SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sex with my wife itself is a huge trigger for me. I'm absolutely disgusted by the act of inserting myself into her now (sorry to be so graphic), though I have to hide it, and all I can think about is how she cheated on me, and how someone else was doing this, during the entire act. I can't think about anything else.

Has anyone had this experience, and has anyone not been able to make it go away, even after years? Has it gone away for anyone? I unfortunately have OCD in terms of ruminating negative or anxious thoughts, as it is.

[This message edited by Anon7473678848 at 5:25 PM, Thursday, May 23rd]

There have been a number of BSs that have stated on these forums feeling repulsed or creeped out by their WSs touch.

My story is a bit convoluted, but for the purpose of your question, for years I was repulsed physically with the idea of touching my WW. I thought her gross and I simply did not feel attracted to her physically or emotionally.

It only started to change for me when I started seeing WW as whole heartedly "mine". That took years. Too many years...and that was my fault for just being stuck.

I think it helped knowing that she had been with other people before me. If I had been her first, perhaps I would never have been able to get over the idea of her being with someone else.

As strange as it sounds, the realization that there was nothing really special about our connection to begin with helped reestablish a new connection. I'm sure my WW felt a strong "connection" with every dude before me, so why was our connection any different? Just circumstances that could have gone one way or another in life? She chose each of them just like she chose me. And if I moved on, I would choose someone else just like I chose her.

In the end, I think I detached from WW and found I could have moved on to something else if I wanted to. It became like a clean slate and from there we grew together again.

Not sure if that helps. But it was my process.

Female BS here so maybe my experience is different. But I'll share in hopes some of it may help.

I was paralyzed by mind movies. And silently screaming inside. And crying and...you get it I am sure.

During those intimate times - when those mind movies rear their ugly head - I literally F*** them right out of my mind. I make sure I f*** them right out and that it is gOOd for me. The more they try to break through - the more I dial it up to 11. And make sure I enjOy it.

If I silently weep after WH falls asleep, so be it. I'd be lying if I said that didn't happen. BUT I make sure the sex is gOOd for me.

Now...what I have described above is a way to reclaim SEX. I have not discussed making love. That is a totally different discussion.

ETA - I didn't realize this affair was still (or potentially still) ongoing. In that case my answer changes.

I'm sure she doesn't want to leave you. She has the best of both worlds that way. And moving - that won't stop things. Affairs can be long distance.

[This message edited by Chaos at 2:39 PM, Friday, May 24th]

As long as she still having an affair, yeah, it’s going to be difficult at best. And she is still having an affair. Here man, I’m going to be extremely crude but it’s to hopefully have you see the light.
You are very likely having sex with her, after she had sex with AP. I’ll ask an informal poll of every BS here who had that happen at least once l…and yes I mean on the same day. Happend to me.
More than I’d ever like to admit.

You should stop having sex with her. You’re risking your health. Who knows if AP has an std or not, and clearly she doesn’t care about it if you get one. A lot of STIs don’t even show symptoms especially in men.

I know you want help and support, and everyone here has been through this, but as long as you continue on without confrontation, without standing up for yourself, you will never escape and be miserable.

No one here can help you if you don’t help yourself, many have given you solid advice. It’s your life and journey, trust me when I say vast majority of people here know how to escape infidelity and make a decision. You will get support if R or D, but very few will support decisions that don’t lead you out of the hell of an affair, and if you don’t take any action for yourself.

all I can think about is how she cheated on me

Don't you mean, how she is currently cheating on you? Based on your other threads, she still is, right?

I think it helped knowing that she had been with other people before me. If I had been her first, perhaps I would never have been able to get over the idea of her being with someone else.

That is exactly why this is so hard, because I was her first.

Don't you mean, how she is currently cheating on you? Based on your other threads, she still is, right?

Yes, but the situation is much more complicated than I was able to describe in my post, and it happens during work trips. I did go right up to the line in terms of accusing her in the last week, twice, but I don't want to show all my cards for a number of reasons. I do now know that she loves me and doesn't want to leave me, which is a different place than where she was 8 months ago. We are moving in a month and I'm trying to wrap my head around things, and anticipate and plan for the future.

Unfortunately, there are a number of complicators which have led me to decide not to take the straightforward, suggested (I'm sure ideal) path. I don't want to win a battle to lose a war. I'm trying to do the best with my situation as it stands. It's possible that I may come to regret it, but I'm doing my best at the moment, and I don't want to do anything without a plan.

So I am 9 months out and been lucky in that I haven’t been turned off by sex with my WH for the majority of time (occasional times yes and I would stop the act - even right in the middle of it 😂). But there was something about doing it and enjoying it that made me feel weird.

I had an IC session the other day though and has helped me realise something. I have sex now for my pleasure and my pleasure only. It is purely physical and I don’t have the emotional attachment I used to (sometimes I think I’m completely heartless 😂).

I told WH that for the moment we can still have sec but he needs to understand it is just physical for me. Hopefully one day I will feel that emotional attachment I used to have.

Love is cheating on you? I’d hate to see how she treats you when she hates you. She is abusing you. Cheating is very much emotional abuse.

She loves you but is cheating on you.

No, it’s not complicated. I’m not saying this to be mean, your story isn’t complicated. Again,

Every BS here has experienced what you’re going through in one way or another.

What I can almost guarantee is that you will absolutely regret moving and buying a new home or rental or whatever with a cheating spouse.

[This message edited by HellIsNotHalfFull at 5:38 AM, Friday, May 24th]

I don't want to win a battle to lose a war.

What does that mean in real terms to you?

I believe that BSes on SI who are thriving see 'winning the war' as 'making the right decision for me'. The successful BSes know that a WS can't be niced back into the M. We know that R is unlikely to be successful if a WS is manipulated into R. we know R is unlikely to be successful if the WS is cornered into R.

Do you want your W do come back because she needs you? Would you not rather have a W who wants you?

Your W has broken your M. She continues to break it by continuing her A. Distance is irrelevant.

What is your gut telling you? Are you stifling yourself because you're letting fear control you? That's certainly within the range of normality. Inside you, though, is a kernel of courage that's much stronger than you realize.

Courage, Anon, courage.

And if fear isn't the obstacle, what is?

I think Sisoon asks excellent questions here, and HINHF is spot on that nothing about your story sound unique or all that complicated compared to other infidelity stories. I think it would do you an amazing amount of good to take the time to put your complex thoughts into writing here. I remember doing that exercise with how I thought my wife AP had tricked her into an affair and in doing so I saw how silly I was being to believe that, it just withered by me stating it clearly to myself. And then feedback from others really helped kill it.
You started here asking for someone to talk. We like to write. Write it out, listen to yourself, and then if you want to, listen to us who have seen and heard just about everything collectively.

I will be the odd man out out here so to speak.

I don’t get triggered and haven’t been triggered by sex with my WH since dday. It is the only time my mind is free and I don’t think about what he did… we have always connected so well sexually and it hasn’t changed.

It also helps that we usually have sex in the dark because we have four kids. The times we have had sex with the lights on looking him in the eyes was a little hard but it didn’t make me fall apart.

In my case seeing him sit on the couch with no shirt on or when he gets out of the shower will trigger me because I see all of the places she touched , then in my eyes he looks tainted, he looks dirty and I want to rip his skin off.

I’m 7 months out and I still get disgusted a lot. His lips , his fingers, and his eyes tend to be a big trigger for me, weird I know but his eyes saw her and it bothers me. I’m looking in the same eyes that looked at her with such lust and desire. His fingers touched her and his lips kissed her

I am not shy about telling my H any of it and it helps to hear him say he understands and he’s even offered to wear shirts around the house if it would help me

(Bring on the turtle neck sweaters and ski mask while we are at it, maybe even some gloves?)

Have you talked to your W about it?

I think stuff like this only gets better with time and our WS showing remorse, unfortunately.

I don’t think it can be rushed.

Someone very kind here let me know that they googled how long it took to shed skin and it was a month. I told my H about it and he didn’t think any of it was weird which MASSIVELY helped. When she can sit with you and find ways to help you heal through it , I think you’ll see a bit of improvement. Trauma is real, our brains are trying to keep us safe and if you need to pause sex or do something different to make it not so l painful then I think you should voice that to her. My H originally offered to wear a mask if it helped , a bit extreme but he offered because I told him his face was triggering… he got it , he never questioned that, he asked what I NEEDED. Did he need to stay at his moms , or throw away clothes?

I originally felt so dumb for being able to have sex with no issues but yet be bothered by no shirt on…. We all have our own triggers and I think talking about them and working through them together is the first step, don’t suffer in silence.

I did read the other posts that she’s still active in the A but I’ll keep my post to you because we all have decisions to make and if you choose to stay at least you have my opinion… wishing you the best.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 4:46 AM, Saturday, May 25th]

Your situation really isn't very complicated. She's cheating on you. Yes, life is happening and there are complex relationship issues but the fact is she is having sex with someone who isn't you.

You need to 180, no sex and figure out what you want. If you want R you need to confront and be ready to lose your relationship with her. I say relationship because your marriage is already gone.

Anything else you're just going to suffer and nothing will ever improve. Prepare what you need to confront and listen to your feelings of disgust and repulsion. Your own body is telling you what everyone else is. Worry about sex later.

My date of discovery was back in early 2007. R took some time and truth be known it has not been reached completely yet. 17 , going on 18 years was accomplished due to her wanting to stay with me but mostly, due to myself not wanting to D and later find someone else raising MY kids.
I still don't believe I have the entire truth and yes, that is part of it.

I had gone through years of no sex with my WS, it simply didn't 'feel' right. Every time I allowed my self to let her close to me she would find a way to cause unrest between us after the closeness. It sucks to be married and single w/no sex life at the same time.

It is understandable why you feel as you do and many have been able to put the past to rest but please don't beat yourself up if you cannot.
Sorry if it didn't help but that's the best I can offer.

Your situation really isn't very complicated. She's cheating on you.

If she's still cheating on you there shouldn't be sex at all.

Some people can get past the disgust and others cannot. It is the body's primal response to cheating according to the book "Cheating in a Nutshell." My disgust and complete repulsion for my xWS never went away. It is one of many reasons I decided to leave.

I don’t think I’ve seen a BS that didn’t have a successful future when they threw the evidence at their WS and also threw divorce papers at them and demanded they make a decision.
It’s always been the wafflers, the undecideds, and the goal post movers that got the short end of the stick.
There’s probably nothing really complicated about your situation that hasn’t happened here before. It just seems like that to you from your perspective since your sample size right now is 1.

Strength anon, strength. Find it and use it.

I'm 6 months post Dday. WH disclosed multiple affairs over 26 years together. Immediately after disclosure I became hypersexual with him (I think it was the equivalent of me peeing on his leg - marking my territory). Recently, each and every time we are intimate, I cannot stop myself from thinking about all of those women. Does he now like this new oral technique because of AP4? Asking me to do an unfamiliar position because of AP2? Does he keep trying to play with my butt (something he knows I do not like) because of AP3? And the very unwelcome "was AP1/ AP2/ AP3 /AP4 better" at this that or the other in the sack? Is he thinking about (any of) them while I am with him intimately? Pretending I am any one of them? Someone new? Is he here with me?

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Good F'ing Gawd, I really hope this does not last forever.

Anon. Im really sorry you are here but I fully emphasize with your post.

I was never 100% sure what was really going on in my mind and body from a mental, emotional, physiological perspective but I do know that after my wife’s affair I was dealt a ‘trifecta’ of disorders. For the first number of months I suffered from ED, which around month 4 improved some of the time (maybe 10%) but when this occurred I suffered from terrible premature ejaculation (which still occurs today although the ED is much improved). All this time however, I knew i was aware my issues were entirely in my head because, as puzzling it was to me, my libido doubled or even tripled. My only outlet was (sorry TMI?) solo attention, which was an embarrassing and confusing paradox for me and impossible to hide from my wife. She was very sympathetic but was equally confused especially when I had full blown ED and yet she knew I no issue when we weren’t trying to be intimate.

Good luck.

She was very sympathetic but was equally confused especially when I had full blown ED and yet she knew I no issue when we weren’t trying to be intimate.

She cheated on you and is now upset your sex life has been impacted? Really?

She cheated on you and is now upset your sex life has been impacted? Really?

It makes sense. ED is a physical sign of the pain the infidelity caused her husband. It is hard to sweep that under the rug. And ED is more common than you think after infidelity, at least according to my IC.

From Brene Brown: "I like what you had to say…but my wife and daughters? They’d rather see me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall off. You say you want us to be vulnerable and real, but c’mon. You can’t stand it. It makes you sick to see us like that."

ED makes them see that men are affected both mentally and physically by betrayal. Most women, if they admit it, do not want to see any weakness from their spouse. In addition, from my experience, they have fooled themselves to think what they did in the A did not matter, and try to compartmentalize the sex with the AP. ED in their otherwise healthy husband blows that apart. They have to face the destruction they have caused. I think most waywards are not able to face that, especially in the first part of R.

Sorry for the thread jack...

Wounded Bear, I really appreciate your post.

It took me a long time to accept my wife’s affair (if ever) and the difficulties I suffered only exacerbated this. We have reconciled so Im sure I harbour a bias for wanting to always see my wife’s actions in the most favorable light. Our marriage still has its difficulties many of which are directly linked to her affair and manifest themselves in our intimate life. Obviously no relationship is prefect and for us this one area that we continue to seek to improve.