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When we try to discuss the betrayal she breaks down crying and I can’t understand half of what she is saying. Is this a real response or manipulation to stop the discussion?

Could be either one. Probably could be something else, too.

What do you do after she makes her unintelligible statement?

My experience (since 1967) has been to let my W cry when she's crying. If I don't understand what she said, I ask her to repeat it. Usually she can do that because the crying released her feelings, and she's thinking and speaking more clearly.

Try written communication if she can't keep it together for discussion.

I agree with both Sisoon and Fine. Communication is absolutely needed, the modality is negotiable, and brief breaks to allow for emotional expression are normal. If she continues to refuse to communicate even with those allowances, THAT is a huge red flag and a sign of manipulation.

She does repeat it if I ask her. After reading the responses I might have to show a little more grace. She is absolutely remorseful and I think she is just so ashamed and afraid of losing me she just loses it.
I will try the writing out the responses. I do love her very much and we were going through a very hard time when it happened.
She takes full responsibility and I have not had any more issues with her. She quit her job immediately after. AP was a co worker with some authority over her office.

The crying could be real, or it could be a defensive maneuver to get out of answering the question. I used to negotiate really big deals, there was no crying involved, but sometimes stand offs where we would just look at each other. It’s pretty much a standard practice that he who speaks first loses.

She is probably counting on you to stop and comfort her. Don’t. You don’t need to be a jerk, but just sit passively until the crying stops.

My EX had these kinds of episodes early on when I was interrogating her. Snot nosed crying to the point of hysterical. . I didn’t yell, I just sat until the crying became under control. ( it never stopped). Once it was close to 30 minutes and I didn’t say a word. When she got to the point where she was coherent I just said, "ok, let’s continue". I’m sure she was hoping that the crying would make me either quit, or let up.

She lied to you for so long. I’m sure she is hoping that her emotional state will get you to continue to rug sweep. It’s time to ho hold her feet to the fire. It can be done without you becoming a jerk.

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 10:43 PM, Friday, August 16th]

Other than crying, what is she doing that shows remorse?

What work is she doing to become a safe partner?