SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I fell for W2b in the middle of a session of the class we were in; that was late September or early October of 1965. We started meeting for coffee after that class 4 or 5 days a week, but I was afraid to ask her out, for 2 reasons. First, I was afraid she'd refuse me. Second, I was afraid she'd be bored, and I didn't want to have to see her in class every day after failing to win her heart. (Well, and other parts .)

In the Spring of 1966, I decided I was not going to pine for someone who 'got away.' I had to know if she'd say 'yes' or 'no.' In fact, we both had very low self-esteem; she thought no one would ever pick her. If ours had bee a little bit higher, we both would have realized that talking for an hour or two 4 or 5 times a week was pretty much indisputably an indication of strong mutual interest.

Our first date was 60 years ago today - June 3, 1966. It was a dance on the college green 3 days before commencement for alums, students, faculty, administrators, parents of students (especially parents of graduating students), friends of the college, etc.

We started with a cocktail party at my parents' house for me, a few of my friends and our dates. Then dinner - plainsong had her first and only lobster in her life (though she has eaten 'dragon shrimp', which are often called 'lobsters', many times). Then the dance. At midnight, my parents left. My mom said to plainsong, 'I do hope to see you again.' That made me wonder if I my mother and plainsong got along too well together.

It didn't take long for limerence to reassert itself. We left the dance about 1:00 and walked over to a park that overlooks the city and talked for a couple of hours. We kissed - frowned upon at the time on the 1st date. I asked her to visit during the summer so we could go to one of George Wein's music festivals (jazz, opera, folk that year).

The dance was magical to both of us. It was the first of a number of very special times beginning that Summer. (They're still happening - I just received photos of our GS dressed for a prom tonight. Maybe his 1st date is on the same day as his grandparents'. )

After d-day, memories of those special times together intruded into my consciousness and hers again and again. We both thought and hoped that we could experience new good times and build new good memories, and those thoughts dueled R for us.

Several years after d-day, I read that Gottman noted that couples under stress who remembered good times tended to stay together. Worked for us, but I wished I had read the book much earlier - I would have been less nervous about the success of R.

*****

Sixty years is a complete Chinese astrological cycle. Neither of us have any known Chinese ancestry, but we both have an affinity for things Chinese, and the 60 year cycle carries weight. Besides, 60 years is both a short and a long and, perhaps, a very long time.

Living 60 years didn't surprise me. Being in love for a whole astrological cycle - I never expected that.

It's a gift, not an accomplishment. I'm very, very grateful to the Universe. SI played a part, so Thanks, SI.

Congratulations and thanks for the update. Your R success has helped so many here, especially me.

Did I ever mention that you're one of my heroes?

Wonderful post!

Happy 1st date "anniversary" to you and plainsong, sisoon!

Sounds so romantic and timeless. Worth preserving!

What a wonderful post, and I think the mentality it portrays reflects the key reasons you two are still a couple.
It’s inevitable that over decades we experience all sorts of highs and lows. We tend to remember the lows and focus on them, rather than reflect on the highs, or even simply appreciate "normality". I think it’s so important to remember, appreciate and celebrate the "small" things that bring a couple together and keeps them together.

Wife and I have our comparable story of our first dates and how I eventually convinced her I might be worth a shot. Our wedding anniversary is on that day – a few years later – and I think we tend to celebrate THAT event more than the actual wedding.

My wife and I met at work. I was a traveling journeyman that worked at different locations depending on where I was needed. I worked at many different locations throughout the valley for a year until I was promoted and placed more permanently at one location, my wife's location.

I still remember the first time I saw her. She was (still is) so pretty. I remember thinking to myself "she sure is a hottie, but she's way out of my league." A month or so into my placement a mutual friend/co worker told me "Today is her birthday. You should wish her a happy birthday. She sure talks about you a lot. She thinks you're really cute."

Boy, did that perk me up. I had no clue such a pretty girl would even notice me, let alone talk about me. I managed to work up the courage and wished her a happy birthday out of nowhere. We had barely said "hi" to each other in passing before, let alone ever talked enough for me to know it was her birthday. Honestly it was a little embarrassing and awkward for both of us, and I felt like I blew it, lol.

That was October 14th, 1997. It took me a few weeks, some ribbing from one of my direct co workers, and a little bit of mutual flirting between the 2 of us for me to work up the courage and actually ask her out. My buddy said "If you don't ask her out, I'M going to..." We had our first official date on November 21st, almost a week before Thanksgiving. We've been an "item" ever since.

This November will mark 29 years for us, so almost half the time you've been with your wife! We used to go back and forth on the date because I like to count her birthday as the turning point for us, but that first date was the first kiss so I guess I agree with her on that.

Our 28th wedding anniversary is in 2 days. I'm not sure what we're going to do for that since we've been dealing with a lot over the last year, but I'm not going to sully such a nice, positive post hashing over that. We are doing exceptionally well all considered, tho. I can see us doing something special in November. We haven't known each other for 60 years, but 29 years is a pretty solid chunk of time, and amazingly, we're still together and arguably more in love now than we've ever been. We still look at each other the same way we did then. I still see that young, pretty girl I noticed all those years ago, and she insists I'm still the most handsome man she's ever laid eyes on.

Congratulations on such a significant milestone, Sisoon. You wrote about it so well I can almost see your fist date in my mind.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:16 PM, Thursday, June 4th]

Our official first date was December 6, 1976. He took me to see Jessie Collin Young. We've been together now almost 50 yrs.

I was head over heels for him. A bit mystified that this handsome popular guy was interested in me.

He says he was nervous with me. I wasn't like the other girls and that there was something special about me. We dated for months before he found the courage to kiss me and then it was lights out.

We married 5 yrs later. He had his A in the 6th yr.

I recently asked him to tell me what he remembered about our beginnings. I've always assumed my memories were his memories. We've never had these kinds of discussions before. I guess that's one of the good things to come from all of this. I feel like we are getting to know one another all over again and it's good.

Thanks Sisson for your sweet post. A reminder of the good things.

What an AWESOME post...thank you for sharing it . Sixty years together...AMAZING!!!

Numbers have always been my "thing". Anything with numbers...phone numbers...addresses...dates...I have always been able to remember quite easily. This became traumatic for me when going over the dates of when things happened during my H's A. I knew that if I could combat those trigger days from his A with great memories of US...it would help to combat those triggers.

I don't know if you remember...but I actually asked you about things to do or see in Chicago about 11 years ago . I had told my H that HE had to PLAN a fantastic vacation for us during the first part of the A season...when they did the majority of their "firsts"...first date...first kiss...etc. He planned a huge "first" for us...going to Chicago...a place neither of us had ever been to . There was so MUCH to do and see in Chicago and my H didn't know where to even start ! I knew YOU would know though !!

As we went through each day in Chicago...it was excruciating for me...because I remembered what each day was just the year before. Looking back though...I can recall each day WE had during that time...and it helped so much for me to OWN those days !! My first EVER baseball experience was at the historic Wrigley Field...just WOW!! Then we went to Murphy's Bleachers afterward and met some really NICE people there ! I was told that I was the reason the Cubs lost though ! I had NO real knowledge of baseball...and neither did one of our daughters. She wanted to get me something baseball related...so she bought me a generic black baseball cap that I wore to the game. I was later told that black was one of the colors of the Chicago White Sox...and since I wore that color cap...I was responsible for the loss that the Cubs had...OOPS !!

There is one thing I would like for you to remember...this post would be a GREAT post for you to copy and paste in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread in the Reconciliation Forum ! I made a thread yesterday that is somewhat positive...so I think I will add mine to that thread as well !!

Great update. Love the progress, the happiness and respect, the overall JOY.

Six decades -- nice little run you got going there Sisoon.

Congrats and thanks for the very cool update!

sisoon this is such a lovely post and thank you for sharing it as tere is something very moving about the way you remember that first date so clearly after sixty years not just the date itself but those details that still seem alive in the memory.

After d-day, memories of those special times together intruded into my consciousness and hers again and again.

I understand that as after betrayal memories can become complicated and whilst some still feel precious but others suddenly feel painful or changed because you are looking back through a different lens. One of the hardest parts for me at the moment trying to work out which memories can still belong to as real and good even though later truth has changed the way we see parts of the past.

We both thought and hoped that we could experience new good times and build new good memories

Sometimes it can feel as though betrayal contaminates everything backwards and forwards - it helps to hear that new memories can still be made and that old ones do not all have to be lost to what happened.
Sixty years is extraordinary and thank you for sharing...

I share my experience to show the wide variation in the way one can respond to being betrayed. My response is just one of hundreds, if not thousands.

I was 66 when my W had her A. I had lived a lot and gone through a number of bouts of therapy. One of the major learnings, if you will, was to ride the waves of feelings. Real feelings - the hormones - dissipate pretty quickly, so going with one's flow, I think, is a very good strategy when under stress. (This doesn't apply to physical pain.)

So after d-day, I didn't try to control my feelings. I just let them flow. And the good memories kept coming out of nowhere; memories of the bad times didn't. I think that meant I was predisposed toward R, and the memories kept reinforcing that. (My W had become honest, so I believed her when she said the same thing was happening in her head.)

I was encouraged by my predisposition - but that was only part of my resolution. If my W wasn't going to do the work she had to do to R, R was impossible, which meant my best bet is D.

My reco is to use your resources ti learn as much about yourself as possible, but mkae sure your D/R choice fits in with your whole situation - rather, as much of your sitch as you can discern.

If the memories of bad times had predominated, I believe I would have made a different choice. (I believe Gottman's followers say one can change which memories come out, so bad memories under the stress of d-day don't mean D is in the cards; if one wants R and does the work, R is possible, even when the pre-A M was bad.) But if a reader's good memories predominate, you're not alone. and you're not crazy. Sometimes it happens, and good memories make R easier and D harder

sisoon,

It's a lovely story. Thank you for sharing.

I agree it's important to celebrate important dates with those we love, and to jointly share happy memories as Trumansworld's said. It reinforces your bond. Gottman and others were maybe speaking to that.

It's possible they were also talking about how in an unhappy marriage, the process of marriage re-writing begins to occur by a change in focus. A happy couple will both readily recall the fondness for first dates and weddings. Further into an unhappy marriage, one of them might focus on a small item that went wrong in an otherwise overwhelmingly positive event and see it as a sign that the marriage was always doomed. They rewrite the event as negative. It's similar to focusing on gratitude and your partner's positive qualities. Or the old adage of your love one's early endearing quirks becoming your worst annoyances later.

It's clear you never had a focus on your partner's negative qualities. It sounds like she never did on yours either. Maybe it's possible with work to turn around those feelings if you're a person who feels differently. I don't have experience with having those negative feelings and can't speak to that.

[This message edited by KitchenDepth5551 at 9:51 PM, Saturday, June 6th]

What a great story. Congrats to 60 years!!!!

That's really beautiful, sisoon.

Gottman's barometer didn't work for us, unfortunately. In the early part of R, we reminisced, and STBWX didn't look back as fondly as I did, but as time went on, our positions flipped. Now, those early memories evoke in me an overwhelming sense of grief.

I'm glad your story has a happy ending and that you can remember the good times with fondness. Cheers to your successful reconciliation!