SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Lots of people say "I didn’t mean it. I was drunk, or angry, or hormones."

I think people mostly mean what they say, they just didn’t mean to say it.

Like sisoon, I would have been terribly wounded by what you said.

Doesn’t at all justify him running to another woman, no, no, no.

But you might need to do some work on this. More than just, "I didn’t mean it."

Best wishes.

JustSomeWoman

Hippo, I know you said you weren’t making an excuse for the OP’s partner, but no, I don’t think she should have to take into account that he’s just a guy who screwed up and that all/most men don’t know how to handle it when their partner gets pregnant.

My strange sense of humor showing - the "how-to book on Amazon" more a tongue-in-cheek remark.

For any father to be incompetent at "fathering" and dealing with all that accompanies a newborn addition to family, there is no excuse to find out how to do all that is needed.

That goes for taking care of "mother" to - men really need to get themselves educated at what a woman's body goes through when moving into motherhood.

Guys have, mostly in my experience, only scant understanding or idea of what their partner is enduring.
My wife had two and her body was forever changed. It did not change our relationship other than making life more busy (Hoo-Boy!) and complicated. Add in stress from general life and it is common for a parent to suffer some depression.

There is a song that says it well with the addition for the time I was being introduced to the complexities of both marriage, becoming a parent, and general finding out I still had a lot to learn about life.

"Mother's Little Helper" is mostly taken to be about drug and addiction. However, a large part of the lyrics deal with what a woman has to deal with keeing a house and children. U-tube has the original publish of the song. Wiki has a biased article on it - heavily "noting" the drug angle.

I like the words that deal with the work and time it takes to be a good mother. I have met quite a few men that failed to make the necessary changes in lifestyle - and subsequently had "mother" ditch them and continue life sans clueless men.

People can change provided they have the WILL and also work to find out HOW and WHAT to change.

I hope the New Year starts you on the way to better relation with your spouse. And he starts to "Man Up" and support you.

And a Kudo for having your own income and also keeping your finances separate.

I'm scared of being judged for staying, considering that we are not married and have only been together for less than 2 years.

Don't be scared! If someone posts is "out of bounds" a moderator will "get" them!

And, having read here for years, there is very little that people come here posting about that is new or never been seen.
I give you a bit ATTAGIRL! for saying with your partner and working to make a family. You impress me (with your posts) as someone possession self confidence but yet moving through life a bit unsure. No worries - we ALL have had to deal with things in life in which we had no experience. What we do have, such as this place, is crowdsourced wisdom gained by experience and often such experience gained by paying a painful price. SO?

Post your questions, comments, and situations about which you want the 'proverbial sanity check' - most folks here genuinely want to help their fellow person through tough times in life.

Again - Best Wishes to you!!!

Thank you everyone for your replies and for sharing your perspectives. I don't have many people in my life who I can talk to about this as I mentioned before. Every single one of you offered me a different view of the situation based on your own (very diverse) experiences and I appreciate it as I'm not able to distance myself enough from it all to look at the situation objectively or from a different angle than my own.

I know I did things wrong in this relationship too. What me and my partner (sorry I still haven't got a clue about the various abbreviations everyone uses!) have figured out so far is that he shuts down and doesn't communicate, especially when facing conflict and I over-communicate meaning that I say whatever is on my mind before I give it enough thought. I say things immediately, as soon as a thought enters my head. We have very different communication styles and it's probably going to be a problem until we figure out a way forward.

What this means sometimes is that I can say something hurtful and he won't immediately respond to it, instead he retreats and withdraws, acts like nothing happened. This makes me feel that everything is okay as he's not bringing issues up but in reality, yes he is probably hurt and just sitting with these feelings so the replies I got from a couple of you regarding the comment I made during pregnancy being potentially devastating to him are valid and I will take it on the chin. I don't think it justifies having a full blown affair and I don't think it was the only reason but perhaps it contributed to it and fuelled him almost to justify his actions at the time. Maybe he thought I deserved it.

I accept that I played a big part in our relationship deteriorating and I think I'm not doing us any favours right now either. Because I'm hurt following the affair and learning some things he said about me to the AP I bring up the affair very often, express my anger and I often tell him that I don't see any point in continuing the relationship. I keep feeling up and down about it and I tell him this. I don't know how to not do that. I'm just hurt and clueless and it's not helping anything.

Whilst I hold a lot of blame for myself I also feel like I shouldn't because he's the one who ultimately chose someone else at the time without telling me about it. I'm all over the place as you can probably tell.

That sounds a lot like the dynamic between me and my H. Do you know anything about attachment theory? There are 3 types of attachment that are formed in childhood, anxious, secure, and avoidant. From what you've described, I would say your partner is avoidant (like my H) and you are possibly anxious (like I used to be). After years of therapy living with my avoidant fWH, I have become secure with a bit of lean toward avoidant.

IMO, you both need to get into IC to address those issues. An avoidant attachment person is toxic. He needs to address this and make serious changes or you will not have a healthy relationship.

My H cheated because he couldn't confront me. In his twisted mind, he thought it was better to cheat than face my anger. Of course, he created an even worse situation that he was trying to avoid. 🤦‍♀️

If your partner does not overcome his fear and start engaging with you, he will continue to be dishonest. He is not a safe partner.

Thank you Coco, I think this is actually spot on. He is in IC, I was in group therapy but we both need to overcome our individual issues. He is definitely scared of confronting me and has admitted to that. This is partly his attachment style and part also my fault due to the way I react and fixate on things he says due to my anxious attachment.
This will need A LOT of work from us both. He's definitely trying to communicate things to me better now. He said something to me today and for the first time since we got together he pointed out that I fixate on specific words he says even if he also says other things to explain his points at the same time. He then said 'this is YOUR issue'. I actually smiled because this was the first time he's ever pointed it out like that to me and I liked that he expressed it rather than sitting on it again and ruminating.

I got from a couple of you regarding the comment I made during pregnancy being potentially devastating to him are valid and I will take it on the chin.

Good. No one wants to hurt you, especially with everything else thats going on right now, but you will get ot straight from some folks here, and you really seem to get that. That said,

I don't think it justifies having a full blown affair and I don't think it was the only reason but perhaps it contributed to it and fuelled him almost to justify his actions at the time. Maybe he thought I deserved it.

You're damned right it doesn't justify having a full blown affair. No, it did not contribute to it either. It may have contributed to some problems in your relationship, but his decision to "fix" things by having an affair is absolutely unequivocally 100% on him and him alone. In a committed relationship it's his duty (and yours) to sit down and talk about things that are bothering him (or you). Then it's up to you to either do something about it or not. Then it's his decision if he's willing to stick around and deal with it. Not go running to another woman. Nuh-uh.

Reading your well thought out, self reflective and insightful posts I'm going to guess you already get and understand that, tho. You seem to be very well put together and you're certainly no dummy. I'm really pulling for you.

This is partly his attachment style and part also my fault due to the way I react and fixate on things he says due to my anxious attachment.

I'm going to put a slightly different spin on this. Your behavior is your responsibility. His behavior is his responsibility. You are not at fault for anything he does. He needs to change his behavior regardless of what you do. Same goes for you.

My H has a really hard time separating us. Everything he is is contingent on me. He needs to change that.

Life gets messy for some and a few (Lucky?) ones seem to be the Born with a Silver Spoon in their mouth.

Most of us deal with our mess and have a good life overall.

My spouse suffered badly from her first marriage and two children.

I came along and gave her support and a solid environment. And, accepted that I was also 'marrying' her two offspring and her large associated family of parents, aunts and uncles, and all of the family friends etc. Sometimes it's a bit messy.

I found that most often two things generate friction in family:

Doing something not Kocher: Alcoholism, Narcistic selfishness, Dishonesty, criminal behavior. And more -

The one that always causes problems: Failure to communicate.

The thing that some folks do is decide to NOT try to fix communication. For example, you and spouse have a disagreement and one of you just clams up and won't discuss any further. Problem remains an festers - slowly eroding the relations. And resentment follows.

One can see in the threads herein - some folks just ignore posts (many time justified) but also disregard good advice paid for by the painful experience of the poster who sees the path on which the thread starter is following.

Best to take what you feel will help you and please read the stuff that triggers your anger or other negative reactions.

And, don't give in and and quit working on your issues. Seldom do posters here intend to hurt (rare I think) but quite often their post "offend" - it is a communication issue. Better to challenge what bothers you and "get the cards on the table face up."

Communication is a learned skill. To often good communication practice is constrained by family, ethnic, or public/social dogma (includes religion.)

Wishing you well in this New Year.

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 4:28 PM, Sunday, January 4th]