It’s good to hear your update, user4578. I’ve been off the boards for a few days, and I was hoping that it was going well.
You’ve already gotten a lot of great thoughts and advice. That weeks-long bargaining argument was actually a really good preview of what life can be like if you don’t learn to set new boundaries and continue to let him make you the villain. You’re really doing the only and best possible thing by saying that you’re not his mom or his warden. He has to decide if he wants to be a real grown-up boy or not and do it because it meets his goals. He can also choose to stay a child, but you’ve already got a couple of those, and it is the least attractive thing there is to have to be the only grownup and caretaker to a giant-ass man baby.
When I read your other post, he had you half-convinced that him going on the road really wasn’t the problem at all because if he was going to do something, he would do it anywhere. It is definitely true that if he is determined or interested in cheating, he can do it anywhere, and there is nothing you can do to stop it.
But he has cheated now, and it is wound up in all of the bad behaviors of the road—a fact that he may slowly be starting to see now. Cheating is never about just one act. It’s always about all of the small slips and excuses and lies and hiding that condition a wayward to horrible behavior. You’ve had multiple band-wives here telling you that the road is where their WS cheated.
My WH was not in a band, but he did travel a lot for work, and it was much the same. The road was the place where anything was fair game. He didn’t have mom along to take all the fun of out things. He said in one conversation after dday that he didn’t feel married on the road. He traveled with men and women from work without spouses along. Lots of them cheated. Lots of them drank heavily and partied on the company. They engaged in single, immature behavior, and so did my WH. What happens on the road stays on the road.
Now that your WS has cheated, he doesn’t get to say that the environment is a safe one for him or for you. He seems like he might be getting that. He seems to understand that he has led himself into a situation where he feels that you’re not the boss of him on the road. That you won’t know about it, so he can do it. It’s a really important thing for him to realize that HE is the problem and being in the band that goes out and drinks and parties and encourages juvenile, single behavior is the problem. He has looked at the road as the place where he could stay out all night and not get caught, drink and not get caught, and then, shocker, he could even cheat because no one was watching.
Guess what isn’t and was never the problem? YOU. You and saying that he can’t be in the band and also be your partner. Because he just noticed himself that when he has no oversight, he lets himself do exactly all of that bad stuff. He doesn’t police his own behavior. He doesn’t have standards for it. THAT’S been the problem.
It sounds like he might just be getting a clue that you aren’t responsible for the way he’s choosing to behave on the road.
Now, whether or not he will choose to give it up is another question.
BUT, it doesn’t really matter one way or the other because you are moving forward and doing YOUR work. You’re really doing such a great job pretty darned quickly, user. You have come through being afraid of losing him if you take away his dream to being so pissed that you gave him your boundary with the band but also let him bargain and manipulate for a couple of weeks and halfway convince you that you were being unfair to letting go of the outcome and plotting your course forward to peace and a better you, regardless of his choices.
That’s amazing, and I really want you to acknowledge yourself and your strength. Because you’ve been afraid that he would just leave the whole time. And you still stuck with yourself and stuck up for yourself and your kids. Brava. Really. Give yourself a huge hug for respecting and honoring your needs and boundaries when, as you’ve said over and over, it’s not your norm.
Giving up people-pleasing is so freeing. It feels so much less demeaning and self-denegrating. It’s also really hard, and you’ll probably feel creeping guilt now and then still. You’ll probably still ask yourself if you’re being mean and denying him his one precious dream of. . .being in a hobby cover-band.
But the impressive thing is how you keep recovering from those moments and moving forward again. You’re doing the work to get out of infidelity and become a stronger and more self-realized you for yourself and your kids. It’s up to him if he is strong enough and has enough integrity to be worthy of you going forward.
You deserve someone who is and someone who will really be a partner and support for you and your kids, user. I think you are realizing that.
The 180 is a great next step. Just keep swimming. You’re getting stronger with every stroke. Hugs to you. As everyone keeps saying: just watch what he does and don’t throw him any life jackets. That’s when you’ll see if he’s got what it takes or not.
[This message edited by NowWhat106 at 6:33 AM, Sunday, September 8th]