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General :
Does it hurt more if it happens again?

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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 6:54 PM on Wednesday, October 9th, 2024

It's absolutely gut wreching.

Because they saw your devastation, and didn't care enough not to do it again.

The first time they may not realize just how traumatizing it will be. The second time? They know. It's actually evil to do it again.

But you are what you did
And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive
The smallest man who ever lived..

posts: 6812   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8850661
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 10:17 PM on Wednesday, October 9th, 2024

It hit worse the 2nd time. Because all the while he was being a model spouse trying to repair our marriage all while underground with LTAP.

And I don't say that lightly - I didn't think anything could have hurt worse that the 1st.

The first time they may not realize just how traumatizing it will be. The second time? They know. It's actually evil to do it again.

HellFire for the win with that one.

I don't have nice things to say about your IC right now for putting such a notion in your head.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades-2 adult children. Multiple DDays w/same LAP until I told OBS 2018- Cease & Desist sent spring 2021 "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3907   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8850671
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ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 5:08 PM on Thursday, October 10th, 2024

I think I became so numb and in shock that I had been put through False R for 2 more years thinking we were reconciling that I completely shut down. My feelings never came back for xWS and I had no desire to save the M at that point. I actually became more toxic to my xWS after that. I just didn't care.

This is the part of the post-affair-landscape I really didn't realize would happen. After d-day 1, had WH still continue to be the fuckwit that he was, minus the continuance of the A (the moods, the defensiveness, all of it) I think I could have retained those feelings I had for him...the desire, the interest, all of it. Post d-day 2, after having a year of false-R/underground affair continuance it really did change my feelings for him. And I think that is all part of why after d-day 2 I felt worse, but it did not last like after d-day 1 - I KNEW I could not stay with him anymore as clearly he had no interest in refraining from kicking the shit out of me with his lies and BS. At that point I also did not care about offending him - the kid-gloves were off and I said some very heartfelt and nasty things and I could not be bothered with worrying about what he thought about them.

So now, after he's been in IC for 4 years, and over 5 years from d-day1 he really is so much different in the best of ways. Basically had he done this after d-day 1, stopped the A, and even with a year or two of him being a general ass and dragging his feet about working on himself, I think my feelings for him would be very different than they are now. Now, in our current dating scenario, it's okay.

I think false-R does this to a lot of BS....and the warning to WS who are thinking that they will get chance after chance after chance to continue with their behavior and still have a marriage to come back to:

Pre-a or even pre-d-day2, I did not want to think about my life without him in it - I would have "fought like hell" to keep our relationship/marriage. Now, even though he really is a much better partner than the guy I met, I enjoy our time together but life without him in it - And I can imagine it without much effort or sadness. I would be sad, and I would miss him, but I'd be okay. Like okay for sure.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 5:10 PM, Thursday, October 10th]

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

posts: 2492   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8850712
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