SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Been a while since I last visited this site. I don't want to offend anyone but I want to say something to anyone looking for advice after finding out a spouse has been unfaithful. Take what you read here with a grain of salt. I think this forum is useful, people need a place to vent, but it seems to me a lot of the advice given here suggests there is only one way of dealing with a cheating spouse. I see in posts people scolded for not reacting a certain way to their spouse or the affair partner. Many seem to suggest there needs to be consequences for the WS and their AP as if healing can't happen until justice is served.

No one thing is true for everyone. Many would disagree. For example, if the affair partner is married, do you tell their spouse of the affair? I suggested caution, think about the impact on their families, kids, also innocents whose lives would also be ruined. Well that didn't go over well here. My point being there was no room for a different opinion, you MUST tell the spouse. Well I didn't. Did I do a disservice to the other spouse? I don't know, maybe. But I decided not to for reasons I considered carefully.

So I say again, be careful how you use any advice you get. Consider it, but think it through, decide what is right for you. Yours is the only opinion that matters when deciding how you react to what's happened to you. When all is said and done we have to decide what kind of person we want to be from here on out. I believe making peace with yourself is more important in the long run than holding other people accountable for hurting us. So, I hope you can find peace, I think happiness will follow if you can. Best of luck.

[This message edited by flang at 10:38 AM, Wednesday, December 18th]

  Moving to General

Nothing wrong with the topic or the content per se, but this topic is better suited in General. Not least because we can expect all sorts of responses and even a strong debate, and that’s not helpful for a new betrayed spouse looking for advice and posting in JFO.

In principle, I can agree with some of what you’ve said. As a person who chose a path different from the norm, I was often on the receiving end of some pretty shitty comments. It knocked me to a point where I seriously considered taking my life.

That being said, there are also many contributors who were a Godsend. The advice given was taken to heart and I’m in a much better place. I credit SI for forcing me to take stock and make the necessary changes to become a good and safe partner.

There is a saying here "take what you need and leave the rest". Certainly good advice if you can embrace it. But the shouting from the crowd can often make that difficult.

You do have to keep in mind that this is a public forum with folks coming from all walks of life. Different mindsets. Different situations. But we are all part of the infidelity club. SI might not be perfect but I am thankful they were here when I needed them.

I told the OBS because I refused to be a secret-keeper for the OW. I felt that all parties deserved to know the truth of their life so they could make informed decisions.

This topic raises 2 issues: 1) that some advice assumes there is only one way to go about recovering from being betrayed; and 2) telling OBS (WS's ap's BS/BSo.

As to the first, I agree wholeheartedly. Too many posters assume everyone else is like them. Also, many posters appear to post while triggered; that leads to sub-optimal advice.

As to the 2nd, I wish obs had told me when he found out. I'd be 10 days ahead on my healing. Further, as traumatic as d-day is, I think it's better for all in almost all cases for the truth to come out earlier rather than later. Read statements from BSes here who are angry because they lived blissfully while their WSes were betraying them. It's best to put an end to that, if you can.

Is it easy? Nope. I don't know if I'd have told obs if I had found out first. I don't know if I'd have done the detective work necessary to find his phone number. I don't know anyone's sitch but mine, so although I say 'almost all' I don;t know if a poster is an outlier or not.

IDK ... I think informing OBS is the morally right thing to do, but I can understand - and I think we all need to understand - that not every BS can do it. After all, none of us is at their best in the weeks after d-day. Maybe my obs regrets not telling me....

I'm curious about your motivation to come back and post this.

I think that the BS should always do what's in their own best interest. If, say, telling the OBS could lead to the WS getting fired and the BS struggling financially, I completely understand not taking that risk.

I suggested caution, think about the impact on their families, kids, also innocents whose lives would also be ruined.

The impact of the A is the responsibility of the AP and the WS, not the BS. FAFO.

Many seem to suggest there needs to be consequences for the WS and their AP as if healing can't happen until justice is served.

I issued consequences not because I wanted to punish him, but because I wanted my WS to really feel the effects of his choices, snap out of it, and end the A. I firmly believe and will always advocate for a BS to get strong from the git-go lest they prolong their own agony. A soft reaction to infidelity rarely yields good results. I don't know of a single case where rug-sweeping and pick-me behavior led to a healthy R.

This post is spot on. Could not agree more. I’ve long towed the line that there is no right or wrong way to heal yourself and escape infidelity. Humans are such unique creatures stemming from many different cultures and societal expectations and norms. Do what is right for you and your family. I think this site offers a lot of help, but can also further traumatize new members when they reach out for comfort with people who understand the pain, but are met with strangers telling them what they "must" do and insisting their WS and sham marriage are essentially garbage. When one is in the agony of D day it’s hard to take what you need and leave the rest and even harder to recognize the bitter posters still reeling in pain themselves that are insisting they know what to do and how to handle another’s situation.

[This message edited by OnTheOtherSideOfHell at 4:26 PM, Wednesday, December 18th]

I totally understand where you are coming from. I think people gravitate towards sites where others are like minded. It’s that way in any forum.

I personally think it’s fine if you do not want to tell the other bs. You have been thrust into a situation not of your choosing and only you can decide what the best path forward is.

I told the obs because I wanted to make sure the affair was being monitored by more than just me and also because we all worked together and he needed to understand why we were no longer going to work with either of them. Blowing up the affair is a way of making the "no contact" be better enforced. Whether or not you feel an obligation to the obs is different. At the very least, if I didn’t want to do it, I would have communicated to the ap they need to do it or I would.

I can understand you don’t want to disrupt other peoples lives or children but an undiscovered an affair is more likely to extend to a second affair, a third, so on and so forth. I still wouldn’t shame you for choosing not to get involved. But there are more compelling reasons in my opinion to tell. The next one could give them an std, the more that happens the more trauma there is. And personally, I just would want the obs to have choices to make, same as I am being afforded.

Consequences should be natural and make sense. As a ws, I can think of hundreds of consequences I bet if I sat down and made a list, and none that I can think of were unnaturally imposed. The consequences of my actions made my husband not trust me and feel unloved by me. I needed to figure out what was not working inside of me and why that I could dish out such cold behavior towards a man I promised to love and cherish. So nothing that has happened has been punishment.

The consequences I see on this site are the ws goes to IC, the ws becomes more transparent, the ws works to heal the relationship.

I am not sure why you feel consequences of adultery are problematic. If they don’t exist, it means nothing is being addressed. I needed to earn trust back, I needed to show my commitment and love for him consistently. And he had his own consequences for a crime he didn’t commit, he had to find a way of accepting what had happened and being able to see me again in a light in which I could be his love again too. That’s a natural struggle.

If you feel like you can move on more quickly, and your ws doesn’t have to contend with consequences then what you are really saying is "fidelity is expected here but it’s not as important to me as these things over here" and there is nothing wrong with what your personal values are. But for those who value fidelity above all else will have a different reaction. They are going to be much tougher to win back, it’s going to be harder for them to heal. So I would just say it comes down to having different values- and I am okay respecting what everyone wants theirs to be, but I am going to live and advise others based on mine.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:14 PM, Wednesday, December 18th]

A lot of the advice offered is based on accumulated experience.
If we were to observe 100 blindfolded pedestrians cross a busy highway on foot we would possibly see some fatalities, some serious injuries and plenty of close calls. But we might see some make it across with no hassle or trouble. If you are fortunate enough to be one of the ones that made it – would our shouts of warning or suggestions you at least remove the blindfold be void and non-relevant?

I think a lot of our advice is based on similar situations. Our experience indicates that in probably 8 out of 10 instances where the AP spouse is informed the initial reaction is to end the affair. That if the AP is a married man, the odds are probably 19/20 that they will dump the AP and try to save their marriage. That if the WS "promises" it’s over then in 2/3 instances there is a relapse or ongoing contact... These are all "facts" in the way that it’s a "fact" that walking blindfold across a busy highway is dangerous.

When you use the laws of probability you might be able to improve the odds of your relationship developing on a path more to your liking. But there is no guarantee. It’s not a given. It’s not factual or written in stone. It’s only likely or probable.

Expanding on what Bigger said:

Something to consider about the culture of SI: It's one of the oldest, if not THE oldest, infidelity support sites. The collective wisdom has been passed down for at least two and a half decades from member to member, and the healing library has been carefully curated and preserved.

If a longtime member seems like a hard ass, it's likely because they've "been there and done that", witnessed the success and failure of many, know what works for most, and want the newly-minted BS to have the best shot at getting out of infidelity quickly and with minimal suffering.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 6:56 PM, Wednesday, December 18th]

There are a good number of king time supporters here at SI who post with an eye towards reconciliation and getting past the trauma of an affair.

However in some cases, such as long term serial cheaters or abusive (DV) situations, we advocate to end the marriage or relationship.

Some advice may come across harsh but I don’t think it’s the intent.

For me personally I was facing D almost immediately after Dday. Financially I needed to get into the battle and be prepared as my H was walking out the door and I had no idea if he was going to pay the mortgage or child support or any bills.

However I don’t put that in to a new poster here at SI, but I do outline a plan (at times) to financially protect themselves and always suggest seeing an attorney to get some info on how a D works, as each state is different.

I see so many kind people here. I hope that comes across to newbies.

IMO....the rule Jesus outlines should be applied. "Do unto others as you would have done to you.". So if you were in the shoes of the Other Partner ....what would you want? Maybe not easy of course.

After DDay1 I did not tell OBS (married to LTAP w/children & grandchildren). I had solid advice not to do so and reasoning that seemed justifiable. In my gut, I knew it was wrong and did (well didn't do) it anyway. And it haunted me.

Come DDay2/3 I couldn't do it anymore and used all the information I'd gathered in that 15 month timeframe and made the call. My hands shook so bad I had to dial multiple times before I got it right. The conversation went something like this:

Hi. My name is Chaos. Your wife LTAP and my husband Mr. Chaos are having an affair. I originally discovered it in 2017, thought it ended and did not say anything. I just learned it continued. I am very sorry I didn't tell you before.

And he said something that both didn't surprise me yet shocked me to my core.

Yeah...well...you're not the first upset wife I've ever talked to.

Looking back not telling him was a huge mistake. Because I will never forgive those who knew and did nothing.

The factual information isn't what will potentially destroy the marriage and children - the affair is.

Like everyone else has said it’s a collection of experiences. You have to navigate this based on what works for you. I don’t tell someone what they should do, I share what has worked for me.

For example, polygraphs have worked very well for some members, I was advised to make my W take a poly. For me when she wrote the timeline and was committed to R I knew I had the truth, I didn’t need a polygraph I could see the relief in her eyes.

There was detail that I didn’t believe, so a year and a half later if found the OBS and without warning reached out to her. She confirmed my W was telling the truth, still not great but it confirmed she was telling the truth.

So you will never see me giving advice for or against a polygraph, it’s not my experience. You will see me advising to contact the OBS. It’s not revenge it’s the right thing to do.