SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I wasn't sure I was going to do an update this year.

I previously did the annual update for me, to kind of measure the long, difficult journey through the horror show of infidelity.

I'm not even certain my being healed up helps anyone else, other than the idea that most of us do eventually find a way back to a sense of normalcy. Not normal, normalcy -- normal adjacent.

I generally open with a reminder that I don't care what path anyone here takes, as long as they are able to move forward from the trauma in their own way.

R, D or stuck somewhere in the middle, I just hope everyone gets to the other side of their pain.

As for me, I am grateful SI includes support for people who choose to try and put their M back together.

There was a thread I saw a little bit ago asking if there are any positives from infidelity.

No.

There is nothing positive about the person you love the most turning their backs on you and your relationship. Nothing good about any of it.

However, there are positives in the strength we didn't know we had, the strength to survive and thrive, the willpower to push ahead.

It is more than 'whatever doesn't kill us" stuff -- being betrayed is a life reset button.

I got to wake up at some point and focus on me and figure out I wanted out life, and if I chose to stay, what I needed from any relationship, much less rebuilding an M from the ground up.

No WS necessarily 'deserves' a last chance.

That said, I'll always be glad I offered my wife a last shot, regardless of how things go.

Sometimes, good people make horrible decisions, make horrible choices, and they either learn from those things or they don't.

All I know now is, my wife and I are lovable, flawed humans who keep finding a way to make life better for each other now. I understand how some people prefer to define others by their worst moments. Life and people in general tend to live somewhere in the middle of their best and worst choices. So, I gave my wife some room to grow and be her best self. And I'm a far better partner now as well.

We hit every branch in the mistake tree. My bad choices were different, they didn't include infidelity, but my focus on hanging out with my pals and leaning too hard into alcohol made me less than ideal at times. No, never an excuse for someone to cheat, I'm just saying, I recognized some things I would need to change whether I left the M or stayed.

It's part of the real forgiveness stuff, knowing most of us are capable of being better and doing better.

I would love to say I never think about the A, but yeah, I have some days where it haunts me, I am just able to focus on the now much faster than 5-6 years ago.

I can safely say, I will always hate the A and will never have anything nice to say about our former "family friend" AP.

Otherwise, I'm at peace.

Our M is as strong as it has ever been.

I had a health issue last year. My wife went above and beyond and I'm not only recovered, I'm in the best shape of my life a year later. She helped a lot.

That year of getting better was a reflection of all the hard work we did to rebuild every aspect of our relationship.

I don't care what the odds are, if two people BOTH want the M to heal, it can happen.

It is uphill both ways, but I'm glad we got here.

Oldwounds, thank you for this update 💚

I’m so glad you have found a happy place and continue to thrive.

‘ I understand how some people prefer to define others by their worst moments.’

^^this! It’s easy to do. This is the part for me I struggle with because whenever something happens that I don’t like in our marriage I still always return to the A, regardless of relevance to the issue at hand. I don’t want to be that person.

This is the part for me I struggle with because whenever something happens that I don’t like in our marriage I still always return to the A, regardless of relevance to the issue at hand. I don’t want to be that person

It’s so normal for where you are in your timeline though. It takes a lot of time and intentional effort to build trust back. Your reaction isn’t because you are "that person" it’s because your husband has blown up your trust. That is going to cause you to look for signs whether to trust him or not. He has failed a few times in places that could have been opportunities to build it back.

In time if he continues to work on stepping up, being honest, and being a man who is worthy of a marriage with you, I have no doubt you will be able to move away from this enough to be comfortable. However, certain things in my experience will likely always be amplified because if the affair. It’s just milder, far less frequent, and easier to rebound from in a successful reconciliation.

Some of the difference is also the life lived in between the affair and where one stands later. For example, old wounds talks about how his wife helped him through a health issue. I am not transactional in the way I think about relationships, so I am not saying she did that to make amends for the affair. In fact, because they have a successful R I know in fact it’s because she learned how to love and be loved. But these instances are things that take you further and further from who he was to who he is now, assuming he does the work to make it so.

If your h gets to that point the authenticity of it will be evident to you, and it sort of starts to balance out how you see him as a person again.

Right now, you are in a waiting phase for him to prove himself over an extended period of time. You can only relate who he is through his own recent history. That’s not you being flawed, but I do think you put a lot of pressure on yourself.

I don't care what the odds are, if two people BOTH want the M to heal, it can happen.

It is uphill both ways, but I'm glad we got here.

Amen. So happy for you both. I am sitting here with you and nodding my head in agreement with everything you said.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:48 PM, Friday, May 23rd]

^this! It’s easy to do. This is the part for me I struggle with because whenever something happens that I don’t like in our marriage I still always return to the A, regardless of relevance to the issue at hand. I don’t want to be that person.

Webbit - thanks for the kind words!

I hope your healing is going as well as it can be.

Don’t worry about being that person, you’re already trying to give your WS a chance — kind of up to him to make the most of the opportunity.

I saw an interesting meme today online somewhere that noted, "Unconditional love doesn’t mean unconditional tolerance."

So, give yourself some kindness and some time, as Hikingout wisely observed, to let your WS show you more consistent changes.

Hey Hiking -

In fact, because they have a successful R I know in fact it’s because she learned how to love and be loved.

She really has and it has made all the difference in the world. A key aspect of how the relationship is so much better than ever before.

I’m better at it too, and that’s the part where a good IC can help. Any time any of us get betrayed, it is very comfortable hiding behind the big walls we build to protect ourselves after the emotional trauma.

Anyway, I’ve mentioned before my wife has never posted here, but she has read a bunch, especially during the early years after dday, and Hiking, you helped her a bunch with your posts along the way.

Thanks for sharing. Here's to a good 10th year and beyond!

Your posts are always helpful, IMO.

@Oldwounds

I gave my wife some room to grow and be her best self.

How did you do this?

I'm in a situation (7 months from DDAY) where I feel like I've done everything to give my wife a chance and she's just not doing much to make me think that she will ever come around. I feel like at some point I'm just going to have to call it quits.

How did you do this?

I'm in a situation (7 months from DDAY) where I feel like I've done everything to give my wife a chance and she's just not doing much to make me think that she will ever come around. I feel like at some point I'm just going to have to call it quits.

It helped that my wife owned it.

She let go of the bullshit rationalizations she held on to for years. She kept the A secret and had originally planned to take that secret to the grave, but confessed when I asked some pointed questions about the distance in our M.

Some WS have a very difficult time letting go of the shame, and they can get trapped or stuck with the idea that no matter what they do, they can’t make up for the pain caused.

It’s true, no WS can make up for it.

The difference is in trying to rebuild it all anyway.

The effort has to come from someone not afraid to go all in and it may or may not be enough, but they give their all anyway. That’s not easy. A healthy relationship has balance. Infidelity destroys that balance. R is the BS accepting the unfair part and the WS is accepting the deficit they caused, and each person sort of emotionally limping back toward the other.

My wife’s line, and she kept to her word this last decade, was, "I broke it, I need to be the one to fix it."

She was half right, she may have broke it, but it took TWO of us to fix it. The key is, she owned all of her choices and worked really hard to show she was far better than her worst days.

Thanks for sharing. Here's to a good 10th year and beyond!

Your posts are always helpful, IMO.

Sisoon!

Thanks for the kind words and thanks once more for all advice and care over the years.

I realize your SI nickname is borrowed from the site name — but with all the work helping so many others for such a long time — maybe the site should be changed to SI Soon.

Not normal, normalcy -- normal adjacent.

Love it. Can’t say enough about how much you helped me on my journey, IT. It brings me real joy to know you have this goodness in your life.

I think there are "positives" that can come out of infidelity.

I became much stronger in standing up for myself. In the past I gave in to avoid an argument. Not any more since affair#2.

I don’t believe his lies.

He can no longer gaslight and/or stonewall me.

I’m not his maid service and I don’t do his laundry, errands, etc. I decided to go back to our dating life when he had to do those things for himself.

I have my own $ and am financially independent. Smartest thing I ever did. Fully protected.

I learned how to win at arguments without yelling or getting irate. Something I wish I knew years ago.

I’m not saying I’m glad fidelity hit me 2X in our marriage. But after affair #1 I wasn’t smart enough to make changes. After affair#2 I realized if I didn’t change, neither would he.

I hope this helps someone.

I really appreciate your posts so much. Thank you for the update; it’s always helpful to me to see where people are.

Love it. Can’t say enough about how much you helped me on my journey, IT. It brings me real joy to know you have this goodness in your life.

Brother IH -

Thanks very much for the kind words!

You have helped me as well, from your tough questions (for you and me at times) to your empathy and soulful observations.

A nice part of OH is a chance to ‘meet’ good humans here — a place where we gather to share pain and hopefully heal from some of it — along the way.

I do hope you are getting in some good moments now as you move forward.

-IT

Hey Grieving -

I really appreciate your posts so much. Thank you for the update; it’s always helpful to me to see where people are.

Thanks very much!

I do wonder if updates are helpful or not, and if it is helpful in any way at all, then I’m glad I jumped in to do it.

I hope your healing journey is going well!

The1stWife -

I think we may be in agreement, with either a slight perspective difference or maybe a unique way to view the good that comes in recovery.

I think there are "positives" that can come out of infidelity.

To clarify, I’m staying with the idea that absolutely nothing at all is good about infidelity.

Being invisible to one’s spouse is the least worst part of it all, but none of the behavior that happens during an A helped me or my life in any way.

The agency we gain the power of the healing for me is how we choose to respond to the adversity, how we choose to empower ourselves despite the horror show around us.

What I mean is, we all have different tragedies along the way, loss of people we love, illness, physical trauma, emotional trauma, and the power we get from choosing strength in recovering from any bad thing is where the good stuff happens.

From my original post, " However, there are positives in the strength we didn't know we had, the strength to survive and thrive, the willpower to push ahead."

That’s where we seem to be in complete agreement.

I see the standing up you did for you — that’s awesome, and none of it is because of your spouse’s horrible choices — it is because of how you decided to take back your life AFTER infidelity.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 5:40 PM, Monday, May 26th]

Glad you are going strong, brother.

I, too, never use the word "better" in describing the new marriage. There's nothing "better" about the lost innocence, shattering pain, or dead marriage.

But it is more authentic. We've acquired communication skills we never realized we were sorely lacking. And I am entirely comfortable in calling out disrespect, injustice, and bad behavior anywhere in life. I've learned that my old self can die and I can grow a new man, and how to accept and adapt to the changes in him.

You, me, Cap, we were in it at the same time, and I'll always be grateful for you and your insights, relatability, and solid presence here. Good to see you doing well. Oorah.

God bless,

-M

Oldwounds, congratulations on your continued success with the marriage. We all here know how it takes continued engagement, especially after infidelity to keep a marriage on track. You are a testament to how hard work and keeping your eye on the goal can lead to a great marriage, which it seems you have!

Oldwounds thanks for this. I'm in a similar place but 4 years out from Dday. She's done everything right but I think it's still the triggers (everyone's different and honestly sometimes you can laugh at yourself on what does it...I have a few odd ones) and as someone mentioned, avoiding the trap of weaponizing the affair in all disagreements etc, that have nothing to do with the affair. I avoid that but the mind wanders to that dark spot still. I consider our case a positive one and headed down the right path but remember that we have all presented this opportunity to our WS as a gift and they need to treat it that way. I feel it's a lot like what those who struggle with addiction describe it as: There's no finish line to this marathon. If you chose to run it, you just have to lean into with love and trust that's been earned by your wayward.

Thanks Bos --

There's no finish line to this marathon. If you chose to run it, you just have to lean into with love and trust that's been earned by your wayward.

However things turn out for you, it sounds like you have a healthy mindset.

And yeah, this last sentence you posted is critical, there is no spiking the football, there is no finish line -- but there are better days as both partners work toward each other.