SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For those of you who reconciled how many times did you go back and forth thinking that this could be a deal breaker? Every few weeks I think , this is it. Theres nothing he can do to make this right.

I am the breadwinner, I supported his bands, his dreams, his effed up childhood.

He watched me bring four of HIS freaking kids into this world and still thought it was a good idea to sleep with some nasty trashy, broke ass, no hair loser?

I would love to hear YOUR stories. Your struggles.

The zoo effed me up.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 11:43 PM, Sunday, June 2nd]

Affairs are dealbreakers. Some people can work through it, a lot can’t. Doesn’t matter how remorseful the cheater is. R is a shot in the dark, a gift given to the cheater. Your WH doesn’t deserve his marriage, that you are allowing him a chance is a gift.

After an A, the BS can pull the plug anytime. Especially in the first few years.

There is nothing he can do, ever, to make it right. Only you can heal yourself and decide if you want to try again.

I highly recommend you to stop comparing yourself to others who have failed or succeed at R. Some have had the most remorseful WS and still left because it’s a dealbreaker. Some have accepted that their spouse is and always will be a cheat and are ok with it.

It’s up to you and only you. If you can
And want to make it work you will, if it’s not then be honest with yourself.

Cheating is a dealbreaker, always. No matter the circumstance.

I think affairs are dealbreakers for 99% of people here…

I do know that my story and my healing is in me 100% and yes , I know I can pull the plug anytime I wamt. My husband doesn’t deserve me or his family and I make that clear every day. I just sometimes like to hear other people amd their stories. I do not compare my life to theirs.

I appreciate the hard but honest advice, I really do.

I’m only 7 months in so I may "have to be honest with myself and realize I can’t do this". But I’m trying really freaking hard for the sake of myself and my four children.

I’m not here or there yet.

Maybe I’m asking too much on this forum, it’s just all I have at the moment.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 2:16 AM, Monday, June 3rd]

No, you’re not. I understand. When I was 7-10
Months out I was desperately looking at every successful R story in hopes that it would be mine. I don’t mean to come off as harsh, it’s just what I have learned is that you can’t compare yourself to everyone else. Either succeeding or failure.

People can recover and be happy absolutely. What I was really trying to say is heal yourself, focus on you and let the chips fall where they may. It’s taken me 2 years to get there, but if i hadn’t had good people show me consistently I never would have.

I know how bad it hurts, especially as the bread winner of large family. I’ve got 5 and I’m the only income, I understand that sting particular after I supported my WW through so much.

It will be ok, you will get through this

Don’t apologize for being harsh. The only person that should be apologizing is my H. Thank you for your honesty.

Maybe I just look for a light in the dark but you’re right, my healing comes first but man it freaking blows monkey b****.

This rollercoaster … it’s hell.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 2:26 AM, Monday, June 3rd]

I think this is a natural part of the process. My husband asked me for a divorce 10 months out.
When I found out what he had done for a long time it was hard to find hope or a reason to keep doing it.

It’s grief, and it would be hard not to feel the death of the life you thought you would be living. I think you will know when or if you are done. But I think most people who have been through this would say absolutely yes to your question.

It’s healthy in many ways because it helps you not stay focused on any one outcome. It’s being honest with yourself, and becoming comfortable with the idea you are going to be okay no matter what happens. When we release the need for things to look or be a certain way, we can start adapting and focusing on what we need.

When you face your real fear, which is that life as it was is over. Your marriage is no longer feeling invincible. You are on the precipice of rebuilding what you want more of in your life. It might still include him but it’s okay to think about if it doesn’t. It’s okay to build that out in your mind. It’s normal and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. It’s actually you feeling the options and when you do that without judgment in yourself the answers will begin to appear.

I think you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself. That’s normal too. You want to be out of pain. And you want to feel secure and safe in how you feel and in your life in general.

Keep allowing these things to come in and be good to yourself. You can pull the plug any time you want. Give yourself space and air and don’t put pressure to decide anything. All you need is strength for today, worry about tomorrow when it gets here.

It was most definitely a dealbreaker to me in the early months. So for at least a year some days I would just daydream about when I would leave, how I would leave, where I would go. Those plans would come to the forefront every time the magnitude of what had happened hit me. I could not negotiate through those moments any other way. The only consolation to me seemed to be telling myself "don’t worry, you’ll probably leave, just a matter of time…" But then the those waves would subside and for a while I would think maybe I’ll stay, and then graduated to "I’ll probably stay…"

After a year and a half or so all of the the thoughts that I would leave because he cheated were mostly gone. The fact of the whole big thing was not a dealbreaker. Then the dealbreaker became specific questions…. like "…if you told her she was beautiful we can’t be together…", "if you didn’t feel guilt after every time we won’t be able to be together…", "…if you don’t hate her down to your core we can’t be together…", "…if you didn’t find me more attractive even during the cheating we can’t be together…". There were a million variations on this theme and it made him in constant terror. I see the real post-traumatic effects of this on my husband today. He was once very resilient and optimistic. Now he is almost as broken as me. Part of me wishes I didn’t put him through that, if only for his health, but I don’t know that it could have been different. I really believed all those statements at the time. I was vaguely aware of the maxim DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU THINK but in the moment I still couldn’t get out of my own way. I found these ideas too terrifying. Maybe some of it was my pride, I’m not really sure. But now many of those ideas are not as scary anymore. Actually they’re still pretty scary but maybe they’re just not dealbreakers anymore.

For me these ideas are triggers. I find these types of triggers more difficult than the triggers like a particular location or date. But I don’t think of them much anymore.

It is all still quite hard at times. But those times are much less frequent.

I’m sorry you have to go through it. The feelings are intense. You end up in a blind rage and all you can do is ride it out.

Best to you

It definitely WAS a dealbreaker - for the M we had. There was no going back to what I thought we had, and now I don't want to. We had to build something new. I knew 100% that I couldn't live with the man I'd been married to for all those years. He was a liar and a cheat. It was fair to say that I would NEVER stay with someone who could do that to me again. He had to put in a lot of work on himself before I felt comfortable saying we had a shot at this. I did a lot of work on myself too. It just happened as part of my healing and is still happening.

Be patient with yourself. When people say it's a 3 to 5-year healing timeframe, they're pretty spot on. Also, I'd start counting from the last disclosure. He wasn't really doing the work while he was still hiding things. I think deep down I knew during that time that there was another explosion coming. After that, I went back and forth for quite a while thinking it just couldn't work. Then I started to see the real changes happening in him.

So here we are, 9 years out from 1st discovery and the day my world first blew up, and 5.5 years from the last of the TT... we're in a good place, reconciled and still doing the work to have a healthy M.

Wishing you the best,
Peace

And yet again Groot another post I totally feel and understand. For most of this time since D-Day the thoughts of my WH affair was definitely a deal breaker. I can’t remember how many times I have told him ‘I don’t care if you are the most perfect husband until now and till we die, you still fucked a 23 year old slut and I just can’t get over that’.

I told myself that I will give it a year until after D-Day and if the pain is still as bad I will call it quits. But it hasn’t been a year yet and whilst it still hurts I can see improvement in this area. But I do agree with Hells in that I think I have worked on my healing. Worked on my worth and have realised he has more to lose than me (and to be honest he is now also fully aware). I have mapped out what life looks without him and I will be fine, albeit different.

As I shared the other day in one of my other posts I went to IC to sort out some of these thoughts out as well and it honestly helps so much. I’m concentrating on being friends first and not pushing anything ‘romantic’ unless it feels natural and ‘not fixing the marriage’. Day by day is my motto 😉

I wouldn't say I'm fully reconciled yet, but at 18 months post DDay I'd say that I know longer go back and forth in my mind so much.

At around the year mark, I was pretty convinced we were going to separate and we started to talk about how we would go about that. Having a plan for the separation was useful for me and helped me to see that staying really is my choice, and that I can change my mind at any time. I also started seeing a new IC around that time to help me get some clarity and try to work out what I really want. It's been really helpful and I've let go of a lot of the anger. I don't think about the affair all the time any more. I'd even say that the affair isn't actually the biggest threat to our marriage anymore - it's all the stuff the affair exposed that'd end up being the ultimate deal-breaker for me now (the stuff that led him to have the affair in the first place).

I just wanted to say that you're not alone. You're also really early in the process - expect to ride this rollercoaster a little longer. And if you're not already in IC, I'd really recommend finding someone you click with. I am on my third IC since DDay, and it's only now that I realise the power of the process.

I resonate with this post so much and like you I really appreciate hearing other people’s stories as for me it makes me feel less alone and that how you feel or what you’re going through is normal and common in these circumstances. So much of infidelity is not spoken about so it feels really isolating. There’s a podcast I’ve started listening to called ‘I am the wife’ which is great, as well as another one called’ motherhood not as we planned’. I love that these resources, including this SI community, are available as they remind me we’re human and these experiences are real, and how we feel is so valid and that each journey is unique so it just opens my eyes to different perspectives.

After a friend of my partners (they tell you about the company we keep aye..) was caught out cheating one time, I had said I could forgive a one time mistake that was owned up to straight away, but something long term would be a deal breaker as there is significant lying and deception involved and it was then a choice to continue to have a form of relationship. However here I am, now 1 year post d-day after my partner betrayed me for 4 years and I’m still living in limbo and having these exact thoughts as you.

Luckily we don’t have children which must make your decision a million times harder so I can really sympathise, but we have been together 12 years and I think for me I’m holding on to that history we have and and the idea that you’re meant to find one person and make it work, as well as our underlying friendship. However as time is going on and perhaps my healing journey (whilst slow) is making me realise that what I’m holding onto is idealisation and not reality. Holding on to what we were, what I hoped we would be and that we can be different but these scars are forever and when I take the rose tinted glasses off he looks like a different person to me now. It’s so subtle I can’t always even notice but it’s there. I’ve also got the ick now and don’t want to even hold his hand let alone be intimate (although we went through a phase of this early on which I now realise was likely trauma bonding). I’m hoping this might be something that can be worked through as I always saw my future with him but I’m not sure I want to try.

Whilst yes at the moment I’m still here, I’m feeling really independent and emotionally disconnected from him and more and more of my thoughts lean toward leaving or at least trialling a separation. I feel like I will be more sad to be apart from him then as sad as I am together right now together. But like you, my thoughts spiral and like a seesaw I’m back and forth between thinking it’s a good idea to rebuild the relationship together, and wanting to be free of someone who thinks so little of themselves and me.

Some say that it’s easier to leave, it’s so much harder to stay and do the work, others say it’s easier to stay with what you know and its comfortable, it’s much harder then to leave. But actually through living this, I have realised none of the options are easy at all. It’s all hard and we have to choose which hard we want to endure. We have to decide what will benefit us the most long term, bring us the most fulfilment and bring us the most happiness.

Writing exercises are really interesting and can help understand how we feel on things. Give that a try. You could write your story with different endings and as you’re writing see which end you’re feeling yourself root for or gravitate to the most.

Keep posting, sharing is caring and we can all help each other through our healing journeys. You are not alone. You are strong and you are brave whatever route you want to go.

You have already received great advice.
My only comment is to please give yourself some grace. Yeah there are still triggers and your healing is not linear. It has peaks and valleys. So when you get hot hard with one of those valleys do a few things.
1. Be kind to yourself. Do something just for you be is something as simples as a long bath, or a walk with your favorite tunes in your headphones.
2. Stop and breathe. When you have a trigger ask yourself what it is that caused the trigger. Is there anything your spouse is doing that caused that trigger or is it just the situation, if it's the situation then change it if you can. If it's your spouse then have a conversation about it when you aren't actively triggering.
3. Be kind to yourself. This is a major trauma and will be part of what makes you you in the future. The wound will heal and it will become a scar, and that scar will fade but everything you do to heal it and allow it fade makes you a stronger wiser woman. So please stop beating yourself up when the shit hits the fan.

I appreciate everyones responses, seems we all feel very similar.
Today is H birthday so I am trying my best to put the phone down and let him have his day even if his affair spanned over almost all of our bdays.
He chose a new restaraunt we've never been to for his bday and we are taking his bike there which is slowly becoming less of a trigger for me.
Last night was just rough because I ripped him up an down and I just keep saying the same things every time I spiral, I get tired of hearing myself because nothing helps.
He will sit there and take it and he will apologize through and through and nothing helps.

I need to work on my healing more, I have started to write a lot, I have always loved it so I will put my effort there more.

He has been the model H since the last round of TT in January and I don't recognize the man I married anymore, in a good way but also in a bad way. What a lot of you have said finally resonates with me... NOTHING he can or will do will ever be enough. I have to heal my way through it or out of it. I just hate that he even gave the gosh damn option!

He woke up yesterday crying because he had a nightmare about his time with her and it ruined his day for the most part, I have them the other nights so together we are just broken. As time goes on I see him struggling to deal with what he did to us and it helps A LITTLE but it hasn't ever made me feel like "Oh I am staying because I know he loves me". NO, I still have those thoughts of leaving even on the good days because what he did was incredibly deceiving and hurtful to the people he was supposed to love the most.

I feel like when I focus on myself and my healing ... if I get stronger alone will that make me want to leave more? I am not sure if that makes sense but healing can be scary too.

I feel like when I focus on myself and my healing ... if I get stronger alone will that make me want to leave more? I am not sure if that makes sense but healing can be scary too.

It does. It’s what I said you really logically want to R but your heart needs time. You becoming honest and being able to see all paths as healthy and being able to embrace you really can divorce of you want to will allow you to let go of the outcome and stop putting pressure on yourself to decide. That’s a process, and you are early in that process.

You are allowed to think about it, harden your heart, and do all the things. It will come out in the wash later under the heading "Groot has made peace with her decision" no matter what that decision is. You have to try on the hats and don’t put pressure on yourself to heal faster or choose the marriage or any of those things. You are slowly learning to choose you. And that’s a big part of healing.

I feel like when I focus on myself and my healing ... if I get stronger alone will that make me want to leave more? I am not sure if that makes sense but healing can be scary too.

It took a LONG time for me to truly face the possibility of divorce, and you have described something deep here that was almost certainly at play for me. It was scary to heal because I knew it might mean my unhealthy need for her might go away. I might learn that I was ok without her, or even more that I didn’t want her anymore. What a mindfuck.

Edit to add: But when you state this as the opposite, that you might choose to stay in a traumatized state for the purpose of remaining too afraid to leave the one who traumatized you, it becomes very clear what the right path is.

In my case, she broke me down with lies, cover ups, defensiveness, and continued disloyalty. But each of us are different, you have to live it yourself. I learned that I was in mad denial for a long time (thanks again, emergent) and the rewiring of my brain to truly accept my new reality took way longer than I wanted it to. Give yourself time, don’t judge that process, it would be like wanting your broken bone to heal faster. It just doesn’t, it’s not in your control. Be kind to yourself and trust yourself. You will get thru it.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 6:43 PM, Monday, June 3rd]

One thing I found that helped a lot was to tell my W that I was furious that she cheated, that she betrayed me, that she lied, etc., etc., etc. IOW, instead of attacking her, I said, 'I'm angry that you did _____!' My tone of voice and total affect was congruent. These were no intellectual statements. They were exclamations of raw feelings. It also worked, with some alterations when I was sad or scared.

I feel like when I focus on myself and my healing ... if I get stronger alone will that make me want to leave more? I am not sure if that makes sense but healing can be scary too.

Makes perfect sense to me, too. I knew that healing ourselves might result in D, but at least that would come from honestly assessing ourselves and what our relationship was going to be and deciding it wasn't what one of us wanted. That would allow us to leave without recrimination.

It really is best to give up trying to control the outcome. One way to reword 'heal' here is to say 'become authentic'. If you become authentic, you survive, thrive, and open yourself up to good relationships. You might not get the relationship you want, but by opening yourself up, IMO, you dramatically improve your odds.

Yes, thank you all for replying...

The healing me part is the scariest for obv reasons...

I know there is a large percentage of me that will realize that I loved him for the wrong reasons, or that after what he did , I just don't want to be with him.
It is a new realization that is very hard for me to face but he did it.

The more I start to heal and the more we talk the more I realize, I didn't like him all that much during our M. I don't think I liked him at all. I liked the idea of love, I think I almost liked the drama, the chase? I told all of this to him and it made sense for both of us.

I will never say I deserved the A , I did nothing to deserve that but I CAN SEE where and how our M fell apart and I see very clearly neither of us liked the other, mostly communication issues, pride, different goals, different values, etc.

He had an A and it brought to light so many more things that were wrong in our M. It amazes me how thick those rose colored glasses can be...

I don't think our M was ever good before, I think we loved each other at one point and will always but we grew apart and he has always been a selfish person with FOO issues and now I have my FOO Issues, There is so much work to be done that it is hard to see an end in sight.
I think healing may be the hardest thing for me yet...

Thank you all for listening to me, it means a lot!

The more I start to heal and the more we talk the more I realize, I didn't like him all that much during our M. I don't think I liked him at all. I liked the idea of love, I think I almost liked the drama, the chase? I told all of this to him and it made sense for both of us.

I will never say I deserved the A , I did nothing to deserve that but I CAN SEE where and how our M fell apart and I see very clearly neither of us liked the other, mostly communication issues, pride, different goals, different values, etc.

I can relate to the above. This was my peeling back of the onion so to speak. At some point in the M (before the A's) I had built up so much resentment towards him, part just being his narcissistic personality and part things he had done that are probably on a similar level to cheating. I also was never attracted to him the way I should have been. We got along well until we didn't. Then insert the A's and it all came crumbling down.

Crazyblind

Yes! The resentment I Carried over the years for him .. there is so much. It’s my fault for allowing myself to be a doormat and the kids to come second and I’ll be damned if we ever do again.
It’s amazing how much I realize now we were treated wrong…
I "joke" sometimes with my husband telling him how if he didn’t f*** some nasty no haired fake blonde b**** in the woods he probably would be still taking advantage of me and the kids. Sucks to suck huh? Dick.

The healing process is HARD! And it takes such a long time. And you cannot hurry it along.

For the betrayed it is the hardest thing to do. Because you now analyze the past and see things very differently. The marriage you THOUGHT you had is sometimes not the marriage you had.

I loved my husband. I thought we had a good marriage. I recognized HE didn’t communicate but I let it go. I requested certain things (like being on time and accountable for whereabouts) but he refused. So I let it go. I was very accommodating and did not EVER complain when he traveled extensively for his job.

What did it get me? A lying cheating insecure spouse who needed an ego boost from other women. I didn’t see it at the time nor for 25 years of marriage. But I certainly saw it in hindsight after dday2.

So Groot you ask some very valid questions and recognize the path in front of you. I was still struggling 3 years from dday2 b/c I didn’t recognize my own path in healing. I kept waiting for him to fix it not realizing I had to fix me.

The betrayed gets the short end of the stick. If you choose to R you have to put in the work to rebuild you and the marriage. If you choose to D you have to rebuild yourself and accept the guilt you put yourself through by choosing D.

IMO the betrayed loses no matter what they choose. There is always "something" - because of the guilt we feel. Choose D - there is guilt. Choose to R - there is guilt because sometimes you know deep down you want the D but are trying to make it work for the kids, family, etc.

To succeed in R / the betrayed needs to rebuild themselves after the explosion to the marriage. And it is a long slow process.

It took me 3 to 4 years to stop waking up every day thinking of the affair and wanting a D the moment I opened my eyes.