Groot I always think that with your posts how similar we are thinking lately!!
I think that’s the thing, part of me hates him and probably always will - how can I ever be truly happy again with someone who has caused me such emotional distress. I feel like an abuse victim staying with their absuer. I can’t bring myself to have the difficult conversations or to leave but if I stay I need to move forward and have a fulfilling new life and make a family. We’re just in limo purgatory right now and some how I’ve let this relationship plod on for 12 years without moving forward (not knowing his part of that was due to his affair) I don’t want to do another 12 years without marriage and kids. But could I say yes to a proposal to someone who murdered my heart? I don’t think that’s healthy but then why can’t I leave!!
This is where the overthinking comes in and do we all rug sweep and just get on with it if everyone cheats anyway?
I think that’s interesting re once a cheater always a cheater …. Technically yes they’ll always be a cheater in that relationship but I don’t think it means cheat once cheat again necessarily.
I like what heartbroken has put ‘once a cheater now I know what you’re capable of’
Truth Set Me Free - I agree I definitely feel like I’m very unhealed! I don’t even know how to do that or what I should be doing to heal! I’ve got my IC and I’ve started taking up some activities like sport etc without him and doing things with friends rather than doing everything with him. I desperately want to be ok and gain clarity on what it is I actually want to do.
Hell Is Not Half Full - honestly when my story is written in black and white I’m like girl what are you still doing there! No one deserves your time again after doing that to you. I always think second chances mean in the same relationship as why should I have to suffer twice (cheating and then breaking up) but I like your comment below:
"Also, redemption isn’t about salvation of the relationship. It doesn’t matter if he actually changes and truly becomes a safe and loving partner. It’s ok to say, good for you, I forgive you and be your best, just not with me."
House Of Plane - that’s the thing if there was no stigma I still don’t know what I’d want to do. Probably stay but I feel like I am doing myself a disservice by staying with someone who was capable of treating me that way.
Heartbroken Wife - that’s the core wound isn’t it that our naivety and blissful view on love has been taken away. I hope us newbies gain our clarity and happiness back soon! I’m so sick of feeling like this!
Ha Webbit is that me a bit of both crazy and in denial, or you? 🤣🤪 probably all of us really! Lol
Misery - do you know it’s also not just other people (although I’m very lucky my friends and family are being supportive in my choices) but it’s more losing respect for myself as well. Staying is tolerating that behaviour. They know we aren’t going to leave and they sigh with relief that phew there is no consequences to their shitty and abusive behaviour.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t exist so I wouldn’t have to deal with the endless thought spirals and unrelenting pain of this trauma.
If I stay I have to accept what’s happened and accept that I’ll never be fully happy as I’ll always be devastated at what he’s done. Although maybe it will be dimmed by having kids and moving on.
And if I leave I might be more devastated at not being together and I’ll be lonely and won’t find anyone else worthy of marriage or kids.