In the bottom of my core, I believe my ultimate goal is to reconcile with him.
I feel it in my soul and when I look at him and our children I still love him.
We talk about it quite often now, how he is now the best father and husband I have seen him be ever, I guess you could throw person in there too.
He has grown tremendously since D day and I know that is the man I want to be with, I would prefer to set fire to the man he was before but unfortunately they are one in the same.
You do sound rather detached from him, Groot. I think you are going to have to honestly search your heart about whether you want to try to re-bond with him. It’s risky business, either way.
It is such a rollercoaster that some days I feel crazy. Right after posting this we watched a movie together but he did respect my wishes to not cuddle up and we sat on opposite sides of the couch but we still talked about the movie and it was enjoyable. We both went to bed and he asked if he could hold my hand and we fell asleep.
I apologized this morning for having a bad day, for being so distant and he told me it wasn't necessary and thanked me for watching the movie, he put his phone on our counter and went to take his morning shower. To this day he still doesn't take his phone in the bathroom with him and I have never had to remind him. It was always a trigger for me, probably like much of you have too. I always smile in the morning when I see that because it shows he cares enough about my feelings and our healing, something so small means so much.
You are right Ink, it is extremely risky business, I can not make him stay on this path, he has to want to. He has to become even stronger than he is now and WANT to be a better person and that isn't my decision, he has to want it forever. No matter what we are all human and he has a history of shitty coping mechanisms (I haven't seen any since the A) so I do see growth but I am still on high alert for those signs.
Misery
I hope you can slowly start to give yourself some room to let the feelings in, and not punish your body too much with keeping busy to keep your mind off things. Easier said than done, I know. Wishing you better days.
Thank you for this, you all are so correct in the sense that I need to slow down, I need to breathe, and I need to find a way to cope that doesn't exhaust me, as you all know drinking was my go to and that is gone so I am left kind of scrambling, I am assuming that already prolonged my healing as is so this stage may be here for a while longer than I want it to. I will never be proud of that stage of my life but I will give myself some grace and realize that the trauma was just too big for me and at least now I realize that drinking isn't the answer and neither is running from it either.
User
One thing I’m learning is to take it slowly, one day at a time. If writing things down helps, then he can understand you better and you can see how he responds to that. If that goes well then you could maybe move on to setting aside one night a week or something where you spend time together just the two of you (if that’s possible for you) and then the want to spend time with him might grow. If not, then it might be time to consider your options and what you really want.
YES. We do spend at least a day every few weeks together alone, whether it be on the couch, dinner , movie, or even counseling i guess for that matter. We both have made it a point to put each other first, I think I need to just breathe and let my guard down just a little because some days the walls feel like mountains, for some reason it is so hard for me to really see this man in front of me for who he is now. He is soft, he is patient, he is in touch with his emotions, he loves his kids, he is learning to love himself, and he is head over heels for me..
Some days I look at him and I see that and then other days I see a monster or I see her.
My end goal is to forgive him. I don't think I have to forgive him for the act so to speak or to forgive him for his actions but I can forgive him for being human. I think in my heart I can forgive him for not getting help for his addictions, being selfish to fill a void, and for following the same shitty behaviors as his father, because hey, I had some too.
That is how i try to reframe my forgiveness, I need to forgive somewhere for my own health, I need to start to heal and I know for a fact now, his A had NOTHING to do with me, it had everything to do with himself and his own pain.
In order for me to trust him again to be any part of my life I have to start forgiving myself too for not seeing things for what they were, for the codependency, for ignoring the signs, and for staying when he didn't deserve me in the past. All of those things I am working through, there are just so so so many layers.
OK, sorry for the book but my feelings are flooding at 7am