sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:37 PM on Sunday, October 12th, 2025
IMO, a WS has to change behavior to heal. That's the goal - new behavior. Energy spent on 'understanding' is, at best, only indirectly related to changing behavior. That's why I wrote that understanding slows down healing. And anything that slows a WS's healing can also slow a BS's healing.
I get that a WS might think, 'I was angry that my BS didn't wash dishes, and I used that as justification for cheating instead of setting a new boundary.' But that would have done nothing for me if my W had said it, unless it was followed by, '...And now I see how big a mistake in judgment that is.'
WSes need to realize on d-day that much of what they think they know is downright wrong. They need to use their energy and intelligence first to understand and later to be understood. They need to question everything they've told themselves in the past.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
