Dating has changed a lot over the years. I actually met my partner through the apps. I downloaded a couple of free dating apps (not all dating apps are good) and created profiles, reminding myself it was like finding a needle in a haystack. There were so many people who gave one-word answers, didn’t ask questions back, attached too quickly, or brought up sex way too soon.
I became really intentional about noticing red flags early on and removing myself from situations faster each time. Still, it was discouraging how many people I had to sift through because of one unhealthy behavior or another. I kept telling myself I wouldn’t settle—I wanted someone emotionally intelligent, accountable, honest, independent, and capable of being a safe space for me when I was emotionally vulnerable.
I paid close attention to how people behaved. Could they be honest even when it was uncomfortable? Could they hold space when I was vulnerable? Could they take accountability for their actions? Those things mattered to me more than anything else.
I also had a personal rule around STD testing. I got tested regularly, and I asked potential partners to do the same. We’d share results before things became physical. If someone wasn’t willing to get tested, we didn’t move forward. Most people were fine with it, but I didn’t make exceptions.
As for dates, conversations would usually start on the app for a while before we exchanged numbers. Occasionally someone would suggest meeting for a date first, after we’d chatted enough to feel comfortable. If the date went well, we’d exchange numbers afterward. Dinner was the go-to first date, since it gave us time to sit, talk, and really connect. Sometimes we’d do something more active like bowling, but mostly it was dinner and conversation.
It took me about two and a half years of consistent inner work after D-day before I started to feel more healed. I’ve stayed in therapy since Dday, and continue to go weekly—it helps me keep growing. I started dating again around three and a half years after D-day, mostly just for fun at first. I didn’t begin dating with the intention of finding something serious until around five years after D-day. Before then, I wasn’t ready yet, and I knew it. Casual dating helped me test the waters, be transparent about where I was emotionally, and learn a lot about myself in the process. That self-understanding eventually helped me reach the point where I was ready for a deeper connection.
Everyone’s healing timeline is different, but for me, taking the time to really rebuild myself before dating with intention again made all the difference. I didn’t rush it—I wanted to make sure I was showing up from a grounded, healed place rather than from pain or loneliness. When I finally did meet my partner, I could recognize healthy connection because I’d already done the inner work. If you’re just beginning that journey, give yourself grace. It gets lighter, and when you’re ready, dating can actually feel hopeful again.
