I think Feelingvulnerable's W's comment about 'not knowing all the facts' can be interpreted in multiple ways, and I don't know what she meant. Fv was on the ground, and he doesn't interpret the statement as a deal killer. OTOH, he's unsure of his interpretation, and that has to carry weight, too.
So I'll ask Fv, 'What do you think your W is doing? Is she remorseful? Is she covering her ass?' What is your gut telling you?
If you think she's remorseful, why are you asking about in-house separation? And if you want IHS, it seems unreasonable to place yourself where she can make more demands on you WRT child care and household. That smacks of the pick-me dance, which is never a good thing to do.
Whatever disconnect there was between you is irrelevant, totally irrelevant. If your W felt a disconnect, it was her job to do something to rebuild the connection. There's no imaginable universe in which connecting to person B will help rebuild connection with person A. You're responsible for not working to rebuild your connection, but you didn't cheat - and once your WS started on the road to an A, she became the barrier.
It's only a year. R is about the future, not the past, and you get to decide what you want to do - and what you do, which may be different from what you want to do.
I can't tell where you really are, except that you seem to want R. What I can recommend is this:
Make sure you're wearing clear glasses. Don't let shaded or roes-colored or shit-colored glasses sway your decision-making. Take as many filters down as you can. See yourself and your WS as clearly as you can, and aim to perceive more accurately every day.
*****
The idea of looking for someone else whil being undecided about D looks like a sure way to get yourself into trouble. Healing yourself means taking responsibility for uourself. Letting yourself slide down a slippery slope is a sure way to hurt yourself. You deserve to treat yourself better than that.
*****
To be betrayed by someone and therefore assume you will be betrayed by anyone else, doesn't sound healed to me. It sounds like an argument for better the devil you know.
I should have expected someone would use reductio ad absurdum, which is often fallacious and is fallacious here..
Many people assert that D solves the BS's problems. Many people assert that a BS will find a new, faithful partner with ease.
The facts are:
1) D does not solve the awful feelings and negative self-talk that follows being betrayed. Whatever the BS does, they still have to heal themselves, and
2) BS after BS come to SI saying that they found a new partner, made the new partner aware of their infidelity trauma, and find themselves betrayed again. Pointing out that risk does not assume anyone will be betrayed again. Yow do you not know that?
The house analogy may hold, but here's another that may hold instead. Consider that a WS who does the work necessary to heal makes themself less vulnerable to cheating than they were before doing the work; that goes almost without sating - effective healing will necessarily reduce vulnerability to another A.
A former WS who does the necessary healing work may be a better bet for long term fidelity than a person who has never been tested. IOW, a person who has redeemed themself may be a better bet for long-term fidelity that a person who hasn't had to redeem themself. A former thief who has redeemed themself may be a better guardian than a person with larceny in their heart who just hasn't had the opportunity to steal before.
Some more very significant facts include,
3) we can't predict the future, and
4) maybe we can see into someone else's heart;
5) trying to establish and live by rules about the worthiness of others inevitably blinds oneself to important factors in situations which almost always have unique features.
IOW, if you want to heal from being betrayed, your best bet is to throw the rules out and perceive what's really happening around you - and in you.
In general, SI is open to WSes to wanted to change from cheaters to good partners. Many WSes have come through here, and even many serial cheaters healed themselves. I have no doubt that WSes who have reoffended after posting here are unlikely to come back, but boy! a lot of WSes on SI seem to have redeemed themselves - not because they said so but because they pretty clearly did a lot of work on themselves and have adopted new ways of interpreting their thoughts, feelings, affects, you name it.
That's despite the many voices counseling,
'Always D, because they're bound to cheat again,' or
'Always D because you won't be able to heal from being betrayed,' or
'Always D, because the A will always hurt too much.'
IOW, you've got it: the devil you know is a better bet than devil you don't know when the devil you know has changed from cheater to good partner - and if you don't blind yourself with 'rules' you'll probably be able to tell how effectively the WS has done their work.
Just ask hikingout, BSR, pippin, and the many folks who no longer post (HUFI-PUFI, FloridaRedMan, AuthenticNow, BrokenRoad, DS 
, MrsWalloped, and plainsong (my W), The1stwife's H)
Not every couple will R, even if both do their work. Some WSes don't heal enough to make their BS choose R. No BS or WS is obligated to R.
But 'rules' - other than 'take responsibility for yourself' - are the enemy of healing.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:00 PM, Saturday, January 10th]
