SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

He wants you to be the one who leaves. Then he can date the OW because you left him. I hope you are talking to a bulldog of an attorney to make sure you have your finances protected.

Spot on Cooley.

My H did the same thing and I think he was hoping I would be the one to file for D. This way he could tell himself that I left him and he had no part in it and make himself look good to the kids.

Missmee, I know your kids will be disappointed if you D. But you cannot stay with someone who is just being a jerk to you.

And yes, at some point, the kids need to know that. Otherwise they may blame you for the D and that is unfair to you as well.

I’m sorry you are living with him. You deserve better than this and the mental anguish is going to continue unfortunately. For some reason cheaters believe they are the prize and that they can say and do whatever they want to their spouse — especially during the affair.

Your correct.

So we’ve had a surprisingly great Christmas!

He seems more open with answers to questions I ask but lies he’s told previously are now unraveling and making more sense. Which is disappointing. I’m so disappointed that he’s done all of this and honestly can’t believe he would or could be capable of it.

He still won’t block or give access to the phone. I’ve given up on asking about these now. He seems to want to rugsweep everything. And wants to continue our relationship. Red flags all over!

It’s still a mess in reality. But the last few weeks I don’t feel the same towards him, I don’t look at him the same and I’m certain I’m not in love with him.

Infidelity was always a deal breaker for me. I’ve tried numerous times with him and he continued to betray me. I don’t see him in my future anymore. And I don’t look back previously before the affair with sorrow anymore.

[This message edited by Missmee at 9:00 AM, Saturday, December 27th]

Big argument today I asked him to leave but he has nowhere to go. He doesn’t have any living family and those that are aren’t really good people. He said he wouldn’t go back to ow because he doesn’t want to be with her.

He’s made it very clear again with actions and words he doesn’t love me how he should and that he’s only here for the children. He’s told me how over the years I’ve drained him and not been a good enough partner to him.

So I’m guessing maybe this was an exit affair?
I’m abit sad about what’s he’s said because although we’ve argued like other people he’s never really mentioned everything he has recently. I’m not sure if I’m best to stay because of the children or what I should do? The children see me as the bad guy but I know when they get older they will understand. They had a vote earlier between themselves that mom should leave not dad. Which was another punch to the gut but they don’t understand it all.

Realistically none of us can afford to move out. We have no savings anymore. I don’t work and everything I have he’s brought. I have started look for work. I’m going to look into a course or something I can do to get my skill set up. I just feel I’m stuck. I feel the only outcome at the moment is he gets that fed up of me he walks out to be with OW or he finds another one.

I am so sorry for your continued pain and suffering due to your cheating H.

I would never suggest in-house separation for a variety of reasons, especially in your case. If he has nowhere else to go and financially you (or him) cannot afford another home, you may have no choice. But you will be the one paying the price for that decision as he is mean and verbally abusive to you.

It’s unfair and so damaging that the children are taking sides against you. And that is exactly what the cheater hopes for and will use as leverage against you.

Which is why I was hoping he did not return to your home.

You need to learn how to stop engaging with him. It’s the only way to survive this until you either D or one of you moves out.

As first wife said, you may need to deal with him until you can get your ducks in a row.
How to do that? Gray rock and the 180. You have to mentally detach from him and leave an air gap there to protect yourself.

AND. Start working on a plan to get out. As you said, look for re-skilling opportunities. A battered women’s shelter may have some resources that can help here. (And some mental health resources that may be helpful, too). Open up a savings account for you to start stashing away a little at time. Even it’s just a few dollars- just start. This may take years but keep your eye on the prize and keep working toward it.

And check with a lawyer (some offer free consult) if you are eligible for any child support or alimony. Maybe it’s not as bleak as you think.

Mostly, just hang in there. You deserve better, even if it takes a few years to get there.

It’s now been a year since his affair started, 10 months since first DDay. I still can’t believe what he did and how he treated me last year! I don’t think he’s still seeing OW but can’t be certain they are not in contact and to be honest I don’t care. The last 2/3 weeks there’s been a massive shift in things. He’s aware I don’t want a relationship and keeps asking if I’m sure, he’s suggested counselling etc.. but I feel life is to short to be treated how I’ve been treated and I can’t believe or forgive the person I built a life with and spent 20 years with would do this to me.

I do feel sad and guilty for my children because I never wanted to be a solo parent and wanted the perfect family I thought we had.

I do feel sorry and guilty for him to, I’m not entirely sure why. But I keep reminding myself he didn’t care about me when he was with OW, when he put his job at risk or any other time. Previously he was a very good man I’m not sure what happened.

Currently we are still living together until he has enough money to move out or he finds the next women or goes back to her.

Mentally I’m still up and down but I think it’s starting to stick the actual reality of what’s happened.

you survived a year - that is an accomplishment. Have you met with a few lawyers? What does a potential D look like?

Keep moving forward, one small step at a time. Getting your ducks in a row will give you power and will help your mental state.

Take care of yourself and your kiddos, MM.

Mentally I’m still up and down but I think it’s starting to stick the actual reality of what’s happened.

Just know your decisions also have an impact on your kids. Choosing to remain married to someone who has done all he has done sets a very bad example for your kids.

I’m Not certain if he’s come out of the fog or will remain a lying cheating selfish jerk. He might only be asking if you "are sure" about ending the marriage or chance of reconciliation because HE has to leave and fend for himself. He has not shown any real concern for you & kids so it’s hard to know his mindset.

I hope you can establish a good co-parenting relationship somewhere down the road. I’m sure it will be challenging for you, given his past behavior during the affair.

I think you are brave in choosing to do what is best for you & kids.

Your right I think the realisation he will have to stand on his on is making him question me. And the fact he will have to still support a household and not be here plays a part.

Hes still a jerk, he’s said today you’ve made me unhappy for years I only stayed for the children. When it was good it was really good. Said he didn’t want as many children as we had yet again, we only had them because I wanted them. That we should have not had so many and lived more.

So still blames me for his affair.

I just let it go over my head, he’s a fool.

Your right I think the realisation he will have to stand on his on is making him question me. And the fact he will have to still support a household and not be here plays a part.

Hes still a jerk, he’s said today you’ve made me unhappy for years I only stayed for the children. When it was good it was really good. Said he didn’t want as many children as we had yet again, we only had them because I wanted them. That we should have not had so many and lived more.

So still blames me for his affair.

I just let it go over my head, he’s a fool.

HE just stayed for the children but did not wanted?

I stayed for my child because I wanted her.
And to give once chance to my WW to try to become the woman she is supposed to be not the one who disgusts me.

If I did not have those reasons, I'd be out.

He is not out because he is afraid to be alone. If he was unhappy would have faced you with the issues, like is normal to do.
Blaming you for the affair?

Should can his luck he can still talk to you.

Still on this rollercoaster, he’s more open to questions but still not open with his phone.

I’m certain he’s not in contact with OW but can’t be sure. I would say maybe she does not want him could be a possibility.

I have this horribly guilty feeling of separating the children’s household up even though I know it is his fault not mine but I feel responsible. I feel sorry for him because he will have to go live with bil so is potentially now homeless. And he will lose everything we worked for. Again he wasn’t worried about it.

I’m certain with my choice that I don’t want a relationship with him every time I consider trying to make it work I just picture them together and everything he put me through last year.

I’ve now noticed I’ve a lot of triggers, such as a ringtone that was his works one. Music and I can’t watch anything with affairs in, older men with younger women. It’s like a horrible sick feeling back to the first time I found out.

I’m not really sure what I’m posting about but just wanted to get it out.

This is emotional abuse. I think you just got used to it, so not necessarily seeing it as such. He is good at feeling sorry for himself, pressing your guilt buttons and blame shifting, it is all tactical. Please do not waste any sympathy on him, it is not reciprocated. Well done on doing JADE, not justifying, arguing, defending or explaining yourself, no matter how tempting, his taunts water off a duck’s back, you’re doing great at [grey] rocking it. You are effectively a secret agent on a stealth mission, to get yourself and the children safely out of infidelity. We’re all rooting for you.

[This message edited by Edie at 12:13 PM, Saturday, March 7th]

No soliciting.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:35 PM, Sunday, March 8th]

I understand (being a mother) that you put the needs of your kids first.

No one wants to be the person who chooses D.

Here’s the "but".

You do not have to suffer for your kids. You think they don’t feel it? They will. They are not immune to feeling tension and unhappiness.

Too many posters here have been the product of living in a home with parents who had a miserable marriage and they wished their parents had divorced.

You can be friends w/ your H and develop a good co-parenting relationship. Living apart and putting kids first can be hard but you can make it work.

And if he’s "homeless" or living with his brother, why is that your problem? He CHOSE to behave the way he does/did. If he was truly remorseful and willing to put you & marriage first— then you have something to work with.

But he’s not doing any of that. You "don’t think" he’s still in touch with OW. But you can’t be sure. Sadly that shows you who and what he is - a person who puts himself first and has not stepped up to the plate for you & family.

You deserve better.

And lastly, you need to stop putting HIM first. Start doing what is best for you. Because honestly, that is what your H is doing. To me, he sounds like a guy who was out living his "single" life while you were not living together.

He’s showing you and has shown you exactly who he is. Reconciling with someone who doesn’t deserve it will only keep you stuck and unhappy.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:11 PM, Sunday, March 8th]

Too many posters here have been the product of living in a home with parents who had a miserable marriage and they wished their parents had divorced.

I felt a great deal of relief when my parents divorced when I was 12 years old. I remember thinking "it's about time." They didn't fight in front of us, but you could cut the tension with a knife. My dad was a serial cheater. He kept it well hidden and mom didn't talk about it, so I didn't know about it until I was a bit older, but boy, the tension in the house. I knew mom was very unhappy and it absolutely affected both me and my sister. I think mom thought we'd be devastated by the breakup, but she couldn't be further from the truth.

Life got better for Jr Pogre and little sis when mom got her own place and took us with her.

Thank you Pogre for sharing.

As parents we believe that kids should be in a home with both parents. It’s a myth that kids can not thrive and be successful if their parents D.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. My dad was a serial cheater I grow up in a household where I wished my mom would of left my dad. She didn’t until I was mid twenties. He married the last OW and they get on better now! Although his marriage is falling apart now.

I know my children will be fine if we go the route of separation.

I know and have known I can’t forgive and forget. I’m not that kind of person.

I just feel so stuck, I have glimpses of happiness and think okay we could try to make this work and last year I would of put my all in to it. But now I look at him and I feel I don’t really know him, and I can’t actually believe what he put me through. But then I think I do love him the physical attraction is there but sometimes I just think of him with her and I’m disgusted and disappointed.

I just wish he hadn’t if done it

But then I think I do love him the physical attraction is there but sometimes I just think of him with her and I’m disgusted and disappointed.

I just wish he hadn’t if done it

Look if there was nothing good you would not have entered a relationship with him.
So it is normal you like him. It is also normal that what he did is the most messed up thing possible, the biggest evil you can do to your partner.

He might not have shot your body, but he shot your soul dead, then spit on it.

So what you do feel is normal, the only question is: is he owning his mistake and working to radically change himself?
To the point of killing the old personality and character flaw that was able to cheat, and become someone who would be disgusted by the mere idea of cheating?

That's the key step before anything else.
Wayward partners here have done that, ask them what they think about cheating, they will answer that the mere idea makes them want to vomit, especially because they have been there.
People can change, but only if they want to. They cannot be changed from outside.

This might sound harsh but...
Way back you posted that you had control over the home, could kick him out with no advance warning, could prevent him from residing there and all that.
Way back I questioned that and suggested your first step could be to really check what legal resources you have to gain some control of your life.
If I recall correctly you posted that you did have some legal advice...

Yet he’s moved back in, he’s living there, he seems to be able to refuse to move out and basically you are in the same situation as you were all those months ago...

Not surprised per se – I always doubted that you really had the powers you claimed to have.

We also suggested that you seek guidance from a domestic abuse hotline, or a women’s support group. Went through the process of explaining how this wasn’t only for physically battered women, but also helped women stuck in emotionally abusive marriages. If I recall correctly you shared that you would look into that.

Friend – and I only post this because I care – Have you taken ANY steps to further learn your legal recourse to work a way out of the present quagmire?

Remember – he’s fine with the present. I don’t think he’s waiting for you to leave. He’s waiting for you to become more manageable. I guess the affair per se is over, the OW has seen and realized he has no plans to move out from you. After all – that would force him to start paying child-support and divvy up whatever assets and debts might be in the relationship. He knows he will end up with the debts from the betting on the horses, half the house and all that, and he knows he won’t have a warm place to sleep with decent enough food. He’s wearing you out, hoping that in a few months or so you will simply fall back in line.