SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm at a loss. My wife just told me her AP is now working at our gym. Apparently he was working there when she went to her class tonight. For those that don’t remember he was her trainer during the A. She's already decided to find another gym, but I'm a regular there. I'm feeling so angry. I don't know if I can face going back but leaving feels weak. Any advice?"

I would not wont to be anywhere around my spouses AP so I would walk away and find another gym. Not a weak decision, possibly the smartest decision you can make.

I would look for a gym with my wife. I wouldn't want to be reminded of the past.

Ah yes. Infidelity, the gift that keeps on giving. You certainly aren’t weak for leaving if you do decide to leave. I don’t like the idea of you having to give up a gym you enjoy because of that jerk, but you know if this is workable for you. Trust your gut. You decide what feels best for you. If you go to a new gym though I would let your current gym know why they are losing a regular client.

Brew3x Wow a blast from the past, my newbie days.

Gotta leave gym. Infidelity takes a lot away but I couldn’t look at the dude while working out. Good on her to bring it to you.

Sorry to hear this. How are things with you and your wife these days. What is she still doing to help you heal?

Did she talk to him at the gym? If so what was said. She should be open and honest about that.

As for the gym, yes I would take any remaining financial hit and have both of you leave. But if it were me, I’d ensure that the manager of the gym know why you were leaving and who the person she hired really is.

And if you can do it discreetly I’d warn any men you are friendly with at the club about him and ensuring their wives don’t work with him.

Take care.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:13 PM, Tuesday, August 13th]

Brew3x Wow a blast from the past, my newbie days

I check in from time to time but haven’t felt the need to post anything. I’ve been reading here a lot more since my 5 year dd anniversary and 10 year wedding anniversary are coming up a week apart in october. Expect some more posts as that date nears.

How are things with you and your wife these days. What is she still doing to help you heal?

honestly she’s not doing anything. I stopped bringing up the A about a year ago. Things between us are just ok I’ve basically completely withdrawn from her and go about my life as if we were just roommates.
She didn’t talk to the AP she said when she walked in she noticed him and he noticed her, she did her thing and left.

I know "weak" wasn’t the best way to describe what I’m feeling but I don’t think I can work out there without saying anything and don’t think I can just walk away. I was in a rage by the time I got to work today. I guess infidelity and an hour of Boston traffic will do that to you. I’m considering confronting the AP in the gym. I might say something like "Danny my name is Brew3x don’t get comfortable working here I’m going to tell everyone what you did every member is going to know you like to sleep with your married female clients" he already ruined my M I’m not sure I can let him take this from me too. There’s a small part of me that thinks this is a Terrible idea, what say you?

I’m going to tell everyone what you did every member is going to know you like to sleep with your married female clients" he already ruined my M I’m not sure I can let him take this from me too. There’s a small part of me that thinks this is a Terrible idea, what say you?

Telling others the truth is never slander. To your wife’s AP, I say "consequences are a bitch" lol.

Things between us are just ok I’ve basically completely withdrawn from her and go about my life as if we were just roommates.

So what keeps you in this M? Sounds miserable.

I'd talk with the manager and tell them what happened and say that the choice is either get rid of him or lose my business. If they decide to keep him, I'd switch gyms. And I probably wouldn't go quietly.

I might say something like "Danny my name is Brew3x don’t get comfortable working here I’m going to tell everyone what you did every member is going to know you like to sleep with your married female clients" he already ruined my M I’m not sure I can let him take this from me too.

No one gives a shit. There is nothing "enforceable" there, and it's just going to make you look butt hurt to him.

Engaging with AP is basically never going to bear fruit or satisfaction for the BS.

I am in sort of precisely this situation too. AP suddenly re-appeared in a situation where she had to "co-manage" something with my WS. WS reported it to me like your spouse did. My WS is sending a letter to the AP’s manager asking they never be assigned to him again. It has been causing me severe rage too. and tears. It’s been going on for 3 months. Should be over in about a month. It is intolerable not because I think it will lead to cheating but just as a torture like trigger that can’t be avoided.

So… I am so sorry you have to deal with this. It is awful. I agree with others that you should tell whoever you want at that gym. It is after all not a professional setting for you. You are customer - thus always right! Confronting him sounds dicey. I inadvertently confronted AP 2 years ago and felt it had mixed results. On the one hand seeing what a crazy lunatic she was reminded me what a pathetic person he cheated with. But, it stirred me up for awhile. Also, it could give the AP grounds to complain.

So in that sense I wonder if you should do that (confront him). Because right now YOU are completely in the right. And even if you tell people at the gym you are still in the right and you look like the good guy (not sure if you would actually care about that). You did nothing wrong, you are just being honest if you tell others. He looks bad and you are, once again, the customer in that setting. If you confront him then the gym or others could take the stance that you were agressive in some way. They could ask you to leave and that would be unfair. If you leave it should be on your own terms. I realize they really shouldn’t be able to ask you to leave your own gym just for making a statement to the guy. But, if you are in any way aggressive he may spin it as harassment or something. Maybe you just tell everyone you want to tell and then stick around for a while to intimidate him just with your presence, without speaking to him. Until eventually you tire of it, and then maybe you move to a different gym. What a total jerk by the way for him to take a job there (assuming he knew you guys went there).

They say rage is a combination of fear and helplessness. Maybe that is why having a plan always feels better. I think my only fear is them getting away with this again with no consequences. These people know what they are doing they just have callous disregard for other people’s feelings. I think it also props up the AP’s fantasy that they have done nothing wrong and thus you and your spouse should be able to tolerate their presence no problem. Yeah right. Hope the summer traffic dies down for you soon!

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 6:49 PM, Tuesday, August 13th]

I agree with gr8ful.

This is YOUR life Brew3x, why stay married to a WW? And yes, your wife is *still* wayward. Get a D and cut yourself free from the ball-and-chain!

Meanwhile, these types of stories, where men stay married to their WW and are wandering around in the plain of lethal flatness years later, seems to be par for the course.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 7:24 PM, Tuesday, August 13th]

I agree with gr8ful.

This is YOUR life Brew3x, why stay married to a WW? And yes, your wife is *still* wayward. Get a D and cut yourself free from the ball-and-chain!

Why is she still wayward? I’m curious how you know that from a two sentence reply.

Brew3x: Your quote, post #5, says it all for me.

honestly she’s not doing anything.

She isn't doing anything--your own words, and frankly, you sound unhappy. For someone to STOP being Wayward, they need to be doing a hell of a lot more than 'not doing anything'.

Has your wife decided to stop going to the gym (that particular gym that is) in the meanwhile? Or is she willing to discuss what had happened with the owner and so former AP is not a good hire (if that is what you would wish, that is). That would be a necessary start, an action she needs to take.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 7:24 PM, Tuesday, August 13th]

Maybe I have too much testosterone (which seems to be very much lacking on this website). I would approach him and let him know you will be going postal on him unless he makes himself scarce.I don't care if he is a golden gloves boxer who is a foot taller...

So that MFer of an AP invaded your safe space?!?! That is some kind of entitled little prick.

Now - I get the dark fantasy of the conversation you want to have. I get the writing it out and editing it over and over and over again. I get even practicing the delivery. And...it pains me to say this...won't do a damn bit of good and will only serve to let that entitled little prick know he's gotten to you. MFer will probably smirk. Resist the temptation to knock the smirk off his face and some teeth to go with it [indulge in the dark fantasy of course - but resist the temptation].

Find a new gym. Either one with your WW or your own. It sucks. It isn't right. It isn't fair. It just one more thing the A has taken from you. But taking the high road is the best thing you can do. For yourself. It isn't the easiest - but the view is spectacular.

All that being said, when you cancel your membership - if are asked why - lay out the facts. Not the emotion, just the facts. Come to think of it - that would be the sentence to draft and edit. "I'm cancelling my long standing membership because [insert the Dragnet style facts here]"

Once you say it/send it - hold your head high. Walk out that door and into the door of a new gym like you freaking own it. Buy yourself new athletic gear, new equipment, new shoes, weights, anything. Wear it like it makes you bad ass and bullet proof. You are Brew3x after all. AP is just an entitled little prick.

Just to be clear…

My post was aspirational. I would have liked to have remained calm and collected — at least in retrospect. But in reality I showed up all guns blazing and was in many ways wildly inappropriate, testosterone or no testosterone.

You do what feels right to you.

It's good to hear from you, Brew. I have mixed feelings about your detachment - glad it's not worse, sad it's not better.

Whatever you do you can do weakly or with strength. I associate 'weak' with fear, and I don't read much - or any - of that in your post.

Do trainers bring clients with them when they switch gyms? If so, a gym manager will stick with the trainer if you give them a choice, but I like the idea of talking with the manager.

If fear is a factor in your thinking, I'd urge you to deal with that, but avoiding a trigger is often the best tactic - detoxing a trigger often takes more effort than it's worth. NC means no new hurts.

*****

I wouldn't make any threat I wasn't prepared to put into effect. And I can't forget that in any conflict between hormones and the law, the law is almost definitely going to prevail.

She didn’t talk to the AP she said when she walked in she noticed him and he noticed her, she did her thing and left.

Why didn't she turn around and leave when she noticed him?

"Be kind to unkind people, they need it the most." Unknown quote.

Another way of looking at a potentially difficult situation for a BS.

I saw my husband’s AP at the gym. She was startled, shocked to see me. I nodded my head, bit my tongue and continued doing what I was doing.

I felt empowered and I conquered the situation.

That’s all.