I think I understand what you are trying to express, and I don’t really have an argument if it works fine.
Instead I will maybe poke at a couple of things that maybe will help evolve the thoughts a bit, maybe not immediately because I think you are pretty steadfast in your view. You haven’t been here in a number of years until recently but I seem to remember that your descriptions haven’t changed much other than giving some credit for some of the things that have happened more recently.
I am a reformed people pleaser. The thing that is maybe different between your husband and I have a very pleasant demeanor. Showing grumpiness would not be within me because that is not people pleasing. It makes me think on the spectrum of people pleasing he may be less intense on that spectrum.
I have not lost my pleasantness but its origins have changed, now it’s based more on my optimism and positivity. I have learned to be direct and say no and not feel anxiety around those things, but it’s something I still work on, but I think there are many things about my work that have only changed so profoundly over the last few years that they are now discernible to people who know me. Probably before that, it was quieter and less noticeable.
So I want to affirm that maybe you are just seeing the results but it takes a long time to make adjustments to who you are at your core. I would assert those wheels were probably turning from very early on after the affair.
Perfectionism and fear of failure is likely pretty strong- as that lends itself to feeling grumpy as that may be due to he never feels he is meeting expectations, I am guessing he is also impatient.
I know may military lifers and it’s difficult to fix that part because perfectionism serves them so well in that career, you may see him make more dramatic adjustments when he retires.
It is hard for me to believe that he truly loves me and wants to be with me because I'm me since he cheated.
This one stuck out to me.
Could this be a projection? Could this belief be more to do with how you feel being you? I know it goes angaints the grain, especially in women that we are almost raised to think just sitting back and making yourself happy makes you less attractive?
Sure he may not want his marriage to fail, but he is also getting up and going to work and leaving you comfortably resting or doing anything you want.
I think that is highly actionable and shows love.
Now, instead could it also be shame based? Sure, but I don’t think most ws would say I will pay this as penance for a decade and for as long as it takes to redeem myself from the cheating. Thats not the fiber of a wayward spouse. Thats the fiber of someone who knows what he wants and doesn’t mind that you are home making yourself happy.
One thing that I found striking is one of the things my therapist told me to do in the aftermath of my affair was to stop doing so much for everyone. Take a break from that and listen to what I wanted to do. This was scary but I tried it, and after a few months what it did for me was made me discover that I am loved for me and not just what I do for others. I learned being lazy if I wanted had no impact at all, other than I was happier and more tapped into myself.
I no longer saw being imperfect as the threat I once did. So I find it interesting that you find it impossible that he would love you in your more selfish state.
I think love is an ebb and flow thing and sometimes commitment is what gets you through it. But I do not believe your husband has given up on loving you just because you have been you, and I think this is a perception you have that may hold you back from intertwining again. And maybe you are okay with that, and maybe he always will be too. But it definitely is more joyful the other way, and I get that may not be something either of you truly value. However, if he goes on to keep working on himself, he may allow himself to hope for that again, and that is where this could take a tumble.
I have the belief that most humans have an innate need for connection- so it makes me wonder a bit if you are denying yourself of this need by pushing it aside and deciding it is unimportant?
Were you a romantic person prior to all of this? And now you have become more pragmatic? I am at menopause age and I can relate to pragmatic. But I wonder a bit if there was this tender, younger, coco who had more warm and fuzzy views
The reason I say this is once upon a time I was a more romantic person, and wore the rose colored glasses. And in the aftermath of my own affair there was some adjustments to how I defined romance. However, after my husband’s affair what was left of those notions had been annihilated. ( I know typical ws, because my reaction was "wait, you really don’t love me or think I am special" after totally destroying him in the same way. Humans can be complex beings and hypocrisy is a quandary we all can find ourselves in from time to time)
For a long time I swore off romance and took a much more pragmatic approach. I quit my six figure job and we traveled for two years (he kept working remotely) I slept late, I wrote a book, I did a bunch of stuff in a much more selfish vain. For three years he held us down and I just did whatever I wanted when I wanted. I was good to him during that time, and I didn’t have a superiority complex or anything, but I knew if we were going to make it at this point we had to kind of start over as individuals and see if that spark returned.
In other words, I don’t see you being you as a negative thing.
For a long time I don’t think I could be vulnerable enough to allow myself to wish for that strong love story. I knew I had been burned out and didn’t want to work at that point. So I wasn’t leaving, and I did want to give things time so I don’t feel I was using him either. I was just simply doing what I felt was needed. It seemed like we were just coexisting again. The difference that time is I didn’t want anything more than that.
And from all of that, eventually that spark did reignite. And it’s different but better. I don’t think the rose colored glasses will come back, but I like what I see through a normal lens. We are truly a team now, and things just flow easily.
However, it takes evolving the narrative. I now see two people who didn’t give up on each other and who both have risen to the occasion. I feel like at some point if your husband does dig deeper into the work, you may be able to be vulnerable enough to start a new narrative. I feel like that’s what a lot of this boils down to, the framing of a narrative that works for you right now, that’s all any of us have.
Here is a good example:
Courage would be feeling whatever you feel, like fear, and doing the right thing anyway.
This is a very fixed point of view. People have fears and courage in many different areas and sometimes even in the same area. We all have to exercise courage in some ways. You show courage in doing only what you want for example.
I am afraid of spiders but have overcome a fear of public speaking. Courage doesn’t have to be based on one thing. These are the narratives that build walls. And maybe those walls are simply still needed for where your husband is on his progress.
[This message edited by hikingout at 5:38 PM, Tuesday, January 6th]
