I get that weight is an incredibly sensitive subject. I do. But for goodness sake, the idea of being used for money and security is an incredibly sensitive subject as well, and this situation is mixing the two.
Show me where we know this.
-He said he was paying his child’s school tuition. He didn’t say it’s was just her decision to send him to private school.
-He didn’t say if she works.
It’s sort of a straw man to say "the ap wasn’t fixing the closet or paying tuition"
Um, that’s not his house or his kid? This man has responsibilities that are not caused by the affair.
He has resentment that is caused by the affair. The resentment belongs to him, he is the only one who can solve it. All we are trying to do is broaden his view of the source of those resentments.
It’s not lost on anyone that he wants her to lose weight to show him she wants to make an effort to look a certain way for him. I think most people appreciate their spouse doing things for them and making them feel special. No one is faulting him for feeling that way. We are just trying to help him see ways he might be more successful.
But it just so happens that the person who showed up at our door looking for support is decidedly on one side of this. And maybe we should allow him the space to voice his pain for more than one post before expecting him to process it so well that he’s solved and moved past it.
I honestly don’t think you can find a poster in this thread who doesn’t acknowledge his pain.
We are not expecting for him to process it all perfectly. We are giving him different view points that he can do what he wants with.
I fail to see how being an echo chamber can help him. This is not a new bs. He is 13 years out. I don’t think it makes it less painful but he is stuck. Probably has been for 13 years. I think the different perspectives at least give him a chance to think a different thought. And thoughts are what drive our pain. The problem with that is we can latch on to certain things that keep us stuck.
I don’t believe that his wife has gained weight because she doesn’t love him. It’s a fallacy for him to believe that. She has likely gained weight because she doesn’t feel good about herself. Making her feel worse isn’t going to create a situation where a woman is going to pursue him for sex, or even be able to let loose and get into things because she is worried he is looking at her stomach or whatever it is. I can not underline how profoundly deep body image struggles are for most women.
Yes, she should make effort and make him a priority. All married people should do that. My guess is she does all sorts of things for him she didn’t do for the AP. Focusing on just one side of that coin isn’t helping.
Comparing their marriage to her affair isn’t helpful at all. Because then you gotta drag out a list of who does what, what reward was there, and so on. No one is going to come to a place of healing from making things like that their focus.
People heal by by being vulnerable and getting specific with what is really missing in this picture for them. And then seeing either the ws help find a solution that will work for BOTH of them, which affirms their choices to stay. Or that doesn’t happen and they need to find the courage to move on.
[This message edited by hikingout at 12:56 AM, Saturday, September 7th]