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I couldn't stop the runaway train of anger and grief yesterday. I've read that the best way forward through reconciliation is to turn towards your partner as much as possible, and she has been wonderful/courageous/honest. I opened up about my feelings and how my mind was just racing all day with mental images, feelings of disgust, inadequacy, disrespect, and confusion. My anger really started to scare her and I started getting physical with things in the room (ripping clothes, punching walls). She became tearful and asked me to leave. I told her that I would, but she should know that I would never hurt her (or my family). We were able to work through feelings, but I know I caused a lot of hurt/fear in her. We've talked about it, and she says she's okay and that she can't see us moving forward any other way. I suggested that next time I could try to calm down with a walk or other self care choices, but she didn't think that was needed.

My questions to anyone with insight are: does this sound like healthy discourse? If not, what might some better options be?

You have every right to be angry. Every right to rage. But you don't have the right to be violent. Punching walls is,legally, considered DV.

Make no mistake. You need to express your anger. Otherwise,it becomes poison,and it will destroy you. And she absolutely needs to hear it. And help you through it. But you can not be physical,in any way. Talk it through. If you feel you need to express anger,physically, get a punching bag, and set it up in a spare room,or the garage. That is a healthy outlet. It helps.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:21 PM, Tuesday, April 23rd]

Punching walls is,legally, considered DV.

Thank you for that knowledge. It left me feeling uneasy, even though she said she understood.

I really like your idea of a punching bag for the basement, and I appreciate your insight.

Can you find a physical outlet which is tiring but not violent per se, like lifting weights or long solo hikes.

I did several.

As reconciliation progressed I started doing some of them with my wife and kids more often, but not at the start so much.

I’m sorry you got to that point. I had a few rages at my husband and my words were terrible.

If I really felt angry at him I found it best to leave and go somewhere until I calmed down. Or until I felt like I no longer needed to blast him.

What worked for me often was thinking to myself all the things I’d like to say (but didn’t). Sometimes I’d have to stop myself from smirking. Because my thoughts were pretty damn funny.

One time my H came home from a golf game and was annoyed one of the players was cheating. If he only knew what my snide comments were (in my head) he’d probably D me. Even this many years later lol.

I remember throwing margaritas, cereal bags and on Dday I pushed him into our stove and punched him

He couldn’t walk right for three weeks.
-no im absolutely not proud of that.

One night I had a meltdown when my oldest was out front playing. I shredded my prayer beads, I threw margarita all over my cabinets, I found EVERY SINGLE toy I could find big or small and threw it at him while he just stood in the living room. He took all of it. I was so toxic. My 10 year old came in and she was literally traumatized and my husband was on his knees crying telling her that he did this to me and that it wasn’t my fault. I can’t tell you how much that traumatized my H too. He has issues with certain cereals and all kinds of things now.

So no. I don’t think that is reconciliation. Did he traumatize me ? Yes but I wasn’t making matters better. I was also creating trauma for my daughter who loved her dad.

I have found outlets through the gym (when lifting, running).

Our spouses betrayed us in the worst possible way, yes buttttttt if we are on the path to reconciliation we have to control our anger. I’m working on that in IC and also by being super honest with him. When I start to spiral or get triggered I leave. He usually sees it’s starting before I do and he will offer to put the kids to bed while I go out for a bit and do whatever to get out. I also thing our spouses think they deserve to be treated that way so they take it … but it’s abuse imo. Sometimes I’ll even say , I feel like kicking your a**. Even saying that helps because then he can talk me off the ledge. He tells me how sorry he is and how losing me

Would hurt more than kicking his a**

I’m not judging u by any means, I am in the same boat. I just wanted to throw that out there for you.

If you like to go to the gym , it is a great release.

If you’re religious , find a great church.

There are many outlets , just be kind to yourself and focus on your healing in a safe way.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 10:15 PM, Tuesday, April 23rd]

I didn't do it with my H in the room, but I did kick a hole in the wall in the early days after DDay. And I tore up a ball cap with my bare hands. The feelings are overwhelming sometimes.

I also expressed my anger by writing a list of the things that I was angry about. I read it aloud to him. It was much more cathartic than kicking the wall, and I didn't have to repair anything afterwards.

Another thing that helped me tremendously was driving around alone with the windows down, screaming along to angry songs. I made myself an angry playlist.

I agree, find physical outlets. When my D-day 2 hit, I exercised three times a day to burn off the crazy inside myself. Even with her massive betrayal, she does not deserve to be harmed or threatened.

I just want to say that I am very proud of this community for this being our common stance on an issue like this. I could believe that people outside might expect us to say "give it to them, they deserve it and more!" But even knowing the pain of the betrayal, we advise restraint. Truly, SI is a wonderful community.

Thank you all for the insight. Having never posted before, I thought of these forums as a library for advice. It seems the real magic is in the shared wisdom (as well as feeling less alone in our grief/trauma). I feel such gratitude after reading through everyone's heartfelt posts!

I also thing our spouses think they deserve to be treated that way so they take it … but it’s abuse

This feels very true for why my spouse tolerated and even seemed to accept the behaviors.

Silver lining for me: I got to release a lot of rage while lifting today--the working sets felt almost like warm-ups!

Two years out from DDay, and bouts of anger still occasionally surface, which I handle by digging the heck out of my garden, going for a long walk, working out with my weights or playing pickleball, but I make sure WW knows what has happened, then we talk it out before damage is done.

Get a heavy bag and set of gloves. Did wonders for me...

We lived in the country, so this part was easier for me. I sat out on my porch with the dog and we howled. (He was missing my son who got his first job and was away for the first time. Doggie separation anxiety, I guess.) We'd go out and sit on the top step, I'd throw my arm around his neck and we would both just howl. I would also go out to my car and scream until my voice was gone. Nobody could hear and I would just scream. Sometimes, I'd turn the radio up to the highest level and scream over the top of whatever was playing.

Other options are Mad Rooms, where you can go and smash things with sledge hammers, etc. Go to a batting cage. Buy inexpensive dishes at a second-hand store and use them for batting or golfing practice. Put water in paper plates, freeze, then use for batting practice.

During the initial phase, I could barely control my anger. After about 6 months, I realize that the yelling and screaming was abusive and I didn't want to be an abuser. I was able to feel when the emotional rollercoaster was near and put myself in timeout. I'd leave the room for 30-40 minutes to help the emotions regulate, then could engage in conversation without being abusive.

At about 5 months out from D-Day my anger got out of control! I never in my life thought I had that type of rage inside me. I punched things, threw and broke my shampoo bottle and I kicked my BH bicycle tyre so he nearly fell off.

It really scared me and I’m so glad I’ve gained control of my anger now and I never want to be like that again!

I can be honest. In our 35 years of marriage, I never hit her. Except once. Early on, after DDay 1, we were working on a plan on how to move forward. I found out this EA I caught her in was not her first go round and others had gotten physical (oral). I was already on the edge. Then she lied to me about something we had already found out in discovery. (WS's have a hard time keeping track of all the lies). I had it. I slapped her across the face. It stunned me, it shocked her. While I wondered what in the hell was I thinking, she quietly sobbed and said she deserved it.

No, she didn't. I was wrong. Before that, I had taken her cell phone, the one she communicated with the AP on, and crushed it in my hands. I knew I was losing control, and it was very unlike me. I needed to talk with my IC. I needed to apologize to her. I mean really apologize, the kind where you commit to it never happening again, and stick to it. I found other ways to deal with my rage, like others have suggested. While I am not at all proud to admit it happened, I think it is important to recognize the pain of betrayal can push you to become unhinged. So we have to find ways to deal with it properly. Slapping my WW was not at all proper, and she could have had me arrested. I am still ashamed when I think about it. It was a low point in my life, I should have done better.

I set down some ground rules for myself. Rules of Engagement I think it is called when in conflict. I asked her to agree to them. One of the big ones was to call time out when one of us was getting too emotional (angry). The other had to respect it, but agree to come back to the discussion that day. I also learned to wait 24 hours to bring up something that went through my head. It was important because some of the things that could have started a fight were just noise, and 24 hours later, it was not something that needed to be discussed. If it stayed top of mind for 24 hours, we probably needed to hash it out. But by then, the anger had subsided, and we could discuss it more rationally.

The rage and anger is real. It is likely the expression of the pain you are feeling. It is better to let it be pain, and discharge it in a different way. I am glad that incident did not stop our R. We are very much R'ed 9 years out.

As a ws, seeing the emotions helped me see the gravity. I agree you don’t want to scare her but outside of that, I think it’s helpful.

Reconciliation really takes coming to the same place. Being in it together. And it starts with the ws getting an understanding of the damage they cause and gaining empathy and remorse.

It’s normal to rage, you are right to take breaks. Walking breathing so it doesn’t get too out of control. It sounds like your wife gets that so that part is positive, and it’s positive that you recognize there still needs to be some parameters around managing yourself.

It's easier to avoid getting out of control if you stick to 'feeling words'.

Yelling something like 'I'm furious/grief-stricken that you did _____!' is usually much more effective than calling names or exclaiming, 'You cheated!' or 'You make me so sad!'

It's hard to explain, so my reco is try it out.