SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Definitely B & C.

My ex said he would do basically this but well before zoom, apps, texting, etc.

He was say flirty, suggestive, sexual innuendo comments and see how they reacted.

In a positive manner, it would get ramped up.

No response, or negative…he would stop and move to someone else another time.

Some people seem to refuse to admit what it really is, bcuz it’s not in person-per say.

Given his history-IMO-he knows exactly what he is fishing for. Even if it is just "harmless banter" to feed his ego.

Would he say those things in front of you? Doubtful.

D Something else

He is back at his old ways, fishing in shallow water. Not so over the top that it gets HR attention, but just enough to see if she will bite.

I went back through it to see if there was anything more and he brought it up out of the middle of work talk..."okay my camera is on, like my granny glasses?" She just did a grin emoji and said "Yeah you look smart" he said, "I wish I was smart" and then she went back to work talk. It really is fishing for compliments.

No poll opinion, just confirmation that you are right to pull back from this, it ain't changin'

I eventually asked him, "Were you nervous about me reading anything in particular in that instant message exchange?"
He said, "No, not at all, it was all work," and it's true, he didn't appear worried.

So it just confirms he is unaware, with limited ability for insight. There are limits for growth and change, and I know this.

I've been sick for a few days with a cough/cold, and this is an area he is very strong in. Extremely helpful and considerate, so it's hard not to just overlook these signs, kind of goes with seeing the positive in people and focusing on the good in others (to a fault, I'm sure).

Do you know what's sad? Getting sick because of constant potential betrayal stress, and then having the potential offender minister to us after we succumb to our stress-induced illness! (I speak from years of personal experience as the same dynamic goes on here...he is sooo good to me when I'm down that sometimes I wonder if "the weak role" is what he wants from me, because invariably when I'm feeling my healthiest, most optimistic and empowered, that will be when he does stuff to needle me or otherwise drag me down!

And you know what else? My loser XH did the exact same thing! So I've seen this dynamic twice in my adult life. I think it's the mark of a small person to discourage their partner's growth and independence. Very few people feel powerful and independent when they are sick. So our being sick can be a comforting position for them to see us in, sick as that sounds. (I've just lived it too long, sorry.)

Hope you feel better soon and succeed in stepping out of this cycle, because it is a cycle.

I'd bet my fresh hot cup of strong black coffee that he wouldn't want you doing it with a male coworker.

So I don't care what you call it - or how you categorize it - it is not appropriate or acceptable.

IMHO - it's a pro move. And not in a good way.

I'd bet my fresh hot cup of strong black coffee that he wouldn't want you doing it with a male coworker.

On that note, if he wouldn't say it to a male coworker, he shouldn't be saying it to a woman. Might be a good way to help him recognize that it's out of line?

I think she has reminded him a ton - he is on the spectrum, lacks executive functioning, and has adhd. She has parented him their entire relationship. I think he is incapable of grasping what is wrong with what he is doing that’s why he has been very open with her. I don’t think it’s a pro move, I think he lacks awareness that he my not be capable of building if I have understood lessthinking’s post. She would truly have to coach him on almost every scenario.

I m not sure but lessthinking would he be upset if the roles were reversed or so you think he truly lacks seeing it? I kind of could see him being jealous or threatened, but I just as easily could see that going over his he’s too. Hard for me to tell where he lies in that based on your past descriptions.

I think she has reminded him a ton

Not "remind". Recognize. Understand. A litmus test that he can use to determine if what he's about to do crosses boundaries.

A special education teacher for an autistic child, whose own 3 children are on the spectrum, explained this to me after I expressed frustration at my WH's failure to learn from his "communication" mistakes. I asked her how come he could never learn to speak to me in a way that was not defensive or punitive and yet he could take a college course in Public Speaking and earn an A for the course demonstrating the same skill set he refuses to employ when speaking with me? It made no sense to my mind, but to her, it was simple:

(1) being on the spectrum often means they cannot GENERALIZE acquired experiential knowledge, so the minute ANY element of a new situation is different, it's a whole DIFFERENT situation! The idea that THIS situation looks similar to a PREVIOUS situation and thus is likely to go the same way, especially when it regards someone ELSE's perception, DOES NOT OCCUR to them. Hence the need for the betrayed partner to be ever-vigilant, which is an unfair burden to ask of anyone.

(2) Motivation to excel in a classroom setting helped my WH do the steps he consistently refuses to take at home, where he feels he can just be whatever, and "the wife" will take it. Competing for a college credit was clearly more motivational for him than my approving of him. That made a lot of sense, too.

I think HO is probably right.

Damn, that makes sense. Sigh. What a whuppin' for a BS.

Thanks!

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 5:14 PM, Monday, April 7th]

Superesse

(1) being on the spectrum often means they cannot GENERALIZE acquired experiential knowledge, so the minute ANY element of a new situation is different, it's a whole DIFFERENT situation! The idea that THIS situation looks similar to a PREVIOUS situation and thus is likely to go the same way, especially when it regards someone ELSE's perception, DOES NOT OCCUR to them. Hence the need for the betrayed partner to be ever-vigilant, which is an unfair burden to ask of anyone.

That would make sense then. It feels a bit like ground hogs day.

HO - I think he'd be a little jealous if it was specifically pointed out...maybe.