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My WW is upset because I told her she weighs too much, that she prioritizes me last (after kids, scouts, her family and work), and that her parenting model is poor. One of responses in our discussion struck a cord with me.

She responded that I shouldn’t bring up her weight, and that I should focus on the positive aspects of our lives. In essence, love her regardless of weight.

For context, her A’s with multiple OM happened after I had initiated a change in our eating and exercise routines. We both lost considerable weight. I took that opportunity to do triathlons, she decided to begin having A’s.

After it all unraveled, she was eventually remorseful (after 2 false DD). Overtime, she shifted more of her focus towards community service and the kids. And her weight increased.

I'm angry.

WW took insane risks and put so much effort to be with these OMs (pictures that the OM has, unprotected sex, sharing my private information, almost lost her job due to performance,..) but when I ask her to get back in shape, she tells me it’s off-limits to discuss.

It feels like reconciliation isn’t truly possible unless the BS chooses to completely forget and forgive. Forget being more important.

But I don’t think I can. The OMs got the excitement and the most aggressive and focused part of my WW. I’m left here paying for private school, remodeling the closet, running errands, cleaning the house, and...

WW didn’t love me for who I am when she was angry. It’s the irony of being a BS that I share with her my frustration and she critiques it. Unlike what she did.

[This message edited by Ghostrider at 1:12 AM, Thursday, September 5th]

Ultimately I don’t think you are going to feel good about attacking her weight. Even though you are rightfully angry about being horribly traumatized by your wife.

I am sure I am not telling you anything you don’t know by saying women are incredibly sensitive about their weight. I would no more go there than shame a man for having a small penis or something. Some things are just cruel, even if you’ve been hurt.

I hope you take this in the spirit of trying to help.

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 3:39 AM, Thursday, September 5th]

If she's decided she doesn't want to lose weight, nothing you say will change that. The only thing you can do is decide if you wish to stay with her as she is. The A and everything with it can still be a dealbreaker at any time. But, losing weight is really a personal thing, if you don't really want it, it's not going to happen.

Ow.

I mean, I get that you're the BS (me, too), but weight is such a low blow (I know, I know, so is an A). While not making excuses for your WW's affairs, I think we all realize here that something in them is broken and that is often their self-esteem. I've read of women that consciously or subconsciously gain weight in order to not attract unwanted attention. Obviously, I don't know what her issues are. I suffer from weight issues, and my similarly overweight fWH had the audacity to mention it after his activities with escorts and I went for the jugular. I said that was pretty rich coming from a bald, fat man with a limp that paid for sex. I guess it was open season with the insults at that time, but it sure wasn't conducive to healing. Don't know if that is on your agenda or not.

There sure seems to a lot of info these days that weight issues are like a disease state for many. Sure, there are a lot of people who can lose weight with better choices and exercise, but it appears that are also a lot of people that they now are saying can NOT, at least not in a sustainable, lasting way.

Comments like yours often have the opposite effect. Makes them more depressed and wanting to eat more. Her weight is not a reflection on how important you are to her. It's her issue, period. IMO No one should be losing weight to make someone else happy. They should do it for themselves.

[This message edited by SackOfSorry at 4:28 AM, Thursday, September 5th]

My wife also got into the best fitness she has since having kids as part of her A, and then largely let herself go post d-day. I feel the pain of your words in that, even if it is unpopular to say. That your partner would put so much effort and focus into making themselves attractive and sexy for strangers and then have nothing for their life partner, regardless of gender, that is shitty beyond words.

What does your thread title refer to? Are you asking if there is a statute of limitations over your right to D over the A? If so, the answer is decidedly NO.

Short answer is no.

You get to decide what you want and need. If you wife doesn't do that for you, you can D. Almost everywhere is no fault. Takes 2 to R, only 1 to D.

Want what the APs got? Then make moves to end the marriage and move on. Either she will put in the effort she gave them in order to keep you, or (my hope) you will find someone else who is willing and ready to be an active partner (romantically, intellectually, sexually etc...) with you.

Only you can make that happen one way or another. It starts with you talking to a lawyer. I wish you good luck.

I'm reading this like Ink and Stevens are reading it (I think): you want what the AP got. It's probably less about her actual weight and more about her effort with AP.

You will never get what the AP got. Ever. Accepting that is part of the process. You are not new. She cannot pretend to be a different version of herself with you. She doesn't have to sneak around to see you. All the things that make an affair exciting don't exist in a marriage. And ego kibbles from a spouse aren't as sweet as kibble from someone who isn't obligated to provide them.

You can have a marriage. You can revive intimacy. You can have new experiences with a spouse. But you both have to want it and it will never feel like an affair. One might argue that a healthy marriage with mutual love, respect and a healthy sex life is miles better than whatever cheap thrills an affair affords. But you need to decide if that is true for you.

My WW is upset because I told her she weighs too much, that she prioritizes me last (after kids, scouts, her family and work), and that her parenting model is poor.

I can't imagine why that conversation wasn't received well by your wife... This was basically an inventory of all her failures as a woman and spouse.

For context, her A’s with multiple OM happened after I had initiated a change in our eating and exercise routines.

(emphasis mine)

So according to you, you were the driver for her previous weight loss; it probably wouldn't have been something she would've pursued on her own.

I took that opportunity to do triathlons, she decided to begin having A’s.

Please know that I'm not putting any moral equivalence between triathlons and affairs, nor am I blaming you for your wife's actions. But I think it's important to note that your fitness journey didn't bring you closer together; instead, you both spent a lot of time, effort, and energy seeking external validation. I think your wife is cognizant of that and rather then time and energy hitting the gym and counting calories, she's dedicating herself to her kids and acts of service to the community... essentially trying to redeem herself.

So when you tell her that she needs to lose weight and lament about how OM got the best of her, it's like telling someone who is a recovering addict: "Yeah, you destroyed your family and nearly lost your job, but you were so much skinnier and more fun when you were a meth head. Why can't you go back to that?"

But I don’t think I can. The OMs got the excitement and the most aggressive and focused part of my WW. I’m left here paying for private school, remodeling the closet, running errands, cleaning the house, and...

Guess what? You would be doing all of those things whether or not your wife had an affair. You will continue to do all those things whether you stay married or get divorced... because that's life. Therefore, there's no point in being resentful about it. Your wife tried to take an extended Spring Break from life and it nearly cost her everything.

Lastly, it's entirely possible that you've come to the realization that you and your wife are fundamentally incompatible... and that things that you were willing to overlook and tolerate before the affair are now insufferable after the fact. If that is the case, then your options are to either find a middle ground-- ideally with the help of a marriage counselor-- or part ways. But it's very unreasonable to try to change your wife into someone's she's not, particularly as some sort of recompense for her affair.

I read your post somewhat differently. IMO, your issue is not her weight. In essence, it's that you're not asserting yourself.

What do you actually want from her? Figure that out, and ask for it. If she delivers, great - stay together. If she doesn't, great - D. Certainly that's easier said than done, but it's eminently doable, and the ball is in your court.

Look at it this way: if she loses weight, will you be happy with her?

It feels like reconciliation isn’t truly possible unless the BS chooses to completely forget and forgive. Forget being more important.

That's not at all what R is, IMO, but if I saw R that way, I'd run.

Since that's what R means to you, I urge you to make a choice. Either reframe your view of R, or walk.

You are not required to offer R. I would recommend offering R only if you see it as a path to a good life, as you define 'good life'. I urge you to D if you don't see R as a path to a good life.

R is hard work. Don't force yourself to do it unless you think you'll be happy if R turns out the way you want it to.

It starts with asserting yourself. If you need help doing that - and we all do at some points in our lives, IMO - good IC may be what you need.

I hope your wife tells you what I finally told my H: I am DONE trying to be what YOU want me to be. Accept me as I am or leave. You pick.

There's so much pressure on women to have perfect bodies and be perfect mothers and run a perfect household. You just took a big dump on her and you expect that to result in positive change? No sir. Bad move.

If you can't accept her as she is, if she's not who you want to be with, if you're angry all the time, then leave. But don't shit on her again. She might just put on her Betty Crocker apron and make you a nice chocolate pie.

"Yeah, you destroyed your family and nearly lost your job, but you were so much skinnier and more fun when you were a meth head. Why can't you go back to that?"

This.

In actuality, the affair did make me lose some weight because I was fucking batshit crazy. I have always been average, not skinny, not fat. After the affair, I actually got in the best shape of my life trying to outrun depression.

I understand the need to have a spouse that wants to look good for you. And someone who has energy is also part of it. But like blue is saying taking inventory of someone and saying "you are not good enough" is not a motivator.

Seven years later and I am back to the size I have been my adult life with the exception of the affair/post affair crazy abyss of lostness. If my husband said this to me, reducing my value to my size, I probably would have some serious discussions about our compatibility and whether or not we should divorce. I don’t want to obsess on how I look, that was the women seeking external validation. Not being vain is a sign of my healing.

I get what you are saying, I really do. I hear it the way Ink is - you want what she gave in the affairs. And having been betrayed that has changed you significantly. I think you want to be perused. The AP didn’t have to do chores or take care of the kids or any of the things you mentioned…but had for some reason the relationship became reality, he would be sitting right where you are. To you, it seems like that’s an indication of your importance to her. I think it’s likely an indication she has healed her need for the external validation.

So why did the ap really get? They got someone who was using them to feel better about herself. Affairs are almost always about self adulation- pretending to be someone you are not- to meet a different version of yourself. I thought it was showing me how young and vibrant I still was. Now, I just see that woman I was as pathetic. I want no part of being her ever again.

That’s not to say you are wrong to feel however you are feeling, but you need to assess what your needs truly are here. If you just simply don’t want to be with her, there is no statute of limitations to get out. You deserve to feel loved, and regardless of the past so does she. People are redeemable regardless of the outcome of their marriage.

I don’t read this as you are vain or trying to be mean. I get this trauma she has doled out has changed you significantly. If you want out you don’t have to reduce it to these parameters. It’s as tender as if she was saying, man you are losing your hair or if you lost weight your penis would look bigger. That’s not what love is. She may have rendered you unable to love her, and you are looking for ways she can help you back into doing that. I don’t think this is the answer.

I can't imagine why that conversation wasn't received well by your wife... rolleyes This was basically an inventory of all her failures as a woman and spouse.

Maybe I’m in a bad mood because my wife is being extra obnoxious this morning, but come on: we talk about the need to be honest and upfront in R and we’re brow beating a struggling BS here? Quick ask for people to check themselves and see if they are projecting their own insecurities into this.

Maybe OP’s delivery could have been lacking, we really don’t know cause he may have just been short hand venting here. But all these topics are valid, IMO.

Having a desire for a healthy and desirable partner is valid and should be voiced if one feels that way.

Feeling like your partner leaves scraps for you while killing the selves for the outside world is a valid complaint.

Having disagreements over parenting strategies is immensely important to discuss.

I could have said all these things, and I would have expected progress on all of them. OP registered 13 years ago, so I assume this is not a new situation, but rather frustration with an R that seems to be falling short. I think that is what matters here as we support this member. Just my thoughts.

I see Ink, Stevesn and The End's comments reflect what a lot of men (myself included) feel in the aftermath of As. Namely, you went to great lengths to be attractive for your AP, but I get sweatpants and Cheeto dust. Before your A it was cute and endearing, not so much afterward.

...that I should focus on the positive aspects of our lives.

Clearly...criticizing someone for gaining weight is a third rail, as is their parenting, but this line bothered me. Why does she feel entitled to dictate how you should feel?

What she thinks you should or shouldn't do is beside the point. Sounds like you feel like an afterthought in this new, revitalized version of herself.

Sisoon's questions do require serious introspection. What, exactly, do you want? What would an idealized version of her look like to you, and would it help you heal? You may find out that there's nothing she can do, and in that case you need to decide whether you want to stay married to her.

In looking at your backstory, it appears you still feel resentful about what she did, but to continue feeling that way so many years later seems like you didn't really pursue your own healing enough.

You want to feel special to her, that you're worth the effort. At least as much effort as she put into her (POSOMs, POSOMen? Not sure what the plural is). That's reasonable, I suppose. Effort after so many years of marriage just won't look like effort at the beginning of a relationship. Perhaps she thinks the volunteering is on par with what she put into the affair. Only she can answer that, and you get to choose whether that matches your definition.

But focusing on her weight and her identity as a mother aren't productive. And it's likely not even the real issue. Is it possible you're really mostly angry with yourself for staying? That's also a very possible explanation.

You clearly have discipline and focus, otherwise you wouldn't be able to compete in triathlons. Work on yourself.

After all that, you may find that this was a deal-breaker after all.

Stay strong.

[This message edited by 1994 at 4:13 PM, Thursday, September 5th]

InkHulk, I think you know me well enough through SI by now to know that I can't be accused of telling a BS to repress their feelings or coddle their WS. I also do think that WS need to go above and beyond, rather than simply doing what they should've been doing all along.

But let's be honest: there isn't any variation of "You're fat, unfulfilling as a wife, and a crappy mom" that's going to lead to a constructive conversation. More importantly, according to Ghostrider, his wife is remorseful, rededicating herself to her family, and making an effort to be a better person. I can't imagine how demoralizing his inventory of her failures would be even to an exemplary wife, let alone one who is trying to claw her way out of the gutter. That's not projection of my own insecurities, that's empathy.

The intent of the post was that none of these issues in and of themselves are what's driving Ghostrider's dissatisfaction with the marriage-- it's the fact that he's resentful that OM got to enjoy a side of his wife that he never did. That's a valid feeling. But that doesn't change the fact that his wife clearly loathes who she was during the affair and that she can't just take the good but the leave the bad.

I get that you're the BS (me, too), but weight is such a low blow (I know, I know, so is an A). While not making excuses for your WW's affairs, I think we all realize here that something in them is broken and that is often their self-esteem.

Truly fascinating how a number of women here seem to be (despite the denials) basically equating the betrayal of adultery as being as bad as voicing displeasure about her weight, specifically in the context of how she busted her ass to look great and likely was (significantly?) more sexually adventurous with APs than she ever was, or ever will be with her BH. Many threads on this board and others over the years seem to always divide the genders: a BH wanting the effort his wife made for AP(s) is just asking too much from the perspective of most female posters. Some posters even go so far as to say the BH is just as bad as his adulterous wife if he wants equal-or-better effort from her.

The above quote strikes me as projection. The BW who wrote it likely does suffer from self-esteem issues due to her admitted struggles with weight. But is it fair to project that onto OP’s adulterous wife? Could it be just as likely that the same selfishness that green-lit multiple adulteries might also be what’s behind her weight gain? I reject the idea the only explanation behind her weight gain is that she’s victim of poor self esteem.

I used to be overweight. It wasn’t a lack of self esteem. I was lazy. I enjoyed drinking 3 IPA beers every day after work - the equivalent of downing a loaf of bread. I had something of a selfish attitude my wife was stuck with me in marriage and she wasn’t going anywhere so who cares? Selfishness manifests in many ways - not merely in adultery.

[This message edited by gr8ful at 4:45 PM, Thursday, September 5th]

BTB, no offense meant, and I absolutely hold you and your advice in the highest of regard.

That said, I see this quite differently than you, and I guess we’ll have to just accept that. If OP bringing these things up is characterized as just piling onto his wife, then what is he supposed to do with these valid concerns?

I think we can take this back to the idea of creative effort, that I’m quite sure we align on. I think OP wants the effort from his wife. And per the long discussion that was had on this topic a while ago, there is a negotiation in this. A loving partner will have some balance of loving their partner the way the other desires to be loved AND in a way that resonates with the soul of the one giving the love. But really the point is effort and value. Maybe weight is not one a partner might be able to deliver for their partner (though when my wife asked me to increase my arm strength to be more like POSOM, I hit the gym on her behalf), but a partner should feel a love that would compensate for that.

But I still say that a desire for your exclusive partner to maintain their own health and attractiveness is valid. And if a person feels that is highly important to them, to the point that that is what they want and a potential deal breaker in the wake of an affair, who are we to judge? We expect WS’s to improve themselves. We regularly say they have flawed character. Both of those are bad manners in polite company. We generally don’t worry about that in this forum.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 4:49 PM, Thursday, September 5th]

Predictably, this post has turned into another battle of the sexes. So I'm just going to say explicitly that my advice to OP would've been the same even if the sexes were reversed.

Furthermore, if Ghostrider's WW was the one on here complaining about what he said to her, my advice to her would be this: "Before your affair, your husband probably dissatisfied with you in a lot of ways, but kept it to himself because he thought you were a loyal and loving wife. Unfortunately, as a consequence of your affair, things that he thought he could live with in the past are intolerable now. Therefore, your options are to (A) try to appease him (B) try to compromise, or (C) get divorced."

To bring this back to you, Ghostrider...

Your wife has already shot down option A. So it's up to you whether you want to attempt option B or go straight to C.

edit;add:

TheEnd

Namely, you went to great lengths to be attractive for your AP, but I get sweatpants and Cheeto dust.

Actually, if you read Ghostrider's OP, you will see that his wife originally lost weight because he "initiated a change in our eating and exercise routines." She got fit specifically at her husband's request, not with the explicit purpose of pursuing other men.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:39 PM, Thursday, September 5th]

I do think that we can read between the lines in regards to the OP's pain. This in particular really stood out for me, in Post #1, by the OP:

But I don’t think I can. The OMs got the excitement and the most aggressive and focused part of my WW. I’m left here paying for private school, remodeling the closet, running errands, cleaning the house, and...

WW didn’t love me for who I am when she was angry. It’s the irony of being a BS that I share with her my frustration and she critiques it. Unlike what she did.

Ghostrider, you are absolutely heard here. POSOM got at least the shiniest parts of your WW, and here you are stuck with the rest--someone too busy with everything else to make you feel like a priority. After all she put you through with you staying, she sure as hell should be doing much more to make you feel cherished than she is doing.

I also feel that if you *are* sold on R (I think its a bad deal for you but that isn't the topic of this thread--I have shouted to the High Heavens that this is what BHs have to put up with in R attempts and it aint worth it) then maybe you could put things more constructively. You can R or D and still be kind. You hate that she does not make you feel like a priority and it really bothers you that she does not put more effort into looking good for you, are, legitimate issues that you need to bring up.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 5:57 PM, Thursday, September 5th]

Namely, you went to great lengths to be attractive for your AP, but I get sweatpants and Cheeto dust.

Actually, if you read Ghostrider's OP, you will see that his wife originally lost weight because he "initiated a change in our eating and exercise routines." She got fit specifically at her husband's request, not with the explicit purpose of pursuing other men.

That's true, and I did see that. My point, generally, is that it's easy to feel like APs get a highly-curated version of the WS's best self (however one gets there) and BS's may often feel they get marginal effort.

You said it best below:

Before your affair, your husband probably dissatisfied with you in a lot of ways, but kept it to himself because he thought you were a loyal and loving wife. Unfortunately, as a consequence of your affair, things that he thought he could live with in the past are intolerable now.