SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all,

We have been together for 13 years, married 11. Blended family. My biological 20 and 19. Her biological 19 and 14.

I found out this past Saturday, Nov 8th. It happened 15 months ago, I've always wondered about that weekend. Never would have imagined her cheating on me.

We had got into a big argument that morning over the way one of us said something. Trivial, not anything of significance but that is how most disagreements between us happened. This definitely wasn't our first fight and wouldn't be the last. Overall we've made many great memories and bonds in our relationship. That particular day I had my company picnic and she had a celebration of life to attend at a friend's house. Little did I know she'd spend that Saturday and Sunday night there ignoring all of my calls and texts. Drinking heavily and stewing over us. To the point where one of our boys and my father in law got involved because of how out of character she was acting.

She finally came home Monday night we had a sit down on Tuesday to discuss issues that we felt about our marriage. Also how she ignored me, our 2nd oldest Son and her Father all weekend. She unloaded on me with both barrels. It was as if there had never been a positive moment in our marriage of 10 years. I tried to get her to take responsibility for what she contributed to our disagreements or our triggers but she wasn't having it. A week long of her keeping me on the fence about our future and she started to come back around. Eventually life going back to "normal". I did ask her if anything happened that would worry me over that particular weekend because I noticed she was at her friends brother's house nearby to the celebration of life. Our immediate family has Life360 so we can all see where each other are. She denied up and down anything happened and had an excuse for being there. Went with him, her friends brother, to let his dog out.

Fast forward, lots of more great moments and some bad. Positive moments outweigh the negative, however the negative have been dramatized so that they outweigh the positive.... If that makes sense. Several mild disagreements have blown up into her leaving for a few nights, even taking the youngest (14) once and he didn't even know what was going on.

Prior to "that weekend" I caught her snorting coke. I was devastated because of the breach of trust that I felt. What did I do about it? What could I do? I was told that was the only time. Now tonight I find out that it's been every once in a while since we've been together for 13 years. As recently as two weekends ago. It seems the more I dig the more I find out about.

We were drinking together this past weekend, honestly having a blast singing together, dancing together. Something overcame me that triggered me to question "that weekend". At first she denied, then it was "just a kiss" and then it was, "yes, we had sex, but it was nothing, it just happened." When I heard that I removed my ring in reaction without any true thought. To my utter shock, she removed hers several minutes later. This is going to sound ridiculous but even removing my ring in reaction I was still in disbelief of what she admitted to. It was like, that didn't just really happen and I shifted my mood as if I really didn't just hear what I think I did. I normalized our moment and I put my ring back on. She followed my normalizing and suggested we go to a friend's house (different than the one from "that weekend"). I said I'd rather go to dinner. She agreed to that. We get a ride to a restaurant and as we're sitting there it begins to sink in more. I start to vocalize it, without making a scene. She doesn't want to hear it and decides she wants to go to the friends house. I suggest we just go home and she proceeds to call a cab to get a ride to her friends whom are having a party. I'm left hanging and call one of the boys girlfriend for a ride home. All other boys that drive were out of town. When I get home I try calling her, several no answers and then she does. She asks me what's up, I tell her I need her home, I don't understand what's happened. Her reply is, that she's playing cards and hanging out, we'll talk tomorrow. Then I notice her ring still on the countertop. Cumulatively that physically and mentally crushed me. Next to nothing as far as sleep and then I go pick her up Sunday morning. That is when we actually start to address everything. To me, now it's on her time. She got to party all night and not deal with anything. I had to deal with the sudden trauma all alone.

Since Sunday, She is showing tremendous remorse. Says she'll do anything it takes to keep us together, she says her bullshit must stop, she will be patient with me as long as this takes. All good lip service and great words to hear. However, she has also done some rationalizing. Blame shifting. As well as deflecting.

What am I supposed to believe!? This is all very fresh to me, yet 15 months old to her. She told me she called him a few days after it happened and told him she messed up, it was very wrong anything happened. He allegedly agreed. Also claims she's never spoke to him since that phone call.

Again, what am I supposed to believe?

Without sounding like I'm bragging, this guy is a true loser. No job, criminal record. I've worked my ass off for everything we have, I'm successful. She's successful. WTF!?

Do I give her ring back to her? Do I continue to wear mine? What meaning do they have anymore?

Do I contact him to verify she called him? Do I express my anger and grief to him regardless? What does that gain me?

Do I stay? I foresee myself collapsing as if I deserved this somehow. Yet, I also foresee this not lasting if I do. Her patience will wear thin perhaps.

I've begun reading these forums, other related material and started listening to a podcast today that addresses this stuff directly. It's been really good so far, addressing what each parties expectations, responsibilities are without justifying betrayal at all. She's started looking for a counselor that handles this subject although we are rural and it's tough. I told her I would share the podcast that I found today with her since again, it addresses both sides. I also said that's the only homework I would offer her. She has to do everything else on her own for herself. Not necessarily for us.

If you have read this whole thing, I really appreciate you. Well, even if you haven't I still appreciate your attention. I've put a lot of time into it trying to recant as much as possible. If there are any follow up questions please let me know. I want to be as clear and transparent as possible to get the most advice and experience from this community.

Thank you for your time.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Others will respond to your post as they log on. There are resources in the Healing Library that will help guide you in this new unwanted journey. I hope you find books and essays that pertain to your situation. There are so many different situations and outcomes.

Until then, I can only give some of my own perspective and experience.

First is that you did absolutely nothing to deserve this. No matter what personal idiosyncrasies you think you may have or may have done, this is all her deal. 100%. You are innocent and undeserving of this cruelty.

Second is you don't have the whole truth. Truth takes time to present itself and you can't ever be sure what her truth is. They lie. They lie to protect you; they lie to shield themselves; they lie to paint the OP in a different role.

The third is very hard to hear, but she wanted what happened to happen. They, WSs, are naturally going to present themselves in the best light. No matter how big of a mistake your WS claims she made, she made it willingly and that reveals the broken part of her that was always there. I'm not sure she allowed you to see that part.

Please schedule a test for STDs for yourself. See a doctor for anxiety meds if you would like some help. Think about if this is something you can get over, or if you don't want this new life with a person who could do this to you.

I'm so sorry this happened. Nobody should have to go through it.

Sorry you are here, it's devastating but you will get through it to the other side, either with or without her. More help will be on the way shortly in this thread.

Marjilan has it right, odds are you don't have the full story yet. Of course it's possible you do but experience here would say that chance is about 5 or 10%. And that's actually higher than normal because she chose to confess.

That confession is actually a good sign and so is her early signs that show some degree of remorse. Those things point to a higher possibility of a successful reconciliation... if you end up deciding that's what you want. A one night stand that's confessed to, if that is actually what happened, is easier to work through imo. Not easy, no it's terrible and devastating. But it may be manageable for you. But if you determine over time that it crosses your personal line it is also reason to D.

You should not allow any bit of rugsweeping though. I did on part of it and it came back many years later. You'll deal with it sooner or later, sooner is better. She already shows signs of wanting to, which leads me to some big concerns. Leaving you to go to a party after revealing she had sex with a local guy? Wow, that was either incredibly cold or she can't deal with really facing her choice to have an A. I know that was early on d day and she can improve but that was harsh. And without her ring too.

Who is this guy? Is he part of the social circle? That needs to end, no contact in any way. In small towns that is very hard.

Did they have sex once or all weekend? To me, that matters, it may not to you. Have you checked the phone records to see how much they communicated? Emails? Social media?

Ask her to give you a detailed account of that weekend and any subsequent contact and see if that makes sense and if it aligns with the phone/pc records.

Who else knew? They are problems too as they did not protect the marriage.

Drug users can often hide abuse ti a remarkable degree. Be wary about her cocaine confession being the whole truth. Of course there are casual users too so her story may be accurate.

And yes, do have her get STD tested. Let her feel that embarrasment and show you her results. It serves two purposes. This guy may have an std and she will feel some accountability.

I wouldn't contact him. Personally, i had a strong desire to deliver a physical beatdown and that lasted a long time. I was in the Army and did not get home for months so i cooled down by then. If you are that way, be careful of any interactions as they may lead to assault and battery charges. Our temper can explode in moments like these and you potentially end up in front of a judge. It would feel good in the moment to do it but not be worth the legal issues in the end.

If you think R is possible, then have her read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair". She needs to put the effort in to fix this but its ok to give her some direction and feedback. There is a whole lot of bad guidance out there she ciuld read, steer her to some good resources.

If you don't want R, that's ok too. But its a bit early for most to make that call. You need to take care of you. Post here, find someone to talk to, exercise, avoid overdrinking, try to do some things just for you. Give yourself time and space.

You didnt cause this to happen. She chose to do it independent of any marital squabbles and issues. It seems like she went looking for it that weekend instead of working out your issues. Why she did that is her problem to solve and is important to get to the bottom of so she wont do it again. Important for you only if you stay with her of course.

Hang in there.

[This message edited by Trdd at 11:36 AM, Wednesday, November 12th]

WS's aka cheaters will often respond with anger when confronted in hopes of getting the BS (betrayed spouse) to drop the conversation. My wife certainly tried

Your head is spinning right now because you only know what she has given you and most times it's not everything and often it's not the truth. Cheaters will often give up just a little information in hopes it will placate you and you will move on or they are afraid that if they tell you everything you will leave. Some will give you bits of information over time which is known as trickle truth. All this does is constantly reset your ability to process because you think you know everything and then you learn a little bit more and that resets you processing the affair

My advice, when she responds to you with anger you just walk away. Tell her you will not engage in any conversation that is not civil and just walk away.

Tell her that you're willing to work on the relationship but she has to take 100% accountability for her actions. If she tries to convince you that you are to blame or partially to blame tell her this is 100% on her and until she can accept that and verbalize that to you there is no chance of reconciliation.

Tell her you want her to write out a complete timeline history of everything, nothing left out no matter how trivial in her opinion. When/if she does this ask her is this everything when she says yes then ask are you willing to take a polygraph. If she instantly replies with yes then there's a good chance she's being honest but if she stalls or says no then chances are she is not being honest and reconciliation just will not work.

If her bad behavior continues then schedule a consultation with a divorce attorney just so you know where you stand and let your wife know this is where you're at because of her actions her decisions and her behavior. How she responds will tell you whether or not she is dedicated to trying to save the relationship

I would not suggest marital counseling. Quite often MC's will push for you to put the affair behind you and work on building a brand new shiny sparkling relationship. Start with IC for yourself and tell your wife that she has to do it as well so that she can figure out what is broken or missing inside her that allowed her to do everything that she has been that is not compatible with a relationship and until you can believe that whatever is broken or missing has been fixed or found, reconciliation will not work.

Reconciliation is a long road, typically 2 to 3 years IF the WS is 100% committed to repairing the relationship and does everything he or she needs to.

You are in a good place here for support and advice

While others will share suggestions on what to do, I thought I’d take a different approach and share what NOT to do, unless you want even more pain (sure hope not). In other words, here’s your checklist for all but guaranteeing disaster:

1. Immediately offer, or better yet, beg for reconciliation
2. Immediately start the "pick me dance" (read up what this looks like)
3. Take some, or better yet, all responsibility for her adultery. Instead, convince yourself that since you "caused" this, you can change yourself and "fix" the situation!
4. Immediately begin MC (marriage counseling), ideally with a counselor with no trauma or serious infidelity experience, with the hopes said counselor will help shift blame on YOU. Accept all blame shifted to you for not "meeting her needs" or whatever else the counselor comes up with.
5. Shield her from all consequences. Cover for her. Tell nobody what she did. Pretend all is well in front of all family & friends. You don’t need support, right?
6. If the OM (other man) has a wife or SO, do NOT inform them. Sure they have every right to know, but hey, telling them might feel awkward.
7. Encourage rug-sweeping. Pretend it never happened.
8. Certainly don’t ask her to write out a detailed timeline, and by all means don’t follow it up with a polygraph to give you reasonable assurance you have the full truth.
9. Never bring up the real possibility of D (divorce) over this. Certainly don’t visit an attorney to get a picture of what D might look like for you. Ignorance is bliss, right?
10. Stop posting here. Ignore the crowd-sourced wisdom from this community. Instead, tell yourself your situation is so unique there’s no way strangers on the internet could help you.

Or, you could maximize your probability of making the best of a horrific situation, and do the exact opposite of the above. I pray you do.

Sigh. Here we are again…..

Reconciliation is a long road, typically 2 to 3 years IF the WS is 100% committed to repairing the relationship and does everything he or she needs to.

We’ve had long, drawn-out threads how this oft-repeated trope is UTTERLY UNREALISTIC. It takes 2-5 years to ***RECOVER***, meaning, at least that long until you feel the world is no longer giving way beneath your feet.

Full reconciliation, assuming the adulterer is willing to crawl over broken glass INDEFINITELY, in most cases takes MUCH LONGER.

Let’s stop romanticizing reconciliation. It can, and does happen, but only under certain circumstances, and full healing is a LIFELONG project.

If you have read this whole thing, I really appreciate you.

I did, and this part really hit close to home for me...

She asks me what's up, I tell her I need her home, I don't understand what's happened. Her reply is, that she's playing cards and hanging out, we'll talk tomorrow. <snip> Next to nothing as far as sleep and then I go pick her up Sunday morning. That is when we actually start to address everything. To me, now it's on her time. She got to party all night and not deal with anything. I had to deal with the sudden trauma all alone.

D day, or evening, I found out my wife was having an affair, and knew roughly where she was with her AP. It was at an apartment complex, but I didn't know which unit he lived in. I drove there to confront, called her, and after a couple of attempts she finally answered the phone and met me in the common area because she didn't want me flipping out and causing a scene, which I may very well have. She had no clue I'd found out and was shocked when I showed up there. The PA had been going on for 2 weeks at that point.

Long story short, I wanted her to come home, and she didn't. She stayed there that night and came home the next day. It destroyed me. I know what you went through that night. Freshly inflicted trauma, wanting her to come home with you, her refusing... fucking brutal man. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

That was 7 months ago for me. She has since snapped out of her fog and deeply regrets her actions that night. We're working on R, and have made incredible progress, in no small part because of her completely changing as a person. She's putting in the work and the reins are pretty firmly back in my hands. The first few weeks were pretty rough tho, and we nearly didn't make it.

Your WW has a lot of work to do to make you feel safe again, and if you want to R, I hope she does it. Don't accept anything less than 100% committment to you and the relationship. 100% honesty. 100% transparency, including all access to her phone and other devices. Absolutely NO CONTACT with her AP. No more secrets. No more lies. All 100% compliance. She needs to be where she says she is and needs to do what she says she's going to do. Anything less means she's not committed to righting her wrongs and if that's the case you're just going to be miserable the entire time you remain with her. You'd be better off ending it now than dragging it out for months, or even years.

Whatever you do, do NOT play the "pick me" game. That almost never works, and in fact can make her lose respect for you. You need to draw a hard line in the sand and let her know you're ready to leave the relationship if it comes down to it. This has to be on YOUR terms, not hers. If you go there, you have to be prepared to follow through with it if she calls your bluff. Which, if she does, means she's not all in and you're not going to want to stick around with someone like that. I had called lawyers and realtors and started setting up appointments. I meant it, and she knew it. It snapped her out of it almost overnight.

Don't pay attention to her words. Pay attention to her actions. Cheaters are liars. It comes with the territory. Not saying a person can't change from being a cheater to a safe partner, but right now you have no idea. It's going to take a lot of time and a lot of consistent behavior and actions before you can even start to believe her and feel safe again.

[This message edited by Pogre at 7:15 PM, Wednesday, November 12th]

Gr8ful is correct, R is a long process, years. It is probably life long. You will never forget the betrayal but you might be able to build a new relationship with WS.

It sounds like things have been rocky since discovery. A remorseful spouse usually does their best to make things less argumentative and work hard to reconcile. She may not be ready for reconciliation, she may never be.

You need to decide if you want to wait for her to work out her issues and really want R, or just end it now. Either way IC,Individual Counseling, will help.

gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 9:48 AM on Wednesday, November 12th, 2025

Sigh. Here we are again…..

Reconciliation is a long road, typically 2 to 3 years IF the WS is 100% committed to repairing the relationship and does everything he or she needs to.

We’ve had long, drawn-out threads how this oft-repeated trope is UTTERLY UNREALISTIC. It takes 2-5 years to ***RECOVER***, meaning, at least that long until you feel the world is no longer giving way beneath your feet.

Full reconciliation, assuming the adulterer is willing to crawl over broken glass INDEFINITELY, in most cases takes MUCH LONGER.

Let’s stop romanticizing reconciliation. It can, and does happen, but only under certain circumstances, and full healing is a LIFELONG project.

I tend to agree with this, tho the time frame can differ depending on the people or circumstances involved. I'm still pretty fresh with this, having only discovered my WW's affair 7 months ago, but having read a crapload of stories, articles, a couple of books, and my own personal experience, I do believe true reconciliation is a lifelong work in progress. A person can recover in a few years, but you never really forget, and the pain never goes away. It just becomes dulled and easier to reflect on as more time goes by.

That said, if we look at the definition of reconcile:

Intransitive verb
1) To reestablish a close relationship between.
"reconciled the opposing parties."
2) To settle or resolve.
"reconciled the dispute."
3) To bring (oneself) to accept.
"He finally reconciled himself to the change in management."

I think #1 and #3 could be achieved in 2 to 5 years, but #2 is the one that you would likely take the most issue with. I do, however, agree that "recover" would be the more accurate word to use as opposed to "reconcile" when talking about that time frame.

Everyone,

I cannot thank you enough for the support and advice thus far. I won't be able to address every single point in my reply but know that have all been absorbed as I have read them each several times so far and will continue to as well.

The Healing Library is a great source and, like your replies, I have gone back to it several times.

I believe I cemented my stance of this being 100% not my fault a couple of days ago I just didn't fully realize it. Reflecting over our squabbles of any size it has been a constant trend of her not wanting to deal with anything difficult. More less, just wants things to go away. That would just fuel any disagreements into unnecessary larger issues. Here we are now with the biggest one of them all.

A question I still have is, what do I do about the rings. I am still wearing mine and have possession of hers. She has asked for it back and I can only reply "what good is it"? I feel incredibly guilty not wearing mine. Yesterday when she got home I noticed she had moved a different ring of hers from one finger over to her wedding finger. Rudely, or not, I asked her not to do that and she put it back to the original finger. Was that wrong of me? Do I give her wedding ring back to her? I DO believe that she is greatly remorseful. I asked her today if she wants to R because of guilt, shame or because she actually wants us to R. She stated she wants us to R because she wants us to be together.

Through my fact finding, I found out that her this guy had sex many years ago, before our time together. To know that, and know who he is, I feel grossed out at the thought of touching her that way again. I visualize over and over what they did to each other. I thought her and I made LOVE, what the hell do you call what they did!? Just another high of excitement!? These are the thoughts that ruin my moments. I can be doing just fine, all involved in my work day and then BOOOM!!!! The movie of them is playing high definition in my mind. That's MY Wife, that's who I live and provide for everyday (obviously the kids too). How could she make this decision to do this!? It does not "just happen". It was a choice! She just crossed a line and destroyed our lives! Who the FUCK do you think you are to betray me and this family!!? I know I rambled a lot right here, but typing all of that was actually therapeutic.

Regarding me contacting him (AP?), I am just curious what his attitude is going to be like, what his story is going to be and how it compares to hers. If it aligns with when she told me she called him days after and said how bad she felt about it and how stupid it was to do, then never talked to him since. Then align that with her phone records.

I am going to inform her that I am going to require she be tested. Naively, my initial thought was after 15 months I would have noticed a symptom by now. A quick discussion with ChatGPT certainly told me otherwise.

I know that it is too early to make a decision either way. I know I will have a lot more questions and emotions and whatever the hell else. Finding and MC is no where near on my radar right now. As far as an IC, I have yet to find anyone close by that specializes in this field. Again, rural area USA here.

gr8ful - The NOT TO DO list is amazing, thank you.

Pogre - her doing that to me that night emptied my soul! My gut still drops when I replay in my head.

I will ask her to read "How to help your spouse heal from you affair". Is it a book, is it on this site and my current mental capacity cannot recall reading it already?

Again, I appreciate each of you. This would be far more difficult if I did not come here and have you.

Talk to soon!

-Antone

I am terribly sorry you are going through this completely undeserved experience. You sound like a great guy. Your wife, not so much. I'm actually more concerned first - with the drug use, 2nd with the cheating. I'd like you to really consider that you don't know your wife. You know what she presents to you, but you really don't know you wife. If she's been using drugs that long....and it's probably worse than you think....you don't know your wife. You don't know what she's done, how long, what she's capable of, or what she might do in context of your marriage. Drug users perhaps even more than cheaters are inherently untrustworthy. They are not in control of themselves. Like alcoholics, maybe even worse. I am NOT an advocate of reconciliation in general, and certainly not immediately because you don't know what you have here. She's lied to you and she's gonna keep lying to you.

I haven't read the whole thread yet, I have to rush but I wanted to say keep your self respect. Do what is in the interest of your self respect rather than keeping the family together or trying to go back to what was. If you don't respect yourself and demand it of her, the marriage will never work anyway. You're not going to trust her again and why should you.

I probably would get an STD test at this point and talk to a lawyer and see what divorce looks like to you. I know you want to go back to what was, but you can't. You know too much. You know some of what she's like now. Knowledge is power, you need power. She has the power of secrecy and her own willingness to act purely in her own interests. You need to protect yourself and the kids - see a lawyer and discuss divorce. I would also tell her that divorce IS ON THE TABLE. She needs to clean up her act and be completely and verifiably honest. If you have the money, I'd hire a PI to check on her. You want to know what and who she's been doing. I have drug dealers around me, they are not good people....they are not people you want involved with your wife or in proximity to your kids.

She needs to go into a drug program ASAP and commit. She's partying and you don't know what she's doing. She needs to stop and clean herself up - physically, mentally and spiritually. If she won't do this, you can't have a marriage. Do NOT stay married to a drug user or alcoholic. Both my parents were alcoholics....it's a miserable life. Also, look for a book called Leave a Cheater and Gain a Life. You may not agree with it, but it WILL help you in a lot of ways to assert yourself and protect you and the kids. That should be your first goal. Your wife can only save herself and change herself and she needs to clean up her drug act first....and start being honest with herself and you. I bet there's a lot more here than you think,

I'm sorry if I seem harsh but....I figure let's get the worst out of the way and start working towards a healthier life. Crying in a corner doesn't cure cancer. Good luck, the people here are very caring and kind and will give you support.

Rudely, or not, I asked her not to do that and she put it back to the original finger. Was that wrong of me?

Absolutely NOT.

Do I give her wedding ring back to her?

Q: When she took it off, did she "give" it to you, as in "give it back"? If so, I wouldn’t be so quick to return it. To me, such an act would be a major deal. I’d ask her why she wants it back. At this stage, there’s a huge chance it’s because she doesn’t want others noticing why she isn’t wearing it. Sounds like a consequence of her evil choices to me, but there’s almost no chance she’d admit it’s her feeling awkward around others.

I DO believe that she is greatly remorseful.

Even "former waywards" as they are called here would say it’s basically IMPOSSIBLE she’s hit true remorse so quickly. Please carefully research the difference between:

Regret: She doesn’t like how things are turning out for HER. No doubt she has that.

Remorse: She’s WAY more concerned with how her treason has harmed YOU. Is that what you see?

ETA: Pogre’s wife is a beautiful example of what true remorse looks like. It’s quite rare, and even more so how quickly that came. I highly recommend reading all his posts to see true remorse in action and ask yourself if you see the equivalent in your wife.

[This message edited by gr8ful at 10:28 PM, Wednesday, November 12th]

Hi Antone,

I will ask her to read "How to help your spouse heal from you affair". Is it a book, is it on this site and my current mental capacity cannot recall reading it already?

It is a book by Linda J. McDonald. It is very well thought of here. A lot of people have found it productive for both the betrayed spouse and the wayward spouse to read it.

[This message edited by M1965 at 10:25 PM, Wednesday, November 12th]

Most people have no idea how much damage infidelity causes until they see it in front of them. Even then, some WS somehow refuse to acknowledge the depth of pain and trauma they have caused; likely as a defense mechanism to keep their own ego intact.

Your WW did this 15 months ago and buried it. I am not sure how that factors in to her timeline toward remorse but it at least seems like she is not in the fog of a Affair dopamine induced stupor.

I am not sure the ring means much one way or the other in the grand scheme of things but if it feels wrong to you right now then just go with that. It seems like a good sign she wants it on her finger.

It occurred to me so I'll mention it, I might be wrong, but I think a lot of her behavior seems to be about challenging you. You do something, she does the same or ups the ante. I think there's a real problem with respect here and also the whole issue of throwing some of her behavior in your face. She might want to see how much she can do, or how far she can push you, before you "do" something (which to me would be initiate divorce). There could be a number of reasons for this, I'm probably not subtle enough to understand them, hell, I'm not subtle at all, but that's the sense I have so I wanted to pass that on to you. It might make sense in your situation. It's childish behavior - certainly a married woman with kids out partying and raising hell, is very immature but you're not the one who can make her change. She has to change herself and I think a drug program with some kind of objective report card (not just same place she goes every week to blah blah blah or score more drugs - you'd be surprised - but some place where she's held accountable and has to be serious and show progress. It sounds like she's acting like a rebellious teenager - you're the adult. I sense a lot of resentment in her, whether justified or not.

BondJaneBond - You've nailed a lot here.

More times than not, in disagreement, she challenges me. She ups the ante and has little to no respect for me as her husband, let alone as a human sometimes. I feel pushed until I cannot handle the shear ridiculousness any longer...... And then .. I'm hurt. When I'm hurt, I get angry. When I get angry, she has leveredge. She's controlled the situation again. I've called all of this out as childish behavior for exactly what it is at face value. Additionally the partying at our age (45). I get called controlling, I get called Mr. perfect, I get called an asshole. In my opinion, all deflections for her actual behavior. I don't know the right way to handle any of that directly, but I do know her way is not fair or correct. Now, well 15 months ago, it went so far to CHOOSE an affair. She has a lot of personal healing and work to do. I've said this to her: whether it's for her, us, or another relationship down her road... She must fix this. I'm not perfect, I have flaws, but I always try to be fair. I respect differences of opinions until I'm treated as if can't have one.

I've expressed to her in the past that I feel she resents me at times... The affair sure feels like the ultimate outcome of that.

One way to help restore the power balance is to tell her you have a consultation appointment with a divorce attorney. This will show her what her affair and bad behavior has caused