SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Why don't you demand that your WW's AP inform his wife, because otherwise you will do it yourself?

Because adulterers are by definition liars and the probability he gives his wife the full truth is extremely close to zero. Much more likely he’d concoct a story saying this lunatic who decided to unjustly hate him threatened to make up a story about him having an affair, so be warned if he contacts you.

I fully get your point, gr8ful, but the question is, what exactly is your mission? Either way, she will be alert when her husband brings up such a topic (at least I would be...). Is your concern that she knows about the affair in the first place, or do you want to make absolutely sure that she has all the details? Personally, I just try to stay in my own sphere. It doesn't help me to continue the work of destruction in others.

I wouldn’t recommend initiating any interaction at all with the OM, least of all one that gives him control. Especially not in this instance.
In this situation – based on what the OP has shared – we have a person in an official capacity in the judicial system who is responsible for bringing prisoners from holding cells to their court-dates. As a former police-officer I think I can safely say that this isn’t the apogee of law enforcement careers... It’s not where the hotshots go, but more of a comfortable 9-5. Respectful and necessary work, but basically a clerk in a uniform with little risk of getting shot at.

However, t does give the OM the ability to tell his wife that there is a crazy guy out there trying to get at him with threats of lying about his friendly relationship with that floozy Mrs. TrashPanda who has been hitting on him for weeks. How – out of respect and decency – he’s been talking to about her crazy paranoid husband who is now threatening OM family – therefore the heads up so she can ignore strange phone-calls and crazy messages.

Yep, all three of us are different forms of law enforcement. It would be really easy for him to tell his wife some crazy guy from court is making up all kinds of lies so to ignore or block me.

I hope you tell the other Wife soon. It will make you feel more at peace and give her a a chance to have agency in her life.

I'm really trying to get a phone number, I'm not sure where she works and showing up unannounced at a strangers house doesn't seem like a good idea to me. Plus I have no idea AP's work schedule. Worst case is I have her Facebook and Instagram info. Not sure if I should add first or just send a message.

I am sure there are some very wise people on here who can give you specific ideas on how to get hold of her. If you have good documentation, you honestly could put a package together and hire a courier to deliver it to her....and ONLY her....where she has to sign for receipt. Of course put your number in with letter. I am not sure of this is good idea or not, but it might work. It sounds like you are going to, glad to hear. 💪

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 7:45 PM, Friday, November 21st]

I have found a landline that says it is to their address, AP's cell number, another cell number that was previously his (could be hers now), and then another number that was associated with her in the past.

I'm hesitant to call these blindly. If they get a missed call on their home number and AP sees it first, my concern if he's suspicious of the number he doesn't recognize, I'm willing to bet he could find out they're mine and then try to get ahead of it.

I'm willing to bet he could find out they're mine and then try to get ahead of it.

Burner phones are cheap, or use a google number.

Yup, Google Voice takes 8 seconds to setup. The calls come a number not associated in any way with yours, you basically make the call from the app and it calls you and makes the connection.

You cant let the fear of what might happen paralyze you from what needs to be done.
If method a doesn’t work, go to method b, then c. But take action

Set up a separate email account and reach out via social media. If she wants to reply she has your newly created email to use. Do not under any circumstance give out your phone number

People in affairs rely on and thrive on secrets. It's the only thing they're really in control of. When I spoke to the OM and then subsequently to his wife, they were the best two phone calls. I didn't have any shame (none of this had to do with anything I did), and I didn't ask any questions. I just made it clear that I was aware, and that there were no more secrets -- I was in the loop. And when I then spoke to the other spouse, everything was out in the open. She and I had an open lane of communication, and our waywards knew we had hesitation in communicating. It was liberating.

I can't stress enough to find your chosen way to make contact. Don't expect any new answers or revelations, but don't be complicit in their secrecy.

It's been almost a week since you started this thread. Have you gotten in contact with OBS yet?

Just one opinion on this subject: I was a member of this forum nearly 20 years ago when I found out about my wife's indiscretions. I have thought endlessly about confronting "her perp", telling his wife... I even went to the point of going to where I know his wife worked, sitting in the parking lot in my car like a fool, and ultimately decided "no" to having any interaction with her.

For him, it would simply be because he DID know my wife was married to me, and in plain English, he would not have survived the encounter with me, and I'd have ended up in prison.

For her, my understanding is that she had a heavy suspicion of what was going on, because she found X rated texts between my wife and her husband ("the perp"). My decision to not tell her was, because #1, he had already left his wife (who was pregnant at the time of the affair), and was all over social media with his shiny new, much younger wife saying how he found the love of his life, what a "great dad he is" etc, etc. My point is, why run any more salt in HER wound than she's already had by providing her either with concrete proof of what she suspected, OR if she did know already, the details of their affair that I know about? I just didn't see the point in possibly further wrecking her life.

I really couldn't find a "positive" in either scenario, especially confronting him. I had WAY too much anger and hostility to see him in front of me. I know myself in that regard, when I get massively triggered like that it would have gone VERY badly... for SURE for him, and ultimately for me as well.

Anyway, this is just "IMO". Most people know what's right for them, and like grieving, there is no right or wrong way to deal with it, unless its dealing with it negatively for the injured person. At the time, my life was thrown into the proverbial wood chipper and completely shredded. I saw nothing positive about losing my job, getting the "silver detective bracelets" applied to my wrists, and end up doing time in a prison cell. I feel what I did was best FOR ME regarding that whole sorry mess. As it is said, "ymmv".

[This message edited by Phill at 2:56 PM, Monday, November 24th]

My decision to not tell her was, because #1, he had already left his wife (who was pregnant at the time of the affair), and was all over social media with his shiny new, much younger wife saying how he found the love of his life, what a "great dad he is" etc, etc. My point is, why run any more salt in HER wound than she's already had by providing her either with concrete proof of what she suspected, OR if she did know already, the details of their affair that I know about? I just didn't see the point in possibly further wrecking her life.

I can kind of understand why you might not have told OBS in your situation given that they were already broken up, tho if she wasn't sure about it, it might have given her some solace to know her suspicions were founded and she wasn't just crazy and unreasonable. You didn't necessarily have to give her all the dirty details you knew about. Just that you knew it happened. If she wanted to know more, then she could have asked.

I completely understand you not confronting your wife's AP. It's the same reason I haven't. I don't know that I wouldn't end up beating him half to death and end up in jail for it. My wife has kicked him to the curb with extreme prejudice. The gig is up, and all contact has been severed. I don't think any good would come from me confronting her AP under the circumstances. Right now he's just some dogshit that I've scraped from the bottom of my shoe at this point, tho the smell still kind of lingers...