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My WS has asked me to decide very soon whether or not I want to continue trying to R or separate.

For some background, he has a ONS at the beginning of the year, I found out a few days later, and things have obviously been very up and down since then. We are very different people, and I often wonder if maybe we just weren’t very compatible from the start.
He cheated while working away, I have asked him multiple times now to quit/take a break from that job as I’m struggling with it and he has said no every time. He has made some concessions around the job in regards to his behaviour, but ultimately the trust has gone and those small concessions are not enough to put my mind at ease. I have had quite bad anxiety and depression for the last two months in particular. I’m finding it hard to function. There is still love there on both sides and he doesn’t want to leave, and when I initially asked him to leave right after DDay, he begged to come back.

Now, he’s said he’s struggling with the not knowing what’s going to happen, feels constantly on edge that I’m going to kick him out at any minute, and just wants me to make a decision. This is coming after another request that he stop working away for a while, which he’s refused.

The problem I’m having is that I am 90% sure that the best thing for both of us right now, is to separate. It is not working, we are constantly butting heads and can’t make sense of the way the other one thinks or feels. While I feel I’m entitled to lay down what may appear to be extreme boundaries right now, he feels that his actions don’t give me the ‘right’ to tell him what to do. (I’m not telling him what to do, I’m expressing my feelings and discomfort with things that he does).

How did you get the courage to call it quits? If I take myself out of this and look at it from above, obviously we should separate. It’s been almost a year, we’re not getting anywhere, I have nothing else to give him right now. It makes sense.
But I just feel so guilty about actually pulling the plug. I feel like I’ve tried my best, but I can’t live like this, so what other choice do I have.

I just can’t get over the guilt of being the one to say ‘I’m out’ and the fear that I will regret not trying or that things will be worse. My brain and my heart are having a full on battle and I feel like I’m just standing in the middle not sure what side to take, getting hit from all angles.

Feeling for you and hoping you can be gentle with yourself in a very difficult situation. My story is different, but I'm wrestling with many of the same questions you are.

It sounds like you've done all you can and tried your very best for a year, even with a WS who doesn't sound like he is doing his part. You mention being worried about the guilt of being the one to call it quits, and I wonder if you can reframe this as being the one with the wisdom and the strength to say "this isn't working." It sounds like you've been incredibly resilient in the face of this challenge.

I also wonder about what decision you might actually be making. Deciding to separate is a distinct decision from deciding to divorce - separation might be the first step on the path to divorce, but it might also be the step that causes your WS to truly change his mindset and behavior. My point is to take the decisions one at a time. Separating could give you the distance and space to figure out for yourself what you truly want and need, and it might help you find greater clarity around what needs to happen next.

It sounds like you've done all you can and tried your very best for a year, even with a WS who doesn't sound like he is doing his part. You mention being worried about the guilt of being the one to call it quits, and I wonder if you can reframe this as being the one with the wisdom and the strength to say "this isn't working." It sounds like you've been incredibly resilient in the face of this challenge.

I can't express how much that helped to hear (or read), Arnold01. Thank you.

We are not actually married. We've been together a very long time and have three children though. When I say separate, I mean end the relationship for good. At this point, I don't think anything I can do will make him change and I think I'm all out of energy to keep trying. I don't think he feels like he should have to change anymore than he has. I'm very sad about the situation, but I feel like there really is nothing else I can do now.

Thanks for your support.

I have asked him multiple times now to quit/take a break from that job as I’m struggling with it and he has said no every time.

This is just one of the things you have stated would help you feel safe; and he flat out refuses. This speaks volumes.

I just can’t get over the guilt of being the one to say ‘I’m out’ and the fear that I will regret not trying or that things will be worse.

- You can not R alone.

- Many folks on here found a S provided much clarity for both of them.

What help have you guys been getting to help you navigate? IE are you and/or your WS in IC?

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 1:12 PM, Thursday, December 5th]

You should not feel guilty in any way.

You did not cheat, he did.

You have asked for reasonable things, he has refused.

You have shared your feelings. He’s done very little to address them, based on what you have shared.

You feel guilty because HE is making you feel guilty. Most cheaters have a completely different mindset about what happens after Dday. They believe they can make some minor changes and life goes back to the way it was before the affair.

Unfortunately it just not work that way. The marriage or relationship has been hit by an explosion and it takes time — a long time to sort through the rubble and pick up the pieces.

Consider some professional counseling for yourself. It can help you sort through this situation and help you to make some decisions. It definitely helped me face reality when I was on the brink of D. It saved my sanity to know that while I didn’t want a D, I had to accept that it was coming (at dday2).

I would start the D process. The thing is once they are served there are still months and months in that process. Serving papers and starting the process will do two things. 1. It will give you a sense of power in the hopelessness and powerlessness, I personally really needed that feeling. 2. It will show them that you are serious and things, real things, are beginning to change. Once they are served if they beg or act aloof just know to say I will not stop this process but I will evaluate us as this goes on and at the end maybe we can stop it. From there just see how they respond to the whole situation when they are now threatened not you and decide from there. Yes if you cancel you will have wasted the money to file, BUT if that is what wakes them up worth it, and if that is how you work your way to accepting leaving and freedom that’s also a win. What did not work at all for me was sitting there begging and hoping and trying to do whatever I could to make it work when they thought that I would never leave no matter what I said. People that cheat tend to do so when they devalue their partner in their minds, often unknowingly, which can in fact cause them to see you as a weak unattractive whatever. They need to be woken up, and you need to have some some reassurance that you can make the choice for yourself if they don’t act right and really genuinely change.

Just saw that you aren’t married. Same process but with separation. It still applies, they need a wake up call.

You're the prize. As a BS, I'd expect my WSo to do everything honest and loving to win me back. Instead your WSo seems to be detached as to the outcome. He'll stick around if you toe his line. But How does your doing that repair your relationship? How does your changing affect him, other than by rug-sweeping.

Instead of recognizing that he needs to change, he's demanding that you change. Instead of showing that your relationship is his highest priority, he's chosen his job over you, and he's angry that you're not good with that.

I spent 4 years as a road warrior. I know the rewards. I could easily have buried whores in my expense accounts. I really enjoyed working with and mentoring attractive young women and working for attractive female clients. I know the temptations your WSo had to deal with, and he failed to deal with them well - but he won't change.

I agree with Arnold.

I think separation may serve you well.

I also think you should go ahead with the separation. You have expressed ad nauseam what you need to feel safe in the relationship. He hasn't done any of it and makes you feel bad for even requesting it in the first place. Sounds like he just wants to rugsweep and for you to just get over it.

How did you get the courage to call it quits?

I had to stop banging my head against the wall. I stayed in limbo far too long with an unremorseful WS. My xWS was never going to change and I was not healing. One day the pain of staying became more than the pain of leaving. I finally found my courage and never looked back. It was the best decision and right decision for me. I have not regret it once since I've left. I do struggle now financially but that is probably the only downside.

I agree with the others. Separation sounds like your best course of action. He is stonewalling you and daring you to separate. This is the cruelest part of infidelity. After cheating your WBF is counting on your good nature. He expects you to do the heavy lifting to end the relationship because of HIS cheating. Very cowardly if you ask me. You have done all you could. He cheated. He is not remorseful. Time to end your pain and move out of infidelity. How old are your children? If they are young, he will be paying child support. Make sure you have your legal bases covered.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:17 AM, Thursday, December 5th]

All of your replies are very much appreciated, thank you.

I've been taking some time to think it all over. I think I'm accepting that separation is the only way forward. I'm not worried about the financial/living aspects. I'm worried about the emotional aspects.

I tried to consider different things we could do to continue working on the relationship, but every time I thought about the work trips he has booked for next year, I felt like my whole body froze and my brain was shouting no. I don't see any other way forward now.

Sometimes I find myself wishing I had ended it on DDay, but in a way I'm thankful everything happened the way it did. I may have regretted not trying if I had asked him to leave immediately. Now I know I did everything in my power and it wasn't enough. I tried my best, even though I wasn't the one who failed the relationship.

I am feeling a bit lost as it's so close to Christmas though. He will have to stay here while he looks for somewhere else to live anyway, and I should probably tell him soon so he can get started on that, but I feel like Christmas will be hard going this year. Terrible timing, but maybe we can go into the new year starting our own separate journeys.

But I just feel so guilty about actually pulling the plug. I feel like I’ve tried my best, but I can’t live like this, so what other choice do I have.

I just can’t get over the guilt of being the one to say ‘I’m out’ and the fear that I will regret not trying or that things will be worse.

You have nothing to feel guilty about! I agree that reframing this thought might be helpful. For me, since kicking out XH on Dday one of my greatest sources of comfort has been the strength and courage I showed in taking care of myself, even when absolutely devastated. It's been a reminder that I'm capable of making hard decisions, even ones I don't want to make, if I need to do so to take care of myself. If I can get through that, I can get through anything!

I suggest reframing your thinking.

You most definitely can continue to live this way - you choose not to, because you deserve better.

You are not breaking up the relationship and family. Your WSo is doing that by choosing his traveling over his family.

Etc., etc., etc.

Well it looks like he’s made the decision for me.
It’s his last night away for work for the year. He called at 11pm but not from his hotel like he usually does, said he was taking a walk around the block before heading to bed. I got paranoid afterwards that he was calling from outside because he wasn’t at the hotel and he was staying out so I text him saying that. The message delivered but he didn’t read it. I called him five minutes later, didn’t answer. It had been like 15 minutes since our original phone call, there’s no way he got up to his room, settled into bed and fell asleep within that time. I text him again after no answer and the message didn’t deliver. Called him again, his phone is off.

Feeling pretty confident that he is currently out at a bar somewhere, even though the agreement is that he doesn’t do that anymore while working away. No doubt I won’t hear from him tomorrow and he’ll either admit it or tell me some bullshit lies. It says he was online on Facebook five minutes after my first message delivered so I’m guessing he saw it and ignored. This is classic behaviour from him.

I will probably struggle to sleep tonight, but I guess one final lie like this will take away most of the guilt I was feeling about wanting to separate, a final reminder that he can not be trusted and does not care how I feel sitting at home while he ignores me and does something he’s not supposed to be doing.

And there’s more, of course.
Still no word. Got into his email, tried logging into his insta and he’s changed his password. Managed to get into it with access to his email.
There’s a new woman on his blocked list, checked the account and she’s from one of the places he’s travelled to recently for work. The only other person on his blocked list is the woman he had the ONS with.

I am well and truly done. Trying to remain calm but the rage is setting back in and I can’t even take it out on him because his phone is still off. I could scream.

Scream away! I used to go out to my car and scream until I was hoarse. So sorry torturedpoet. I know you wanted a different outcome. It doesn't sound like he's regretful, let alone working on being remorseful for hurting you so badly.

Well it looks like he’s made the decision for me.

when this stuff popped up during that time for me; I took it as signs of the path I needed to follow.

You were already leaning in one direction at this fork in the road. This is letting you know that he is not going to give what you need to R right now.

So it turned out there were reasonable explanations behind all of it, which I won't go into here, but they have been backed up with proof (texts, screenshots, etc.).
However, I said I've had enough and I can't continue like this and I think we should separate.
But then he started asking questions beginning with 'If I did quit my job...', so now it seems like he's considering it?
I don't know. I've said my piece either way, and said that I can't live like this anymore, so if he wants to continue the way he has been then after Christmas I'd like him to move out.
I'm just going to try to get through Christmas now, and hopefully start the year afresh, whether he quits his job and stays, or doesn't and leaves.

So now he’s "maybe considering" changing jobs.

Does it really change anything? IMO it doesn’t.

You just went through a night of worry and anger etc over his behavior. Innocent or not you don’t feel he’s trustworthy.

So even if he changes his job — does he suddenly become trustworthy? Only you know the answer to that.

He didn't consider it for long, he's not quitting his job.

He's asked me to think about it for another day, I said I didn't need to because I've thought of nothing else for months.
Every time I think about what else he could possibly do to make me feel better, I think about how I feel when he's away or when there's a work trip coming up and I just think no, I can't.

I still have some feelings of guilt, but I'm trying to remind myself that he did this, I tried to fix it (which I really didn't have to), it didn't work, and he wasn't willing to do anymore. I feel like I've been backed into a corner and the only way out is for us to separate, so I guess that is what we will be doing.