SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In early August of this year, I discovered the affair my WS was having with the AP. We have been married almost 35 years and I counted the AP as one of my very closest friends for even longer.

We are set to begin marriage therapy sometime in January. I set a mental health boundary and that is that we don't talk about anything emotional until the marriage counseling process begins. In the meantime, I would be seeking a new therapist who can start trauma therapy with me (via EMDR) at least before we start doing the relationship work. The affair has caused PTSD and when we have tried to talk about it, I only get triggered repeatedly (especially when she tries to rationalize, etc. the affair), which stirs up trauma repeatedly into a downward spiral.

Her response is to tell me that she will respect that boundary, yet qualifies it with, "I just want to make sure you know that you are taking the lead. I want to take the lead, and it is affecting me on several levels not to, including grief, sadness, and anger."

THIS IS MY VENT (keeping it to myself for now). I would love any support. Thank you!

I am the survivor of an affair that you chose to have with one of my very closest friends, and he chose to have with you.

(She thinks it's somehow better that the two of them had an affair vs. some random guy, but that's another issue!)

I only found out about it late last summer. That has not been very long ago, especially when it comes to emotional time! Your actions created consequences, including traumatizing me. Once again, now that I have found a therapist, my priority continues to be my mental health. I am not going to take the risk of being triggered by things that you have said and most likely will say if you try to engage with me. (After all, you are including anger in the emotions you are listing).

So, please, take the lead you need to. Keep talking with your friends and therapist, whatever it takes. I want to reiterate and make it clear that you are not welcome to interfere with me taking my lead and taking care of myself! Once again, I am going to meet with the therapist and work on integrating the trauma that is stuck in my body. Then, we can start doing the work with the new MFT.

It doesn't sound like she understands the trauma she has caused. Is she remorseful? Does she not understand that it was far far worse that it was your good friend than had it been a stranger?

You are doing the right thing by healing you.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're joining our community. If you haven't already, please go to the JFO (Just Found Out) forum and read the posts pinned to the top, plus the ones with bull's eye icons. The Healing Library is a dropdown at the top of the site and has a lot of excellent resources.

Please have your WW (wayward wife) read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a nice little roadmap she can use to help her find out how to help you. Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is much longer but also a great resource.

I'm glad you have IC (individual counseling) scheduled. I hope your WW has IC scheduled as well. She needs to dig deep to find her whys and to work on becoming a safe partner. I would recommend recovering from this for a bit before starting MC. The MC will work on things like the relationship and communication. So many have a tendency to shift some of the blame to you. There are some good MCs out there, but they are out there. Besides, your M (marriage) didn't cheat - your WW did.

Take care of you right now. PTSD and C-PTSD are no joke, so please work to get you better. What helped me a lot was meditation and mindfulness excercises. Others have done EFT tapping and EMDR. The Body Keeps the Score by Beser van der Kolk isn't infidelity related but is trauma related. He says that certain movements, like pilates, can help your body move the trauma through your system.

It's so frustrating when they pull the "I'm hurting too" crap. *They* made a choice and put themselves in that position. *We* didn't get a choice. We have to deal with the shit sandwich like it or not.

I think your boundary is a good one, for what it's worth. She will have to lie in the bed she's made.

I'm sorry that you're experiencing such an awful double betrayal. Not only to lose the trust you had in your wife, but to also have such pain inflicted by a close friend.

I am so sorry for you. This double betrayal (AP being a long time best friend) is very hard to overcome.

I wish I had advice for you but I don’t. But I understand the pain and trauma inflicted on you.

Maybe read up on the 180 and start to protect yourself by limiting contact and interaction.

I hardly spoke to my husband for weeks. I just couldn’t get past the rage and anger and devastation to hold a conversation with him, listen to him or want to engage with him. If kids were around I was polite. That was it.

But when he tried to rationalize his affair by blaming me for it, well……let’s just say he’s lucky I didn’t inflict some serious bodily harm to him. 😡😆

I knew I had to protect myself and the hard 180 was the best way I could. We eventually managed to reconcile but for the first year after his affair ended I woke up every day and thought "I need to D him. I cannot do this!"

Yet somehow we were able to Reconcile. But as a cheater, he had to do the work and prove to me he was worth staying with. Fortunately he did.

I hope your spouse can too.

Boundaries have consequences set. What are yours?

It sounds like she's deeply uncomfortable with the lack of control that she has over the situation. She wants to get in there and try to fix things, but she's not being allowed in. I'd tell her that her lesson in this must be learning how to be still instead of manically trying to FIX; how to be respectful of other people's boundaries; and how to manage her own emotions when she has no control. Also, her feelings are hers to unpack, not yours to accommodate.