SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After being married twice and both husbands having affairs (not to mention the amount of infidelity I’ve seen in friends and family) I’m starting to think even if I divorce my current WS I would never trust anyone enough again to consider having a serious relationship with them)

Because of this I have found myself wondering if staying in this marriage, even when I’m not truly happy with the ‘loving relationship’ side of things such a bad thing. I don’t hate my husband, I actually enjoy his company but I just don’t feel that strong sense of love that I used to feel. He still lies about stupid shit but not anything A related (well that I know of) and he has become a better human since his A.

WH and I can have some fun times still, my kids are happy and thriving and my life in general is fantastic. I have a great job, great friends and a few different interests I participate in.

But if I’m completely honest I would not have all that as easy as I do now if we did divorce. We make each others live easier by staying together. I’m not sure if this is a healthy way to be or not but it makes a lot of sense. Does anyone else live this way???

If you still enjoy your WH's company, and otherwise have a great life, it seems you are correct that pursuing those lost feelings of deeper love might cost you more than the chance to find them again is worth, but what do I know. I feel like when the day-to-day interactions we have just grate on ones nerves and never seem to improve, well that is a totally different equation.

When all the hot and heavy breathing stuff is gone, if you still ENJOY their company and basically "get each other,", that is a pretty big plus for a chance at reasonable future contentment (but just one opinion, here...)

I feel the same.
There's no way I could ever trust again so I wouldn't be in another relationship, what's the point?

My WH would still be at his old mediocre job if not for me, I encouraged him to apply for much better positions that paid twice what he was making & he got one.

He had crap for credit when I met him and I handled the bills & he learned to be better with money & now we are comfortable.

Why would I go live a lower standard life now? He is content to live as roommates & says he just wants me in his life forever.
He ruined what I felt for him & he knows it.

He picked very low caliber low IQ APs & I'll never look at him the same again.
But I'm not walking away for a substandard life at my age.

Do what works for you.

I agree with what Superesse said - that if the day-to-day is intolerable, that would be good reason to get out. But if it's peaceful and otherwise pretty satisfying, maybe maintaining the status quo is the best option. It's not like you can't change your mind a year from now if it's not working for you anymore.

I think a lot depends on stage of life, and depth of emotional investment, too. A younger childfree person might be more apt to take the risk of leaving so that they can open themselves up to finding a more suitable partner.

I'm nearly 2.5 years out from dday1, and while we are living separately most of the time, I'm not pursuing divorce. Totally with you on the marriage of convenience. It's a lot less work to stay legally married, it makes more financial sense, the kid is doing well, and I don't want to start a new relationship (ever). There's no rule that says we have to divorce if we don't love our WS anymore. Heck, most of my relatives in their 70s and 80s don't seem particularly in love with each other, but they support each other in basic ways.

How does your WS feel about it? If he's on board with the arrangement, I don't see why it couldn't work. In my case, WS is unhappy with the current situation, so that's causing friction.

I understand this.

I generally enjoy his company.

I have no desire for a new relationship - and knowing how awful people can be and how people lie and sneak about, I really don’t want new partners in my children’s lives. Who knows what they really are behind closed doors.

Their safety and security are my priority. And I’m not sure what type of woman my husband would meet if he was truthful about his marriage. I know I would never date a chap who cheated on his spouse. I’d escape out of the loo window on the date rather than have another drink. I certainly wouldn’t have date number 2. I’d prefer a meal with my friends and a pet dog.

Having spent 13 years in my 30's and early 40's single, I can tell you it was a jungle, and that was almost 30 years ago, before internet dating services became a thing. People who are DESPERATE to meet someone new and put their past behind them tend to grab onto poor choices, and that goes both for those who did things to cause their marriages to end and those who have found themselves solo.

I witnessed a lot of dishonesty and found out how easy it is to put on a presentable face to the world when you don't have to do it 24/7. My WH was able to hide his sex addiction and honesty problem from not only me but all his friends; his family was overseas. (I think a big problem in dating is not being able to meet the people who raised them. Yet I dated some real losers who had nice families they enthusiastically introduced me to. The parents and siblings were all warm and welcoming, which left me just that much more stunned when the relationship suddenly ended with my getting dumped for their next prospect!

Anyway, dating in middle age is scary. Even if we don't seek out someone new, the ones who are looking for a new relationship may latch onto us and then put on their best face - for years if necessary - until they win us over....ask me how I know...

[This message edited by Superesse at 1:13 PM, Wednesday, April 2nd]

Yeah I don't ascribe to the marriage of convenience. There would have to be an end date for me. I tried it but obviously my situation was intolerable. I can't imagine living out the rest of my days in a subpar marriage with no love. I too thought I'd never want to be in another relationship again. Funny how life surprises you. My new partner has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. He far surpasses my xWS in every way from empathy to having mutual respect, trust, and love. And even if I didn't have him my life is full with friendships and family. I couldn't wholly be myself in my stagnant M. It was killing me. This is my opinion of course YMMV.

I’m wondering similar

We are separated. I made him leave My husband didn’t have an A but he had a breakdown and a porn habit which evolved into a summer with escorts. Awful. But he is in a 12 step , actively in therapy dealing with some serious trauma after his brothers suicide . Attends ACoA and seems to be doing the work. I’m not sure trust can be rebuilt. But I love him deeply - I know he loves me deeply. It’s just a lot to overcome. I’m hoping we stay married. 🤷‍♀️ call me a fool

call me a fool

You are not a fool. Just like I’m not a fool for reconciling w/ my H.

However I have protected myself as best I can. If he walks out the door tomorrow I will be hurt but not devastated. I know I will survive it because I did it already.

If the cheater is doing the work, Hopefully it will pay off and you can reconcile and be happy.

But still protect yourself.

I remember a thread in which Darkness Falls (a former WW) was posting about how she didn't have any feelings for or interest in her BH anymore but she was staying with him for finances and because she needed his help to care for their children with special needs. A few BSs took her to task for admitting that she was staying with her husband for convenience rather than love, and her response was "Lots of BSs stay for money and kids. Why is that OK for them and not for me?" It was a good question.

We see tons of threads in which the BS feels like they're "Plan B" or the husband/wife appliance who is being kept around around for their utility as a provider, caregiver, and/or source of emotional support for their WS. Nearly everyone agrees that this is painful and unjust.

And yet there's no pushback against the BS that does the same, the rationale being, of course, that they're not the one who blew up the marriage so why should they have to make sacrifices and upend every aspect of their lives and their kids' lives because their WS went after some strange?

I totally get that. I'm also conscious of the fact that because my ex and didn't have kids and didn't have any shared assets, I had the luxury of a clean break; my standard of living didn't really suffer much as a result of getting divorced. I may have wanted to stay put if our circumstances were different. Have kids and want to stay together until they're out of HS? Sure. Are you 90 years old and it's not feasible to start a new life even if you wanted to? Makes sense.

However, I just don't see how a situation in which it's possible to merely tolerate the person or see them as a roommate/friend and stay indefinitely. Even if the BS was fine with it, I just don't see how a WS-- who couldn't behave themselves even when the relationship was intact-- could remain fully committed now that the loving and romantic aspect of the marriage was dead. Personally, I couldn't stay married to someone who kept their heart at arm's length and who only saw me through the tainted lens of the worst thing I'd ever done to them.

Lastly, one thing that would scare me is the idea of getting old and/or sick with someone I couldn't love and trust. Would you be feel comfortable with your WS making end-of-life decisions for you? What if you have to rely on your WS as a caregiver? What if your WS decides to split? Further, how do you feel about being the caregiver for your WS? We've seen quite posts from BS who struggle with the feelings of resentment they harbor when they have to wait hand and foot on a person they betrayed them.

So if you take anything away from the above Webbit, it's this:

-Consider that although you life might be easier with your WH, you have no idea whether that will be the case later down the line. Are you trading comfort and ease now for greater pain and hardship later in life?

-Even if your WH accepts the status quo now, that doesn't mean he will forever. Would you rather part ways on your terms or his?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 10:17 PM, Monday, April 7th]

Personally I don’t judge people who willingly choose marriages of convenience. The key word for me is consensually.

That said, I personally did not have a good experience staying with someone who was selfish and could lie to me and deceive me and betray me and risk my emotional, physical, spiritual and sexual health without my consent. So I did not choose to take that risk again post DD2 or 3 or whatever it actually was.
He was not a good candidate for truthfulness and fidelity. Other people’s mileage with a MOC with an unrepentant wayward may vary.