SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out my Fiance had cheated on me a few weeks before our wedding. We've been together for 10 years and engaged for 1 year. I found out because a girl he had a one night stand with found out he had a long term girlfriend and messaged me via facebook because she thought I should know. It was heartbreaking and he initially denied everything but she had a video of him that he had sent her and screenshots of their text messages at which point he couldn't deny it anymore.

He has since come clean with me and admitted to having a sex addiction. The cheating has been going on throughout our entire relationship. Both physical and emotional. Mostly one night stands but there were 3 different times he was having an affair that lasted 1-2 months. Sexting with girls via dating apps, watching porn, and cam girls.

I had no idea and and I'm obviously devastated the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with is not who I thought they were. If there were signs I wasn't looking for them. I would never do this to a person so it was never even on my radar that he could do this to me.

I'm now struggling with the decision if I should stay or go. He wants to reconcile and has started a 12 step program and gotten a sponser. He is going to a meeting every day and also doing indivdual counciling. He also arranged for a couples counslor if I want it. He's taken full responsibility and made me a list of every time he wasn't faithful.

I know it's good he has taken these steps but it makes the decision whether to stay or go more confusing for me. It would be so much easier if he was being a jerk about the whole thing and not owning up to his mistakes and making no changes. He is promising to work on his recovery every single day and that he still wants to spend the rest of my life with me. He's respecting the boundaries I've set and giving me space. I've called off the wedding and moved back in with my parents since we were living together.

Is there anyone that can relate and does anyone have any advice when you're facing the decision to stay or go?

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here. You will find a great deal of support.

Kudos to you for calling off the wedding. Your fiance has failed the fiance test repeatedly proving he cannot be faithful. Do you really want to be looking over your shoulder your entire marriage? I'm not an expert, but I understand sex addiction is very difficult to overcome.

Your fiance also put your life at risk for potential STDs by having sex with God knows who.

Cheating is not a mistake. It is a series of conscious choices. A mistake is forgetting to put the garbage out. He has cheated your entire relationship, your relationship has been a bed of lies from the beginning, no real solid foundation to build on.

He has shown you repeatedly who he truly is, please believe him. You deserve an honest and faithful guy, not someone who would go behind your back for a decade betraying the one person in the world he supposedly wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

If you were my daughter, I'd advise you to run and never look back. Not married. No children. No real? financial ties.

Get yourself into a good IC to help you navigate this nightmare he has brought into your life. IMO you've dodged a bullet and thankfully you found out before the wedding.

I'm so sorry, please think long and hard, if you continue this relationship you are in for a lifetime of disappointment and heartache.

[This message edited by annb at 8:56 PM, Thursday, April 11th]

So glad you found out BEFORE the wedding and not after, when there would be expensive lawyers to deal with and separation of assets.

Honest opinion? Walk away. To be cheating extensively during a ten year relationship, you don't even know who he is anymore. The fact that he kept an entirely separate life from you for that long and you ONLY found out because he got sloppy and a girl turned him in should tell you a lot.

He's not a safe partner. If he can fix his addiction, that would be good for him, and he should definitely do it. But for himself and for a future partner, not for you. I think this might be too far gone to consider reconciling. Unless you don't mind him sleeping with other girls, this is a massive betrayal of trust, and it's REALLY hard to get that back. Even if you do develop trust to some degree, your relationship will never be the same, and you would likely find yourself unable to love him like you did at one time.

I’m not sure how long ago you found out - but I’m thinking a couple of months at the most? Well done for calling off the wedding, that was very brave and absolutely the right thing to do, if extremely hard.

I echo the other posters who say run and don’t look back. Thank goodness you found out before the wedding and all the legal entanglements that that brings. You didn’t mention children so you really could cut him out of your life. As someone who has to co-parent with an XWH, I cannot tell you how hard it is to be forced to be civil with someone who has devastated you and who you wish to forget.

I have a dear friend who was in a similar situation to you. 10 year relationship. She forgave him the first time she found out that he cheated. It seemed like too much to throw away. Sadly later he broke up with her for a new AP. Today she is married to someone else and has two lovely children. She really thought she would never find someone after being with him for so long, but she was wrong.

He may be an addict and that might make you think that it’s not really his ‘fault’. But even if that is true, that does not make him a safe partner now, and it is not likely that he will be for a very long time, if ever. Do you really want to wait for something that may not materialise?

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you're here. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you might find helpful, as well as some with bull's eye icons. The Healing Library has a lot of great information, and includes the acronyms that we use. The ICR (I Can Relate) forum has a thread for Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts and another for Emotionless Infidelity that you may wish to read through.

Infidelity is devastating. If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist would be helpful, or somebody who specializes in treating partners of sex addicts. It's important to know that sex addiction (SA) can only be diagnosed by a CSAT (certified sexual addiction therapist). There are people now that say they're SA when they really are just a-holes.

We recommend that each of you do IC to work on yourself before you do CC (couples counseling). Unless you get a really good one, they can shift the blame to you. His cheating has nothing to do with you - it is 100% his crappy decisions.

Please get tested for STDs/STIs because there are some really nasty diseases out there that can kill you. If you're having issues with depression, anxiety or sleeping, ask your doctor for some meds. You may not need them forever, but they can help you get through the initial trauma.

There's a book called How To Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair by Linda MacDonald that your WBF (wayward boyfriend) should get and read. (You can read it, too.) It is a good blueprint for a starting place for him.

I gave myself 6 month increments to evaluate how my XWH was doing. Spoiler alert: He did the work for the first month or so, then slowly stopped doing the work. He said he was going to IC, but I have my doubts. Anyway, it took 18 months for me to learn that he wasn't going to be a safe partner, so we are now D.

Expect your emotions to be all over the place. Keep posting and we'll help you walk through this.

I’m So sorry this has happened to you. 10 years is a long time to be involved with someone who led a double life.

Think of this. He’s been doing something for a decade. How do you know he’s going to stop completely? This behavior or addiction has now become part of his life. His existence. His M.O. it’s almost like it’s his DNA.

I think that you should consider not marrying him and put all commitments on hold. Take a step back and don’t give in to his lovebombing and promises. He’s saying anything he has to right now.

But his actions will determine if he really is committed to monogamy. You want to know that he will continue to be truthful and transparent 3 months from now, 6 months from now, etc.

Being a member here for years, a number of betrayeds who gave their spouse or mate a second or third chance that were "sex addicts" regretted it.

They were cheated on again and again sadly.

If I had to place a bet, I’d say right now he’s a good person to place in the "most likely to cheat again" category.

Just based on his past behavior, he’s been doing this for many many years. Hard to believe he can stop.

I’m so sorry u are here :(

Very proud of u for calling off the wedding !!! I know it’s hard but do you really want to marry someone capable of this ???? You can do better. Value yourself and lean on a solid support system. Pls go to IC

I'm sorry if I missed this, but has he been diagnosed by a professional?

I’ll add - of course he is "being good" and doing all this "right stuff". Personally I’d consider myself lucky , live your life and if he cleans up his act down the line and you are still I retested then consider. This sounds so painful - I’m so sorry 😢

So sorry you're here SodaPopSunday. Please nurture yourself with radical self care and trauma focused IC (if you can), and protect yourself by recognizing his claims as the love bombing they are. Yes, change is possible - but, IMO, not probable from what you describe. SA or not, his process will take YEARS to yield lasting results, and must remain a life-long endeavor. And he must want to change for himself - not claim to want change only because he's scrambling to save the relationship - or to save face. Only time will prove whether or not he's serious about tackling the deep, hard introspection and long term commitment necessary to address his selfish/objectifying world view. In the meantime, calling off the wedding and moving in with your parents were the right things to do. Those must have been stressful decisions. You're very brave!

It would be so much easier if he was being a jerk about the whole thing and not owning up to his mistakes and making no changes.

Some hard truths.... He was just fine with his "mistakes" when you didn't know. The changes he claims to be putting in place only happened after he was outed. And, he was okay with putting you at risk for exposure to STD's - for 10 LONG years. He was also willing to defraud you - to marry you - while KNOWINGLY carrying on separate, secret lives. What about financial abuse? Cam gals (and hookers???) and romancing APs cost $$$. Did you share finances?

He was VERY adept at hiding twisted, self-indulgent duplicitous lives from EVERYONE. It's scary when you think about it. He lived part-time in a deep, dark sexual basement hidden from you for a decade. That basement would still be hidden if you didn't stumble into it. Another way to view this - he's capable of putting on masks that allow him to function as different people in different situations. One mask for the one night stands, another mask for the long term APs, yet another mask for YOU. Obviously, he is NOT the person you thought he was. And he was adopting these elaborate, hidden personas FOR 10 YEARS. One wonders what else he could be hiding.

Wondering about the decision to marry one year ago after a loooong (9 years!) relationship. What prompted the plan to marry? What changed?

Please be leery of the SA label he's bandying about. Is there a professional diagnosis? His long term emotional entanglements could point to something else......

I'm no therapist, but I do see inherent pitfalls when claiming SA- without appropriate assessment and proven efficacious treatment. BluerThanBlue did an excellent job summarizing the SA conundrum in another post so I'll cadge from them:

"Also, be very skeptical of applying the "sex addict" label to your husband; it's tempting to accept it because it's much easier to cope with your husband having an illness than it is to deal with the fact that he no morals, doesn't care about anyone but himself, and considers women as objects to be used for his comfort and pleasure.

Even though there are lots of doctors running around with so-called sex addiction therapy certifications, it's not included in the latest edition of psychiatric diagnostic manual (the DSM V), which insurance companies use to determine which mental disorders are legitimate and hence eligible for treatment reimbursement. There is a lot of debate in the psychiatric community about whether sex addiction exists, and if it does, whether it qualifies as its own, distinct disorder or whether it's one of many possible symptoms of other psychiatric conditions and/or personality disorders.

In short, don't get suckered into investing lots of money and faith into dubious sex addiction therapy and treatment programs that are not based on any medical consensus and for which there is very little proof of effectiveness or clinical benefit."

SodaPop, IMHO, it's possible he's labeling his deceptive sexuality/sexual entitlement SA because it may be more palatable for him to call his behavior a "sex addiction" rather than attempt to understand his motivations. Or even accurately name what he does. If it's an addiction he's not responsible for his behavior. He's the VICTIM. See how that works? Easy Peasy. So, he'll need "help" to overcome this so called addiction. Which puts the ball in your court, so to speak. IF you stay with him. And in a twisted way, the cover of "sex addict" may provide ass-backwards image management if the truth comes out to friends and family as to why you called off the wedding. If he's outed as a liar, cheat, hypocrite and emotional abuser at least the label "sex addict" allows him to hide behind the idea that those behaviors were beyond his control. Maybe even garner some sympathy. Poor guy........he'll need everyone's support and sympathy to conquer his addiction......he wants to be a better man.......and so on. This possible ploy seems to be working on you - you're considering reconciliation!

Please protect yourself. Continue to be brave. Protecting yourself includes staying away from his drama and love bombing. And NO couples counseling! If he wants to change for HIMSELF great. He can (and should!) do that - on his own. While he is unpacking his baggage, please take care of YOU. Hope you'll take this time to work through what he did to you. 10 years of your precious life were spent with a man wearing masks; a man hiding sordid, secret lives. It will take self-analysis and physical space/emotional separation from him to untangle all of this! Hope you'll eventually recognize the trauma, the EMOTIONAL ABUSE he put you through. And recognize that you dodged a bullet.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 10:04 PM, Sunday, April 14th]

You are gods favorite child, the timing couldn’t be better. Some higher power is giving you a massive flashing warning. Heed the warning, walk away. Protect your health and your future.

Marry someone that does not struggle to love you exclusively and does not need a 12 step program to not cheat on you. This is the single most important decision that will alter the course of your life. Don’t take it lightly.

Trust me. I ignored the warnings. Here I am lol

In some ways this strikes near home...
I caught my fiancé in an affair four weeks and six days before our big wedding, after a 5 year relationship and nearly 2 year engagement. In my instance I decided that if she would cheat this shortly before a lifetime commitment then there was so much wrong that needed fixing and that my best path was one without her.
But... That was a young me. No major joint life- or financial commitments and a relatively easy path to go my own way. Technically that is – emotionally it was tough. Although I often state that finances and kids should never be the reason you stay, they definitely factor in on why you might make the effort to stay.

For you and your situation then it’s your call... I do however want to make a couple of points:
It’s better to have the SA diagnosis affirmed by a counselor that can confirm the diagnosis. Addiction of any type is a serious thing, and many recognized addictions are a life-time battle. Like if you were to talk to a recovered and long-time sober alcoholic or coke addict they won’t tell you that they are cured or don’t have the addiction, but rather that they have gained the tools to allow them to manage their desire. They recognize that all it takes to fall off the wagon is one careless act – things like being tired, stressed, in the wrong place at the wrong time... – and it’s back to an active addiction.

He is promising to work on his recovery every single day
Well... He has to, and if he remains "clean" he will be working on being clean every day for the rest of his life. The meetings might drop from 1-2 per day to 2-3 per week to 4 per month to 1 per month... but when you two turn sixtyfive he will still be doing stuff to remain clean. In fact, the moment he stops going to meeting is the moment you should start worrying...

It’s this seriousness that I worry about, and I do so from some angles:
First of all – I truly believe in methods based on AA – such as SA treatment. Only... it only works if you are an addict. It’s a bit like antibiotics will work if you have an infection and are great for that purpose. But if you sprain your foot no amount of antibiotics will help. If he isn’t an addict then all the meetings will get him is an occasional donut and free coffee.
Second: This is a lifetime. There will be relapses. It’s a very rare addict that goes clean on the first break. It’s more-or-less guaranteed he will cheat on you again. It’s going to take a relapse – be it direct interaction with another woman or porn-use or constantly looking at any butt walking down the street. If not handled it will escalate.
Third: Addictions tend to involve all stakeholders. With time you will have a codependent relationship with him and his addiction. That’s why we have humongous associations like Al Anon.

Its totally your call what to do. Just realize what lies ahead.
I could put it this way: If my daughter started dating a recovering addict with less than 3 years of sobriety I would hope that relationship wouldn’t last.

Ask him to answer one honest question………..."what is it that’s so special about me (you) that you (him) would want to go through with the marriage given the fact that you (him) would cheat on me (you) for 11 years?" I’d be very interested to hear the answer to that one. For me, I could never go through with a marriage after that. Especially if I wanted to start a family. If I didn’t want to start a family, I’d never get married.

I’d like to add a real fact. I have more than 10 friends/family who were cheated on while dating and/or engaged.

They married the cheater despite knowing the truth.

Every one of them were cheated on during the marriage.

The cheater has a mindset that b/c you forgave them for cheating in the past, if you find out they cheated during the marriage, you will forgive them again.

Some finally wised up and divorced the cheater. Others remained unhappily married.

But I can tell you every one of those people said they should have listened to the warning bells going off in their head that told them to RUN. They faced a lifetime of lies, deceit, mistrust,manipulation etc.

Understand what you are in for. And realize you dodged a bullet by not marrying someone who led a double life for years. And IMO would have continued to do so after marriage.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:58 AM, Monday, April 15th]

A

[If you were my daughter, I'd advise you to run and never look back. Not married. No children. No real? financial ties.

Get yourself into a good IC to help you navigate this nightmare he has brought into your life. IMO you've dodged a bullet and thankfully you found out before the wedding.

I'm so sorry, please think long and hard, if you continue this relationship you are in for a lifetime of disappointment and heartache.

/quote]

I couldn’t agree more. You normally try to save your relationship if you have children and a family history together. Here there is a person who is mot who you think he is and you have a life ahead of you, so please run and grab your opportunity to start fresh with someone better.

You don’t need to be a Christian to accept these as wisdom words

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."

I believe there is a syndrome that can be called, accurately, 'sex addiction.'

At the same time, if I were a WS who wanted to temper my BS's reaction, I can see myself claiming to be addicted to sex. To satisfy any skeptics about my diagnosis, I'd look for a sex addiction enthusiast professional, because I suspect a sex addiction enthusiast is overly likely to find SA - it's like: people who love hammers find more nails than people who are less enthusiastic about using a hammer.

So I'd be skeptical about any professional diagnosis.

R in any case is a risk. It takes years to find out if it will succeed. It will take years for your XF to change from cheater to good partner.

What's so special about him (as he really is, not as you thought he was) that it's beneficial for you to stay with him? That's just as important as finding out if he really knows what makes you special.

Hi, Sodapop, how are you doing?

Are you overwhelmed with all of the responses?

Please understand that we have all been cheated on, some not to the excess in your case, but there's a wealth of knowledge here from members who have walked in your shoes.

I hope you are ok.

Serial cheater, no kids, claiming addiction (which means relapses).

I'd run if I were you.

Real sex addiction is just that and addiction, just like being hooked on the strongest drug but not being able to get anu lasting satisfaction or fulfilment from it.

The only reason I'm stating this is cheaters usually use this as an excuse for cheating. Real sex addiction is not glamorous or exciting, it's burdensome, dirty. Looking for sex anywhere and by any means.

All of the excuses, it's perhaps the most wrongly used

Hi, Sodapop, please check in just to let us know you are OK.

A huge virtual hug.......