Everything Phosphorescent said! Every word.
I have had to learn and relearn this lesson many times--with my narcissist mom, with ex-boyfriends, with my H and my kids. But I have it now. I finally have it.
The world is hard. Life can be hard. We take a lot of emotional hits, struggle, fall, get back up again. Things don't go as planned. That's part of being human.
My children have been a major difficulty for me since birth. The very first one came out crying and never stopped. We took him to specialists, and he was diagnosed with multiple issues--sensory issues, mild Tourette's syndrome, on the autism spectrum, adhd. He was repeatedly chastised in daycare for destruction and unsafe behavior, but I had to work. He wouldn't potty train. He didn't do well in school. He failed in every sport or activity he tried, and the other kids mistreated him. He was bullied and isolated.
And guess what? No sympathy from anyone. No one saw any overt disability in him, so no one had any sympathy for me, only judgement. Strangers would reprimand me in stores and tell me that I needed to get my tantruming child under control. Teachers were cold and offered nothing but punishments. Parents whispered behind my back. My H and I were stressed beyond belief and fought about how to survive. As if all of that wasn't bad enough, my other two kids suffered similar disabilities and struggles. Our house felt like chaos and misery.
I felt bad, really bad about myself. My H, who never had very strong coping skills, slid into alcohol abuse and sexual gratification. Terrified to be on my own after finding out what he was doing, I sought my own external validation. Then our marriage blew up and we were left with a whole lot of sh$tty feelings, not just about each other and our M but about our entire lives. I did not know where to turn to feel good about myself.
So I was forced to learn the self-esteem lesson once and for all, and that lesson is that I feel good about me when I decide to feel good about me! Nothing and nobody else gets to take that away from me. The success of my kids does not define me as worthy. A perfect marriage does not define me as worthy. My husband's pristine and devoted marital attention does not define me as worthy. I do! And I am f-ing awesome! I'm fun! I'm smart (enough).😆 I'm great at my job! My house is cute (not clean--lol, not fancy, but super cute because I've made it that way). I have a lot of hobbies that I love. I enjoy nature. I enjoy exercising. I take pretty good care of myself. I'm a good person (now). I like me!!! I'm good enough!
We all need to understand that outside validation might look like ego kibbles from strangers, OR it may look like a spouse's validation. But NEITHER OF THOSE are good. We cannot look to those things to tell us we're amazing! Those things are external and random. A spouse is never, ever under our control. They are just being their imperfect selves doing the best they can do in life--and often falling short. But we can count on ourselves. Always.
Your M, your life, and YOU are enough when you decide. When you like yourself and like your M, then you have "arrived." If your H does not seem worthy, then you go. We don't need to stay with people who continue to make us feel bad, people who are not worthy of our awesomeness.
You need to decide right now to start giving yourself the love, validation, kudos, and joy that you deserve. Love yourself for who you are, not for what you have or what you can show the world. Then decide if this M is adding to your joy. If so, keep it. If not, let it go.
You heal you. Then consider the M. The M is not, not, not you. Find your own individual validation.