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13 weeks since DD and for the past few weeks my WH has started wanting to question my sexual past before we were married, over 25 years ago!.
I’ve asked him why he wants to know these things and he claims he thinks that HIS infidelity confession has triggered him wanting to know everything I’ve done pre him.
Has anyone else experienced this?

I don’t have this experience but something semi-related. When I tried to explain to my WH that his lack of full disclosure is missing puzzle pieces in my life he countered with I never asked you about your past before we met…. As if that was equivalency. I was gobsmacked. I told him what either of us did prior to meeting was irrelevant to what has occurred since we exchanged vows and promised to forsake all others. It was just pushback to justify not wanting to admit what he did was wrong, I think.

I truly hope you are not having this discussion with him at this time because who knows how he will process or use that kind of information either against you or as justification for why he deserved extracurriculars. Or maybe it’ll just trigger the heck out of the both of you. I would consult a therapist about this if you have one.

I think his curiosity is curious. Maybe it would bring you closer to talk about your sexual histories, I don’t know. It just gave me an icky feeling. And at 13 weeks out, too soon!! He hasn’t had time to begin to process his own issues with being found out and he wants to sidebar on your past. It would be a Nope for now for me.

[This message edited by whatisloveanyway at 4:04 PM, Thursday, April 3rd]

He hasn’t had time to begin to process his own issues with being found out and he wants to sidebar on your past. It would be a Nope for now for me.

^^^This. Past history is none of anyone's business and would be a NOPE from me too.

Whatisloveanyway,

He has said something similar to your WH, saying that since he has fully disclosed everything about himself then he deserves to know about me and my sexual history. It’s not the same and he knows it, it’s grinding my gears.
He did confess to his infidelities, he wasn’t outed and he blurted (almost) everything out full confession on DD. I find it very strange, what is the reason he’s asking and in detail too, what on earth is pushing him wanting to know this information after 25 years.

In the absence of any long-lasting aftereffects of a pre-commitment A - STI, a child, pining for the xap, etc. - pre-commitment history is irrelevant IMO.

My questions are these:

What thoughts and feelings are prompting him to be interested in your sexual history before you committed to him?

What does he hope to gain by asking you this question?

What does he hope to gain from your answer?

My reco is to tell him to discuss his issue with his IC.

He claims it will bring us closer together, I highly doubt it.
I’ve asked him not to speak about it anymore several times and it’s like an itch for him, he can’t seem to help himself.

Maybe he’s always been curious/insecure about your past (wouldn’t surprise me), and sees your current state of affairs (no pun intended) as a window/opportunity to satisfy his curiosity.

Are you asking him for pre-marriage info?

If not, then there is no reciprocity.

Is it possible that he's trying to make himself feel better or justify his actions? Like, if he finds out that your body count is higher than his, he could retroactively justify cheating? I don't know. It's weird. It seems like something he should have been curious about 25 years ago, not now when he's in the hot seat.

You don't trade war stories with a traitor. Show me you're trustworthy and then we'll talk.

FPP,
No I’m not asking for pre marriage info, he has offered information and I’ve asked questions but not probed in to details.
I do believe he is insecure, well at least that’s what I’m thinking.

Sacredsoul,
My body count is higher than his he knew this before we were married.
I’ll explain a little more….when we were dating I told him my body count, he’s never been happy with it because typically in his culture men marry virgins. I should also add that 3 weeks after we met I was rushed in to hospital with TB meningitis, was in a coma for days and very nearly succumb to it. My memory is garbage, my notes app on my phone is my brain.
Fast forward to now he’s wanting information but I can only remember X Y & no Z and he’s not impressed.
I know it must be hard for him to accept I have no recollection of Z but I honestly don’t and I couldn’t care less TBH, I’ve dragged myself back from deaths door, married, carried birthed and raised two children and a family, now I’ve been served a massive slice of infidelity pie after 25 years and he wants me to remember this horse shit!.

So let me understand. The cheating spouse is demanding (not asking) info about the spouse’s past from 25+ years ago (and that info was already disclosed).

Oh. Hell. No!

His "reasons" for wanting to know are to "bring the couple closer" is a bunch of crap. He clearly has some insecurities or something else going on that he would start this whole thing.

I would suggest that the cheater needs to know that the only way this will be resolved is if the cheater gets professional help and addresses their own issues.

I don’t know what to suggest if this behavior continues. But I hope it doesn’t affect your relationship to the point that you need to get away from him b/c the continued badgering is negatively affecting you.

The snark in me would be giving very sarcastic answers like "I don’t think you really want to know that". And then I would laugh.

Or I’d just say things like "do you want their sizes too?"

I’m certain I’m going to hell just for the things I think (but don’t say)😂

When I tried to explain to my WH that his lack of full disclosure is missing puzzle pieces in my life he countered with I never asked you about your past before we met…. As if that was equivalency. I was gobsmacked. I told him what either of us did prior to meeting was irrelevant to what has occurred since we exchanged vows and promised to forsake all others. It was just pushback to justify not wanting to admit what he did was wrong, I think.

Yup this false equivalency baloney happened to me too. Along with a some prodding into my sexual past - which was definitely a stale topic after 28 years of marriage. The cynic in me suspected he was after DARVO ammunition. Or digging for dirt to smear my character if we decided to split. I shut that crap down with logic and calm, well reasoned sarcasm and then just ignored the few times it came up.

ETA:

Or the goal was to ferret out a handy way to minimize his selfish choices "yeah, I did XYZ but at least I didn't ___________ like you did"

I agree with you. Post infidelity this interrogation of YOUR already disclosed past feels way off. Yes, it's a BIG problem. Sounds like he won't give up either. If you've already tried to reason with him about WHY this is coming up now and got nowhere, maybe leave the room. Don't engage when he starts in. Hope he's looking at his stuff and talking to a therapist. His perseverance on this topic suggests it might be helpful to talk to a professional.

Hang in there and do what you need to do to protect yourself.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 4:23 AM, Friday, April 4th]

Past sexual history is a legitimate topic of discussion if both parties agree and it usually occurs before getting serious. I don't think it's fair to become retroactively upset after one has agreed to the relationship.

If past matters, then I should have been dealt with at the time andcthen both of you could have the agency to make informed decisions.

I can't speak to your situation, but I would look for the underlying reasons why this has suddenly become an issue.

I think it’s suddenly become an issue because the cheater husband wants to use his wife’s past to mitigate his cheating.

As someone else pointed he might be prone to say "at least I didn’t do X like you did".

Not cool.

Don’t engage in this discussion. This is one where I give you permission to stonewall.

I’m sorry Bruce…. But "no" is a complete sentence re: this nonsense.

Bring you closer? I would suggest he ask this burning question to an IC. You were truthful 25 years ago. The statute of limitations for asking questions prior to being "exclusive" has long expired…. Not to mention the mere fact that by his cheating the exclusive clause was negated by him!

Shut it down. Hard.

I honestly don’t and I couldn’t care less TBH, I’ve dragged myself back from deaths door, married, carried birthed and raised two children and a family, now I’ve been served a massive slice of infidelity pie after 25 years and he wants me to remember this horse shit!

That’s exactly what you need to tell him.

Some possibilities about why now

Because he held on to resentment from your relationships before him

So this was not spontaneous, but had percolated for 20 years or so in his mind

He may have always felt 2nd best to the priors

He may have been dismissed by you along time ago when the questions were asked and he just gave up or was ashamed to admit, possibly the questions seemed trivial to you at the time.

Men have long memories for sexual matters.

He may have suspected the priors got more passion or had a better sexual chemistry than he did

Any of the above may seem ridiculous to you but may have ruminated inside his head and seemed real

Not supporting or justifying

[This message edited by survrus at 4:34 AM, Friday, April 4th]