SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife and I were swingers at 1 point until I broke the #1 rule. I cheated at a party we were throwing. When I came down the stairs after being caught I started to blame everyone else for the reason I cheated. My fear of death my need to feel wanted and desired from every women. I blamed anything I could. I let her lay there like Humpty Dumpty while I tried to get sympathy. I shattered our whole world. That was 10 years ago. We have made some progress but not enough. We have both been to every counselor and therapist you can think of both alone and together. We don’t hide anything material from each other. We had a great marriage I threw it away. We have made it past stage 1 but are stuck at stage 2. Stage 1 was forgiveness. What I need is some idea of what or where to go from here? She forgave me for the affair so now I just need some idea what to do next?

Can you provide what you have done to repair the damage?

If we know what you have already tried then we won’t be redundant.

I have learned how to become more patient. I have learned about empathy and some ways to show it. I have overcome my anger. I don’t jump into fighting and trying to shame her every time she would bring up any subject about the affair. She has agreed that I am different she just needs more from me. I’m not sure what else to give.

What does she say she need from you? Have you asked her to get specific?

For a little context my xW and I were in the lifestyle as well. It was my idea and I basically coerced her to participate. My reasons for swinging were selfish and grew from a very unhealthy place. We weren't in a good place in our marriage. Instead of leaning inward to her, I opened our marriage to others. In doing so, I tore her self esteem to shreds. I also crossed over agreed upon rules. So not only was I a selfish prick, I couldn't be trusted either.

It wasn't until years later that I really tried to identify why the fuck I thought swinging was even a possibility.

Maybe you could look towards what led to swinging? Were you in a good place mentally before it started?

Have you given up your desire for external validation? If so, what is that like?

If not, a continued need for external validation is a big problem.

I have given up all external validation. I don’t need it because it’s not important. What I am trying to do is prove that I am a honest, loving and respectful person. I want to prove these to her without waiting to be tested. I don’t have any idea how to prove myself. We are living a good life but we want it to be great. How do we achieve that goal?

BS here Doug. Here's my 2 cents.

I have given up all external validation. I don’t need it because it’s not important. What I am trying to do is prove that I am a honest, loving and respectful person. I want to prove these to her without waiting to be tested. I don’t have any idea how to prove myself. We are living a good life but we want it to be great. How do we achieve that goal?

There's an awful lot of I statements here. Only towards the end you get to we.

Oversimplified - the answer to your question - proven behavior over time.