SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi.

I just want to pop in here and say from my perspective you are still very young and I think your partner has demonstrated who he is and you shouldn’t expect him to change.

Please don’t get pregnant expecting him to become a more committed partner. Having children is a very stressful time and if he’s already concerned that he’s not getting enough attention from you imagine how he will feel with a baby around. If you are worried that you might not find someone within 10 years of leaving him, I personally would freeze my eggs and allow myself time to choose a faithful partner.
I wouldn’t stay just because I had invested many years, especially when four of those years were in betrayal.

No one can make this decision except yourself, but please make sure you don’t accidentally get pregnant before you know for sure that you want to remain with him.

Also mentioned to him lack of connection and intimacy and he said he doesn’t feel wanted by me so that’s why he’s holding back.

(Is this normal to not want to give emotional or physical intimacy to your cheating partner and for them to also not try and make you feel safe/wanted?) it’s like he’s acting from his ego, his ego is bruised because I’m not showing him love or affection so he doesn’t feel he can show me with affection. He does clean the house and occasionally buy me flowers.

I wanted to chime in that this is shitty of him. I don’t love it. It’s absolutely normal for you to not feel like being intimate at this time or for it to be different.

It is absolutely his job to show you understanding and put in the work for you to feel safe. Blaming you for it is asinine - it’s a direct result of his actions and he should totally get that.

The intimacy part can be a long road, and his "poor me, she doesn’t want me" attitude is pretty immature and demonstrates a lack of empathy and understanding towards you.

He should be coming to the decision he needs more counselling, not leaving it up to you to tell him. That said, tell him.

"To add to my confusion, I went to see a tarot card reader who told me we would work it out but then another a few months later was like you know what you need to do, he’s holding you back."

As a professional psychic and tarot reader, your readings were a few months apart and energy can change in that time. While the first one said that you would work it out, perhaps she meant to say you "could" work it out. It's up to you. There are many people that come to me and I do see that they can work it out, not necessarily that they should work it out. But, without physical abuse or egregious actions, I try not to push a person either way. We are all given free-will. I will sometimes say if they were my son/daughter, I would recommend thinking about this or that, but as stated, everyone has to live their own life, and make their own decisions.

You're still young. As far as having a baby while you're in such a confusing situation, I would recommend waiting and watching to see if this is someone you want to be tied to for the next twenty some years.

Those who have reconciled and are happy together again, how did you know that was right choice for you? Would you have done anything differently if you could go back?

You’re posting in the R forum, so the crowd here is going to skew towards people who reconciled. Because things worked out for me, I have no (significant) regrets – at least not ones that would be applicable to anyone else. There isn't a single way to know for sure, but there was a point where I kind of just knew. I can't point to one specific thing and I certainly didn't know whether I could trust that feeling but I did.

For what it's worth, by asking the question here (in the R forum), you are leaving out a group of people who likely tried to reconcile with someone who was not a good candidate and wasted time. Wasting time kind of seems like something you DON’T want to be doing right now – especially if your biological clock is ticking.

There’s a big part of that wants to stay but I think maybe I’m holding onto what we were or what I had built us up to be in my head and i have to come to terms that that isn’t our reality anymore.

This is normal. I don’t think most people snap out of love overnight. If this was easy for you, I’d be shocked. You’ve likely never really taken any time to consider what a life without him would look like. I do think that’s a useful exercise now that the initial shock of it all has worn off. The fact that you wonder if he’s holding you back also seems like something you need to flesh out further.

I feel like if I was stronger I wouldn’t have begun reconciling in the first place

I encourage you to explore this. I’m not saying to D, but I am saying that if you are going to R, you should do so from a place of strength, rather than a place of weakness. Like if you’re going to R, do so because you love him and you’re proud of your relationship and the work you’ve both done in R to strengthen your bond and become closer together. Don’t do it because you feel weak and are scared of the alternatives. That’s not a decision you will ever feel proud of – and let me tell you, R is not easy, so you really need to be all in on it.

Have you read about the 180? It’s about focusing on yourself and rebuilding your self esteem and making sure you’re in the best, strongest position/headspace possible so that you can approach your decision making from a position of power, rather than weakness.

Also mentioned to him lack of connection and intimacy and he said he doesn’t feel wanted by me so that’s why he’s holding back.

Gently, this feels like a giant, red glaring flag. 8 months out is practically nothing in the grand scheme of things (especially when you consider that you haven’t been reconciling for the entirety of this period). This man had a 4 YEAR affair that resulted in a pregnancy scare with another woman. The fact that you’re even considering R right now suggests to me that he should be worshipping the ground you walk on and treating like an absolute queen right now. If there was ever a time for imbalance in your relationship it should be now. If he is unable to show you empathy now, I can’t imagine a circumstances where it might show up. TO be honest, the reality is that this is probably his best behaviour and he’s probably never going to treat you better than he is treating you right now. Are you okay with that?

Him moping like a baby with a bruised ego and expecting YOU to be putting all the effort into the relationship suggests to me that he’s learned nothing (and he has some insane expectations). His fragile ego got him into the A after all – he relied on another person to build him up and now he’s expecting YOU to prop that ego up now. When exactly does he do any of the heavy lifting?

Just how brief was IC? Even if he’d been going for the full 8 months (which it sounds like he hasn’t been), I assure you it was not enough time. What did he learn about himself? "I was sad and she made me feel better," is something I suppose, but like….. why does he feel the need to use other people to feel better? How has he addressed this issue? Lots of people go through tough times without cheating. Like you said, it’s not fucking hard. But if he doesn’t address how he copes with hardship, then what does that mean for your relationship in the future. I will tell you, having kids is hard. You’ll probably have less time for him and your relationship than you do right now, and how is he going to react to that? Is he going to pout and feel like he deserves something on the side because you’re spending too much time with the baby?

If he doesn’t deal with this issue, you are going to have to be afraid for your relationship every time something bad happens in his life from here on out. Because he will always be vulnerable to getting his bucket filled/seeking his self-esteem from external sources.

But is the grass really greener on the otherwise. Any future partner will likely also cheat given the stats so maybe I’m better off watering this grass to its fullest potential.

I just don’t think this is true. I think it’s always a possibility but I don’t think it’s a sure thing.

Thanks all, I’m really grateful to your comments and honest views on my situation.

A good idea on the egg freezing I think I might look into that separately actually to give me more options in the future.

He has been good at doing things around the house and getting flowers every now and again and I know that he would do anything for me but yea in terms of connection and intimacy I feel like at the moment I’m having to instigate or ask for a hug for example.

I will definitely say he should go back to IC and needs to work on himself.

Also really interesting what you said about tarots and the different energies at the time as I can feel I’m in a different headspace than I was before which maybe that’s what has come through.

I’ve not looked into the 180 stuff - I am trying to work on myself but I will look at this in more detail and see how that improved my headspace and clarity by committing and focusing on me alone.

I definitely agree though that it does give red flags some of his behaviour and I’ve mentioned this more than once to him so he’s just not hearing me. I’m looking forward to having some days apart soon!

I guess I’m posting my story in the R section because I still hold onto hope that we can get through this however it may not be right for us or me. I know he wants to R but I don’t have clarity whether it’s the right decision - I’m still on the fence and can see my life unfolding in two directions, with or without him. I think I’m living with my head in the sand a bit and not acknowledging the reality of our situation and what he’s done (and capable of) and what he’s ruined. Scary that you think you know someone and all the while they were living a double life.

I'm an old school guy who's wife's affair in 2006 totally knocked me for a loop. We decided to R. Even after almost 20 years I'm still up at 3 am some nights pondering EVERYTHING. Would I do R if I had to do it again? Probably not. It really boils down to whether or not you can mentally move past it. R clearly isn't for everyone and not choosing to is every bit as honorable.

Getting cheated on when you have kids and house and bills and pets is Hell on Earth.

Ask me how I know.

Think about that.

Only you can make this decision for yourself, it really does not matter what anyone else thinks, or has experienced, and you may not know whether you made the right decision for decades.

It’s not 12 amazing years though is it if 4 of those years were him off sleeping with someone else.

I know you say he immediately cut this person off but that also shows that after 4 years using a person and sleeping with them and impregnating them - and I imagine she had an abortion - that he can just go back to you and continue things.

As someone who had a baby at 38 you still have time! Please I urge you to pick the right person. As others have said, having a baby adds so much stress and from what I’ve seen you’ve already had enough stress without the baby on top.

Of course you can R and maybe everything will be fine. But if he could do this for 4 years and spend YEARS with you looking you in the eye on a daily basis and lying to you. Then do you not think he’s capable of the same behaviour again. I’m all for R if it’s a one time mistake or a shorter A but when it’s been going on years that’s a really deceptive person you’re with. I’m sure he was also deceiving the AP that he was going to leave and be with her as well as deceiving you.

I feel for you but take your time. Please don’t think he’s your only option. Really take time to think what you want in a partner - because I’m sure you didn’t dream of the father of your child being a cheater for 4 years.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Twelve years is a very long time to be in a relationship. There will be pain and difficult decisions either way. I also understand the clock as far as timing of children.
First off having children is wonderful but extremely stressful in many ways. I would give it at least a few years to see if he is a worthy partner and you are recovered if you decide to stay in the relationship.
I am two years after d day with a husband of 22 years. He had one night stands off and on the past ten years of our marriage until d day two years ago. A four year affair with one person is a lot to overcome. Really any betrayal is hard to overcome. makes me wonder what he told you versus the affair partner.
I know some people reconcile and the spark comes back and they build a new relationship.
First off that loss of spark or specialness I think is very common. I still feel that and I wonder if I always will. He should not have expectations of you showing affection. I see emotional immaturity in that. Which I have now seen so clearly in my WH. I have chosen to reconcile or at least continue trying because I see big changes in my WH and we are very intertwined financially and with our children.
If I was your age with no children and with youth on your side I would totally start over. And I say that as what I see rationally but of course I know this is such a hard decision. Staying with someone that has deceived you and has not kept their word or vows for years is extremely difficult. The more time that goes by honestly the more cognitive dissonance I have around this. But I’ve weighed my options and I think considering my life stage and what is best for my children and myself financially I am going to try to stay in the relationship. Your situation is very different. Although I know the pain of cutting off a long relationship is scary and intense. I wish you the best and for peace in whatever path you take. This is hard stuff and likely the worst pain I’ll ever go through emotionally.

IMO, you are very young. I already had young kids when I discovered the infidelity. If I didn't have kids, I would have left, there's no doubt in my mind.

It's been so much work to get to where we are. SO. MUCH. WORK. Every conversation regarding his As and terrible FOO feels so heavy, and they happen frequently (though less and less frequently every year). I am happy with where we are now, but the pain will always be there. The knowledge will always be there.

However... there's a very unexpected tradeoff to being on this road.

He is in IC and we are in MC, and we prioritize our marriage in ways we never would have if my H had not been a cheater. He does the work on himself to figure out why he mistreated not only me but everyone close to him and is excited about becoming a better person every day. He's an amazing father now. We don't argue over the little things, and he shows me how grateful he is still be a part of this family. It's something that no one else I know has in their M. While my friends and family complain about their husbands not being helpful or spending too much time with their friends/ on their hobbies or other common issues in marriages that could lead to death by a thousand cuts, I know my H is home and jumps at the chance to be helpful and is constantly--and consciously--trying to make my life with him worthwhile for me.

So it can be worth the fight, if your WS is a candidate for R. If H and I live till 100 and had a few terrible years, followed by a few semi-terrible years, followed by fifty happy and loving years, is that worth it? Most days I say yes, but some days I say no. Because, again, the history, knowledge, and pain, though dulled, will always remain. And I know what he's capable of and will never be blindly certain of the health of our relationship ever again.

Right now, you are considering depriving yourself of the opportunity to create a life with someone who will not have that terrible history with you. And if your WS doesn't heal like he should and you have a baby with him, then you have just signed yourself up for a lifetime of misery. First, babies are hard to raise--it may not be this magical bonding experience you hope it will be and could drive you two further apart. Second, the pain of infidelity is a distant, distant second from the pain of being separated from your child in a D. And even worse? Watching his mistress help raise your child as a "proud bonus mom."

Of course you risk never finding someone else or stumbling into an even worse relationship. Nothing is guaranteed.

But again, you are so young! And there are so many options for having children. My black and white advice will always be this: If you don't have kids, it's healthier to leave. If you do have kids, it's healthier to try.

Choose wisely.

[This message edited by Revenger at 8:49 PM, Saturday, May 4th]

Revenge puts this very eloquently.

I would echo this next quote from that post.

If I didn't have kids, I would have left, there's no doubt in my mind.

I am of the same opinion, BUT, I'd never been with anyone for 12 years without kids, so never having been in your situation I really don't know how I would feel under the circumstances. I was cheated on when I had 4 very young children, with D-Day years later, still with young and adolescent children. Talk about a trip through crazytown, trying to protect the kids, trying not to lose your shit, etc.

Some really honest insights - I appreciate you all taking the time to feedback on this topic and share your thoughts and your own stories. I’m going to reread all of these again and again.

You lose yourself in love (at least I have) and I’m holding on to the fact I love him and that he’s remorseful and trying harder each day. I feel like I have wasted 12 years of my life. I definitely wanted kids but we got together at 18 and I was prioritising getting myself further along career wise and we were doing lots of trips etc together and (I thought) generally happy together. Then Covid hit and that wasn’t a good time to get pregnant imo …. Then when I finally feel I could be ready and that we’re in a good place I find out he’d been with someone else the whole time. We’d been having intimacy issues which I had tried to discuss with him but nothing changed and in hindsight I should have seen the signs and noticed that it was a red flag of the most monumental level.

But to throw away 12 years, although 4 are tainted, I’m really struggling with. I’d always imagined him as the father to my children and it feels disrespectful to anyone else if I meet someone else just to have kids with (although I’m sure I’d fall foolishly in love and be treated like this again!)

Someone else posted an interesting comment if we have another 30 years together and this period is just a blip in our journey then surely it would be worth it 🤷🏼‍♀️

Honestly I’ve never hated my life so much. I have always been a Disney romantic and this has turned me so bitter toward relationships and other people.

I always felt like I was blessed and that I was really lucky in everything from meeting "the one" at such a young age and how wonderful he is, to work and how I’ve been proactive and productive and make a name for myself in the company. Through the trips away being blessed with safety and having the best time every time. To then having the perfect flat and after that the perfect house as well as our lovely little dog. Life was a joy - it wasn’t crazy but I liked my quiet little life. Now I hate it so vehemently I’m not excited for anything anymore. I got sacked from a job last year because I was not able to focus (given the fact my partner had thrown a grenade at me) and now I have fallen into a great job but I’m so disconnected from it and from myself but I don’t want to lose this one!

I’ve heard of trauma journaling where you write your experience for 20 minutes a day for a week and it’s meant to be a way to understand how you feel about it so that will be interesting to do.

I’m just scared to do the wrong thing.

I still love him so at the mo I guess I’m doing nothing. I feel like I want to but I’m not really committing to R, but I also am struggling and can’t leave. I can imagine so clearly two different life paths for me. But one means I’ll be alone and another means I can have the family unit but it also means to do that I’m tolerating being treated like an option and accepting betrayal and deceit.

I know that love is a choice and you have to choose to love your partner/spouse everyday. Through the good and bad. Is this the bad that I should keep actively loving him through? How has everyone else managed it?

[This message edited by LittleRedRobin23 at 3:56 AM, Monday, May 6th]

I had 20 years with my WH before we had kids. I thought that they were good years, but looking back, I can see that I spent a huge amount of time mothering him, making excuses for his behavior, enabling him, and being manipulated into doing things his way all the time.

BUT, here’s what I need you to hear: he cheated when my kids were very little. When he was caught ALMOST 7 YEARS LATER STILL CHEATING AND LYING EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. He explained that it was because I cared about the kids more than him. I didn’t pay enough attention to him. He was jealous OF HIS OWN CHILDREN, and he resented them. He loved them, don’t get me wrong—he just resented me not having enough energy and interest to still put him above everyone else, including them.

So before you think about having kids with someone who is capable of lying to you every single second of 4 years—a full third of your marriage—consider that children solve exactly ZERO problems in a relationship. They are the most wonderful, beautiful additions to your life, and they literally complicate every, single issue that you and your WH have. They can also really bring out the worst in selfish, self-focused people. And almost all waywards are selfish, self-focused people.

I found myself running myself ragged trying to be both a great mom and a pandering wife to a giant man-baby who was angry, resentful, spiteful, and passive aggressive. Please know that this can be exactly where you find yourself if you choose to have children with him. The choice of your children’s father is a forever choice—not just for you, but more importantly FOR THEM.

Thanks to me choosing to have children with someone that I knew had huge issues, my kids will always have a dad that broke their family (which they were very attached to and secure in), a dad who really changed their childhood in very negative ways and continues to have an effect, a dad who betrayed both their mom and them, a dad who set a horrible example of what a man should be and what a father should be, a man who taught them behaviors that they will have to overcome as adults. I could go on. What he never did was work to change, and believe me, a wayward like this needs to completely change who he is if he is ever to become a decent partner and parent. Very, very few have the will and strength to accept the magnitude of who they are and the difficult things they need to face to change.

If you are determined to have children (and if you want to, you should), I would really recommend not staying with him. Not only do children not solve any problems, making our lives better isn’t even part of their "job." Children are innocent, completely dependent little beings who gift us with their presence and also REQUIRE and DESERVE parents who are willing to get their shit together, constantly work to be their best, think about the example they are putting forward, and are ready to put every single selfish impulse aside on their behalf.

Please don’t give your kids a dad who isn’t ready for absolutely ALL of that. Please don’t settle for that for yourself either.

Oh, and I’ll add based on your last post, that I too felt very lucky in my marriage of 20 years. I thought I led a charmed life and also met my WH before I graduated high school. I thought we had grown up together. I was very careful with my education and career, so I too had bagged my dream job. I had waited to have kids until we were settled and stable. I had no thought that he was capable of any of what happened.

But I should have, because none of the things that he did were completely out of character once I really looked at it. He hated cheaters. He talked a lot about being honorable and honest. But I knew that he was a people pleaser, that he lied often to get out of difficult situations, and a host of other things that I regarded as "small flaws" until they allowed him to cheat for years and justify it to himself and blame me in his head.

So I know what a huge crisis it is to think your life is perfect and then deal with the complete loss of all of that security. I know how much you’re probably trying to minimize and move forward without having to accept a total destruction of all of your life and future. I get it.

I’ll just say that I did this too. It kept me from moving forward for a long time. I had 2 small kids too, and I didn’t want to accept that he had taken it all from them too.

But he had. There was no mental gymnastic that i could do to change that. He had done it secretly without my consent or permission or knowledge. It was completely devastating and having kids meant that I was horribly devastated on their behalf even more than my own.

Give yourself some time. Get some strong IC. Don’t try to run from the reality of what he’s done or try to convince yourself that you can look past it. Gently, right now all of the things you’re saying (I don’t want to throw away 12 years. I still really love him. I don’t want to give up the dream if it’s still possible.) are you trying to rug sweep a little. It’s natural. Your brain is trying to protect you from what he’s done and recover the life that you loved. That life really is gone. I’m so sorry to say that. I know how horrible it is. But most of that thinking will delay really dealing with the trauma you’ve experiences and with your recovery. There is no way forward except through.

Sending you hugs of support and strength.

Please listen to what Now What 106 is saying. I fear you are trying very hard to convince yourself that all will be well if you just stick it out (rug sweep). I’m thinking you will really regret this in the future if you do.

I know this is hard and change is hard. I’m sending a big hug. ❤️

Full disclosure, I chose D.

But to throw away 12 years, although 4 are tainted, I’m really struggling with.

You might want to look atcsomething called sunk cost fallacy. You're attributing a value to your past years, when they are effectively worth zero. The value in now and moving forward. The past can inform your decision in terms of probable behaviour going forward.

I chosexto D because in the totality of my 27vyears together, my WW wasn't a good person. I know it's a blunt term, but she really was like an adolescent in her thinking and behaviour.

I came to a place where I finally understood that the next 20 years would largely mirror the last 27, so I made the decision to put myself first.

If you are going to put vslu3 on the last 12 years, then look at the totality of them, all of his actions s, all of his words, all of his thinking. And do it objectively.

Flowers are easy. Anyone can stop by a grocery store on the way home.

The hardest part is being able to trust yourself and your judgement in people. He’s a good guy really, underneath it all (or so I thought I guess).

I think I’m holding on to that good guy I knew.

Like a previous comment said, the only way out is through. I’m definitely rug sweeping a little - probably self preservation and not willing to accept the reality. I’m going to IC help me work through it and actually acknowledge what he’s done.

I feel embarrassed at myself for thinking "oh but he loves me, he says he won’t do it again, the OW was manipulating him and he couldn’t end it, he’s fully committed to me now"

But from seeing a lot of stories on SI,
It seems that so many people have R which shows it is not just possible but a fairly common choice to R.

So to decide it’s not worth the self disrespect by staying and to leave, I feel like we would be a failure and I have not given us a proper chance so I’m feeling bad for him as well!!

Too much empathy for my own good.

As Cardi B says ‘so loyal I betray myself’

Thanks for all your comments and sorry I’m like a broken record. Hopefully I will get there. Lots of people have said you will know what to do or you will leave when you’re ready so I’m waiting for the knowing to present itself.

I’m just scared to do the wrong thing.

There's no way to know what path is best for you. The best you - or any of us - can do is make the best guess about the future we can. Making decisions essentially requires putting the fear aside. The sooner you do this, the better for both of you.

The fear probably won't go away until you're well into the solution. You just put it aside and tell yourself, 'You can do difficult things even when you're scared.'

*****

I still love him so

Love is simply not enough.

I feel like I want to but I’m not really committing to R, but I also am struggling and can’t leave. I can imagine so clearly two different life paths for me. But one means I’ll be alone and another means I can have the family unit but it also means to do that I’m tolerating being treated like an option and accepting betrayal and deceit.

You best bet y far is to accept being betrayed and deceived. It's part f your life now. You can't change the past. You can change how you use the past.

You don't have to commit tp R before starting on an R path. Shirley Glass refers to a stage of 'working on the M' for couples who are undecided. That means you work on yourself; your WS works on himself; together you work on your M.

I know that love is a choice and you have to choose to love your partner/spouse everyday.

Yeah. The thing is: it's best to stay out of a primary relationship with someone who doesn't love you the way you want to be loved.

Also - this is crucially important - you can love someone but not be tied to that person. I loved my W up to, through, and after her A - but I'd rather be alone than be with the person she was. If she hadn't shown strong evidence that she was changing after d-day, I think I'd have left, even while loving her.

Disney distorts life. Remember: the little mermaid almost destroyed a civilization because of her hormones. She's a villain, not a hero.

Through the good and bad. Is this the bad that I should keep actively loving him through? How has everyone else managed it?

That's a big part of why I gave my W a chance. She just seemed sick at heart on d-day. I could not bring myself to dump her while she was ill.

But but but.

She came clean on d-day. She took responsibility for her A. She took confrontation after confrontation from our MC, and used that to change the way she approaches life.

I feel embarrassed at myself for thinking "oh but he loves me, he says he won’t do it again, the OW was manipulating him and he couldn’t end it, he’s fully committed to me now"

No need for embarrassment.

I'll say this. My W's ap definitely manipulated her. I won't go into how I know that, but I do. My W never used being manipulated as any sort of excuse, reason, explanation, whatever. Beginning on d-day, she never dodged the fact that she could have said 'no' at any time. If your H is using being manipulated as cover, that's a red flag.

Your H conducted an A for 4 years because all things considered, he thought that was his best course of action.

Now, I (and probably every other BS) believe your H's thinking and feeling is somewhat fucked up. R requires him to change his thinking and feeling. The formula I generally use is: to R, the WS has to change from cheater to good partner.

Telling you he won't cheat again is bullshit. Right now your WS knows he's got a problem because he cheated. That knowledge will fade into the background as time goes on. What will happen the next time he feels unloved?

What is your WS doing to make the necessary changes? What responsibility has he taken? Has he committed to no more lies, ever?

Without change, your WS is a poor bet for R, as is virtually every WS who doesn't change from cheater to good partner.

*****

I know you're in deep pain. I know you want a quick way through the pain. Forcing yourself to make one choice or another will not help.

You're not making a 30 year decision. You're making a 46 year decision. Life expectancy for a 30 year old male in 2020 was almost 46 years; for a female, it's almost 51 years.

You want a good decision. If that takes longer than you'd like it to take, so be it. Stop. Breathe. Don't rush.

Dig deep to find out whether you want to spend another 46 years with this guy the way he is now or not? Figure out what you want from your M after any kids leave. Figure out your requirements for R. Is your current partner a good candidate for long-term R?

Thank you, Sisson.

That’s what my therapist says, you’re not in a rush you’re still living your life. Doing more meditative things to get out of my head and feel what’s in my body.

He’s super transparent and seems remorseful of his actions and wishes he didn’t do it. He’s also super patient with me while I work through this indecision. But I’m struggling the fact I don’t feel the same intimacy toward him anymore I don’t know if that’s normal during R and if people get that back to go on and have happy lives together again?

I felt very close to him in the early months which based on how I feel now, I now believe was actually probably a trauma bond.

How did your partners act when you weren’t feeling loving toward them? Did they pull back or did they try and give extra attention/affection to make sure you felt loved and safe?

Also how did you all ‘own’ your choice to stay and R? Think I’m struggling with dealing with the shame although it’s probably more from myself than coming from others and most people I know are being supportive of whatever choice I make.

I’m also feeling so unmotivated with everything constantly tired so I feel like I’m not actually to work on myself and getting better for me, let alone for us to successfully R. Maybe I need to go on anti depressants for a while.