SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We are 14 months post DDay. My WS is one of those who has done everything" right" - full disclosure ( 3 months prostitutes) , IC, reading, online courses, supposedly being transparent although Im not big on spending my energy tracking him or even monitoring him 24/7. I do occasionally pick up his iPad. Maybe 6 times in 14 months. Some of you may recall in Oct (early) I found a bunch of lingerie shopping on his iPad. About 10 open tabs and nothing crazy just little chemise gowns etc….which I never wear and if he thought about it- am not interested. This was definitely for HIM but I do believe he was trying to shop for me ( he has bought me a few things before which I dont wear and frustrated me because that is not who I am). That was a HUGE drama and "trigger" for me…lots of apologies, acknowledgement of my feelings etc. NOW he has been hiding his IPad for 2 months. Under the couch in his office, under the cushions, etc. at first I ignored it but when I confronted him- again he is remorseful saying it was stupid but he 1. Didn’t want me to get triggered, then he said 2. He was CHristmas shopping for me……….then that he was shopping in general. Im stuck with feeling so awful and my nervous system freaking out and then thinking Im overreacting and its not that big of a deal. Thing is even without the infidelity- in our 26 yr marriage I overlooked a lot. His early years partying when away on business, just his "party boy" persona in general while I was the dutiful mom (we lived overseas for years- no support system) So these little things are now adding up and Im just tired of it. I dont want a divorce but Im not sure Ill ever trust or feel the same way about him…..Im sick of the BS. :( but wondering if Im seeking perfection and he is doing the work with these "little" (?) slip ups. Everytime he is gutted. He says he is working on it with his therapist and his childhood trauma ( which is real). Just tired of crying and feeling bad and taking the high road.

I completely understand. In my case I was the one traveling and my wife used the freedom my absence gave her to pursue a love interest. To be fair to her, I haven't always been as supportive as I should have been. While I never strayed, I did have a flirtation with a neighbor 17 years ago. That incident was never really resolved and I minimized it when I shouldn't have. I have admitted how wrong I was and the betrayal over that relationship. I understand that in her eyes, my flirting and her sexual relationship with another man are equivalent. While I don't see it that way I do understand that betraying a spouse is just that - betraying a spouse.

When I first found out about the affair I looked inward. What failings of mine got her to this point? Like most imperfect people, it didn't take me long to come up with a laundry list. That said, if she really wanted out of the marriage she should have just gone down that path but the reality is that path leading to the end of a relationship isn't always clearly marked.

She had reached a point in her life where she simply didn't need me and sadly, didn't want me. Our kids are grown and gone, she had her beach condo and there was plenty of money within her reach. She has a circle of friends and activities in the beach community which further reinforces her independence.

I am working towards reconciliation, I am making the time to participate in all the activities she enjoys that I had been less than enthusiastic about over the years. To the extent possible, I have eliminated the things in my life she objected to. I still have my motorcycles but I don't ride with the "old group" anymore. I actually haven't ridden one in months.

We can all use a little work but is saving a relationship at the cost of abandoning who you are and the things you enjoy worth it?

I wake up every day waiting to hear "I told you at the start that I didn't need or want you anymore and despite your best efforts, none of that's changed". I may be irrational dwelling on what may never transpire but the reality is that everything that's happened since discovering the affair (banking, investments, houses etc.) have made it easier to part ways, not more difficult.

I don't have any advice because I'm only a bit ahead of you (16 months out) but I wanted to know I hear you. I feel so much of the same as you describe. I keep coming back here and seeing people mention 2-5 years and I'm just waiting/hoping to feel different/better/clarity something other than shitty. I'm so sorry you are hear

It’s been 8.5 years now of healing, but I definitely had the feelings you do.

In fact, I did turn to my wife about 2-years in and told her that all her work wasn’t going to be enough to save us. We went through the next few days preparing for the end of the M (me packing up, etc) and something weird happened. My wife kept trying anyway. She was kind to me anyway. And then I decided to see what a few more days of us simply being nice to each other would be like, would feel like. Now, we just do that every day ever since then.

Something about the letting go somehow pushed me along to allowing one more day and another.

But I so relate to absolutely hating the fight or flight mode I was stuck in, and hating the A (I still do, but from a healthy distance).

Ultimately, if you’re done, you’re done. Nothing wrong with that either!

We can all use a little work but is saving a relationship at the cost of abandoning who you are and the things you enjoy worth it?

A relationship requires giving up some of what one wants some of the time, but I'm with my W because I believe I'm a better me with her than without her. (That may not be true, but I believe it is.)

If you think you have to abandon who you are, what are you getting in return? Are you getting fair value? If not, why stay?

Something that every WS needs to understand is that the BS does not want to be surprised by anything, good or bad, in the aftermath of an A, and that hiding anything is a red flag that can cause the BS to spin out. STOP HIDING THINGS, DUDE.

Also, I think I'd tell my H to never shop for or buy lingerie for me. I don't want it and, if I do, I'll buy it or we can shop together.

I do agree that shopping for "toys" and lingerie is a team activity. Not only can it be fun but it avoids the awkward "were you planning on using that on yourself" reaction when you pull that bizarre rubbery gizmo out of the bag;)

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond

@lessthinking "

I'm just waiting/hoping to feel different/better/clarity something other than shitty.

Exactly how I feel

@SacredSOul133 -exactly! He was buying it for a weekend away for an event in NYC…the last thing Ill ever do is wear lingerie and be intimate in a hotel ( which was his infidelity- prostitutes in high end hotels). I may even ask for separate rooms

[This message edited by SatyaMom at 9:37 PM, Thursday, December 5th]

At the end of the day, we have to ask ourselves if staying brings more positive in our lives than leaving. This may be as good as it gets for him. Are you ok with that? If you are, then you can probably get past some of the smaller actions as long as he isn't cheating or on the slippery slope of cheating with disrespectful actions. If you're not OK with his actions, that's OK too. But you're doing yourself a disservice by staying even a little longer if you're not OK. FWIW, it would be a complete dealbreaker if I gave someone grace and their behavior started slipping back into shady territory, like hiding their devices. It's ok to not be ok with his behavior. It's also ok to be ok with it. Just be honest with yourself. If this is as good as he gets, can you see yourself in 10 or 20 years with it?