SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Almost a year and a half has happened since my last message. Not sure where to post this.

A quick run down...

* in December of 2022 I found out my partner of 10 years was having an affair. We were not married but we were a COUPLE! LIFE PARTNERS! I know we were good together.

* I found this out after she moved to a new city for work and she ended it with me. We both travel a lot and have done long distance before so the distance should not have been a big deal.

* she said it was over. She was in love with another

* next 4 months I threw myself into the world... did my best to exist and I guess not hurt

* after 4 months my ex and I started communicating and seeing each other fairly regularly. She says she is working on ending the relationship with the other man

* after 8 months she sounded like she wanted to make it work. In her words communication with the other man has stopped

* this January she said does not want to be in a relationship (things like couples therapy are off, which we never did). We have been together frequently and it felt good!! ...this was quite a surprise to me!

* after she still wants to communicate and see me like we are a couple almost. It feels like nothing has changed

* during this whole time I feel like I am going crazy! She cannot talk about anything real. She shuts down. We get along fine as long as we avoid discussions about commitment/future

I feel I am at the point I just need to put this down. This living in limbo is bad for me!!! But for some reason I can't!! It feels like an addiction. I think it is not healthy for me.

I wish I knew how to just quit caring and having feelings and hopes and just let go.

I am sooooo confused!!! And feeling like an idiot when I look at my history and how I continue the same actions. I feel like I spend an embarrassing amount of my life thinking about how I can somehow make it all ok. Counting the days until I can see her. Waiting for her to message me back. It feels like I have no control over anything. It's taking over my life. I keep waiting for her to do something (sounds so stupid). To turn the corner or disappear.

ugggh!!!!

[This message edited by soconfused0314 at 2:25 AM, Tuesday, April 23rd]

You see to be in a place where you are accepting being a plan B. By doing this, you are closing yourself off to the opportunities of being in a healthy relationship.

^^^^ What Justsomeguy said.

She has her cake and is eating it too.

She's probably still involved with the other man.

She's dangling carrots at you in case it doesn't work out with her AP.

Please find a good counselor to figure out why you would continue in this hellish limbo.

She's not a safe partner, you deserve much better.

You are still doing the Pick-Me dance.

This will eventually erode your self-respect down to a level where you will not be able to recover it back.

Why did you not go NC with her earlier?

It feels like an addiction. I think it is not healthy for me.

I wish I knew how to just quit caring and having feelings and hopes and just let go.

I think you nailed it with your "feels like an addiction" comment. Like she makes you whole. Your sense of self is stronger when you’re around her. Even if it is painful to do so.

She’s a part of what defines you. After 10 years, it is not surprising. What is your identity if a core part of it is no longer "her boyfriend"?

But really, she’s a part of what you let define you. And what if you didn’t need to be defined in the first place?

The next time you are with her, really put your awareness on the good feeling you get being around her. Ask yourself where that comes from. Follow it back down the rabbit hole. What pain is it assuaging? Look deeply on this…it’s where your addiction lies.

She's keeping you on a string while she's out there living the best of both worlds.

At best she's treating you like an emergency back up plan.

I know it sucks. I know it hard. But cut bait and RUN. Get yourself some good IC.

She's shown you who she is now - believe her.

Your logical mind does not always act in line with your heart.

I cannot tell you why you accept her crumbs of a "real" relationship but you are just not ready to accept she’s not the person you thought she was.

It’s hard to suddenly become aware that a person is no longer the sane person they once were and changed into a lying cheating jerk.

Like you I had a hard time admitting and accepting my H was a jerk. He practically openly cheated and yet I kept making excuses and trying to fix me/us to get our marriage back on track.

I don’t know what pushed me to face reality. Perhaps it was dday2. Perhaps it was the millionth time he wanted a D (because of the OW).

I just know all my love went out the window and anger and a fire was in me. I was done being his plan B.

Standing up to him was the best thing I ever did. I finally put myself first. And I cannot tell you how much better my life is.

I don't see how you can heal and move on while you keep seeing her, and she keeps seeing OM and pulling away from you.

My reco is to force her to choose, and if she doesn't choose you, go NC (no contact). Just as it's important for WSes to go NC with their aps, it's crucial for BSes to go NC as much as possible with their WSes if R is impossible. (It's impossible to go NC completely if kids are involved, for example.)

I don't mean to imply it's easy. It's not. But NC means no new hurts, and that gives you some distance, and you can use that distance to teach yourself your XWSO is not a good match for you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:24 PM, Tuesday, April 23rd]

After 10 years you are both attached.

Attachment alone really just comes down to not knowing how to let the other person go even when you should.

We get attached. It's normal and biological. It's hard to break a long term attachment.

It sounds like your partner is having difficulty breaking the attachment to you as well. But it's not love. If it were, she wouldn't have betrayed and abandoned you. She wouldn't be telling you that she doesn't want a relationship. Her attachment to you means she wants to talk or spend time but she won't romantically commit to you because she doesn't feel that for you.

You have to do a very hard thing. You need to break the attachment. The best way to do that is to go no contact. How about telling her that you want no contact for the next 30 days? Then you can reassess. Longer NC, the better but start with 30 days.

You need to detox off the attachment and that can't happen while you keep the connection going with contact.

During the NC period, see a therapist if you can. You'll need someone to talk to about the anxiety and pain that comes with breaking an attachment. In addition, use that time to fill up your life with whatever else brings you joy and peace. Explore new things as well.

You might be surprised how you feel after a long period of NC. Especially if you use that time to take good care of yourself.

She doesn't want a relationship with you. She just doesn't want to be alone while she's looking for the next one.

You should detach and focus on yourself. You need to move on and start looking for something else. Start thinking of her as a casual friend because your next partner is not going to want you giving her any more attention than that.

Wishing you the best.

She doesn't want a relationship with you. She just doesn't want to be alone while she's looking for the next one.

This is the best quote I read today. This. This right here. Sums it all up quite nicely.

I feel I am at the point I just need to put this down. This living in limbo is bad for me!!! But for some reason I can't!! It feels like an addiction. I think it is not healthy for me.

The above sentence says it all basically...

The first step is probably recognizing you have a problem, and that your behavior is an addiction.

So if this was booze... what would you do?

If your problem was that every day after work you would stop by at Moe’s Bar for several drinks... Maybe your first task would be to choose another path home... Maybe you would pour the vodka you have at home down the sink, and maybe you wouldn’t buy beers when grocery-shopping.

It’s basically the same here...

I encourage you to do the following:

Let her know that you are out. Tell her that from NOW – TODAY – and for the next 90 days you will not in any way or form contact her, and ask that she doesn’t contact you. If there is a life-or-death, legal or major financial issue she can contact your friend Joe and he will pass the message to you. You can even have a date set up that on this particular day you two might grab a coffee and see where you are. But that date is 90 days away...

Then stay the f... away from her!

Surpress your desires to contact her. Avoid the situations where your yearning grows.

Meet people. Maybe even a date or two.

Exercise. Learn how to paraglide. Play golf. Buy a fishing rod. Get a puppy. Fix your car...

WHATEVER!

Just don’t feed your addiction.

Friend – do this and in less than 30 days you will be feeling better.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:05 PM, Friday, April 26th]