My story and TheEnd's are very similar aside from the fact that we did not move and that while we did end up divorcing we now, 7 years post-day 1 are dating. I also had false-R and d-day 2 one year (to the day) after d-day 1. WH also read one book, started IC, gave me access to his whereabouts on his phone (which really didn't matter much as 99% of their A took place while they were at work - either when they were both there together or taking/texting constantly when the other one was off), and did and said some of the right things - but those "right" things were intermittent and dispersed with defensiveness and stonewalling and a frustration with me that I was not "happy like I used to be." AKA - I wasn't entertaining him the way I used to because he had stabbed me in the back, watching me bleed out, all the while telling me there was nothing wrong and it was all in my head.
TheEnd's comment totally applied to me back then:
I see how back then I was so devastated and confused I did not fully stand up for myself. I would ask if contact had happened or question a mood or action that bothered me but I easily backed down if he got upset.
And yeah, during that 1 year I had that "feeling" that I was being lied to. For awhile I chalked it up to the idea that I was being lied to about what HAD happened in the past, and that because he did not want to talk about it anymore I was stuck with this unresolved feeling. I believed that if we just talked MORE then those feelings would go away. Thing was, he did not want to talk about it because when we did he was forced to lie to my face or confess. As he had no intention of confessing, every single time we talked it would end with me talking about how we could only move forward if I could trust this was not going to happen again. And every time he would have to lie to my face, assure me that he had no intention of doing so, and that I was worried for no reason - all the while the A was still going on (also similar to TheEnd - it was going on in a different way from how it had before - no more actual sex and less meeting in person in private but instead TONS of sexting and watching each other masturbate via and hundreds of texts daily - it was a true double life).
At d-day 2 I blew up the A - told the OBS and he actually ended the A for about 3 months. During that time AP continued to try to contact him, and he would show me, and eventually AP actually reached out to me and sent a bunch of nonsense about how I had ruined her life by informing her OBS and putting their child's nuclear family in jeopardy. And I think WH was worried once she contacted me that things were really going to blow up so he reached out to her to get her to stop (without my knowing of course) and alas, the A restarted for the 3rd time. And during this time, before I caught him, I could tell something was off but in all honestly he was not trying as hard to gaslight me - he would not confess but if he stayed after work for an extra hour, so he could talk to AP before coming home, he was irritated if I asked and would say something like "yeah, I had to stay overtime - it happens - why does everything I do have to be put under a microscope?" But I was no longer willing to put my gut feelings aside and rely on his lies so it took me about 2 months and I caught him again. And at that point the A blew up - he and AP apparently had some big blow up in the parking lot of the workplace and some co-workers saw/heard and the whole fantasy was ruined. A over.
So what happened? At d-day 3 I decided that was it for me, and while I did not let on to WH immediately, I started making my plans (which were mostly financial and job-related) to leave WH and leave the area. Simultaneously WH had that moment of "clarity" that the problem here was him, and he began to seriously wonder why he did any of this. How could he have destroyed us, and his friendship (OBS had been very a good friend of WH) and destroy his work life (OBS, AP and WH all worked together in a very close knit group of work friends who all socialized together - after the A blew up and people at work found out WH had been screwing OBS's wife for years he went from being very popular to a pariah), and ruin his friendship with his best friend since childhood who had been the victim of an A in his first marriage and told WH that he wasn't sure he wanted to associate with someone who could do that to someone else? Basically, WH hit rock bottom, and unfortunately rock bottom wasn't destroying US, for him it was destroying basically his whole life. But rock bottom made him reenter IC with a mission - to figure out why he was capable of doing the things he did and how to change himself for the better.
That was 4 years ago. We divorced. I planned to moved out of state but it was delayed due to COVID lockdown (nothing like deciding you are ready to go and the world says "ha - not yet" - I really did feel like the entire universe was against me). So we were divorced but still cohabitating until I could move with my job and find a place to buy and get out of there, and due to COVID both our jobs were very slow so we had a lot of time in our little house, without anywhere to go, to talk. And talk we did. And the more WH went to IC the more he wanted to talk, and the less defensive he became, and gosh I found myself thinking "Had you been this person at d-day 1, or heck maybe even at d-day 2, maybe I would have stayed." But ultimately I stuck to my guns and moved when my job transfer came through and I could go back into the real world. But because of that COVID lockdown time, we rebuilt some of our friendship...and when I left we still talked, and talked quite frequently. And 4 years of IC later WH really is a different person in that he deals with things differently and is more open to talking about things - he still gets defensive and he still has a bit of a snap to anger about him, but he realizes when those things happen (or are happening) quickly and corrects himself and explains his thought process. Had he been this man all along I have no doubt we would still be together.
So that's where we are. We are not married but because I have a lot of flexibility with my job, I travel up to see him (and our dogs) from time to time - about 3 months out of the year. And I'm happy with that. I know he would prefer if I returned permanently and we gave it a second full-time go, but honestly, I am not sure I want that anymore. Which is crazy to say as back when I was in your shoes OP (if you have managed to read this novel to this point lol), I could not imagine feeling the way I do now. I am happy with MY life and while I am happy to have WH still in it, I am not sure I want to be tied down again (by tied down I don't mean I want the freedom to date other people - I don't - I mean I like being the captain of my own destiny and I'm not sure I want to go all in with sharing my life completely anymore).
Basically, R means different things to different people. And my situation is much less traditional than most on here, but it works for me and I feel fully comfortable with WH, not because I think I am so special he just "could not" lie to me - but because I think he would not tolerate that behavior from himself now. He would be letting himself down if he were to continue the same behavior - and to me that makes all the difference as to whether I allow him to be in my life at all.
[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 3:50 PM, Thursday, September 5th]