SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Here the truth:

1. I’m just sharing to get it off my chest in a safe place, hopefully. I am hoping that this story may have similar cases. It hurts to think this is the worse and I will be the only person on the entire plant who dealt with this situation.

So, in 2016, I had my first miscarriage. My husband was neglected and I was depressed. He would have committed his first offense right before moving to Hawaii. Safe sex, thank goodness.

In Hawaii, from 2017-2022, he wouldn’t do it again for about a year. I got pregnant by the end of 2017. Two months, before my son was born, he would commit his second offense with an escort. (It’s not bad , yet)

After having my son, I come to learned that he would be on Festish website and on the escort websites . He would commit upwards to 20 offenses during this time. In addition, he went back home and hung out with an old friend twice. Which I learned during those times, protection was not involved. He states he always used protection every other time , especially with an escort.

Then, three years go by and he claims that he believes nothing happened during that time. He got very busy, but it is possible that he could have happened 1-3 times ( unsure). I’ll count it as a nothing to make myself feel better.

We leave that location, back to family and fixing our lives to transition out the military (yup! You read that right). So, now , I finally start my career. I find out within the 1 year and half ,he had been out of the military, and I’ve been taken care of everything, that another 5-10 more offenses would happen. Last times, He did it in May, paused for summer because of family reasons. Then did it again in September.

My D-day was November 16th. He did tell me basics . It’s been like an onion and I got tired of peeling one layer at a time, so he is figuring out how many times and everything else I should know. He claims is a sec addiction.

As of right now, he is doing the small things I have asked. He is not looking at pornography. He states he realizes he is about to lose me. He cries a lot.

This is the first half of the story , I need to reveal because the aftermath is really scaring mee.

I want to add this half because , I truly need help with my emotions and if anyone can give me tips.

I’ve been truly "happy", the lady down stairs wants it daily, three times a day. So, the first time happened fairly quickly (four days later)

and it was constant- almost every day. I’m about 29, so maybe it’s that. I did have him leave yesterday, but I am not controlling my urges well. Pleasing myself is NOT enough. Please help me not falling into a vicious cycle because I know it’s not healthy. Share tips!

Update: 12/17

I’m four weeks pregnant. Which is just amazing within itself, only because I have PCOS. Why now? I couldn’t explain why. Am I thinking this is too much , yes! Taken day by day. Have gotten some helpful tips. At the point of just watching and waiting.

[This message edited by Helloandbekind at 10:18 PM, Tuesday, December 17th]

Welcome to SI and sorry that infidelity has been part of your life. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. There are also some posts with bull's eye icons that are very helpful. The Healing Library is full of great material, too.

You may wish to see your doctor for STD/STI tests. There are some really nasty diseases out there that can turn into cancer. If you're having trouble with depression or sleeping, ask for meds to help you through for the short-tem.

Please find a betrayal trauma IC (individual counselor)...and bonus points if they have infidelity experience. Your WH (wayward husband) needs his own IC to work on his whys and how to become a safe partner. He has a lot of work to do. He's a serial cheater and they are rarely good candidates for R (reconciliation) because they won't do the work to change into a safe partner.

One thing that you may hear about is hysterical bonding (HB). Usually the pleasing is done with your partner, but maybe you're just keeping the HB to yourself. HB usually ends after a while. (It's different for everybody.) To keep yourself distracted, you could go for walks, go hit balls at a golf range, hit the batting cages, or go to a rage room.

Also, we talk about the emotional rollercoaster. It can pick you up for a ride and fling you all over the place. This is to be expected.

Only a certified sexual addiction therapist (C-SAT) can diagnose a sexual addiction (SA). There is another counselor called Lundy Bancroft who works with abusers and he thinks people use the SA line as a ploy. They aren't SA at all but using it as an excuse.

Ask your WH to write down a timeline and you want the dates he remembers, his thought process and feelings. He should put some thought into this. He shouldn't be doing the small things you ask him to do, he needs to get his sh*t together and quit being so selfish. He should read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a fairly short read, but it's a really good blueprint to help him get started. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. It is much meatier but has some really good information.

All I can say, is thank you for being someone who took the time to read my message and provide some help.

I am sorry your H has difficulty bring monogamous.

However that does not mean you have to D. Some people can accept their spouse for the cheater they were/are. It’s up to you to decide what kind of marriage or relationship you want and what you will accept from your spouse.

I hope you can get some professional advice or counseling to help you figure out what YOU want.