest I dont want to know, as an overthinker it will not help.

The husband said to my husband I will not tell your wife - so I can guess telling me was a mix of being caught, and the therapy kicking in - I guess Ill never know.

If he wasnt depressed Id leave in a heartbeat, but I know he was chasing the dopamine and he was uphappy with me, he admits doing this was trying to start a wake up call in ME as he tried over and over again to tell me he wasnt happy (he didnt explain very well, as I said he never deals with anything emotional or talks about problems, he holds it all in) so I didnt know that some of my behaviour was toxic.

I still love his so much, but the depression has made him a different person. I miss him so much

Hi Trix,

I'm sorry you're here. If it's any comfort, one of my close friends' fWH had an EA on her in similar circumstances. Mid-life, financial/business distractions and stress, another woman giving him "comfort" at work via long conversations... He was depressed too, grew up in a family that was dysfunctional and he too wasn't able to discuss his emotions vulnerably. Through much therapy (IC and MC for BOTH of them), they were able to work through and come out the other side.

Good news/bad news here:

Good:
-your WH came to you with the information, means the therapy is working because HE is working on himself.
-at least her BH knows too- your WH even told him.

Honesty and accountability are SEEMINGLY being pursued by your WH.

Bad:
-AP is a serial cheater and still in your neighborhood
-OBS knows about her repeated infidelity and still hasn't learned the basics (exposing once found out).

I hate these dynamics with opposite sex friendships. It's not like we can live in a cloister with only members of the same sex all day and go home to our spouses. We naturally work and interact and befriend members of the opposite sex all the time as part of regular life. I think the only thing that is helping me right now is knowing where MY boundaries are and being careful in what I share with others- especially members of the opposite sex. It sounds like in addition to your WH needing to work on his emotional expression, he needs to work on his boundaries as well.

I want to know, does your WH share his need for "comfort" from AP as a form of defensiveness or an explanation? Is it said with a sense of justification for his actions or a sense of, "here's where I screwed up, let me count the ways..." There's a difference between the two and assessing whichever of the two it is (defense vs explanation) can tell you a lot about how serious he's getting about fixing himself and becoming a better, safer spouse for your to have an M with.

I get the need for "dopamine hits" (aka ego kibbles) from having a person of the opposite sex hanging on your every word and sympathizing with you. I've been there too. I've been in a deep depression where I was desperate for some comfort or distraction to alleviate it. Thing is though, instead of choosing to medicate myself with the attention of an AP, I could have actually gone to a doctor/counselor/pastor and got real life changing help. But that would have required WORK. Further pain and hardship on top of what I was already struggling with.

Whether or not your WH decides that you, your M and ultimately himself are worth the extra pain, work and effort of seeking ACTUAL help will be a major tell as to whether or not you've got good material to work with in rebuilding your M.

Best wishes to you. What are you doing for YOU? With kids, a business, depressed WH and AP still roaming your town, I imagine your stress is through the roof. How are you taking care of you?

The fact that he hasn't changed his story, doesn't mean he's been honest. Cheaters lie. We have members who found out pertinent information YEARS later.

Ask to see the messages.

Married men don't typically involve themselves in an affair for comfort. They're in it for the sex.

Thank you MI Gander

Yes I have a couple of close friends but to be honest Im trying to sort this just us, ive always been an oversharer so this time I dont want to.

I so glad your friend worked it out - my husband is doing his own therapy and couples therapy so I cant ask for anymore. He is really just struggling with himself - his depression seems really tough and he is slowly getting better. And yes the same with him, he grew up with a great but very stodic parents where emotions were never discussed, or crying - he seen his dad cry once but he is totally aware this is what he needs to work on and one of the reasons he froze and cant handle any conflict (my family life was the opposite with alot of yelling and screaming) so both learned behavour.

I dont know why he went to her and nor does he, he said it could have been anyone and she was in the right time right place. He admits with her past it was the total wrong person (we didnt know of her affairs until recently but she did tell him she had been caught again texting another man a year ago) But I do think he was flattered too and possibly a level of attraction - she is very pretty, charming and knows what to tell a man. I have said to him muliple times he is welcome to her as she is very uphappy in her own M but doesnt have the balls to leave.

The texting secrecy and the pressure made him very ill (depersonalize from his body and the depression really go full pelt) which is why in Nov he eventually looked into counselling - before then he refused to admit anything was wrong which is why he went to her. Our therpist said she listed and at the time he needed that - I woudnt have listened I would have made him get help which is not what he wanted!

The stress is tough, and I dont know what do to be honest. Id need to leave our business, my home (he wont go), my kids school, and all in all a person who Ive loved/love for 18 years who was also my safe space. Im broken and very sad.

Thanks for your lovely message, it really helped

The husband said to my husband I will not tell your wife - so I can guess telling me was a mix of being caught, and the therapy kicking in - I guess Ill never know.

Did you hear this firsthand from the AP's husband, or is this all information that your H has relayed to you? Your H has incentive to lie. I think you need to contact the AP's husband and make sure that he really does know about the A.

If he wasnt depressed Id leave in a heartbeat, but I know he was chasing the dopamine and he was uphappy with me, he admits doing this was trying to start a wake up call in ME as he tried over and over again to tell me he wasnt happy (he didnt explain very well, as I said he never deals with anything emotional or talks about problems, he holds it all in) so I didnt know that some of my behaviour was toxic.

This is classic wayward behavior. They start an A, and then they justify it by blaming their spouse for making them unhappy. Often, it's history being rewritten after the fact.

You're welcome Trix.

And I agree with HellFire- ask to view the messages.

Things that helped with my H and my even keeping things together after my A blew up:
-Reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass
-FULL ACCESS to all electronics/social media/etc. Transparency is critical to rebuilding a basic level of safety
-Accountability for where I was and whether I ran into AP (my AP was a COW and I didn't move positions for 2 months after DDay).

My H had multiple EA's with other women. The one that triggered me the most was his 2nd to last with my friend "D." She was a great "comfort" to him as my H was able to share and talk so easily to her about things that were difficult for him to share with me. He, like your WH,

still doesn't see massively what she did wrong as she was only trying to help him

- since this woman, "D" was such a "good person." However, he now, like your WH at least

does see that she [they] has destroyed me.

It's going to be important for your WH to see that HE destroyed YOU, and that she was just the means to that end. Your WH also needs to see that his AP was NOT "trying to help him" - she was trying to help herself to a heaping helping of "ego kibbles" from your WH.

As for my H's EAP, I truly believe she wasn't a person consciously pursuing an affair with my H. I think she was naive and enjoying the attention. HOWEVER, even if people are ignorant, I still believe it's their job to get an education when others tell them about the harm they caused. "D" laughed it off- (her having an EA with my H) to another mutual friend, like her relationship with my H was completely innocent and I was crazy. There's a lot of dangerous people out there who don't see EA's as real. Thing is, she knew enough to know how to get my H's attention, and keep it. She also knew enough to tell me her curiosity about sleeping with other men and knew she was unhappy with her husband's level of distraction from starting up his own medical practice. She was blinding herself to the course she was on with my H. That, combined with the derision over the pain she and my H caused me, tell me that ultimately she could have justified a fully blown A with my H, had he pursued her harder.

If your WH doesn't open his eyes eventually to how horrible a person his AP was, he'll run the risk of pining for her comfort and sympathy. My H struggles with this from time to time still. He ended his friendship (EA) with this woman, blamed me for the loss, and still thinks she's a good person. The thing that has made him safer in my eyes is that he has taken accountability for the way he treated me (constant negative comparisons to "D") and agrees that the friendship became unhealthy before my A blew up the situation.

I'm truly sorry you're here. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I would also recommend that your WH (wayward husband) purchase How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald.

Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass has a quizz or checklist that you can use to show that this was an EA.

My two younger sons have ADHD, and one struggles with depression at times. They haven't cheated. It isn't an excuse. He really needs to dig into his whys.

Don't try to understand this because it will make you crazy. You're applying logic to an illogical situation. Why would you want to throw away your family for this? Anything he says isn't going to make sense.

For me, learning meditation helped with my thought spirals.

Sorry you're here.

Hi Trix
Welcome to Si. I’m sorry you find reason to be here, but I’m glad you found us. I encourage you to check out the learning library for a bunch of articles that you will likely find useful. There are also pinned posts at the top of each forum that are worth reading.

Im so confused and angry as to WHY these two people could do this to me.

The way you’re feeling is normal. I think we’ve all been there. One thing you will come to realize with time howeve,r is that as personal as this feels (truly, if there was ever a pain that FELT more acutely personal, I haven’t experienced it) – this affair was NOT about you. You were absolutely the victim in it, but it wasn’t about you. It was about him – it’s all about him. And despite the justifications for the A that he told himself at the time or is telling you now, nothing you did or didn’t do caused him to cheat. It was entirely selfish and you were likely a non-issue in any of it. I know that that hurts. We want to feel centered and important in our spouse’s actions. Sometimes figuring out that we didn't matter is even harder to hear than it did.

If you’re like most BSs (betrayed spouses) sure you’re going through your life during this period and wondering what you could have done differently to stop it from happening. You’re probably beating yourself up for all sorts of things you did or didn’t do. Stop. None of us are perfect people and none of us are perfect spouses – but that doesn’t give them license to cheat. I understand the temptation - it gives you a sense of control or power at a time when your life is spinning around you chaotically, but don’t do it. Do not take one iota of ownership over his shitty actions. If there is stuff that you should own in the relationship and that is fine, but focusing on what you could/should have differently is like asking the ER doctor to check out a suspicious mole you found last week when you’re in the ER bleeding out from a limb being amputated. Lets focus on the obvious stuff first.

and I started peri menopause causing some strain and this started the depression

See this? You’re taking ownership for his feelings and experiences. Stop!!! Your perimenopause didn’t cause his depression – that’s like not a medical possibility. I’m not saying it didn’t impact him, but it didn’t CAUSE anything (for him). If he felt you were not coping with those changes perfectly, it was incumbent on him to discuss it with you like a grownup, not to go outside of the marriage.

Often depression causes people to stray.

I’m not sure if this is what you meant to say Fantastic. If so, I (respectfully) disagree. I think it’s probably true that people who cheat often do so from a place of depression or self-loathing, as a way to self-soothe or distract themselves from their own negative feelings. In my own case, my husband was going through a stressful time period where he had a lot of stressors that were making him feel shame that he didn’t know how to cope with. This is not uncommon amongst waywards. I think that it is therefore appropriate to say that the depression is a relevant or even a contributing risk factor in some cases, but to suggest that depression is the cause of the cheating, is to remove the wayward’s personal responsibility for their own actions (and trust me, taking personal responsibility for your own actions rather than externalizing them, is absolutely part of the work that many waywards must do). There are PLENTY of depressed people out there whose personal makeup would NEVER allow them to cheat. If depression was the cause of affairs, this community likely would not need to exist as all that would be necessary to ‘solve’ the problem would be to issue antidepressants.

If he wasnt depressed Id leave in a heartbeat, I know he was chasing the dopamine…

Careful OP, although I think you’re right about the dopamine, but saying/believing this gives him good reason to double down and blame the depression further rather than digging a bit deeper. This avoids him having to take any accountability. Also, if you intend to attempt to R (reconcile) – and it is absolutely okay not to know what you want to do right now – you will also need to take ownership of your decision.

he was unhappy with me, he admits doing this was trying to start a wake up call in ME as he tried over and over again to tell me he wasn’t happy (he didn’t explain very well, as I said he never deals with anything emotional or talks about problems, he holds it all in) so I didn’t know that some of my behaviour was toxic.

Ah yes, right out of the cheaters handbook (many cheaters follow common patterns that are so similar and obvious we joke that they must have a handbook). He could never be the problem right? No one wants to be the bad guy in the internal narrative they have of their own life. Instead of focusing on himself and taking responsibility for his own issues and his own happiness, he externalizes his problems onto you. If it is your job to ensure he is happy, he cannot be expected to do anything to fix it himself, can he? This helps him avoid accountability of course because acknowledging his own role in his unhappiness is uncomfortable and likely would mean he would need to do something about it. So in his mind YOU were the issue. :eyeroll: This also (conveniently) gives him the permission structure in his brain to cross lines and boundaries with the OW. His claim that his affair (which I will assume he hid from you and lied about) was an attempt to wake YOU up to his issues…. Well, that is….. um…. creative. Like COME ON, that obviously doesn’t pass the sniff test.

Look, you’re early days, but your husband sounds deeply emotionally avoidant and I have no doubt this played a significant role in his affair – it seems like you know this and that he is working on it in therapy. That’s a start, I suppose, but he's going to have to figure out his own role in all of this and address his ability to cope with negative feelings. My guess is that this is going to be a bit of a long road if he’s been this way his whole life. Is he otherwise treating the depression (ie. meds etc)?

still doesn't see massively what she did wrong as she was only trying to help him

This is a problem. He is still clearly very foggy. FYI the "affair fog" is what we call the "magical" (aka unrealistic/distorted) way of thinking waywards have that enables them to carry out an affair. When a wayward is "in the fog" they do all sorts of illogical justifications of their behaviour in order to carry out their limerant actions. If it doesn't make a lot of sense to you, you're not alone. If he wants to save your marriage, he needs to snap out it. When he is able to return to reality, he will come to see the OW for as someone who is an enemy to the marriage, because that is who she is. He cannot reconcile with you if he still holds a place in his heart for her. Very much second the recommendation that you both read Not Just Friends.

Should I stay and work on it or go and start new. So confused as I love him but not this changed person.

None of us can answer this question for you. This is going to be something you need to answer for yourself. If you don’t know the answer right now, that is okay. You don’t have to have all the answers now. I will tell you that love is not enough. For R to work (and I mean REAL R, not simply staying together for kids, finances, logistics, etc) you BOTH need to be all in and you both have to be willing to dig deep into yourselves and with one another to achieve vulnerability, honesty, and trust - perhaps at a level you've never previously experienced. That is not easy work and not everyone has it in them. Again, it’s okay not to be there right now – given that he's still very foggy, I wouldn't advise that you jump in with both feet right now. There is no turning back the clock and going back to the way it was before. Even if you're both totally committed to one another and rebuilding your marriage from the ground up (the old marriage is dead), this will always be part of your story. You may find that the person you think you fell in love with many years ago does not exist anymore, and maybe never did. You are likely a different person than you were years ago too. Its worth asking yourself whether you're truly compatible anymore, and the last time the marriage was truly good. How long has he been the changed person you have described? If you were starting a new relationship with him now (and in many ways you are), is this a person you'd want to be with? You are not obligated to stay just because of the depression.

I wish you all the best and encourage you to keep reading and posting.

Thank you so much for the below, you have all been so helpful. I shall read though and update when my head is a bit more in gear.

Much appreciated

thank you all for your comments. Im still so low and confused. Its very hard to make any decisions as his depression is tough. I love him dearly but I want us both to be happy, but I know Im not dealing with the real him, his dark days are brutal (he isnt on meds, but tough cbt therapy weekend and then our therapy)

Re the messages, he said he deleted them, most he cant remember but some of them he can remember he has told me. I supposed I could ask her husband for them as he caught them messaging but Im now thinking whats the point- they will just make me hurt more and Im such an overthinker. I did ask him about them and he said they werent 'bad'(like cant wait to see you...photos etc) but by December they had crossed the line into flirty territory.

I did say to him this week how could you risk losing us, me and your children for HER and he said he never seen it like that all, that never went though his head as it was just comfort!!!!!! but totally knows it was wrong and by December he is 'disgusted' (his words)

We did see her again friday on our dog walk and she just put her head down and walked passed, I told him they both took me for fools for months and he said that was never the case - it was talking to a friend about his unhappy marriage and it was never me vs her, it was a friend that he got respite in and both spoke about their uphappy marriages. I did ask how he felt when seeing her again and he said sad, not for her but we were all such close friends the situation is just sad that we cant even say hellow anymore. He just fully cant see the 'affair' which maybe part him and maybe part depression, part early days.

I dont think he is being protective, he just says from his side she was a friend who listened but yes she was bad for doing what she did to me. Part if that too is he said he was 50% to blame so its not all het (which is true)

I do need to get passed this to work on 'us'. He still seems resentful/angry at me due alot of things Ive 'done' - and I do understand Im not innocent in our issues but not all as Im not a bad person, when you have a partner who has been emotional unavailable for years its tough on a relationship. Im sure the depression has highlighted all my faults. He said he has never felt safe, never felt safe with me but thats a 'him problem' as he hasnt felt safe in anything which is a ADHD trait.

Its so tough, I feel like im in Limbo - scared that she will come back on the scene so I want to run away, but there is so much love there. I wouldnt wish this pain on my worst enemy

Bump per request of OP

Hi there. I'm going to chime in here. I read through this twice. And...IDGAF what his diagnosis is, it is no excuse for his affair. He doesn't get to use it as an excuse or weaponize it.

If that "friendship" was just that (que up Biz Markie), it wouldn't have been hidden from you.

NONE of this is your fault - you were in the same marriage and you didn't find, flirt with and meet up with a secret male friend.

When I read through and hear his lame ass excuses my eye rolls are giving me a headache. Just because he's trying to feed you bullshit, you are in no obligation to eat it.

His refusal to see this for what it is is a HUGE red flag. If I were a betting person, I'd guarantee he wouldn't like it if rolls were reversed. And that should be a barometer of sorts.

IMHO - you don't need to "get past it and work on us" as that is just rug-sweeping which seldom ends well. You need to work on you, he needs to work on him and then you work on "us" if that's what you end up wanting.