SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Why do you think people come to the forum and then disappear? I know I came initially and then left for a year because the responses were graphic, like the one Bigger shut down recently. But in general the responses are supportive and I see a lot of restraint in terms of people knowing what’s happening to the BS, but not blurting it out right away. Is there something we should be doing differently?

People who do not want to hear the truth, will not stay. It really does not matter how much you sugar coat it or how sugary sweet you are with your words.

You left back then because you were not ready to hear the truth. You, like lots of BS's, thought that your wife's affair, your marriage, your version of infidelity was different. It was not then, and it is not now.

If they do not want the truth, they should not ask the question.

Now, I understand that the more gentile members will tell me things like, "that is so harsh", "that is so redneck", "that is so mean".

Maybe, but I have lived around these types of milk toast people, and they helped ruin my life. I was kind of young, very stupid, and trying to do the right thing, and I wasted at least 15 years of my life because I could not get the truth, and I was too young and stupid if figure it out myself.

Further, these experiences, have formed my hard stance on infidelity and being weak, and that is what it is... Weakness, denial, whatever you want to call it... IT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU. IT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOUR CHILDREN.

IT IS SIMPLY NOT GOOD, and I do not think it ever will be.

I come to this site every day but rarely comment.I sometimes feel my spouse's betrayal was not as serious as many here.He had a 6 month EA with a former employee.Both were retired at the time,but I was still employed part time.We have been together as business partners and a couple for 44 years.He was the most honest and honorable person I knew.I never suspected an EA when he informed me that he had found a walking partner.The walks quickly became lunches,breakfasts,drives,texts while I was working.He considered them "friends",but kept the extent a secret.I found out end of October 2023 and was gutted and devastated.He did and is still doing all the right things for reconciliation and things are going well.I still hurt badly but am a lot better than at the beginning.I know it was not physical because of "man problems",but the emotional betrayal still hurts so much.THe trust is gone and I will never forgive him,but I have accepted the EA as part of my history.We do love each other and are commited and are better with each other than ever before.I have now retired full time and we spend all our time together.Anyways,just to say I do come to this site daily and find it full of helpful and kind advice.I am not great with writing but appreciate all the well spoken people on here.Everyone has such great insight and expresses it well.

I will also add that I am so embarassed that I have not talked to anyone about it.I could not find good counsellors and have been using this site as therapy.We both read all the books and my BH did on line courses and counselling but I am not comfortable talking to anyone about this.

Some people lurk for a long time before creating a profile. Then they lurk longer. And some eventually post. And what do many of them get?

DIVORCE HIS ASS.
No kids? RUN!
You need therapy.
You'll always be the second choice now.
R is impossible. Anyone who says they're R'ed is fooling themselves.

When someone's not ready to hear something, they're going to reject it and turn elsewhere. I know this firsthand. I described my H's behavior in a midlife crisis forum before DDay, and they all said, "Girl, he's cheating on you." They were all correct, of course, but I was so steeped in denial that I could not hear it. I literally did not consider infidelity as a remote possibility until two hours before the MC appointment where my H confessed. It's right there in black and white in my journal.

And even if WE can see that their WS is toxic AF and that attempting R would be a bad idea, we need to pose R as a possibility because that's what the new BS wants in that moment. If you tell a newly diagnosed cancer patient that there's no hope, they're going to reject that terrifying diagnosis and seek a second opinion. It's the same dynamic here.

We need to be gentle with new SI friends.

I don't post much but I read every day. I divorced my sex addict WH within 7 months of dday, so I don't feel like I have much that would be new or different to add to other people's posts. I'm a newbie and I got out of infidelity pretty quick, so I'd rather leave the advice to the more experienced/seasoned SI members.

One of the reasons I dont comment often.In my last comment I referred to my WS as BH.He was not betrayed,he did the betraying.There was no BH,only a BW.I have trouble with these short forms.

DIVORCE HIS ASS.
No kids? RUN!
You need therapy.
You'll always be the second choice now.
R is impossible. Anyone who says they're R'ed is fooling themselves.

Yes, this is a mainstay for advice. And frankly, if you want out of infidelity, If you want to heal in the fastest most complete way... Sorry but this is the advice.

Sure some stay for "the kids", bad idea, I tried it. Some really value marriage and will do anything to keep it together. Bad Idea, I tried it. I could go on.

And with very few exceptions I do think R is almost impossible, but even when it works, does it?

I am not sure. Infidelity has many and far reaching effects. It hurt me in ways I still cannot explain. But what hurt more was not being true to myself. Not doing what I knew I should do until much, much later.

In fact, for those that don't know, I stayed and tried until I had a stroke. Could have died.

After that, I lived for me, and she was not part of it.

DIVORCE HIS ASS.
No kids? RUN!
You need therapy.
You'll always be the second choice now.
R is impossible. Anyone who says they're R'ed is fooling themselves.

Yes, this is a mainstay for advice. And frankly, if you want out of infidelity, If you want to heal in the fastest most complete way... Sorry but this is the advice.

Disagree. Strongly. This advice sucks ass (with the exception of "get to therapy") and it alienates newbies.

Well, everyone has their right to their own opinion.

It worked for me eventually.

It worked for me eventually

Right, but how would you have felt being given that advice on your first post? I think we need to ease people into it. Instead of "DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE!" which is terrifying to most newbs, temper it. "It would be a good idea to consult an attorney so that you're equipped with information" is so much softer.

PS. I'm sorry for being an asshole. I need to work on my delivery too!

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 8:46 PM, Wednesday, April 9th]

I think people come to this site and disappear from this site, for a plethora of individual reasons.

Personally, I joined this site within 1 week of my dday. I was confused. I was in shock. I was in denial. I was devastated. I was trying to find relatable stories. I was looking for a shred of hope. I was looking for advice from people who have walked in my shoes, but were a million miles ahead of me for guidance.

I think most people here, who are the more frequent commenters, have a professional, and therapeutical demeanour about them. They are genuine in their responses, and thorough in their explanations - I know I appreciate more of an insightful and thoughtful response vs. a quick smack with a "2 x 4."

Most people would much rather be approached with compassion and empathy over a slap to the face (especially those freshly BS). I’ve witnessed people project (maybe not intentionally) their own experiences onto someone else’s. Some members are still very much struggling with their own infidelity journey that they are blinded by their own pain and they almost "lash" out at others - if that makes sense.

While I believe most people here want to offer "the best" advice to fellow SIers, we all have a very individual path to take - there are no shortcuts to "surviving infidelity."

Right, but how would you have felt being given that advice on your first post? I think we need to ease people into it. Instead of "DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE!" which is terrifying to most newbs, temper it. "It would be a good idea to consult an attorney so that you're equipped with information" is so much softer.

PS. I'm sorry for being an asshole. I need to work on my delivery too! laugh

Look I will play a little while. I understand that you disagree with my position. I get it.

Things you should know about me and why I feel this way, if you care and you do not have to in any way...

First, off, there was not an internet when this happened to me, much less SI. Books about this were nonexistent.

Second, I knew what I needed to do right off the bat, but I did not know if I could get full or at least primary custody... So that was a concern.

Third, if I did not get full custody, I did not want her to have too much access. She was mentally unstable but at that point I did not know how bad she actually was. And remember, I was really young and stupid.

So, I actually tried and sold myself down the river to try and keep my kids safe and raise them the best I could. So I really tried.

Now, after years and stuff that I do not want to spend the time writing out, her long time, hidden, prescription drug addiction to name but one... I had my stroke. I recovered for the most part. No long term problems for the most part.

As I was laying in the Hospital bed, for the first time in my life, at maybe 50, I said... hold on, this is crazy and if I do not get out I am going to die. Now, if you have never had a near death experience, let me tell you brother... It wakes you up like nothing else.

When she was finally out of my house and out of my life I could finally breath. I felt like the entire world was lifted off my shoulders.

It helped that the kids were older and I had mostly raised them already. I notice that I said "I raised them" because I did. She was a non person and a non parent.

Anyway, for me, that is the exact advice that works. I wish during the hell that I was living through that someone, anyone would have said, she is a mentally ill cheater, and a drug addict and she will never do anything but bring you misery.

If someone could have impressed the truth on me, I would have had a different life. But everyone around the periphery were just too nice or too proper or whatever to tell me the truth. And don't forget about people that are in a situation and they are so close the cannot see the trees. Those people need the repeated truth.

I just thank God that I made it through, and by the grace of God my Kids (3) turned out to be successful and well adjusted for the most part.

So, I get that lots of people don't like my style of advice. But I would have given my left nut for the truth, as many times as it took me to understand it.

But that is just me...

If someone could have impressed the truth on me, I would have had a different life.

That's a big if, though, isn't it? Like I said in my earlier comment, I couldn't embrace the truth at first because I was in such denial. I would venture a guess that most people are reeling when they first find out and clueless about the best course of action, so they come to us. Even though we might see that their case is really bad and R is unlikely to be successful, if they're not ready to hear "DIVORCE HIS ASS", saying that to them bluntly doesn't do a lick of good. It could push them away from SI.

Most people would much rather be approached with compassion and empathy over a slap to the face (especially those freshly BS). I’ve witnessed people project (maybe not intentionally) their own experiences onto someone else’s. Some members are still very much struggling with their own infidelity journey that they are blinded by their own pain and they almost "lash" out at others - if that makes sense.

Yes! This! Well said.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 10:05 PM, Wednesday, April 9th]

I actually disagree that low/declining engagement or the increase in "drive-by posters" has much, if anything to do with tone being harsh.

I think that a lot of people who discover the site are looking for quick, easy answers… as if they were searching for an apple pie recipe, a coupon code, or how to beat a boss fight in a video game. But then they come here and the overwhelming consensus among the posters— pro-R and pro-D alike—is that getting out of infidelity is complex, difficult, and time-consuming. Especially if your goal is reconciliation, then you’re facing years of hard work that requires full engagement and commitment from both parties.

A short post that says "dump his ass" is arguably less scary to a new user than the message that it takes "2-5 years to recover from infidelity, and that’s the best-case scenario with a remorseful spouse whose completely come clean and is fully invested in the process."

Also, SI is a single-purpose site, whereas someone who posts in Reddit (for example) will be on the site for other things and so will be posting on it anyway.

Lastly, the main quality of SI— which is perhaps it’s flaw too— is that to get the benefit of it, you need to be willing to invest the time in writing detailed posts (so people get the full context of situation), parse through a lot of responses (which, though fewer than in the past, are of a much higher quality), and build rapport with other users.

In fact, I stopped and started this very post multiple times today just because I had a crazy busy day and I really try to avoid posting unless I feel like I have something meaningful to say. A lot of people just don’t have the time and patience for that.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 10:43 PM, Wednesday, April 9th]

This man put together some interesting points - would be nice to push new betrayed towards this info:

DobleTraicion (original poster member #78414)posted at 5:53 PM on Monday, July 15th, 2024

Been thinking on this for a while. I know we have resorces on this site that deal with this but bear with me here.

As I continue to conduct a post mortum of my first marriage and betrayal that happened as a young husband and father, I can now clearly see some of the behaviors that contributed to the misery that occured over the subsequent decade that I decided to stay. In case a newly betrayed stumbles on this thread, I thought Id list some of them and ask for others input:

• Being wayyyy too nice. If I could reach back through time Id grab my young man self and try to drive some sense into me to elucidate that the altruistic, many times, get slaughtered, like sheep do. This is why I had to read resources like No More Mr Nice Guy

• White knighting it. Kind of related to the first but with the added dimension of a savior complex, i.e. Ive got enough love to save us both. Ah, young D.T. this will get you nowhere fast.

• Stubbornly refusing to acknowledge the death of the marriage. See above.

• Stuffing the anger. Anger is so very potent and if it is not acknowledged and vented in a non destructive way, it WILL eat you up inside.

• Isolating/go it alone. Terrible choice. I was horribly equipped to deal with this betrayal, especially as it was a x2 (wife and best friend). I needed help desperately. I did seek help much later, after it was all over but I cant help but think what may have been had I reached out back then.

• Staying for the kids. This had such powerful pull, but all it did was cause terrible friction/tension in the home and the kids could easily sense it.

• Settling for semi-remorse. This was very bad. She blew hot and cold when it came to true remorse. It left me in limbo and my inaction led to a frankenmarriage.

• ETA - Passive-aggressive behaviors (see my post at bottom of this page).

• ETA2 - False guilt. I went through a brief spate of false guilt (what did I do wrong to vause this?) but this was short lived.

• ETA3 - Internalizing the pain & grief and not allowing myself to mourn the loss of what we had (compounded by being first and only's).

• ETA4 - Staying in the same home for altruistic reasons, the foremost being that my WW loved the home.

• ETA5 - Turning a blind eye to/minimizing red flags, because, surely it cant be what it seems.

That is - point out what you do and how it can affect your future and your goal.

look up utoob for "15 Things Cheater Say"

I think offering new people the suggestion of reading some specific threads to get how life develops as time passes after the
famous "D Day" happens.

Suggest they visit the pinned threads in top of JFO forum
Ditto for the "Healing Library"

Two who divorced: Spaceghost0007 and TurnOtherCheek

Two who stayed: Walloped and BeyondRage

Lots of pertinent info in the threads.

Long post to say - there are lots of ways to provide help other than the "verbal head smash with a bat"

I think offering new people the suggestion of reading some specific threads to get how life develops as time passes after the
famous "D Day" happens.

This is a terrific idea.

ADD - why the cheater cheats - this 1st post in thread is a BH lamenting cheating women.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/557184/why-good-women-in-good-lt-mariages-cheat/

By RealityBlows - have not seen him in a while

I agree with BluesPower, 100%. And as there are plenty of different perspectives on here, many that will give a bunch of 'softer' takes that leavens the fewer so-called blunt takes, this goes DOUBLE.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:27 PM, Thursday, April 10th]

I am a lurker here. I mostly read to understand my screwed up anger over my ex from literally almost 40 years ago. I was lied to, humiliated ...

Anyway, I think there are posters that are writing fiction. I'm sure it is against the rules to point them out but....Some write with good grammer sometimes not so good, sometimes multiple usernames at the same time.

I am not sure why they do it and leave. I can tell though...