SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am WP.I have been severely unfaithful to my BP of 8 years. It has been 3 and half weeks since I tried to confess my infidelities, but because of being a compulsive liar, being a coward and being selfish, I couldn't tell the complete truth until 5 days ago. But even then I still tried to justify things, sugarcoat my mistakes and downplay the severity of it all. Being so pathetic. Given so many chances by my BP to come clean. And I let it go to waste. I regret everything so much and desperately wish I could redo everything. Wish I did not hurt my BP like that and been a whole person from the start. I have cheated on my BP 8 times since the start of our relationship. I wanted to come clean, although I tried, I couldn't spill all my indescretions until 2 weeks after telling them about my recent affair and they found out about two of them after I confessed about the recent one (I gave him access to my social media, as an effort to try and be transparent) and prior to confessing about it all. I have hurt and killed the one person that really and truly cared about me for once in my miserable life. I have only fuelled those thoughts that I am unworthy, that all I do is destroy and that I am the worst kind of human that exists. That a human such as myself doesn't deserve to exist. I've been trying to live with myself, but nothing seems to be working. I've been doing therapy, taking medication and writing in my journal, but each day feels like death. I know I deserve to feel this way, but I feel that for everyone's sake, my BP, my family and my friends that they would all be better off without my burdening existence. I'm not looking for sympathy or empathy. I don't deserve any. I know that. And I know people say you can fix yourself and you can get better, that ending it is not a solution and only the easy way out. But all I've ever brought people is destruction and pain. No matter how much I try to be a good person. I have only done harm. And with my fucked up background there's very little chance of fixing things. That I've tried to rely on hope and it has never worked. That no matter how much I think about it, I don't think I could ever trust myself and that I shouldn't becasue I don't want to cause harm to anyone else. So thank you for hearing my words. I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger and disappointed I couldn't prove people wrong. I'm sorry I let my family down, I sorry I hurt my BP. I'm sorry I could never forgive myself. Because how could someone that has done such things to somebody so pure be worthy of living.

First of all, welcome to SI. I’m glad you found your way here.

I get the pain you’re feeling right now. The days/months after my A was over were some of the darkest of my life. I came very close to following through with offing myself, wrongly thinking that everyone would be better off without me.

But that’s just another lie we tell ourselves. You can right your ship. You can fix yourself. Perhaps not your relationship with your SO but you can become a better version of yourself.

Please don’t stay in this mindset of "You're the biggest piece of shit that ever walked" because you’re not. You’re just another flawed cheater. Take a deep breath and sit with it. But also know you have value and can become a good person. It’s going to be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done but you can come out the other side of this.

I saw you mentioned you’re in IC, do they know how to deal with infidelity? Do they hold you accountable or allow you to make excuses for it? A good IC can be vital to your recovery so long as they hold your feet to the fire.

Please contact a suicide help line if you’re serious about harming yourself. I guarantee you the world is a better place with you in it.

@ff4152
How did you manage to get through this? How did you get through the guilt?
I've tried helplines and even have a crisis team, but still feel the same shitty way. And really hate how fucked up I am and that I hurt and damaged somebody so incredible, somebody that truly loved me for once and that I truly loved.
I'm finding that with my IC it's a bit of a jumbled mess, we keep jumping from the present to my past experiences and each session is on something different. Also, I don't have a lot of finances at the moment, so am not able to afford IC this week, so trying to process some of this myself through here.

C&B

If you’re serious about changing, I can tell you that the early days/months are going to suck ass. It’s going to be some of the most painful shit you’ve ever dealt with. But if you mean it, you will come out the other side.

My first recommendation is to read, read, read. I spent countless hours reading the stories here, particularly in JFO. Like many before me, I never really understood how devastating infidelity is. It is tough reading to be sure. One of biggest issues most WS have is a severe lack of empathy. We are so selfish that we never really stop and think about what our actions will do to others. We only care about our happiness. In JFO, you get a front row seat and see how awful it is.

Next, try and put yourself in other peoples shoes. How does you doing this or that impact those around you. I’m not just talking about cheating, but everything. I never used to do that with my wife; I was in my own little bubble and as long as MY needs were met, all was right in the world. Everyone else came second.

The other thing is stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop with the "I’m a piece of shit and I suck" way of thinking. It does no good and keeps you mired in the mud. I’m certainly not suggesting that you aren’t accountable for what you’ve done. But you can acknowledge that you did some really shitty things. The key is recognizing that and changing the behavior. Own up to what you’ve done and do better.

I know this feels really overwhelming right now. But you can get through this. Your relationship with your SO may be over but you need to build a new one with yourself.

Welcome to SI,

My first point of advise is to breath. Take in your surroundings and acknowledge you have made some awful choises. You have hurt the person you are supposed to love more than anything in the world. You did this and now comes that hard work. Stick with SI and you will get support.

My second bit of advise, actually listen to what is being said on here. I would recommend readin every reply at least three times and try to see what is being said. You will get help on here on what to do and what to to do. Please try and follow the advise. I came on here looking for a simple and easy fix to help my BS "get over it". I did not want to nor did I feel the need to look into myself. I read words on a screen and chose to ignore them as they did not "fit" into what I chose to see as a way forward. I wasted years of R (recovery or reconciliation) acting selfishly and ignoring advise.

Thirdly, as advised above, thinking "I am a piece of shit and do not deserve to live" is really not going to help you move forward into a safe partner for your BS. It does not help them see you are making effort and is likely to keep you in shame spirals for a long time. I know it’s hard and it is not something that happens without work with a good IC. You are in a dark place and getting out of this is different for everyone on here. Some, like me, needed to hit a point where they could no longer live as they were. Others find empathy a lot quicker and make a decision to change a lot earlier. Read other posts or some of the bios of the longer term posters on here. We have all been where you are. I am still on the journey to self discovery and dealing with my own emotions so I can only offer support that it can be done but does take a lot of effort. It is not going to happen by magic but it does come.

Read the book "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda MacDonald. I short book and good for someone in the early stages of infidelity. Again, it is full of advice with you need to follow to help both you and your BS through the hurt you have inflicted on yourselves.

Work on empathy and use this to drive yourself forwards. It is easy to put yourself in your partners shoes. I did, did not like how I felt and chose to avoid responsibility. This is damaging to both you and BS. When you feel like shit (you will and you should) you need to use this feeling to drive positive change. I did not do this for many years and still struggle with feeling sorry for myself.

The advice you get on here and the challenges you will receive are sent with compassion. People are not attacking you when they call you out on some obvious bullshit. Please try to remember this should it happen.

Keep posting, keep reading and breath. Research into CBT as this has a lot of techniques on negative self talk or finding true empathy. It is hard and cannot be done half assed (trust me been there done that). Hopefully you will get responses from others WS further down the road than I am.

Thank you for your replies. I have kept re-reading them along with other posts and I am no longer suicidal, but I still can't eat or sleep properly. I know and accept I've done so much wrong to my BP. But I keep regarding myself as despicable, because what I did is. To have let it go for 8 years and live with msyelf, I don't understand how I could and am struggling to now. I feel numb physically. I know what I did and after so much thinking and writing to know my whys I really hate myself for what I did. I keep thinking about how much my BP is hurting and how much I'm hurting is nothing compared to him. That I deserve hell. That I wish I could take all his pain and heartbreak for what I did. That I regret so much everything I did, but am relieved to finally be honest for once in my miserable life. I also wanted to ask, did you tell other people about what you did, the details to all your close friends?

Hello Blackheart1147,

It is a great thing that you found SI. I am fairly new to it, too and I can say that the advice, wisdom and empathy shared by both WSs and BSs is unparalleled.

I am glad to hear that you are no longer having suicidal thoughts. I would be lying if I said I didn't feel - and still do at times - all the things you have described. The shame and the guilt become so huge that they completely blind us, keeping us from seeing a way out of the pain and the self-hatred. There have been times when I've truly felt in my core that if it weren't for my kids I didn't know where I would be now - and I have NEVER had any suicidal tendencies. But I want you to think for a moment, if you believe that you have done things to hurt the people you love along the way, what do you think taking your life would do to them? The only way out should be to go through these emotions, no matter how painful. It is a hell of a ride, but it is possible! I want you to know that you DO have the capacity of changing who you are as a person, you do have the opportunity to take your old ways, throw them out the window and develop new ways of being that align to who your authentic - not traumatized! - self is.

My first recommendation is to read, read, read.

I couldn't agree more with that statement. Read whatever you can on infidelity, on self help and read everything you can on this site. You will get so much knowledge around these things, you will find compassion, harsh truths, ways to cope, to heal and, at the same time, you will keep your mind occupied enough to help it stay away from the shame spirals.

As for your question, yes, I did tell my closest friends what I did, but maybe that is a subjective thing. Personally, I wanted them to know who I truly am - good and bad - and I also wanted them to know the pain I inflicted on my BS - to me, not telling them felt like another form of betrayal.

I wish you lots of healing and inner peace.

[This message edited by Mage at 2:09 PM, Wednesday, December 4th]

Hello,

I too had months of black days. Please hang on, it can and does get better. You are inherently worthy and devinely loved. You have made some very bad decisions, and the best thing you can do is dive into why, become more self aware and as a result do better moving forward. Take it day by day - and do your best to start changing the way you think and behave to match the person you want to become.

You are lying to yourself about people being better off without you. The pain can be so great that it’s hard to focus on anything else. But that state is holding you back from being who you need to be for yourself and others.

You are redeemable. Regardless of the outcome of this situation. In fact, there is great opportunity for you to grow exponentially from the things you have done. My mental state today is the best it has ever been. I have learned how to cope with life, how to be less avoidant, and even more importantly I have learned to embrace my imperfect self and to value myself enough to keep suffering to a minimum. It will not happen over night, but it will happen if you do not give up.

I liked the books:

"The power of now" by Eckhardt Tolle- it helped me learn the ways I was increasing my own suffering

"When things fall apart" by Pema Chadron- she is amazing at explaining how to use our downfall as a building block for a better journey.

And "rising strong’ by brene brown. It was this book that illuminated why guilt and shame hold us back from being vulnerable and brave and helped me learn to create true meaningful connections in my relationships. All of them. It was a game changer for me.

I know it’s hard to focus on anything right now, but if you can at least read those in small spurts with consistency you will find that you are able to see your way to a better place.

I was right where you were sitting 7 years ago. I am so glad I did not give up when I desperately wanted to. I want you to get there too. Keep posting, we care that you find your way to peace and overcoming this stage of your journey. You are a human being and we all fail in different ways. Try to focus instead on how you can make it right and keep moving forward.

Please keep posting and keep going. It will get better it will take some time.