SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s done. We’ve decided to separate.
We’re going to try to get through the next couple of weeks and then he’ll start looking for his own place. Ideally I’d want him to go before any big work trips, next big one being beginning of February, but rental costs have sky rocketed around here and I think he may struggle to find a place.

Any tips on how to manage this part of things - separating but still living together - would be much appreciated please.

I’ve found the anger has come back a lot today, but I don’t want to lash out, I want to keep that under control. I’m incredibly angry that after everything I’ve put up with (including stuff before the cheating), and everything I’ve sacrificed and given to this relationship, he chose a job he’s been in for just over a year over me. He says it’s not like that, but I can’t see it any other way. I’ve never been a top priority.
I’m already feeling sad that this will be our last Christmas all together as a family.

Just a lot of emotions but I don’t want this to become messy. I want to keep it together as best I can.

I did IHS (in-house separation) for several months while saving the money to move out and for the right place to get open. I spent most of my time in the bedroom with the door shut. Sometimes I'd cook for us, other times I didn't. I tried to pretend like he was a really bad roommate that I didn't like. (I didn't have to co-parent.)

I don't know that I have any great tips, but I'm in a similar situation. I'll be moving out in a couple months (due to some travel and the holidays in between). In the meantime, I'm exhausted by WS's attempts to suddenly change into a better person and convince me that we can reconcile. Like leafields, I keep to a room a lot during the day (kid is at school; WS is currently unemployed), but in the evenings we still keep to our routine dinner, hang out time, etc., for the kid's sake. She doesn't know about the marriage problems, so she thinks the move is only because her school is a long drive (which is half the reason in reality).

Anyway, I'm glad you've made the decision, torturedpoet. Please try to stick with it and know that you're not alone.

Sorry you’re in a similar situation NTFTM.
It really is hard when there are kids involved. We won’t be telling anyone, including the kids until after Christmas. He’ll have to find a place first anyway.
I just hope we can keep things as nice as possible for the time being at least. It’s been hard because we’ve had all the kids off from school as they’re ill, so I basically haven’t left my house for a few days now.
Sadness has really kicked in today. I guess I have to go through the grieving process now.
I’m trying to keep myself focused on the outcome, and how I will take care of myself after he’s gone, as well as the practicalities of child care etc.
I really just want to recover from all of this and be more present for myself and the kids.
I’m just finding it all very sad today.

If divorce is inevitable (and it does sound like that’s where this is headed) then my advice is to do your best to remove all drama and make this as factual and real as possible.
Understand the process. What do you need to file, what information do you need and so on.
Understand what to expect. Be clear on the financial value of your marital assets and debts and how they might be divided.
Be realistic. You won’t get the house and the cars and the pension and the kids and the golf-clubs and the... A competent attorney can probably give you a pretty accurate picture of what to expect, and the final outcome will probably be pretty close to that outcome.

Even if you two decide to do this as nicely and amicably as possible then AT LEAST have a solicitor go over the final agreement. Both to ensure it’s "fair" and to ensure everything has been covered and done right.

Having said all that... IMHO the issue isn’t really the work or the trips. The issue is that on one of those trips he got drunk and had an affair. He has since made attempts at sobriety, but those attempts seldom last. The issue is IMHO that he hasn’t put any concrete effort into making you safe. He still travels, he still drinks, and therefore you fear he can have yet another ONS.
I think the focus – if you were to have any wish to work things out – should be on sobriety.
I think you might be able to deal with him away on a work-trip if you felt assured he’s not spending his evenings getting hammered with his fellow-workers. Just like I think you wouldn’t be happy in this marriage if he was at home all the time but sipping his bourbon-and-coke all evenings.

I’ll get the house which is in my name and that’s all I want.

I wouldn’t say the alcohol is the main issue.. it’s part of a bigger issue. He doesn’t drink (apart from that one time a couple of weeks ago) when he’s not away. If he goes out he drinks alcohol free beers and he never drinks in the house.

We have a long history of issues, mostly down to his sometimes erratic and unpredictable behaviour and a sense of entitlement he seems to have where he makes big decisions that affect the whole family without consulting me first. He excluded me from any kind of romantic/social activities out of the house for years, prioritised going out without with me, often with female friends, two of which I guess you could say he had emotional affairs with. I was a good little housewife kept at home with the kids while he lived the life of a single man. He’s lied a lot about where he is, who he’s with, what he’s doing etc, even before he started working away. He’s put himself before us and ignored any sacrifices I’ve made with ‘I didn’t ask you to do that’. The ONS I think was the tip of the iceberg, and looks like the final nail in the coffin. Anything he’s doing now doesn’t seem like enough.

I’m still back and forth a little if I’m honest, but also feel like too much damage has been done, and his attitude towards the things I say makes me think he can’t really handle the brutal honesty it would take to solve our problems.

The main reason I want this to be over I guess is because I can no longer handle the unpredictability of his actions, constantly living on edge wondering what will be next and when. We have obviously had calm times in between somewhat catastrophic events, but it is usually short lived and he’ll surprise me by doing something I wasn’t expecting, hence why I am now hyper vigilant and freak out over any sign of him not cooperating with what I want or any sign that he might be lying or trying to hide something from me.

Our problems run deep, and I believe there’s been a huge amount of gaslighting over the years. It just feels like too much to repair at this point. I don’t want to have to fight to be heard anymore.

To Me - this says he is still cheating - exactly how is speculative - but this is cheater behavior:

Something tipped me over the edge earlier. I needed to use his phone for something, he was asleep but I woke him and said I needed his phone and he gave it to me but I walked out of the room with it. I wasn’t planning on snooping, I genuinely needed to use it for something, and I know he deletes stuff he doesn’t want me to see anyway. He got out of bed so fast! Stood right next to me until I was done with it. I didn’t say anything because all the kids were there.

Wish you good happenings in your future and wonderful you have a house!

Sorry. My focus on his drinking was based on the only thing we have: Your posts.
I’m fine with you being focused and fine with the decision to divorce. I strongly suggest you follow my suggestion of understanding the process. Like the house – if it was bought during the marriage then unless there is a clear legal contract of some form there is a strong chance this is a marital asset – irrespective of whose name is on the deed. Maybe not – you are definitely in a better position to know this. I just want to encourage you to be certain, and not base it on an assumption.

The main reason I want this to be over I guess is because I can no longer handle the unpredictability of his actions, constantly living on edge wondering what will be next and when.

I told the MC that if my WS could cheat after us being together for 25 years, then I'm going to spend the next 25 years wondering when he's going to do it again. She replied, "That's no way for you to live."

I'll say the same thing to you, torturepoet. I think you're making the right call. It's not healthy to live in a permanent state of hypervigilence and fear. Have you figured out an arrangement in the house where you can be physically separate as much as possible?