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I am going through a strange situation and could use a sanity check. My husband (WH) had an affair 3 years ago. We got past it and he has been doing everything right. Fast forward to Dec 2025. He is 66 years old. Back in college, he dated a (different) woman for 1 year. AGES ago! She (67) lives across the country, is married, but she reaches out to him about once per year. I have seen their text messages over the past 12 years that we have been together, and it is always her reaching out. He never initiates contact. He is polite and, in some cases, has not responded. I am 99% sure there was more history there before me, but he won’t admit it. Since I came into his life, WH has never proactively reached out to her or seen her. I did see a message years ago from her expressing to WH that she never truly got over him, but she ultimately accepted that they are just friends. It was a sad, desperate message coming from a woman who as been married for 25+ years. He does not know that I know this. And quite frankly, I saw it and was not threatened, so never brought it up, as it was water under the bridge.

That said, she has recently reached out to him again last week. I was not going to say anything, it annoyed me, but he picked up on my bad mood and pressed me to tell him what was wrong. So I finally blew my top. He thought I was overreacting. I know he has zero interest in her, but I am upset that he does not see or support my perspective. Should I just let it go? Why am I so upset if it is nothing? He was defensive and said she is literally just an old college friend. He is understating their history, but I think he is understating it because it has no relevance to us. I am at the point that I want to reach out to her myself and tell her to f--- off. They are not doing anything ‘wrong’ so I am not sure why I am so upset.

I understand how that would be triggering, given what you have been through. In short, I would say that in light of infidelity occurring (albeit it with someone else), it is perfectly reasonable for you to request that she and your husband have no communication with each other. Your H should have no problem blocking this old friend, deleting phone number, etc. This woman lives far away and their relationship is ages ago, as you say. It shouldn't matter to him. I would say no explanation is even needed from him to her. Just block the number and delete the contact. No matter your husband's perspective on their relationship or what her intentions are, he should be willing to do this if you guys have successfully reconciled and recovered from the A.

Well. After being betrayed like you have, I can understand your skepticism and more especially about a woman again contacting him whom you know he was "involved with" way before he ever met you and for whatever reason he doesn't want to bring up with you. All that is what is fueling the reaction you had, I think.

Just saw Carpenter's post after I posted and I agree, your WH should be willing to accept what you need from him.

[This message edited by Superesse at 3:17 PM, Monday, December 15th]

The fact he did not shut her down and tell her to not contact him again once she professed that she still has feelings for him is a red flag. I do not think you are overreacting. An affair causes permanent changes in a relationship. There are things that you can no longer say or do in my opinion. There are jokes that can never again be made

A permanent change that happened in our relationship is that my wife no longer attends mixed social events without me. If by chance she is out with a female co-worker or coworkers and male coworkers show up she either leaves or asks me to join them. Now, I am not naive, I understand she could not tell me and keep it to herself but she understands that if that happens and I find out I file for divorce

I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to tell him to send her a message saying she is to no longer contact him for any reason and then he deletes her phone number and blocks it. If he challenges you on this that speaks volumes to me and not in a good way

An affair, the gift that keeps on giving :/

This is pretty close to my situation, except the initiating old girlfriend was my wife. Her old boyfriend’s wife knew all about my wife and thought it was platonic and cute. I didn’t, but then again neither he nor his wife got to read my wife’s memoir. I do not believe that he was thick enough not to have noticed my wife’s flirting or her need to keep their relationship secret from me, but I do accept that his wife bought his sanitized version of their "friendship." In short, I am certain that he got a nice helping of ego kibbles when my very attractive wife paid attention to him and that he kept her on the backburner should his wife be out of the picture some day. It sounds like your husband is in the same situation as my wife’s "friend." Do you suppose that your husband’s old girlfriend’s husband knows about his wife’s involvement with your WH? Assuming that she’s keeping the "I’m not over you" part secret from her husband, has your WH considered how his complicity would gut this other guy? Does he want to be party to that kind of cruelty? I would ask him if he thinks it is honorable to do this to another guy, especially knowing how his infidelity affected you? He may not see himself as playing with fire, but his old girlfriend is. Honestly, I fully appreciate how this makes you feel, but I don’t think you are in danger, given how your husband has been transparent and not pursuing her. And I wouldn’t blame you for demanding he stop contact on your behalf. But if you approach it from the other husband’s aspect I think you will be more successful. That angle gets you your result but does not require him to agree that he is tempted by his ex.

Two things can be true at the same time.

You are overreacting and his affair is what made you overreact.

There is no real red flag here (from what you have told us) and it still bothers you because he is a FWH.

If it was me I would tell him "I may be overreacting but if you never had an A I wouldn't be. I need you to respect how I feel about this".

It$s common for a WS or FWS to get defensive even when they aren't doing anything wrong. Hopefully he realizes that he put you in this situation.

You state you are 99% sure there is more history he won't admit to. I read that as you think they were physically involved. (If that's not what you meant, sorry). This happened before you were in a relationship with him, so there is no apparent reason for him to hide things. While you may be overreacting (I'm not saying you are, but may be) the fact that he won't admit this is a concern - a big red flag. Has he been open and honest about other prior physical relationships? Why do you think he would deny this one? Until you resolve this issue you will have reason for concern, the very sort of reason that leads to significant emotional reaction, overreaction or not. Honesty is an important feature of any relationship.

I actually have been through something similar but in my case it was a real relationship (before us) of several years and continued very LDR with romantic overtones and gifts. I came to realize over time that it was just a friendship but it bothered me for several years. I totally understand how this affected you and I think it's reasonable to end this. It brings echoes of his actual affair back. I also think he allows this because it makes him feel good that she's still pining for him after all these years - not much of a tribute to her own husband. It probably makes your husband feel desirable, virile, whatever. Ego kibbles. I think you're within your rights to ask it to end, that they go no contact, but on the other hand, I realized I could not control my husband completely and there were just things I was going to have to ignore and that was one of them. I validate how you feel but I don't know if stopping it is going to make things better or worse. If it's a once in a year LDR thing, I'd probably just ignore it. She must be pretty pathetic to be pining over some guy all this time. If the frequency picks up, or there are phone calls or computer time, I'd discuss that and shut it down quick.

Thank you for all of your messages.. you are right. There really should be no contact, as there is no real outcome here. She just finds random reasons to reach out to him. I mean, we all have people from the past that reach out, but I will forever be scarred because of his A. I even told him this, and he said he understood, but never said he had plans to cut her off. I did not ask, because I was so upset and he was defensive and it was going nowhere fast.

From what I can gather, she may have temporarily separated from her husband 15+ years ago and briefly met up with my husband 2-3 times, but this was all well before I knew him. I suspect he is not mentioning it because he does not want to make her look bad, I suppose, especially since she remained married. But I know and he is not admitting to me. I doubt her husband would be happy - I get the impression that she has tried to reach my FWH only when her husband is not around. Anyway, I may be overreacting (I probably am), but it is making me question what kind of a person I have married. Also, if she keeps it up I don't know what I will do, but she will be hearing from me.

From what I can gather, she may have temporarily separated from her husband 15+ years ago and briefly met up with my husband 2-3 times, but this was all well before I knew him. I suspect he is not mentioning it because he does not want to make her look bad, I suppose, especially since she remained married. But I know and he is not admitting to me.

From someone who ignored certain things that I shouldn't have, I'd just encourage you to get the whole truth on this. Your first post made sense and you got some good advice, but this sentence worries me. It may be just as you gathered, but him not admitting something that you strongly suspect is worrisome. Please get the full truth on this. I'm very hopeful for you that there is nothing more here. But don't waste time getting the truth.

Just thinking with what you have gathered that he may not want to admit if he was (?) a brief OM because she is still with her H, and maybe he has always feared that if he told you about a physical encounter they ever may have had, you'd perhaps blow up her M, or something like that? [And he hid this because he knew that legally she was not single like he was ?) In other words, he could be carrying some shame/guilt, still? Going out on a speculation limb now....

Yes Superesse, I think you are right. They probably should not have been together, and her husband probably does not know. I think he just wants to keep whatever 'it' was in the past, as he clearly moved forward. I suspect they met up later in life (15+ years ago) a few times and he realized 'nah, not for me' ....but she was a lot more clingy, but went back to her husband because my husband never showed real interest. I think the last thing he wants is for me to blow things up because he knows I easily could if pushed too far.

Carpenter81, thank you! I am going to try and get the truth out of him somehow, in a non aggressive way. I think I have some of it but not all of it. I think he has shame as he may have briefly been the OM, as per Superesse's guess. I don't think he wants me to see him that way, but it is the truth. And I need truth to move forward.

BondJaneBond - 100% agree. I know he has no interest. I have seen pictures of her (she tried to friend me on Facebook!!) I have seen her sad messages, and I know my husband - she is not his type, I am his type. I think he allows the inbound messages out of guilt more than anything. He has ignored a few and to me that shows a lack of motivation or interest.

Notsogreatexpectations- that is a very important perspective. I think he already feels guilt so he just entertains her calls. But you are right....this does not help this other guy at all. And he seems like a good guy!

Thank you so much everyone - all of these different perspectives have given me so much to think about. There are some bigger issues here in my relationship obviously....

If you are uncomfortable with him communicating with her and he knows this then his priority should be shutting down communication. An affair causes permanent changes in a relationship. Things can never go back to the way they were

There are certain things that are just permanent triggers such as communicating with someone from the opposite sex who has professed an interest, although it was in the past, that doesn't mean it's not still there.

Simply tell him this makes me uncomfortable because of your past affair and I want you to stop all communication and make it very clear to her that she is not to reach out to you for any reason. If he pushes back, to me that means she is somewhat important to him

[This message edited by WB1340 at 2:33 PM, Thursday, December 18th]

Thank you WB134, you are absolutely correct. I think I will have to ask for this 'no contact' at some point, because it does bother me. It does not bother me because he is suddenly going to fall for this person - it bothers me because given what I think is their history, it is slightly disrespectful to me, even though she probably does not even realize it. (I do not care about this ex-girlfrind or what she thinks/feels). I did notice there has been no contact in almost 2 weeks, but I am sure she will come at him again with another message. Again - he never reaches out to her and barely responds, so it is always her reaching out. But he needs to learn to say no and/or just ignore.

I strongly suggest you demand no contact now. Waiting only allows a potential affair to grow.

I agree contact should be stopped now. You are being entirely too kind about this woman, because from what you've written, she's pursuing your husband, and your husband knows it. That doesn't mean he'd act on it, but you don't need this in your life. Men and women enjoy attention of this kind, whether we all admit it or not. Why allow it to grow.

I had a very good friend, who had a relationship with someone who lived in another state. One night she called his cell phone and a woman answered, who turned out to he his fiancé. She continued to keep in touch with him, insisting they were just friends. And being the good friend she was to him, she tried valiantly to talk him out of marrying this woman who "wasn't right for him." But he married her anyway.

My friend still called him all the time and took his calls. She sent him expensive Christmas presents, and he sent her gifts too. He would call her every morning at 7 am on his way to work. She'd call him late at night. This went on for years, and because he was in the Secret Service, late night calls weren't suspicious. But then his wife found the very expensive Christmas gift she sent him and the loving card attached.

One day she called me all distraught, because he had called her and told her he had to cease all contact with her. His wife was in the room listening to the call. We all know the drill about these calls. She felt his wife was terribly immature and petty, and that she was trying to control his life and it wasn't fair. They were just friends after all, and he gets to have friends.

I listened to this for about 20 minutes and then asked her if she sends presents to them as a couple...no, does she call him on the house phone and say hi to his wife if she answers......no, has she ever been introduced to her good friend's wife....no. I pointed out that the answer to all those questions would be yes if they were just friends, and told her she knows damn well she's having an affair with someone else's husband. Our friendship ended shortly after that heart to heart chat. I read your post and it brought me right back there.

Stop worrying about what he or she thinks or feels and do what will make you happy. You get to not like something and end it without needing their permission. Call her and put a stop to it if necessary. You are at an age where old flames tend to show in an effort to explore what could have been. That's not being paranoid, its paying attention.

Anyway, I may be overreacting (I probably am), but it is making me question what kind of a person I have married.

So sorry that you feel this way. After the affair, the unconditional trust and respect is just not the same anymore. Much like after a major surgery, the rehab takes a long time and may never fully recover. I think you absolutely did the right thing when you told him it bothered you and he should delete her because your feelings should take a much higher priority, period. It’s not for him to judge whether you are overreacting. Like someone who is allergic to peanuts may get strong reactions with just peanut powder in the air, which doesn’t bother most people. You are allergic to affairs. And he should do everything he can to avoid the allergic reactions from happening.

I have a very similar situation with my husband and an old ex girlfriend. Probably 30+ years ago. I know they were broken up because his parents didn't approve (religious issues). Anyway, they have stayed in touch and are still in touch and he knows that I know but he won't talk about it. we've had other issues with on line dating in the past. I know he sends her gifts every year - in the past they used to be nicer ones than I got (I found out accidentally). She's on the other side of the country and might even be older than me, I don't know.

He and I have a good relationship, we're more like best friends at this point. I don't have romantic feelings towards him and haven't for years, and frankly, if I could afford to, I'd live on my own. But I can't, and that's just the way it is. He might feel the same, I don't know, I can't get him to talk about things and it doesn't bother me enough for me to follow up. I don't think anything will happen with it but I understand how you feel.

I think if it really bothers you, if he honors your feelings and loves you, and she's just an old friend or flame or whatever, he should honor your feelings and request not to communicate with her. What is he getting from it anyway - he must be getting something just to continue this. My guess is it's ego kibbles because he enjoys that she's longing for him or some bullshit like that. I'd tell him flat out that it makes you feel bad and insecure, you don't like it and you'd like it to stop. Personally, I'd probably write to her and tell her to stop or I'll contact her husband, but I'm a bitch. You probably aren't, LOL. And that's probably the wrong thing to do.

I'd keep an eye on this because the very fact that he continues to allow this means he's getting something out of this, and I have to wonder if he'd be interested in getting something more. How secure DO you feel with him? That's my big issue is security, especially financial security. I could care less if they write smoochy bullshit to each other, nothing I can do about that, but I want to know if my own future is reasonably secure. Keep your eye on it, but don't make it too big an issue as that will make him more inclined to seek ego kibbles or solace from her. That's how it works sometimes.

It's really pathetic to be writing to someone from the long ago telling how much you miss them, etc. I can't imagine writing that shit to an old BF esp if I'm married. She has no self respect. Or maybe she's looking for something too. Watch out if he proposes any kinds of trips. I'd monitor it quietly now that I think about it so as not to drive it underground. Keep your eye on it.

Honey - I'd check the phone messages and phone bill too and maybe his phone or computer for any apps where they might exchanges messages or pics. There might be more going on too. Or in the future. Ya never know especially if she keeps pushing he might respond. I don't want to make you uncomfortable but if he won't give this up then I'd keep an eye on it and watch to see if there's any expansion into other areas. Check this out secretly of course - don't ever tell him shit you don't want him to know. There are no secrets in marriage, and you have to know where you stand. So - low profile, but keep an eye on it and watch it in secret. If nothing has emerged, or emerges in the next few months, it's probably just him getting his feathers preened by this loser. Keep it quiet - if you find anything, let us know. It's probably nothing but some of these old guys go into their second childhoods and look for the old girlfriends to relive those golden high school days. Ya never know.

"she is not his type"

Be careful. Many BS here have expressed amazement at how not the WS’s type the AP was.

What is a cheater’s type?

Available. All other characteristics are minor compared to available.