So very sorry you’re having to go thru all this! Right now your world has been thrown upside down. So many betrayed men take the unfortunate path of trying to put the M back together at all costs, start the "pick me dance", blame themselves, etc. DO NO DO THAT. On the other hand, the "successful" betrayed (that is, those who come out the best after having been subjected to this living hell), are unanimously those who take a strong, decisive path, and refuse to tolerate one more moment of abuse and disrespect. Yes, adultery is absolutely abuse, and the very highest form of disrespect.
1. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCE should you start MC now. Even the most pro-R people here, who believe anyone can be reconciled no matter what, if you simply choose to, even they would say NOT to start MC for a VERY LONG TIME. Marriage counselors will try to save the M no matter what, and always suck at holding the adulterer accountable, and typically buy into the "unmet needs" fallacy, and therefore assign some blame to the betrayed spouse. Your adulterous wife is the one who needs to immediately start IC.
2. Demand she WRITE a FULLY DETAILED timeline. Tell her she has 24 hours to write EVERY interaction, every text, every feeling, who said what, who initiated what, every sexual innuendo, every sexual act they did, along with the when, where, how, etc. Did anyone else know what those two were doing? If so, they’re out of your life forever. Tell her she has once shot at this - if you discover she’s not disclosed 100% the first time, it’s game over and straight to D.
3. Have her give you a written copy, and then have her sit down and READ her timeline to you. Watch her face as she does this.
4. Then tell her she will pay for and sit for a polygraph where she will be asked to confirm the timeline as 100% accurate and 100% comprehensive for everything that happened. She will also be asked whether she has been in ANY way sexual (the examiner will define this) with anyone else since the moment you two were "exclusive" as a couple. Then ask her if she has anything to add to the timeline.
5. This will elicit a chorus of "boos" from some here, but I would tell her that you are initiating D. Tell her that divorces take a long time and she has until the D is final to convince you to stop it. That puts the onus on her, where it should be, to save this M. Tell her that how she conducts herself in the D will also directly influence you whether there will be any future to your relationship. I would also seriously consider demoting her to girlfriend status, which you might consider if she gives you extremely generous terms in the D.
6. Insist she informs both of your families of exactly what she’s done. SO MANY betrayed, especially betrayed men, get vilified by their spouse, with slanderous claims of abuse and worse. Some men have been hauled away in cuffs with calls to police with lies about domestic abuse. Having her do this is NOT "punishment". It’s to prevent false narratives, and your families both get a chance to step up and support you, and hold your wife accountable.
7. If you decide not to immediately file for D (sigh), at least demand a post-nuptial agreement, with terms extremely favorable to you, where if you decide to later file for D, for any reason, the terms favoring you have already been agreed to. This must be done through lawyers and I would recommend she signs while being videotaped, so no later claims of signing under duress can be made.
8. Follow thru with the poly. Make HER pay for it personally. In the parking lot, tell her she has one last chance to add anything to her story now, where you promise you will stay calm and take 30 days to consider what was shared. On the other hand, if she fails the poly, it’s 100% game over forever.
9. In any case, and sorry to state the obvious, but this "friend" is out of your life forever. Zero contact, except if you’re lucky enough to live in a state where you could sue for alienation of affection. I’d ask his wife to insist he also has to inform all their families as well.
10. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCE ought you agree to R for at least a year. SO many betrayed, in a state of panic and bewilderment, agree quickly to R only to deeply regret that decision for the rest of their lives. A year would be the absolute minimum (imo of course) to see genuine proof of true remorse (defined as being devastated at the pain they caused YOU and not merely disliking the consequences their choices wrought), and to see sustained behavioral changes that support true remorse and true inner change. It IS true that SOME adulterers have truly changed and have now become "safe" in their relationships. YOU MUST KNOW THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE EXCEPTION TO THE RULE. By definition, adulterers are incredibly selfish, self-centered people. Such people will therefore be the least likely to reach the level of self-disgust required to truly change permanently. Many adulterers are good at white-knuckling good behavior for a period of time, as they desperately attempt to avoid the consequences of their choices. DON’T FALL FOR THAT. Your wife is now in save-her-ass mode, but that’s zero proof of true change. She will likely try to love-bomb you, and pull out all stops in the sex department. Up to you whether you want some of that, but at minimum, recognize what she’s doing for what it is: CYA and manipulation.
11. Tell her it’s ON HER to "fix this". You will NOT be feeding her books to read, therapists to work with, etc. If she doesn’t move heaven and earth ON HER OWN, if she’s not immediately willing to crawl across broken glass FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE, then there’s nothing to work with here, and you’d be infinitely better off going straight to D. Tell her you will be observing what she does to "fix this" (not that there’s ANYTHING she or anyone could do to fix this). Only say if you don’t see monumental action, and see it quick, it’s game over. If she assigns ANY blame for ANY of this to you, it’s game over. If she EVER asks "Are you not over this yet?", it’s game over. If she doesn’t immediately agree her work will be a LIFETIME PROCESS, it’s game over.
12. I would ask her to go live elsewhere, for at least a month. You likely can’t legally force her out, but you can ask. Such a separation gives you a better opportunity to recover, and to think more objectively. She’s going to be a direct trigger to you for the foreseeable future, so some space is crucial to get your bearings. If she refuses, proceed to file, and at least make her move to a spare bedroom or the couch. YOU didn’t defile the marriage bed - SHE DID.
These are the natural consequences for her actions. Again, they are NOT punishment. I can only urge you again, with all I have, how important it is for you to take a position of strength and an absolute intolerance for one more minute of abuse and disrespect.
Above all, KEEP POSTING!!! There’s absolute gold in the wisdom of many folks here. You don’t have to make the same mistakes so many others have committed! Learn from our failures!
[This message edited by gr8ful at 6:50 PM, Sunday, September 15th]