User4578.
I first hand know how hard it is to have someone you love in a band, around all of the groupies, being the center of attention, being around all of the alcohol and drugs, etc. I am so sorry that you are spiraling. When I first met my H he was already in a band, I didn't realize how serious he was about making it in that industry until it was too late, I was pregnant. I ended up leaving him when my first daughter was 6 months because I couldn't handle sitting at home , looking at his fb and seeing all of the girls photos he was stalking, the inappropriate messages much like you're saying.
Fast forward 6 months he begged for us to come back and said he would change yadayada, he did for a little bit but was constantly back and forth with that band and then finally a few years ago joined another band and he started getting serious again. I swear he clung to anything to make him feel worthy, he couldn't just feel worthy enough being a dad, a husband, and a provider (of course he wasn't the provider) I was.
Looking back I can see how absolutely unhealthy it was for me to sit around while he chased this hobby, this dream, that took and took from my mental health and it stole time from my children, robbed me of my hobbies, and he changed who he was as a person being around it. His AP actually went to one of his shows (the first show our oldest daughter has ever seen him play she is 10). After that show, much later I found out he went back to her house.
I don't want to thread jack so I will keep it short (there is so much more under the surface) like that but just enough so you know that I can relate and what I am going to say next is something you said that is impossible but I will tell you how I started to feel somewhat safe again.
I dropped my husband off a few months after Dday to get pick up his motorcycle because he was getting his tires fixed. I remember before he got out of the car I just threw out my words and it came out like vomit but I knew my limits, I knew what I expected and I knew then what I would and wouldn't tolerate anymore.
I said " You can't be in a band anymore, if you stay then I am leaving" He looked at me and you would have thought I kicked him in the guts. He sat there for about a minute in silence and asked me if I meant forever. I told him that it meant for a very very very long time and if I was ever ok with it, I don't see it being in the next 10 years. I told him that our children need to live their lives, they need to have hobbies, I don't want him around sex, drugs, and people with crappy morals (some of his band mates). I told him that I wouldn't hate him if he chose to continue the band but I would know that was my sign to walk away and at the end of the day he would regret choosing this over his kids. (he had been trying to make it for almost 15 years)
My husband hasn't picked up his guitar in months and he is thinking of pawning most of his gear, his passion for music fell to the wayside when he looked and realized that for most of his life he has missed the big things, he jeopardized his marriage, not because of the band per say but because he was selfish. He was out there people pleasing everyone else but us , the ones that mattered the most. He spent money we didn't have and he let his kids down.
My oldest daughter still talks about her daddy being a "rock star" she watches his music videos online and shows all of her friends, I know in those moments my H struggles a little because he loved playing but in my husbands case he loved it for the wrong reasons. I will always be ok with him playing at the house for the kids or even maybe down the road being one of those older guys in a cover band at a family establishment but nothing like he was doing before.
So instead he picked up golfing, a solo sport he can do with our daughter , close to home and something that pleases no one but himself.
I guess I typed all of that to let you know I get it, we all have our limits and I know you said your partner can't just stop being in the band and maybe that is for financial reasons? But you're asking how to stop spiraling when he is away and I know the band scene very well, I am not sure you will ever feel safe again, especially after he has proved to be untrustworthy. I know that I would have supported him for afar if he stayed in his band but the kids and I wouldn't have been a part of it anymore, my mental health and our lives needed to come first and I know if I wouldn't have given in I wouldn't have been happy.
I hope you find a way to not spiral but really I think it will only come with time and him consistently showing you that you and the kids come first, maybe you should also look into finding more hobbies just for you and build a good friend group?
The A changes things for both people involved and there are consequences of the A for both people. I know I don't have to tell you the consequences we face as the one being betrayed.
The consequence for my H is that I finally stood up for myself and our children and put up my boundaries, I found my voice , I didn't waiver and I am turning into a very strong person that takes no bullshit.
I actually joked with him as much as I can joke being this depressed and I said "Ya know if you didn't have this affair you would still be in a band, going out whenever you wanted to but here we are."
He never gets upset by that comment, instead he agrees that the second chance we gave him means more than anything else he could possibly be doing and if he forgets that one day and jeopardizes us again in any way , I know I will walk.
I hope you find your strength to stand up and do what you need to do for yourself, whatever that is. I hope that over time he shows you how much you mean to him , just remember people that have affairs are inherently selfish. Sometimes they won't do the right things right away and they don't change overnight. Sometimes they need to feel the consequences of their actions , at least my H did. I still catch him being selfish over dumb things and I call him out every single time.
I will be thinking about you these next few weeks because I have felt exactly like you feel now, sending strength!