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It has been a month since my DDay and attempt to end it all. Like what some have advised here - my BS is in a rollercoaster of emotions. He would be upset and mean to me at one point, and suddenly he would be say that he believes I am still a good person deep inside.

At the moment, my driving force to get up and fix myself is the fact that I believe this would also help him. As selfish as I had been, I would like to be able to at least help him heal. I am hoping we can still reconcile, but if my presence is not helping, I will understand and move on.

Now he wants to do some solo travels and explore which I fully support. His first trip will be in Europe for a week and he mentioned that he is meeting someone who fancies him (this will be their first time to meet as they know each other from a mobile game). At first the green eyed monster ruled me, but eventually I helped him prep for the trip. He keeps saying that he is going there to find himself, but I cannot help but think of the probable reason he chose this place out of all countries.

Recently though, he has been quite frisky and we had sex a couple of times. I have to say, our intercourse has never been this wild and hot. He cannot bear to kiss me still though. And most times he does not want us to sleep in the same bed.

I am uncertain how I should act now. I told him it would be best to have IC before making any decisions (as there are times he really wants a divorce). I promised him that I will not leave him until he has healed or at least moved on. However, does this include being intimate and physical?

Any advice would be appreciated, thanks.

[This message edited by OrientalWitch at 1:03 AM, Wednesday, November 27th]

OrientalWitch, I wish I had advice for this situation but I just don't. It sounds like he's coping as best he can and he might do that badly. The intimacy question is difficult. I think it's messy. It was messy for me too. Keep working on yourself. How is that going?

attempt to end it all

What does this mean? Did you attempt suicide or do you mean end the relationship?

Thank you for replying to my post, Pippin.
It has been a few weeks since he got back from his trip and things have been a wee bit better for us. There is still the rollercoaster of emotions and I do not know when he would have a sudden trigger which changes his mood throughout the day.

I feel like I am doing well in getting better. Whenever I get the low mood and bad thoughts, I will remind myself that I need to get up and do something otherwise nothing will change. I am also kind of focusing on helping my BS get better. I told him I will be supportive with whatever he decides to do but he should not decide now while he is not okay yet. Whenever he gets in a mood, I will try to refocus his thoughts and remind him that he is not alone and that he will come out of this stronger than ever. I see how much trauma I have caused him and I honestly really want to help him.

Is there any way to help him minimise or eliminate the triggers? It comes so unexpectedly which catches both of us off guard.

I did try to end my life and was brought to the hospital by my friend who visited the night of. I am better now though, and no more thoughts. Xx

Hi OrientalWitch,

I am better now though, and no more thoughts.

I am very glad to hear this. How did you learn better coping?

Is there any way to help him minimise or eliminate the triggers? It comes so unexpectedly which catches both of us off guard.

Can you reframe this thinking? Imagine he has a mountain of pain. Sometimes you can deal with a teaspoon of pain in a controlled, manageable way, at IC or MC or during conversations between the two of you. He can say something that you take in non-defensively, you can comfort him in the ways that you have learned are helpful to him, etc. That is good, but you won't reduce a mountain of pain a teaspoonful at a time very effectively. So sometimes there are avalanches of pain, and that's the triggered pain. The trigger might help him face something he would otherwise avoid dealing with, and it will be more than he might consciously welcome in the more controlled settings. The good thing about the trigger (not that it's good in and of itself but given the task you two have to do it is good) is that you will deal with a whole lot of pain and pain that he might have been avoiding. The mountain of pain gets reduced much more through a big trigger that is dealt with compassionately and nondefensively, it reduced that mountain in a significant way. Of course, triggers are difficult because you thought you were going to go to the movies but now you are going to change plans on a dime and deal with it, or you thought today was going to be a peaceful weekend day for the two of you to connect but actually you're in the middle of intense difficulty. So when it comes, try to welcome it as a friend that is helping you, not something to minimize or avoid.

At 6+ years out, my husband very occasionally has triggers. Twice a year? There is less pain overall, but what is there is deeper and more fundamental, and often has something to do with his FOO. Some aspect of the affair is the trigger but there's actually more underneath, there's a reason a certain aspect of the affair was particularly painful to him given his history, temperament, early relationships, etc. Of course when it happens it's not pretty, it's uncomfortable, and I'd rather be doing basically anything else, but it always draws us closer and helps him live a more whole life in a very fundamental way.

[This message edited by Pippin at 7:32 PM, Friday, December 13th]