SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I recently found out my partner of 10 years, husband of 6 months has been having an affair with a woman at work.

The affair really began two months before we got married, and then continued straight after for another four months. Mainly daily messaging and a couple of drunken kisses.

It only stopped once the other partner found out, 2 months before I found out. And even then communication had not stopped completely.

Since me finding out, he has told me how he wants to make things work with me, loves me deeply and that all she was was a distraction, meant nothing and he got nothing from the affair.

I guess my question is what do I do now? I turn 30 in a few months, we don’t have children. Do I need to leave? How do I move past this if not?

Literally any advice would help. Thank you

[This message edited by Cfw243 at 3:59 PM, Tuesday, May 27th]

At a minimum, he ends all contact with her, 100%. He gets a new job. Right now.

If he won’t do that, then leave.

If he does do that, see how you feel in six months, or a year. It’s a long road.

Best wishes.

I just posted something on the general forum and thought you may find it useful, so have reworked it to be applicable to your scenario.

Firstly I'm sorry you're going through this. This is an incredibly painful and disorienting situation, and it's completely understandable that you're seeking clarity. There's no single, universally "correct" answer to "what do I do now?" after infidelity, as the optimal choice is profoundly individual. The path you take will be intrinsically linked to your own core character traits.

To begin, I encourage you to reflect deeply on your own temperament. Consider if you align more with these traits:

High self-belief: Do you hold a strong conviction that you deserve better than a situation involving betrayal?
Unmovable principles: Do you have a firm moral stance against infidelity that you feel cannot be compromised?
Highly logical nature: Do you tend to prioritize rational considerations over purely emotional ones in major life decisions?

If you resonate strongly with these characteristics, then happily reconciling might prove impossible for you. A high self-belief would likely prevent you from accepting a diminished perception of your worth by remaining with a betrayer. Your unmovable principles would likely preclude staying in a relationship that fundamentally violates your core values. Furthermore, a highly logical approach might lead you to view the "intangible" aspects of reconciliation as less significant than the practical reality of the betrayal, recognizing the vast pool of compatible partners that exist. For individuals with this outlook, divorce often offers the most direct and assured route to recovery.

Conversely, you might find yourself aligning with a different set of traits:

High empathy: Do you have a strong capacity to understand and share the feelings of another, including your partner's potential remorse or struggles, and a desire to explore the root causes of the betrayal?
Regard for forgiveness as a high virtue: Do you believe forgiveness is a moral imperative and a powerful path to healing and rebuilding?
Highly Emotional Nature: Do you tend to prioritize the deep emotional investment, shared history, and unique bond built over time, even above purely rational assessments?

If these traits resonate more strongly, you might be inclined to pursue reconciliation. Your empathy could allow you to understand his struggles, and your value for forgiveness could drive you to seek healing and rebuilding. Prioritizing emotional connections and shared history might lead you to preserve the relationship despite the betrayal. As the text notes, reconciliation is often more prevalent among those who highly value forgiveness, including religious individuals, and there's a correlation with higher empathy.

Given that you are 30, without children, and the affair was relatively recent and involved "drunken kisses" but also "daily messaging" and continued communication even after the other partner found out, these specifics are important. Your partner's claims that it "meant nothing" and was "just a distraction" are also part of the emotional landscape you must evaluate through the lens of your own core traits.

Ultimately, "do you need to leave?" is a question only you can answer, based on this deep self-reflection. If you choose to leave it could be the "fastest and most assured route to recovery." If you choose to attempt reconciliation, be aware that it is a profoundly challenging path requiring immense effort from both sides to rebuild trust and address the underlying issues. Regardless of your decision, prioritizing your own healing and well-being is paramount.

I am so sorry your "honeymoon" period has been impacted by infidelity. I think that you deserve better and it is unfortunate you married him not knowing the truth.

Because had you known before the wedding, there may not have been a wedding.

Here’s my thoughts.

You are never obligated to remain in a marriage or relationship that does not bring joy and happiness and love etc. If you decide to Reconcile now, that does not mean you are stuck with that decision. You can change your mind at any time.

Let’s say a year from now you really do not believe he has done everything possible to make amends. You are not happy and you feel as though he could and should be doing more. You can decide to separate or divorce because you have done your best BUT you just don’t feel he has done HIS best.

Second, if his cheating opens your eyes to who he is (not the person he pretended to be or the person you thought he was) and you are not happy with that, then it may be the cheating is a deal breaker and you should consider divorce.

Lastly, things are supposed to be happy and fun during this stage of your relationship/marriage. What happens when he fits 50 and hates his life or is bored or some cute 30yo flirts with him — what will he do? If cheating is his "go to" behavior I think you would want to know that now.

I would also suggest you get some professional counseling. You want someone who supports you. If I had done that after my H’s first EA of 4 years, there would not have been a second affair.

I hope this helps you.

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry that you're being affected by infidelity. There are some posts pinned to the top of the page that we encourage new members to read. Also, there are some that aren't pinned that are great resources that have a bull's eye icon. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and have a lot of great resources.

Please be sure to take care of you. If you're having trouble with depression or sleeping, please see your doctor about some meds to help you through. Also, please be tested for STDs/STIs, and your WH (wayward husband) needs tested, too. There are some nasty diseases out there that can turn into cancer and are life-threatening.

He needs to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. Your WH should do IC to work on becoming a safe partner. He needs to go NC (no contact) with the AP (affair partner) and look for a different job. Electronic transparency is a must, as well as any boundaries that you may feel will help you feel safe. Watch his actions and don't listen to his words. He's already proven he's a cheater and a liar.

See a lawyer or several to see what D (divorce) would look like. Doesn't mean you need to D, but it will give you knowledge. You don't have to make any decisions right now, unless this is a deal-breaker for you.

Welcome.

First of all; go to the about menu at the top of the page and read the guidelines. They aren’t many nor complex, but one of them states that public PM requests/announcements are not permitted on the forums. As a member of staff I also want to warn others about what they share or state in PM’s. We do our best to protect anonymity but can’t control what you share with others.

I wonder how stating she meant nothing is supposed to make you feel better...
Lets rephrase that conversation: Honey – I risked our 10 year relationship and new marriage for something that didn’t mean anything to me or had any value to me.

I would suggest the following:
To reconcile you IMHO need some things:
He needs to be 100% truthful to you. Although possible then a six-month affair limited to kissing isn’t really believable. It’s too teenage, too high-school. If they have/had daily contact at work there is just too much opportunity for more.
Look – You can save this marriage even if they had a twice-daily romp in the break-room – BUT ONLY IF YOU KNOW THE TRUTH.
So to me that’s the key factor: knowing the truth.

Second: He needs to understand why he did this. This wasn’t done for no reason. It’s probably true that SHE isn’t the issue. IMHO most affairs are a form of validation, so he needs to figure why he needs this extreme form of validation. Validation is fine, we all need it in some form or other. Him marrying you for example should be a validation of love and care.

Third: You need to feel safe.
It’s our collective experience here that while there is any form of contact – even if it’s only at work and sharing the newest budget numbers – then the betrayed spouse is not safe. He, or she needs to change jobs.

If you had all these things in place you could start on the (usually) 2-3 year journey of reconciling. For that time, any major change like buying a home, having kids, cosigning cards and debt and cars... should be avoided. The money you might have saved for a down-payment – that goes to therapy and counseling.

IMHO it would not be sensible to ignore the risk that this ends in divorce. With a marriage this short then seriously look into how your finances might have intertwined by marriage, and especially if you brought more to the table (like if you had a house or savings) then seriously look into an annulment or even divorce. Maybe a postnup (although they tend to have limited legal value) or some agreement where the terms of divorce are outlined if you do reach that decision in the next 36 months.

My WW asked me, "If you knew I was going to have an affair, would you have still married me?"

Easy answer for me was, no of course not.

My advice is to divorce now, only six months in, still under 30 with no kids.

I’ve been married for 22 years, have four kids, and I’m now 52. I think it gets harder to divorce the more you have invested in the relationship. And I’m not saying being with your partner for 10 years is not an investment, just that you’re still in a position to take control of the remainder of your life without factoring in major financial and social challenges.

Good luck!

So sorry to read this happened. My advice? I agree with 4characters, it will only get harder to break away the longer you stay in this situation and 30 is the new 21. You could have just been getting out of a decade of schoolwork and meeting your first adult peer. Instead, your live-in-BF-turned-legal-partner has betrayed his own stated values. Sounds to me like he already got bored. So why did he choose marriage? Did you have to drop hints to turn things in that direction, like I did, or was finally getting married his idea?

These are difficult, painful questions but ones that come from my own life history with my 2nd WH, whom I dated for 4 years and after I'd bought a house of my own, I wanted to either be moving forward together towards marriage OR I wanted to stop letting him take up all my precious time. He never knew what his future goals were and in hindsight, I should have taken his indecisiveness as a huge red flag. He enjoyed our steady dating relationship for the friendship and familiarity, but he was not at all committed to a monogamous future and deep down, I knew he felt no passionate devotion to me. That is what his indecisiveness came out of, plus he was a sex addict with a history he hid from me for another 5 years, too. So that's why I asked. Sorry if that doesn't apply.

If you can find one, a good counselor for rebuilding your self-esteem and healing from betrayal plus a quick trip to see a lawyer as Bigger advised, is your best therapy, IMHO. Again, very sad story but the fact is you will spend years trying to get around this boulder in your life. Or you could start over. I vote for starting over,

I know way too many people who got married because of inertia. You two went through your 20s being committed enough to be married so after a while it seemed like a good idea. What he should have done was told you the truth. He did not want to get married. He liked floating along on his life raft on the quiet pond of your current relationship. Instead he cheated. Every single person I know who cheated and left admitted they were slowly backed into a corner, mostly because of emotional laziness. Their parents were friends of the bride’s/groom’s family, they looked like the perfect couple, they dated a long time, they had the same values…. In other words getting out of the commitment looked like too much trouble, and they still sort of loved the other, so they went along with the whole thing. I have no idea if this is what happened but for him to misbehave once the wedding loomed says a lot without him opening his mouth.

This might have scared him enough to behave in the future but… Of course I have a husband who cheated after marriage and children because he wanted to. So I have no suggestions except to have a very frank talk about whether he actually wanted to get married. It might take MC to get the truth from him. Good luck.

Cooley2here expresses just what I was trying to say about such relationships but in a lot better detail. I'm betting that being s husband wasn't his overarching goal from the beginning. I don't know if many young men these days want to get married, so much as they want access to the benefits of coupledom.