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Ok, so last week my WW and I had a pretty decent discussion, she thought my coming here actually made things worse for me (wrong!) and that maybe I should take a break from posting here for a while. I told her I come here because everyone here understands what I’m feeling and validates those feelings as normal. So I made her a deal, I would express my feelings and concerns to her but she would have to provide the feedback that I get from this site (bet you know how this is going to end). So, I focused more on making sure I keep her more updated about my IC. Around mid week she asked if I had another IC session this Sunday and I told her yes. She said "you know, you could probably cut back on your sessions now" which really made me think these last few days about why I’m still in IC. Several sleepless nights and a day and a half of elephant in the room-itis, and Friday evening she looked depressed and turned to me to say "I feel like we’re disconnected" (um, no shit, been that way for three years now). So I opened up to her what I discovered. I told her that the affair itself made me feel like everything in life I had to offer her still wasn’t as good as the relationship with her AP. After DDay, for the last 3 years I’ve felt like her lack of efforts in healing has continued to make me feel like I’m not worth her full effort. This really has left me feeling sad and depressed. So after I finish letting my feelings out….crickets! She really had nothing productive to say. I touched on IC sessions and she said she really doesn’t want to do IC because she doesn’t want to keep rehashing the affair. (I get it, but that’s not an acceptable excuse). After sitting in the recliner next to me silently for 5 minutes, she turned to me and asked what she can do to help me. My response was "I’m done telling you what I need from you as every time I tell you what I need, you refuse to act so what is the point of even telling you anymore". For the first time in just over three years I feel like I now have the clarity in my mind of my path moving forward. I’m mentally exhausted and I’ve done everything I can to save our relationship. I’ve got no fight left in me. It’s a very sad revelation when you finally realize that your spouse won’t go all in and likely won’t change to that path either. I just want the hurt to stop and I need to be away from this toxic situation. She can still win me back but for her, she has dug herself into a hole and I’d say it’s going to now be a lot harder to get out of. I honestly don’t see her having it in her to do that. 🤷🏼‍♂️

Not sure what to say but just wanted to give a response. Im sorry you aren’t getting the support you need to heal from betrayal trauma and can only say to liste to your intuition….its there…..wishing u clarity and healing

Sounds like a really big moment for you. I’m sorry that she won’t do what it takes to show you that you are worth the effort to repair what she destroyed. That is just another flaw in her, add it to the list.

For as long as you have been fighting, I just recommend that you give yourself some time. Some might think that is being indecisive, but my own experience is that time is just further cementing my decision to move on from my WW. Take steps, but don’t burn bridges just yet. Make sense?

Sorry mate, maybe we figure out that beer time sooner than later?

she said she really doesn’t want to do IC because she doesn’t want to keep rehashing the affair. (I get it, but that’s not an acceptable excuse).

I think it is because she either doesn’t want to or is incapable of changing. It doesn’t sound like there has been a breakthrough. If there had been then the work would have been finished.

After sitting in the recliner next to me silently for 5 minutes, she turned to me and asked what she can do to help me.

You needed her to become a different person. To grow. But it appears she is unwilling to do that.

The clarity you have now is worth the three years of trying. Now that you know, you can move forward without regret. You gave it your best.

Sending strength!

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 2:11 PM, Sunday, April 21st]

The clarity you have now is worth the three years of trying. Now that you know, you can move forward without regret. You gave it your best.

I’ve always said I’d give my all and if after giving everything I had, it still didn’t work out, then I could at least walk away with no regrets.

I’ve always said I’d give my all and if after giving everything I had, it still didn’t work out, then I could at least walk away with no regrets.

1,000% get this. The trouble is knowing what "everything" looks like. If we take that warrior mentality too far, then the fact that we are still breathing is a sign we have more to give. Look for clarity over certainty, she is a far better guide in life.

Thanks Ink, appreciate the guidance.

Praying for you today

I’m mentally exhausted and I’ve done everything I can to save our relationship.

This is completely understandable to all of us. My FWS and I were in MC for over 4 years. I am highly educated but this took more work and time than my most advanced degree. (However, my field of study in this case was selected by someone else.)

You need to take a break from trying so hard. She needs to step up and DO THE WORK.

Don't stop the IC, unless they tell you to take a break, you probably need it to help with this transition. Between MC and work and family, and our finances, I couldn't do IC, but it is for you.

She said "you know, you could probably cut back on your sessions now"

From what you write, it sounds like she doesn't "get it" about what she has done.

I think she believes she has the upper hand in the relationship and you won’t leave. She just thought she would wait you out until you feel better but it doesn’t work like that. Prepare yourself for love bombing when she sees you move towards filing.

I am sorry to read this, at the same time I am glad you are taking your agency

Just adding that you have been heard. It’s hard when they really don’t want to change. My XWS didn’t want to do IC b/c he didn’t want to "sit on a couch and talk about his mother and his issues". He stopped showing up to MC after a few sessions b/c we had a good one who held his feet to the fire. (Even so, I agree we tried MC too soon— I thought it could be a proxy for his IC, but nope.)

The work to R is HARD. Not every WS is equipped or willing to learn the what is needed to R.

Clarity is good. Expect to waffle a little— but it is a good step to have taken.

I'm so sorry to hear this, but I'm more sorry that you had to suffer for so long for such little progress. Good on you for taking control of your own healing.

From your posts, it sounds like she didn't "choose" you, rather she just didn't choose the POSOM. That's an important distinction. Don't lose your focus on your own healing. You deserve it. She'll recover on her own.

[This message edited by 1994 at 4:54 PM, Sunday, April 21st]

My EXWW was and continues to be a piece of work. After all this time, I'm convinced that there is something wrong in her noodle. Even my oldest has wondered if she is BPD.

One of the funny things about my EXWW is that she hasn't really matured or evolved in all the time I've known her. It's like she's an adolescent trapped in a 55 year old body. The older she gets, the more she reminds my of her late father, who was a man-child.

Anyway, your WW reminds me of the struggles I endured in my M. For the 27 years I was with her, I did the heavy lifting in the relationship. After Dday, I was done, but she did not have the fortitude or resilience to step up. You can search up my story, but the TLDR version is that after 6 months, I left on a solo trip to consider my options. When I returned, I asked her what she was doing to help me heal. In her mind, not cheating anymore was enough I guess,but what she said sealed the deal. She said, "I can't be there for you until you're in a better place, because you make me feel too guilty." You see, she is incapable of seeing a world in which she is not the center. Anyway, I dumped there and then.

Some people are just not wired for growth and change. Yeah, they can switch lanes, but they all point the same way. It's been a good number of years now, but enough time has passed where I can witness this truism in my EXWW. If anything, she has gotten worse over the years, which is pretty common for people as they age. They become more of who they are at the core.

You've given it a good effort, and now focus on moving forward. You cannot fix your WW, nor can you change her. You've been setting yourself on fire to keep her warm and it is taking a toll on you. Find your peace again.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 4:40 PM, Sunday, April 21st]

I can't be there for you until you're in a better place, because you make me feel too guilty.

I got the exact same thing. It’s such a cowardly and evil thing to come from the person who caused the pain in the first place. In the words of Eli Young, I may not know what love is, but I know what love ain’t.

"I can't be there for you until you're in a better place, because you make me feel too guilty."

I told her once that I consider everyone on SI as friends. I told her you are all my support group and I thank you all for being there for me when I was in need. I also mentioned that I would continue to be here for future BS’s as I want to pay it forward. I described it as my morals wouldn’t allow me to let anyone here down, to be there for them in their time of need. She viewed that statement as an attack on her morals. Guess she still thinking only of herself.

I described it as my morals wouldn’t allow me to let anyone here down, to be there for them in their time of need. She viewed that statement as an attack on her morals.

What a person intent on seeing themselves as a victim can turn into an attack is truly breathtaking.

Sorry brother. At three years out, she sounds far more like a newly caught wayward than the likes of our reformed friends here. One of the greatest lessons I have learned on SI is just how bad living with an unrepentant wayward can be. I’m certain you know it too. Only you can make the call, but if a statement like that was recent (plus what is in your original post) it sure sounds like she isn’t going to be a success story. And that does not reflect on you, that is all on her. I’m sorry for you though, you offered grace and got back indifference and scorn. You deserve better.

Reconciliation doesn’t work when the betrayed spouse is driving it. I spent a year doing that, reading, IC , sitting through his IC because he wasn’t doing things she asked him to. My IC called me out this. His IC also told me I was carrying all the emotional burden. It then hit me that I was doing this all wrong. I had to take a step back and focus on myself first. It’s liberating and I am in much better space mentally. He is now stepping up and doing what he is supposed to do. The outcome of this process does not matter to me anymore. I stay or leave because I want to. I feel more in control of my life than I ever have. I have also given him the option of leaving if he wants to, if putting all the work is too much for him. I will be sad but not heartbroken and have promised it will be an amicable split. My happiness and mental health are my priority from now on.

I hope you feel more in control now. You know what’s best for you. Good luck.

[This message edited by Abalone123 at 7:35 PM, Sunday, April 21st]

I really hope this is a turning point for you, but I’m having my doubts. You have gotten accustomed to whatever breadcrumbs she is feeding you that seem just enough to give you some hope she will finally understand how you are feeling. As I have followed your story it is clear you are a good man who wants this to work. She has that feeling to and it is her weapon in not surrendering and giving you what you both need and are entitled too.

At some point you need to unleash some anger and give her an ultimatum to get with the program or you are out. Don’t think you are there yet unfortunately.

I hate that you are not seeing the change you need to see. This stood out to me though.

she said she really doesn’t want to do IC because she doesn’t want to keep rehashing the affair. (I get it, but that’s not an acceptable excuse).

I don’t get it. "Rehashing" is a strange word to use. That gives connotations of doing it to please someone else rather than to explore and learn from it. Saying it is unpleasant or uncomfortable I could understand. But it sounds like she sees no value in it for herself. Unless she had changed so much you were blown away by the different, having that attitude would be highly concerning to me. I think that is part of why you’re struggling so much. She has not transferred that burden of vigilance off your shoulders yet….

The refusal to dig deep into herself in IC is a big red flag.

Either she doesn't think she has a problem, or she doesn't think she can solve it. Either way she can't do the work she needs to do to change from cheater to good partner.

You might consider giving her a choice between you and IC (with a goal of becoming a good partner), on one hand, and losing you. The trouble with that is: IC works only if the subject really wants to change. An ultimatum may appear to get compliance when the subject will actually choose to rebel.